End.

The year is not the only thing that's ending... Alot of things are right behind it. 

A new year, new things seems so cliche. But it's not really about the new.. It's about sorting out the old and getting rid of the useless in all aspects.

To fully embrace new things, new experiences, new people you have to be clear of all the old useless things in your life, a new year just so happens to be the perfect time to reflect and make serious adjustments when needed. 

I've been ending things all year.. And as I say my final goodbye to 2013, I'm saying goodbye to people as well. It's been fun, but this won't last in the long run. Honestly. Lets get this clear.

Every ending is a new beginning. 

Speaking of ending, this blog has been around for 4 years... I think it's time I end this chapter. It's like graduation. I spent 4 years on blogspot and rereading every post I see how much I've grown.. 

I'm continuing to grow and I won't ever stop writing, so I want to do something a little different with my blog.. I won't post anything else on here, when I do return to the blog world, it'll be a whole new world I'll welcome you to..

See you in 2014. 

Toast to new beginnings and solid endings.

:)

Shit real.

It's only getting realer...

I wonder too much, I think. I don't think it's healthy to ponder about the unknown as much as I do, but of course, I can't help it.

Initiative is getting better, showing more benefits as time progresses.. I think about all the work I've done, just sitting here.. And I just keep adding to the pile.. Securing their role in my plans.. 

Preparing and shit of that nature. 

Really taking my time in unveiling things with projects and people. My anxiety is a bit more calm now. 

The calm before the storm... 

Such a beautiful storm awaits.

Thankful.

Hi November. My favorite holiday, thanksgiving. Where everyone is more grateful and thankful, forgiving and giving.. the food is just the perfect way to end it.. Everything just calm.. Until Black Friday.. Where we chaotically rush through Christmas, turn up for New Years, before we turn over that new leaf..  In that order. 

But I'm thankful. 

I'm thankful for the weed that clicks with me so well, thankful for the occasional chaos, the rare pure moments of bliss, the reminders, the ideas, the music..I love music almost as much as I love food, you know I'm definitely thankful for that. I'm thankful for my health, and wealth of mind body and soul. I'm thankful for my loved ones. The ones who truly want to see me prosper and are nothing but positive towards me even when they're letting know how they feel about my negatives. I'm thankful for society, as fucked up as it may be.. It's what we've created. And we've created a society where literally anything is possible and we're reminded everyday.. Lucky us. It used be a secret. Thankful especially for the knowledge I carry and the knowledge I continue to pick up. 

I'm extremely thankful for my mind. I can't say that enough. If I don't have anything, I have one hell of a mind. No one can tell me otherwise. It doesn't want to stop expanding, it doesn't shut anything out, it processes thoughts, ideas in so many different ways, I'm amazed. That's really ill to me. Like my mind literally amazes me. 

Today marks the countdown to the end of the year.. Time will fly, you can fly with it or get lost in the wind. Remind yourself, of everything you're thankful for.. Remind yourself of where you want to be, and how you're going to make that happen. And be thankful that today, who you are allows you to see that far ahead. After you say thanks, get ready to eat.

Reality Check-in.

Woke up this morning and felt the change of weather.. It's cold. But I'm still hot. 

The plotting that I've been doing is more than ready. The actions I've been taking can be taken further. I know what I need to move forward, I'm just in the process of eliminating my setbacks so they no longer hold me back. It's always something, but all that tells me is that what I'm aiming for, will be that much more worth it once I get it. 

Life is a game, but I'm playing for keeps. 

My stubbornness and manly pride are still a factor, although I'm really working on it.. Old habits die hard. But they will die or atleast become more of an asset than a setback.. 

I just continue to analyze myself and my moves, also those around me gotta keep an eye on my surroundings. 

Always remind myself.... Be aware, those few times I wasn't aware haunt me and I'll be damned if I ever put myself in a position where I'm not comfortable with my surroundings because I wasn't aware.

Shit real.

Act accordingly. 

VIII.

"Thats 8 in roman numeral?" — yeah. "Is that your favorite number?" —no, it's the day my uncle passed away" 

August 8, 2005 .. 

I remember it like it was yesterday. Horrible morning, horrible guilt I placed on myself, horrible pain I felt that I just recently let go. 

