Shit real.

As the days continue to fly at jet speed.. I am constantly reminded of several things.

Shit is real..

I realized more of why certain things aren't working and why other things are.. More clarity on things I couldn't see through to its core. Things including people.

I feel calmer than ever but this electric wave of ease seems to follow me lately.. Mind you, everything isn't on the up, yet I feel happy.. Not content, but happy. It's like I know, but I don't know. Weird but I'm just gonna follow my vibes like I've been doing. 

I feel change. I feel the shift. I've trained myself to feel it, see it as it moves.. I'm far from naive but if you get caught in the moment (which can easily happen) you can overlook the shift.. Whether its the shift from good to bad, or bad to good.. The shift is the curve.. The curve completes the circle. The circle of life doesn't stop spinning.. The earth is a reminder. It spins and shifts from season to season, and every year it completes one circle. In that one circle, you experience four shifts... Winter to spring.. Spring to summer.. Summer to fall. Fall to winter.. And it repeats every year like clock work. The outcomes of these shifts vary, but the variables are constant. This is life. We experience seasons with things and people, sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. You have to notice the shift though.. The shift when it's about to get good or it's about to go bad.. And you'll feel it before you see it. By the time you see it it's too late. Being aware of shifts is more of an advantage than anything... To forsee the change coming because you noticed the shift and you watch it run its course, you may want to intervene, the shift not always going to shift in your favor but keep in mind you can't stop the shift. You can ride with it until the shift comes back around to your odds which is always 50/50.. 

If you're honest with yourself about your positions in life situations, the shift whether in your favor or not, will allow you to save alot more time than one who ignores the shift and waste precious time trying to reverse shifts. Everyone isn't going to be honest with you. No matter how honest you can be, everyone you encounter isn't guaranteed to reciprocate your level of honesty. So you always have to be honest with yourself. When others aren't, and you are honest about the shift... This gives you an alternative.. This way or that way. You can always break a circle.. But you can't stop one from spinning, I've noticed that. I mean you can, but who wants to be stagnant?

Anyway with all this in mind and everything I'm learning and am reminded of.. My actions are seriously reflecting all of this. The patience I continue to acquire is making alot more possible. My calm demeanor is handling the unpleasant aspects rather swiftly. The shift is shifting.. I suggest you act accordingly, I certainly am. 

Keep calm, end the year strong. 

Language.

Sometimes I think I speak a foreign language.. Context, comprehension and impression alter language. Not just vocal language, but body language and sign language as well.. Even if you feel you're coming off as clear and direct, there's still a possibility.. you were misunderstood.

People look at you and imagine how you sound, the way you speak, your tone.. And when you actually hold a conversation with them you either were what they imagined, or you're not. I'm usually not. My tone, my remarks, my choice in words are nothing that they could've imagined, how do I know? Their face tells it every time. Plenty of conversations where I'm cut off mid sentence, "I didn't expect you to speak like that" .. Lol I'm assuming its a combination of how I speak, my body language and their comprehension of what's really happening.. 

You can't talk to just anybody about any thing. You know that right? Some conversations will go way over heads or right under the table. That's why we enjoy those people who literally everything is eye level and on the table in conversation. But language, sometimes gets lost in translation. 

So in those moments we're still on the same page by the end of our conversation, it's like reading a book together, and now you're done.. You feel like you left with something, a story, a new outlook on something, a more advanced idea of an existing idea and someone was there that entire time, making it even more real..(yay, a witness, lol) Just great. Wonderful, wouldn't life just be so grand if we we're all on the same page? 

But language, it's funny at times.. We can both speak the same language literally and you still can interpret what I said as something other than how I meant it. Either more positive, or negative, more general or personal, uplifting or degrading ... Sometimes you can't even call it, but you feel some type of way. Why? 

Let me break down language and the levels to this shit. Lol

Level 1. Vocal language. 

Literally the words that are coming out of your mouth, your tone of voice as well.

Basic level of language. This is by far the easiest, learning how to speak is elementary, once you grasp that, you're able to communicate with those that speak your language. It only gets advanced, (this is where most get lost in translation) when emotions alter tone in vocal language. See, you could be speaking clearly, directly, and make all the sense in the world.. But if your tone is off, shit can real. Everything you just said got wrecked by the train of your tone. You didn't even mean it the way it came off.. But your emotions couldn't hide how you really felt. People tend to lie about tone so much it's crazy, instead of just saying, yes, I do feel this way but I've been wanting to address this for a while. No, a new conversation will proceed in regards to tone and blame, and everything that has nothing to do with what was said, but how it was said. Depending on the parties involved determines how bad that ends.