Ralph was my grandmas youngest brother, so technically he was my great uncle. He was a Vietnam war vet, sarcastic and wiser than any man I have yet to meet. I owe alot of who I am today because of him. He would come stay with us quite often. Making my siblings and I Mickey Mouse pancakes, putting us on punishment when we stepped out of line. But me and him had a special relationship.. He was really my mentor now that I look back on it. He introduced me to comedy, Richard Pryor (we would watch his movies and he'll school me on shit I didn't comprehend.) Columbo, murder she wrote, Law & Order.. Seinfeld was his favorite sitcom, we would watch TV land like that's the only channel we had. Mr. Ed, Sanford & son.. Wild cowboy movies, I can go on all day. We would crack jokes on my siblings and say its way over their heads when they missed the jokes. He used to loveeeee table talk apple pies 2/$1, rack up on those with some milk and devour it. Lol 

He would call me princess of darkness, I was a cold young bitch lol and niggerette.. I never took it personal, he was just as dark as I was.. In fact when I would tag along with him and roam the streets of manhattan people thought I was his daughter.. And I mean everybody knew him. Like even as a kid I was always surprised that we couldn't walk a block without someone stopping him. Apparently he was the man around those parts. He taught me plenty of things as a youth, I vividly remember the war stories and tales of his childhood and even adulthood. He was certainly very interesting. 

I don't remember when exactly he was diagnosed with testicular cancer.. He was horrible with informing us about his health.. "I'll be fine.. Don't worry" was his favorite line. I assumed he would be fine. The first time I realized its possible to lose him, I was staring at him in a hospital bed at the Veteran's hospital, they had to perform surgery, he looked so weak.. Those tubes disturbed me. But regular Ralph cracking jokes, cutting everybody ass.. Telling my grandma to bring him food. "The food here don't got shit on yours Tana".. I asked him, you gonna die? He looked me in the face, I ain't going nowhere. It made me feel better.. But it made me feel worse when I later realized he just said it to make me feel better. 

Three weeks later, he was at our house. It was very early in the morning.. My brother woke us up screaming, maaaaaa Ralph fell. He's not getting up!!! My mom hopped up, I heard heavy footsteps, I stood in the bed. I am not a morning person, if anything I was irritated because in my mind he was fine, he just fell. He's a grown man. (I resented myself for those thoughts for years to come) .. The ambulance was called, I'm sitting in the living room .. I didn't even go into the room he was in. I think now, I knew then it was over.. I just didn't want to see him like that. I wasn't strong enough. As they wheeled him out on the stretcher, I caught a glimpse of his face .. He was dead. There was no life in his eyes. I saw this but tears didn't fill mine. I was numb. (I would later break down to a friend, he didn't believe me when I told him.. I burst into tears, I didn't want to believe it either.) They claimed he was alive still, my mom encouraged me to go see him at hospital and I didn't go. For what? I hate hospitals.. Plus he was already dead to me. And if he wasn't, I'd know once he walked back through the door with a smile and his leather bookbag over his shoulder. A call around 3 am let me know it was official. I heard my grandma screaming cries once my mom told her. And it broke me in so many ways. I knew how much he meant to her, shit he meant alot to me but that was her baby brother. The death certificate says he died August 9.. But nobody can tell me he didn't die on the 8th. I saw death as it rolled out my house, taking my uncle with it.

The funeral came, it was crazy. So many family members that didn't give a shit about him was there .. Like where were you when he was in the hospital? Family members who dragged his name through the mud now showed face like they had some respect, why is it that people have all this respect to show when you're dead but alive they're disrespectful as hell? .. It was disgusting. The saddest part was his son's arrival, he had a son in DR that he never got to meet.. Their first encounter was at the funeral. Imagine that, not being able to meet your father until his funeral? The craziest part? His son was a spitting image of him. It was fucking creepy and heart wrecking at the same time.

I'm teary eyed writing this, I always think of how much more I could've learned from him, all the things I never got to ask him.. How I never got to thank him for everything he showed me. I had a dream with him once, I knew he was dead in the dream... "But Ralph you died" — I know "what's heaven like?" — it's cool, we need more chairs though, kinda crowded.. we laughed. And I woke up crying. 

Today makes 8 years since he left earth.. I can only hope he watches over me quite often, I feel he does. I know if he was alive today he would be proud of me.. I mean I wouldn't be who I am today  with out him. 

Continue to rest in peace Ralph, you're very much missed. <3

Midnight thoughts.

Idk ..

Idk how I'm supposed to feel, but I feel a plethora of emotions.. So many different things going on, so much I'm trying to do. I just want to make sense of it all. Don't wanna speak too soon, don't want to address it too late. It's crazy, life is crazy.. Love it though.. All I have in a sense. I'm feeling godly like as well. I really feel my aura is growing as well as glowing and I'm making my proper moves taking my time and doing what I need to do as far as handling things that are in my control... Still tryna to gain more control of things, but I'm pacing myself. Don't want to overwhelm myself by trying to do too much as I have in the past, I'm taking my time. 

I really believe in everything I want to do. And I really believe in it so much.. No one can stray me off course. A few people claim they believe in me, but I don't believe it. Its one thing to root for me, but to truly believe in me, means helping me, guiding me towards that in anyway you can.. thats what it means to me to truly believe in someone. I don't expect anyone to help me achieve this. That's why I'm moving on my own time at my own pace. It'll be soon before long when it pays off. I am enjoying this. 