And FYi, sometimes, there is no tone. The words are enough. That's what you're working with. Go with that. Some people like to travel down 'de Nile' river in hopes to avoid what was clearly said.. They imagine a sarcastic tone, 'nah they weren't serious, hahaha(crazy laugh) silly them'.. And it's like, come on.. Don't do that to yourself. Accept it for what it is. 

If you're like me whose voice is often monotone, you have to coordinate your words accordingly.. Your tone will always fool people, so the words have to stick.. And maybe that's why I have an extensive, ever-growing vocabulary. You know how many words fit situations a thousand times better than the generic word for the term; the variation of that generic word specifies the situation, making it easier to understand where you're coming from. But if you generalize or wrongfully specify the situation, signals will almost always get crossed. 

Choose your words accordingly. 

It's not so much watching what you say; when you speak, you're speaking to be understood, remember that.

Level 2. Body language. 

The way you move, react to yourself, others, varies in setting, on person and situation.. 

My favorite. I love that shit because the body doesn't speak in a voice, but with moves and it's fun decoding it. The quicker I get it, it's like entering a new level on a game. Once you understand a person's simple set dynamic, body language is more than obvious. We all have a simple set dynamic.. It's different, duh, but it's same in simplicity. Learning a person is fun, body language tells you the most, and the body will always tell you if the words are a lie. (even if you want the words to be a lie and body language reveals it true, the fact that the words are being made a lie should ring an alarm) body language is most discreet of the language, most either don't notice it.. Or worse, ignore it. 

Nothing good has ever come from ignoring the body. 

You don't have to do anything but pay attention... It's really that simple. You will pick up vibes as you go along. 

Act accordingly. 

Level 3. The highest level of all.....

Sign language. 

Sign language is different. The language of the signs in your life is probably the most important one. Life signs will tell you if you're on to something, or wasting your time... If you're right or wrong.. If where you're headed is beneficial for you or not. If those in your life belong there or not.. And the signs are everywhere, but the comprehension skill to understand sign language is very rare.. Mainly cause many aren't aware. 

Think of every 'sign' you ever felt you had in life and play all those known signs out like a story book of your life, signs was a character and he had dialogue. If you can visualize that, you're going to notice even more now in retrospect, than you did in the moment you were just happy enough to have caught the sign.. Sometimes you don't have body language or vocal language, just sign language, all these signs telling you what's up, you either on it or you're brushing it off because you can't understand signs. It's not an easy task, granted. But that's why it's even more crucial to know how to understand signs. To pay attention to what the world is trying to tell you, and move accordingly. 

Anybody that has fell to a great demise, igno(red) sign language. And in the stories we read of these fallen heroes or villains, we always notice the decline, the beginning of the end.. How can we notice it in books or movies, but not in ourselves? Not with other people or situations that are clearly no good but we still fucking with it? Why? We ignore the signs. We're emotionally involved with this person, place or thing and we don't have eyes for anything other than what's in front of us, let alone the signs. But in books or movies, even if we become emotionally attached, we're aware of what's going on, we're trying to figure out what's going on as its happening. As opposed to real life, where we rarely even question things in the moment, but more often in retrospect. That's usually where we fuck up, questioning everything so vocally.. Creating a cloud of doubt to hover over us, raining on our possible parade.. Instead, be aware of the signs and collect them in a mental sense and as you go along you'll gain better understanding of what the signs meant. And you won't even have to ask questions. 

Those 3 levels of language combined can alter how someone understands you.. Impression lies upon perception.. So as I mentioned, you can still be misunderstood. And that's fine.. As long as you know what you meant and were clear about it on your end. That comes from language of self. When you know yourself and you're in tuned with your mind, body, and soul.. All language levels are easy to set. You know how to express your self to be understood. And those that don't understand, you don't bother to speak to.. Not everyone is meant to understand each other. Once you understand that.. You won't harbor those that don't understand you, you'd move on to those that do. Self language is key before even entering the world and the levels of language. Self language is like the core of language. If you don't know yourself, how can anyone else? You don't even know how to interpret what you feel so how could I ever really know if that's how you really feel? The worst thing you can do is have someone fake figure you out before you do. You need to know yourself.

Take me for instance, I know myself. In and out. Flaws and all. I know when and how to address something, I know how to say what I need to say without inflicting unsettled emotion in my tone.. I know myself well enough to pick and choose when I want to speak.. I know well enough to know when I don't know enough to speak.. Who to speak to, who to avoid, little shit like that makes allllllll the difference in my conversations with people.. I don't have arguments, I rarely raise my voice.. Yet my point gets across every time. If the words don't, the body language will and the signs I leave afterwards seal the deal.

When I speak, I like for who I'm speaking to, to feel me.. Feel me?

If not what's the point, really?

Quick.

We all want to be the fastest, we all want to finish first. First means fast.. Finish lines... Races. Life is a race no? But what kinda of race, who's competing, what's won once the finish line is reached.. Where the finish line even is.. Varies. 

Like everything. 

Granted. 

In this life race, you're either competing with yourself and the world, or yourself and others.. There is a difference.  

Now, I always think about that old story, the tortoise and the hare.. The big race. And somehow slow ass turtle won, you would think the hare would've won, stronger legs, great quality for the race.. But the hare wasn't thinking about winning the race, just beating the turtle, while ridiculing him for being slower than him.. If the race meant more than the opponent, the hare wouldn't have compa(red) himself to the tortoise.. Despite him being his competitor, winning the race was the main objective. The tortoise on the other hand could care less about the hare and his advantage over him in the race.. Sure the hare was fast, and tortoises are naturally slower.. But even that didn't stop him. His concern was the race. And he won the race... While the hare embarrassed and now a loser, all because he underestimated his opponent and slept on him literally. 

So in life's race we have tortoises and hares. We all want to be hares, quick and  fast. No one wants to be slow ass tortoise.. But in reality it's always the tortoise that wins... The hares of the world tire themselves out seconds before they reach the finish line.. Sometimes even half way depending on how fast they are.. Wasting their fast energy on everything but the race. Being quick is always a plus, but where you choose to be quick determines if its wise.. Some situations calls for us to slow down. So in the race of life... The speed will vary. But even if you're quick like the hare, don't be the hare, the hare was so quick he slipped up and lost focus of what matte(red).. The moment he focused more of his attention on his competitor and less on his progress in the race, he lost. 

In life's race, your only competitor is you..   And the finish line. That's it. Fuck everyone else, sure you can be aware that you're not the only one reaching for the same finish line but aware and devotedly focused are two different things. No matter how fast you are, pacing yourself based on the pace of the next person will always slow you up..  The hare was physically faster than the tortoise but because he felt the tortoise was slow, he was gonna play around.. Take naps and shit. He based his pace on his opponent's speed, and he lost. Had he set his own pace, and not on the tortoise, he'd easily won the race but he didn't take the race nor his opponent seriously.. In the end, he was the joke.

It's funny, cause the tortoises of the world win every time because they're worried about themselves.. Their pace, their eyes on the prize. Competitors aren't a factor. 

Some people like to compete and others like to win. Some just like the challenge, others value the victory. There's people that will try to compete with you in whatever aspect just for the sake of it, and some for the prize. That's why it's not wise to focus so much on 'competitors' .. Some aren't even there to win it, you are.. But if you focus on your competitors and who they are and what's their qualities and blah blah.. You're doing too much.. You're not focusing on you, the race, the finish line and how are you going to get there quickly.. All those things to consider will definitely make you faster in your race.. You can't slow anyone else down unless you slow yourself down first, you can focus on you beating your competitors.. Or focus on winning the race. What's more important? And if its beating your competitors.. You're racing for the wrong reasons. 

Like I said, your only competitor is yourself and the finish line.. Even if someone is on the same path as you doesn't mean they're running the same race.. That's another reason why it's not wise to focus so much on 'competitors' some could be a figment of your imagination. If anything, you should use the feeling of competition you may get from others as fuel in your own race to the finish line.. Work smarter, finish quick and clean. 

Don't be so quick, you might end up like the hare... Pace yourself in your race.. So when you finish you can actually breathe.

Emotion vs. Logic.

Emotion vs logic... To have one without the other seems off though.. why the battle? 

Emotions need the guidance of logic, which is kinda like one of reasons women need men (they're more logical naturally, we can just be better once we manage emotion, they're backwards. Thus why we fit oddly enough.) logic doesn't feel, and feelings can't tell you what is, just what it feels... It doesn't see.. That's why logic is crucial. Logic are the eyes, emotions shut their eyes to what is, (even if its to imagine more of what is).. Although our feelings are real, they're not always right. Logic is always right, even if its not your right. It's right because you found out how it's right. You see what I'm sayin? 

Can't you be both? Are you logically emotional? Or Emotionally logical? Does that even make sense.. Is that even truly possible to be both simultaneously? 

Logically emotional sounds to me like you're emotional about logic .. You're passionate about logic, finding the right one and so on.. Emotionally logical sounds to me like your emotions dictate your logic.. Whatever you feel is right, so a logic will form its way from the depths of these feelings.