I mean I'm barely getting started but I can't belittle the fact that I am making things happen, I'm doing more than I was this time last year. 

Progress baby, progress. 

I'm proud of myself.. I could've been broken by several things that have been tossed my way in the last year.. But it barely left a crack. I'm stronger than I realize. And I have my desires to thank for that. They've been awoken and they not taking anything I've allowed to silence them in the past. 

And I couldn't be happier, cause quite frankly I was sick of that shit. Sick of the panic attacks and fake smiles, sick of crying in the shower and not knowing why, sick of being average when I know I'm far from it. Sick of the box I created for myself because I was terrified of my potential. I was sick of being sick. 

Today, right this moment.. I'm healthy as hell. I am happy. I really come a long way, despite the fact that I have a longer road ahead I'm just happy that I'm in the mental state where I won't stop, and if I do it's just to sniff the flowers. It's crazy. I'm crying. Happy tears, for once Lol my body feels so weird. I'm just amazed at how honest I am without even trying. I really know who I am. I know me so well, I really have no limits. 

Shit is real. 

I am at a point where I can see this shit coming like I have binoculars (drake voice) I am a prophet.. I'm always right even when I don't want to be. Scary. But fuck atleast I know. And the more you know, the more you grow .. I'm all about that. I'm really unstoppable. 

I let people sleep on me .. Deep sleep. But once I ring that alarm, I'll keep them up for nights at a time wondering how the fuck I did it, how the fuck I'm still doing it and why the fuck hasn't anyone stopped me. Lmaoo it's crazy, its gonna be so true. They been sleeping on me so long, I even tucked them in, even pressed the snooze button a few times. But it's for the best. I'll play under the radar, but I will always be over your head.

Good.

I feel good. Shit been going good, good can always turn to better. And it will. Why? Because I fucking said so. And anything I say, goes. 

I'm amped. I performed in front of some friends and a different type of crowd. It was awesome. My friends enjoyed it. They were really proud of me. I am too. Shit real.

Birthday Monday. Shit gonna get realer. 

I'm just taking it all in, embracing each day as it comes while still focusing on the next. Now that shit is manifesting, I want to be even more quiet about it. In regards to what I'm gonna do next. 

Gotta keep them guessing, no?

Rather show than tell, you know? 

I got plenty to show.. In due time.

Tulip.

I feel like I'm on Molly. But I'm not. The high from the blunts and this happy high I've been feeling all day combined makes me feel like I'm on Molly. (I tried it before..the real Molly not the potential tampe(red) edition, I'll share that story one day. Lol It's fake interesting) .. My cheekbones hurt from smiling all day. My face is hot. I feel like I'm floating. Everything surreal.

I write poems.. Lusty poems, to say the least. And I've been drawing out some blueprints for things I can do with these poems.. And blueprints on how to make the first set of blueprints happen. And I'm not one to speak before things happen, so I keep quiet but trust I'm focused. I wanted to perform at an open mic really bad. I'm not a public speaker.. I never really like speaking in front of crowds..
All that attention makes me feel weird..

Anywho, I felt I needed to do this for the following reasons;
-I can grab a different audience through visual and sound.. Not everyone's a reader.
-They can hear it how I wrote it.
- I can finally shake this shy shit I have. Which is annoying.
-I can promote my website, meet cool people and see others through their own crafts.
-I want to feel comfortable speaking in front of crowds, I'll have to present plenty of things in front of crowds soon enough, I might as well familiarize myself with it.

My cousin and I got up and said. Today. And I looked up open mics for the night, due to times and location, I chose a small spot on bleecker. Yippie museum cafe, pretty cool. The open mic was held downstairs.. I'm nervous. I've been nervous since I got off the phone with an employee from the place for confirmation. There's a few people there, mostly guys, mostly rappers.
"you rap?" — No, I write poetry.

I sign up.. I tell him I don't want to go second.. Ford, was the host, cool guy. Even made the spotlight lavender for me. ^_^ he places me fourth..fifth maybe? A little in the middle. Perfect. I go upstairs to "use the restroom" I was already nervous as shit.. Needed Mary to calm me down.

As I'm rolling.. I realize everything going on downstairs can be heard upstairs.. Everybody up here eating and mingling gonna hear me.. Lmao aww man. I get my cousin we head outside to get some 'fresh air'.. Yeah. And I feel anxious, nervous but hype as shit. Finally. I'm gonna read something I wrote to a room full of strangers.. No one is biased because they don't know me. This is their first time hearing this. I was so open. I wonde(red) what they thought of me when they first saw me, and what they thought of me after. Lol I know I'll never know but it's just a thought.

The crowd is nice, energetic, young. Good performances, then I'm up next.

I walk on stage and the lights are being adjusted, a co host is asking me about my poetry and how he does poetry events Small talk.
He hands me the mic ..

He said I saw a tulip and it reminded me of you ..
Pace yourself.. The light is bright but great thing is I can only see shadows, no faces. I can feel vibes. This is cool. I have never done anything like that in my life. Class presentations were rushed except for in college .. But then again I wasn't speaking about how my pussy is being mistaken for Mother Nature and the seven seas. Anyway .. I hear the comments, certain parts they weren't expecting. I had to pause they got so loud. I noticed people coming down stairs.. Guess they like what they were hearing.

I read two poems, Tulip and Psychic..
I said I have another one if you wanna hear it .. And everyone was like Yess, woo, go head girl. Lmaoo it was so cool. They really fucked with it, they were mostly silent hanging on my every word.. I'm still smiling. It's crazy. I finally did it. I felt such a rush. I stumbled twice, but I rolled through it.. I was in a zone where I had full control and none at all. Weirdly amazing. I literally had a standing ovation, watching the footage my cousin got.. I can't stop blushing their response to my performance made me feel so good, I've been dying to see how it would be. And I did. I wanna continue going to random ones.. Spread word through mouth. This was way overdue, and I did it.
This is really the beginning.

If you want to read Tulip, or any other of my poems; LustyinLavender.com

"I am not responsible for any erections I may have caused so yeah don't come to me with that"

lmfaoo I really ended it like that. Ego definitely had to get a word out.

*FunFact; I wrote Tulip sitting under the dryer at the hair salon .. I was doing this writing exercise, where the first word that comes to my mind.. I'll write a poem about it. Thus Tulip.

May.

Mother may I,

Mother universe may I prosper now?
May I, as the youth of today say.. turn up?

I ask may .. I know I can. But it seems when I don't ask mother universe for her blessings she tends to blow me in different directions.. Maybe I'm too anxious internally and I need to keep calm. Maybe I'm not doing enough in certain aspects.. Whatever it is, another month is here, one more month til June. I got the entire month to figure it out. All while in motion. Can't stop, won't stop.

In June, there's two dates that are important. My birthday (June 10) and a personal deadline (June ??) I gave myself for something.

So May will really be the deal maker or breaker. I'm patient for the things that are outta my control, I reallllyyyyyy don't stress it if I can't control it. Its really a stress reliever not worrying about things of that nature. Mother universe taking her time aligning shit up for me, can't rush her.. She's almost done, I feel. We'll see...

They say ask and you shall receive. And again, I ask .. Mother may I, excuse me.. may you guide me along the prosperous route in anything I choose to indulge in? I think I can handle it. May you also continue to set reminders in my path so I don't stray off course or stumble into potholes I may not see with emotional eyes. And lastly, I don't want to ask for much, may you bless my surroundings with beautiful weather.. Nothing lifts my spirits and keeps me going more than a beautiful day.. A beautiful spring day.

A new month, a new season settling in.. Plenty of space and opportunity on this giant green earth to do what you gotta do, what you want to do. Don't think it's ever too late to do anything .. Did you ever think, maybe you were too early? ..it's possible. Like everything else. Just ask mother universe for her blessings as you play on her grounds.

Self.

Sense of self.. Vs. full of shit.

Tread carefully.
It's one thing to be aware of self and own self accountability with pride .. But to make excuses for your actions although you're aware you're making the wrong moves isn't smart. You're full of shit.

I often step out of myself and take a look at me .. And really observe my actions, my words.. They after all are the only way people on the outside can peek into my mind, I do this often so I make sure I'm on point. I notice how I treat people and how I react to the treatment I receive from others. And I just like to stick to my moral views on treating others how I like to be treated.

But in honesty, sometimes I don't. Sometimes, I don't realize I'm this horrible bitch to some, I don't realize that my playful manner is leading someone on. I don't realize neglect on my part til it's a little deep into it .. I don't realize that I'm offensive at times. I don't realize when the shoe is on the other foot, sometimes I may be unaware of peoples true intentions.. But the beauty of all this is when I do realize it, no matter how far into these oblivious problems.. Once I identify them, I do my best to set shit straight.

I know I'm not perfect and I'm not done making mistakes.. But I just don't want to be full of shit, not aware of me and my actions .. I don't want to repeat mistakes, learning from each one, learning how to avoid similar obstacles is just as vital as everything else you need to know in life.. Or maybe that's just me.

I always watch what I say, you never know who listening. Wouldn't want to get caught up in some shit I said when I wasn't aware .. So I make sure I'm always listening. I don't say anything I don't want repeated. I don't say anything I'm ashamed of.. Everything I say I mean, and I mean what I say .. I don't take back anything I've ever said, to anyone. It really baffles me that some people babble on and on but are quick to retract statements, views, opinions. Not saying there's anything wrong with changing your mind, we're more than entitled to do so. But to switch views as quick as day turns into night, just hold off from speaking so much. Do yourself a favor.