So your emotion is driven by logic, or your logic is driven by emotion... 

The difference in either combination is like black and white.

To have your logic driven by emotion is great if you love emotional roller coasters and a chaotic lifestyle.. Emotions change, so if you're basing logic on emotion, you're gambling alot here.. Logic dictates how you maneuver through life.. If you're constant changing your logic to suit emotion.. That can get crazy.. Now, we can't disregard feelings like its not one of the only things that lets us know what's real, but like with everything else.. We can't let it carry us away into our ever expanding imagination, which only enhances whatever we feel into more of that feeling with less reality, but more imagination. And we'll find any logical reason to justify it because we feeel it. Yes we do.. But it's more on us that we do. You feel me? So we'll intensify a memory or a moment, situation or whatever.. And forget that half that shit didn't even happen, but we're more mad or happy than what originally sparked the emotion. You see how this can fuck you up? You see how easily emotions can run logic? .. 

Now on the flip side, if you love logic, and everything it stands for.. Your emotions drives you to find logic, not create it. There's logic in everything. 

Idk if its just me, but I really like to figure out how and why things work.. I won't look at a manual, but the product and see if I figure out mentally why this works, how it works. If its intriguing, my emotion of curiosity will push me to find the mechanisms of whatever is intriguing me. This is exactly how I view life and people. Like household appliances that I want to see how and why they tick, no manual in sight... Certainly doesn't stop me.

Being passionate about logic is great because we can't help but feel.. And to have it controlled to the point where you figure out why you're feeling like this, what does this mean, what is this emotion telling you, the logic behind the emotion.. You're not trying to justify it, you're searching for the why.. And in that search, you observe, take notes.. Test out several different variables, make a conclusion. It's a calm insightful alternative.. Life is already chaotic enough with its uncontrolled way of being.. Last thing we need is to be chaotic within.

I'm a big believer in feelings, and intuition.. Never ignore how you feel. But never let it take over in the same token. Emotions are repetitive. Who, what and the intensity we feel them for varies, it will change. The emotion we feel will not. Once you know how to correctly identify your emotions..(Being that you don't lie about which emotion is which) you will always know what's coming next, you felt this before. You know what it is. Butttttt.. Because the people/things we feel these things for differ, we swear up and down its different. And it's not. Just the visual is different. The emotion is the same. We tend to tie our emotions to things/people instead of just labeling it as one of emotions thats been tapped and when we feel those emotions with others we act retarded like we can't identify this feeling.. Like this shit is new. It's really amazing how we fool ourselves sometimes, the nerve of us trying to blame others for that. Where's the logic in that? 

Your feelings can and should guide you.. But your logic should be the one mapping out the route. Your feelings lets you know if you're off about something, logic step out to figure it out.. Gather all the data on what caused this feeling and alert you on what's really going on here.. Sometimes we don't know how we feel, that's fine.. But to act on something when we haven't bothe(red) to look a little deeper into it, is foolish.. And as we all know, everything is easier to get into than get out of.. 

I rather spend my life getting into myself than living life trying to get out of potholes I dove in trying to find myself.. Which happens when your emotionally logical.. You'll run around like a chicken with his head chopped of ending in all types of shit.

Idk man, I just think about shit like this, I'm more logical than emotional.. I have feelings, but logic has more of a say... Not saying logic tells feelings stfu and sit back.. It's a team effort but logic is the spokesperson.. Emotions, just always wanna speak.. Logic actually has something to say. But I never ignore my feelings ... I always make sure logic aware when I am, like L you got that? "Yup" okay process that in. Always gotta stay on point. It can be very easy for emotions to get wild, but as long as you're logical enough to check them, you  should be fine. 

Sometimes I do get more emotional than logical.. But I swear, it's only around my week of hell.. So I guess that doesn't count, does it? Ah who cares? Even in that one week free logic gets, it doesn't throw me off.. I think it helps in some weird biological way.. Whatever I'm no scientist. 

Emotion and logic seem like such opposites, emotion always portrayed as wild and uncontrollable.. While logic is viewed as a chess master, calm, strategic.. Straightforward. Yet both together in the right combination, with the right balance is amazing. 

Eh.. Just a thought.

Cycle.

I hate to sound repetitive, unless I'm tryna remember something. Those are alarms.. 

But I noticed not only do certain things sound repetitive, they feel and seem repetitive as well. These cycles of repetition in certain aspects do not stop repeating themselves, unless their broken. It doesn't even have to sound the same.. But it always feels the same. The circumstances may differ, the people and dialogue as well.. But the repetitive feeling cycle is the same... Something is wrong. Right? Depending on the feeling. 