Speaking of favors, I need to do myself a few. Positive thoughts all the way through.


Ramble+revelation = Ramblations

Late night thoughts.

Will I ever get ti(red) of writing?

Like asking will I ever get ti(red) of thinking .. Probably not.

I have this thing where I truly feel I'm gonna have Alzheimer's disease and I want everything to be recorded. I pray I don't. If I do, I can read my words with different eyes.. Finally free of my self-conscious thoughts, and actually see myself the way a stranger who reads my words do.

In the event I don't. May the youth and even the elderly use my words to ignite a fire inside them, or to come out with several realizations within themselves after reading anything I've ever written. Whether its a blog post, my poems, short stories, thoughts...
.. my ramblations, which is really everything I write. I'm always rambling. Only after I'm done do I really see the gems I plugged in my words. And I wouldn't have it any other way. It's pure and raw. And I don't excuse myself. No one has to read anything I write, but if you do .. I pray you take something more than a revised view of me. Hope that my vague like depth of thinking inspires deep thoughts of your own.

As long as I can pick up a pen or type words I will always write how I feel, what I'm thinking .. Recap events, plot grand plans. I love that even long after I'm gone, even if I go forgotten .. Which I highly doubt. My words will keep me alive. My words will linger in your thoughts and my spirit will be as present as the reader. For that's forever. To be relevant and thought of long after your bones disintegrated in your coffin.. And that's all I really want. In the afterlife I'll feel my existence wasn't a complete waste no matter what I've accomplished by then. Because who cares about your accomplishments when you're dead and gone.. You spend more time dead than alive. If you think about it. And the legacy you leave behind isn't always what you would imagine it to be, depending on the life you lived.

People can misconstrue your actions and accomplishments/failures but your words are printed by you.. That can't be taken away from you. Sure it may be taken out of context, it might offend.. It might inspire. As long as it provokes something. You've done great. Atleast I think so.

All I ever want out of this life, is successful bliss .. And as I endure this, make it my own and make it last.. Won't be long til I'm in a position where I can help others find successful bliss as well; we all deserve to be happy and living as such .. I just want to help in anyway I can without seeming overbearing, a know it all or too perfect .. This saint with her sinner stripes accepts her flaws.. As we all should. Relaying messages I find useful and motivating to those who don't know, those who could use a pick me up and those who need reminders. So easy to forget. So easy to get distracted by life's crazy charades. There's a bigger picture. You might be too low to see the view .. Or your angle isn't right. Either way, the bigger picture is what matters.. And if you don't like the picture you're viewing. Feel free to paint a new one..

Feeling. And freedom.
To feel and be free to feel is truly great.
That's why I write. I feel free when I'm writing. I can better assess situations and emotions when I write. The feeling I feel inside when I go off on paper is so liberating, and no one walking on earth can take that from me.
Bless the first amendment.

We all feel. And if my words can help you gain insight to your feelings and advance/expand your thought process, I'm truly content. I have so many passions, each and every one has stemmed from writing. Writing things down, jotting things in my notes app, keeping journals (many unsuccessfully RiP..) blogging, tweeting, texting even. Just seeing my thoughts unravel on paper/screen helps me put so much into perspective.
Really one of my favorite outlets.

Another is playing therapist.. And I am able to do that because I write. My extensive vocabulary and advanced level of comprehension, allows me to word things so well.. I understand without judging, I provide insight without imposing my own views on to you.. I can express concerns without belittling your character or bashing your choice in judgment or action. I am able to step outside of myself and kinda become one with you.. Even if for the moment.

Because writing has allowed me to get so in tuned with myself.. I can help those who haven't gotten there .. Get there, without writing.

Everyone isn't as fond of writing as I am, I accept it.

But everyone is fond of understanding. I do it so well...

And I thank literature, for touching my soul time and time again.. And sparking that insatiable urge to write. And I'll continue to write..
And share when the time calls for it.

Restraint.

Lord.. A gift and a curse restraint is.

To be able to keep your composure when you don't want to, is a gift. A curse when you need to let loose and you don't.

My self restraint is stronger than the hulk is when mad. Idk where I get this sense of control from .. Maybe it's from seeing people make a fool of themselves by not holding it together when they should. Maybe I'm sca(red) of what could happen if I lost control. I honestly don't know what I'm capable of. I would hate to lose control and regret my actions later. Times when I feel I should let loose, I still don't. My restraint won't allow me to. Idk if that's instinct and I choose the wrong times to want to let loose. But I hold it down, my composure doesn't crack. At all. I'm starting to think this is more harmful to me than helpful. I haven't quite maste(red) how to turn my restraint on and off whenever I please.. Shit I have a hard time turning it off to begin with.

I need to get that figu(red) out quick. When I get word vomit I swallow it back down. I don't speak. Maybe that's wiser in the long run.. Depending on the scenario. But holding in shit bothers me. Bothers me even after I know I should've said something but by then it's too late. To me anyway. I hate to bring up something I should've been addressed. And that's my fault every time. So what I do when that happens? I charge it to the game. I write it down. I address it exactly the moment it's brought up again... Because believe, it will get brought up again.

Sometimes my restraint helps me in ways I don't understand until time has run it's course. For that, I'm always thankful. Right now, idk whether or not my restraint just helped or hurt me.. I guess time will reveal all right?

Lord patience is a funny bitch

Free.

Shit real.

Like really real.

I'm really positive that with the events that have been unfolding. The time is now. All I see is signs. I'm just following them trusting I'll get closer to my goal, my dreams. Making them concrete reality. I've been patient, even though I may have tried to rush things.. The universe didn't hesitate to put me in my place and said ... Wait. Just wait. And when one door close, the other opens. And some doors are opening just as others are slamming shut. And instead of being upset, I am surprisingly happy that certain doors are slamming shut. I don't have to turn back. This may be the force I needed to really push me forward. I don't have to look back .. There's no reason to. And like I told myself back when I was at rock bottom, it's only up from here. I ain't going back down. That's not happening, I hated that feeling of feeling lost, helpless, confused, frustrated.. Just fed up. And though I don't dwell on the past I keep those emotional memories fresh, to keep me going .. Keep that in mind to remind me of where I don't want to be. And keep fueling me to where I need to go. Where I belong. I feel a sense of freedom I never felt before. And it feels excitingly awesome.

Just going to continue playing the cards I dealt with properly.. Continue making moves and ensuring every step is strategic.. life is chess, never checkers.

Hmm... (Relationships)

I'm single in the romantic aspect. As much as I deny it I do get approached often, but rarely ever anyone that catches my eye or my ear or most importantly, my vibe. I've been told I'm picky and my standards are too high and I'm just unrealistic. But .... I really don't think so. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I demand of myself for myself and other people in my life aren't excluded.

I hate getting to know guys for these reasons, they get too open. (And I always think damn there's a girl who really wish he would act this way with her..same way I'm wishing he was someone else acting this way with me) they get open to all the possibilities they see with me and that's understandable. I am pretty awesome lol but I always feel like there's something missing. And whatever's missing is the reason I always let them fade into the background. I have this let them down easy routine down pact. It's hard for me to explain to someone who sees everything in me that I see nothing in them. And no matter how you try to phrase it, it's cold. Rude. Hurtful. Even if its not intended. It will wound some egos. I'm not tryna deal with that. As bitchy as it sounds. I'm not.

Actually, I do like someone, like genuinely like him .. But of course, I have no idea how he feels.. I mean I did .. But I can't say with certainty the feelings are still there. And it's complicated. Like everything else involving me. I think our timing is wrong, or maybe not. Now I'm not one of those females whose life stops the moment I fall for someone and I can't figure out where we're heading, if we're even going somewhere. I just keep it moving. I am a firm believer in "it'll happen if its meant to be" I say what I need to say and keep going. If I'm heard, proof will be printed as time goes on. And if I'm not. Atleast I didn't stop my world.

I'm just as easily turned on as I am easily turned off. I try to explain to men, just being you is enough.. And some still go overboard, trying to impress me is not flattering. It just tells me that you feel you isn't enough and you have to over do it to really seal the deal with me. Wrong. Wrong. They're always so wrong.

I appreciate and get so open (on the inside of course, poker face on outside) when men are comfortable in their skin and I like who they are.

A flaw I have, I really lose interest fast .. I don't jump from guy to guy to begin with but the few I do give just the time of day never last long. We run out of things to talk about .. Bad habits reveal themselves and I just fade into the background. I guess because I know what I'm looking for, I can spot what I'm not looking for so easily.. And I'm not into wasting my time or yours. So I won't. And in some cases people really won't let it go if they didn't end it or don't understand your reasoning. But it's not you, it's me. You're not for me.
I understand that, there's been situations where I thought I was right for someone and I wasn't. I can't force that and I certainly won't let anyone force that on me.


I guess it is weird.. Or I'm just really real.

Relationships.

Official. Unofficial. Business. Family. Friend. Lover. Fucker. They exist. They are apart of life, our journey with someone (long or short) is never the same as the last or the next. And that's a fact. Idc if you endure the same situations with different people. The people were different. It's different. That's it.

I try not to speak on relationships because I am really single in a lot of aspects, but I can't deny the relationships I have with people; no matter how unconventional it might be.

That being said as I get older I'm realizing effects I have on people and certain "relationships" I get myself into and out of. And I always.. Like everything else. Analyze the shit of it.

Lately, I've been more alert to how people react and act.. And I feel if I break down each relationship in my life I can answer a few questions I have for myself because now I'm getting down. Lol so there will be several relationships I touch that if read by some who "personally" (actual human contact) knows me might think I may be referring to them depending on our relationship. You might be right or wrong depending on the relationship. See I can be vague as fuck but specific enough to get my point across and an even deeper point within myself. Yeahh.. Lmao (I'm high don't mind me. I'm just trying to keep up with the thoughts)

Anywho. I feel like a bitch in some situations but I hate to feel like I have to pretend so I don't hurt feelings. I'm not good at pretending.. Lord knows I tried. If its not in me, it's not in me. I can't bring out what you're not making me feel. I'm sorry. I really am. It makes me feels a little sad sometimes lol I'm dead serious. I don't like to be a "bitch" bad guy. And I can never explain it.

How do you tell someone it just aint there? By saying that right?

Yeah, I repeat it over and over in my head and to some it's so easy to say and to others .. It's like looking at a puppy at the pet store (just take me homee O_O) and then they're the "crazy" ones who you never let get too close in the first place but they always wanna pop up and try their luck. There's the "what have you done for me lately" but can't name anything they've done for you. There's those "dream sellers" who get mad that you won't buy it. So they on you every time, just cause you the one that got away. There's those "you owe me" because in their mind they thought their role had such an impact on your life, you actually owe them something.. Go fucking figure. Lmao those are the funniest kind. Wait, let me not forget the "you gonna need me before I need you" yet ... Time ran out on their end and they're crawling back with their tail chopped off (walking with it in between their legs would be shameful and they ain't that low..) That ignorant pride. Lord. And then there's the "letsputyou downers" the ones that pick you up and tell you everything will be alright until it's time for them to go and it's okay letsputyoudown .. (Puppy at petstore eyes) even worse the ones (who despite your nagging inner voice telling you don't) fuck up every chance you give them even though last time was the last chance they were getting. I know, I know.

The one that you let get away because your pride was too high, shit you even got higher cause you realized you fucked up and you won't dare look back. Nah fuck that, idc (maybach O voice lmfaooo) or the one you're too prideful to even dare reveal how you feel, fearing the worst .. They don't feel the same.. Because they didn't say it first, they didn't show it first or maybe they did but you were in denial brushing it off as just wishful thinking. The ones that makes you feel like they're out of your league but you deserve them anyway. The ones you ain't realize what took you so long to see this person for how truly amazing/corny they were. The ones you wish you never met. And the ones you wish you met sooner. The ones who try to pull one over on you and got themselves stuck and the ones who picked you up when you're down and you ain't even know they was there.

You can find a lover, friend, family in any of these situations. After all it is a relationship. I can only speak on mine. A few deserve their own posts.

I'm really a different kind of person, I really like to be alone. I'll really curve hanging out or a date to stay home. I've done this countless times. Even now as I write this. I'm alone. Lol I do get my moments where I feel like going out or staying in with company, just being around people but it always seems like I leave somebody out. And it's like well I need mandatory me time but you can't explain that. People think you a weirdo. You just wanna be alone all your life? And it's like no, I just don't need anybody around to enjoy my own company. I like me way more than you anyway. And I'm still fighting a few wars in my mind about my life.. I think I gotta get that under control before anything else. Wouldn't you agree? (*dials*...hello? Yes, Bellevue?) that's probably what would happen.
But I digress.

Like I stated I can only speak from MY experiences. I can't tell you what's right or wrong.. I can only provide insight. And because of who I am the way people interact with me will always be different from someone else. There's no such thing as special treatment. Just different. Special is perception. And perception varies on view. So that varies on where you stand and who you looking from.. Who you looking for?(In some cases).


Think about that.

Shit real.

That's pretty much all I can say at the moment. I say that quite often. And no matter what I'm referring to, it always applies.

Sometimes, believe it or not.. I am at a loss for words on particular situations. No word seems appropriate to even begin to describe the reality of certain events or statements.

The reality of something is sinking in, but at the speed of molasses. Maybe that's for the better. I'm already anxious.. I don't need an anxiety attack. Shit might be too real and I don't know it yet. But I do know, I'm ready for it be completely real and no longer a thought in my head, a dream in my mind.

Shit real.

And it only gets realer.

March.

Another month in .. 3 months into 2013 and shit is decent. My main focus is staying positive and executing my plans. I'm making progress and that's key. I don't know what the month ahead has planned for me but I do know I have some plans for it. I got a good feeling, just gotta keep it and continue making moves.

March aint ready for my Madness.

I'm getting better at not getting frustrated, easily .. And if I do, not for long. I know I want this so bad, it's all I think of. But I can't forget to stay in the moment. No matter how bright the future look, I'll get there. Just need to enjoy my time here. My time now.

Everything is falling into place in a beautiful way. I'm accepting the blessings with arms wide open, lord knows I've been waiting.

The universe works in strange ways, but in most cases works to help us. Sometimes we don't understand, but only after events unfold fully do we see the mural the universe has painted for us — Susan Miller (Astrologyzone)

They'll ask me how I did it and who I did it for ..

The only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. Not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. Otherwise you begin excusing yourself. You must see the writing as emerging like a long scroll of ink from the index finger of your left hand; you must see your right hand erasing it —Margaret Atwood

The Strangest Secret.

"This is Earl Nightingale and I would like to tell you about the strangest secret in the world".....

His voice is pretty weird, but his message is amazing. It's not a validation but rather a reassurance of things you may have felt but couldn't describe .. Or maybe that's just how I felt.

If you can listen, truly listen to that and not have a change of attitude afterwards ... This is not for you. You are the 95% who like to ignore the truth. I swear I can always tell who listen to it by how their lives are structu(red). Listen to people when they talk. You can tell how they view life by how they speak of their own. It's indeed the strangest secret.

I think it's amazing to me how a message like this can be around for decades (1956) yet still only 5% succeed in life. Since I've made this message apart of my life, I've tried to pass it on to any and every one willing to listen. Majority of those get the message; the few that didn't just only confirmed what I already knew about them but didn't want to admit. They're failures before they even got a chance to try. I've realized in life that failure is a state of mind, just as success is. Just as everything in life is, if you want to get technical. Conformity is also a state of mind. A very dangerous state of mind as Mr. Nightingale explains in depth .. That's the problem with people today.

“The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it’s conformity.” — Rollo May

Conformity. Acting like everyone else because everyone else is doing it.
Clones. Easier to blend in. Easier to live life by standards set by the majority party. Because in all reality people don't truly wanna live, they're just getting comfortable as they await death. If people really wanted to live, they would. Less miserable souls wandering the streets and more happy beings bursting with joy lighting up the pavements when they pass on by. Because living, is doing what makes you feel alive; not what turns your face stale as if life is a bitter old apple you just took a big bite of. People often do what they think is right rather than what feels right. That may work in some cases, but even in my 21 years of living I can already tell you that with life itself. That's not gonna work.

“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.” — George Bernard Shaw

I love everything about the quote above, especially because I was once that person .. Blaming my circumstances, using that a crutch because I couldn't stand up on my own two and accept my circumstances, were the cause of me. Didn't do me any good, so I tossed the crutch .. Ain't limp since. I try to help people change their mind frame, because as Mr. Nightingale told us; we become what we think about.
We think about what we become.
It's a never ending cycle.

The same reason we aren't supposed to invest so much time and thought into fear but rather invest it in something more positive, more desirable. Of course, it's easier said than done .. But if you really focus on it .. Eventually it'll be done and you will be amazed at why you didn't change your mind frame sooner. Some people are so stuck in their ways, they don't see it .. But that's because they don't want too. If they want to change, they would be open to change. Right? But to admit that, would mean admitting that one was closed minded to begin with, and lord knows no one wants to admit that willingly.

But this is a great inspirational taping, and I will forever spread the knowledge and belief I have for that particular message. You become what you think about.
I'm sure I'll be more convincing once I become all I ever thought of .. I'm getting there.

"What you think today and tomorrow, the next month, the next year, will mold your life and determine your future. You’re guided by your mind."

Inspi(red)

I'm here, I'm not all the way settled in. But this is my apartment. I'm still as excited as I was when I first walked through the door, It hasn't even been a week, everything isn't kosher just yet. Yet, I couldn't be more happier. This is exactly what I needed to start off my new year right. 2013 will be very prosperous, no matter what obstacles are thrown my way, I will not be phased. I told myself over and over what I needed to really get my dreams off the ground and now I got it. I have to take full advantage and as my life seems to be finally getting easier (or I'm getting better at taking control of my life) I can't continue to let opportunities pass me by. I'm constantly inspi(red) by everything and everyone I see on a daily basis, the time to do something with it is now. 

I broke down what I need to do, what I want to do and time frames for both. My mind working 100mph and I need to be as organized as possible .. when your attention span matches the one of a curious squirrel, Organization is key. I have so many ideas, but timing is crucial. which is why I choose to take my time and make sure the blueprints are perfected. I'm almost there, and New blue prints are being created everyday .. I really can't wait til We (my cousin and I) are done decorating the apartment. Once that's complete we'll be ready to go. Everyday that passes just proves that this was the right decision. I really have no idea what awaits me, all I know its gonna be bigger than I imagine. and my imagination is already far out. 

Remain; Positive, Focus and smoking. lol 

No one can give you better advice than yourself. ~ Cicero