I was analyzing myself as I had my body on autopilot, I thought about how different circumstances are now yet, the same repetitive feelings in certain aspects are reoccurring, I know what stage I'm in.. I'm familiar with this feeling. I know what's next.. But as I decoded this particular cycle, I drifted towards the other cycles in my life.. How content am I with these cycles, which ones I need to break and which I need to reinforce and make sure I continue to repeat?.... 

Then I realized, there's also cycles I need to start. I've been gradually doing so, but there's more things that I would like to repeat and get into a decent cycle. 

It's all in the motion. Take enough baby steps, eventually you're walking. 

See the thing about cycles they always come back around, so as long as the good outweighs the bad, I can deal with the bad with much better ease. For every up there's a down, if the up is worth the down.. Suck it up until it goes back around. It's simple.  

I'm very calm.. Even at times when I should "over react" .. But I keep note of everything and in reinforcing the more positive cycles, the ones that seem to trouble me will be a thing of the past soon enough. One thing I took from Russell Simmons was "treat the inevitable highs and lows with the same calm manner". I'm already calm, but mastering how to remain calm during the lows has really kept me sane in situations where I would've lost my mind. If I didn't over react before, I definitely don't over react now.

It's funny bc my calm character definitely allows me to foresee certain things, and that's always beneficial. 

I just keep calm and stick to the plan. 

The cycle continues, and as one ends, another begins..  The never ending circle of life. 

Shit real.

Package.

A package, a group of objects wrapped in paper, plastic or in a box.

People are packages, group of objects (characteristics, mannerisms, all emotional qualities, what we can bring to the table, blah blah) that are wrapped by us, beneath our skin lies the content of the package. How we wrap our packages also has a big factor in what's in the package.. We dress our packages with what we want to project to the world as we're being shipped to our destination. What we feel best represents our contents. Or so we should.. 

Some like to wrap their packages using their own contents, what you see is what you get. Some like to use certain "wrapping" to attract a certain type of attention, disregarding the contents in their package, they feel that's not good enough for the wrapping. Some like to disguise their packages. 

What you see isn't always what you get. 

You might stumble upon a beautiful package, so appealing and intriguing, buy it and rip the wrappings just to uncover a disappointing package.. The wrapping was the best part. Its barely anything there. And you might overlook the plain brown package in the corner with all the gems inside.. It happens everyday.

But the psychological truth is people are, by nature intrigued by appearance, what we can see, what we can not see counts for nothing. So we judge what we see, we base our opinions and thoughts, how we move, on what we see. 

But what are you really seeing? 

All these packages, you don't have time to look through all of them, so you judge the wrapping.. Right? Right. But many judge the wrapping in the wrong way. You could see two packages, both equally appealing .. One of them is lying. One of those packages is a decoy, the wrapping is just a deflection from the actual content that lies inside. A trap set to intrigue you when in reality, if the package was transparent.. you wouldn't have bothe(red) at all. So how can you tell, without unwrapping it? You won't know until you open the package right? 

..Is there a way to kinda obtain X-ray vision in a sense without having to unwrap a package? Yes. 

It's called paying attention to the delivery. 

How we deliver ourselves, says way more about who we truly are, than any custom wrapping could.

See like I said, we're all packages. We're all being shipped somewhere, we make pit stops along our journey and we're gonna come across people who are interested in what we're packing. Some for the wrong reasons, often, we don't know it's wrong until after we've let them inside. You gotta protect your package. Can't let people tamper with it or damage it before you get to where you're meant to be. Some might mishandle your package because they didn't read the labels properly, or you weren't specific enough with care instructions. Either way, you have to be able to keep your package intact.

You may place your package in the hands of others from time to time, but you ultimately are responsible for the delivery.

You are your package, you know all the contents within. To let someone wrap your package for you, to allow outsiders to dictate how you wrap yourself, is an abomination to who you truly are.. To feel the need to display all your contents on your wrappings, just tells me you don't have much to offer anyway.. To conceal your contents tells me you value it so much you only want the truly worthy to uncover you.. Those that sense the contents despite your repellant wrappings.

When the contents within a package are amazing in every way, you may want to shout it everywhere you go.. 'Look at me and my great self.. I'm well on my way... Yayyyyy!' But you might pick up some stragglers that way, you might catch the eyes of the envious who at all cost will try to divert you from your path. You might get distracted and caught up cause a few praised you better than you, they see the gems in your package. You can hardly contain your excitement. I know. 

Fight that urge to reveal yourself entirely. 

Yes you're great. Yes, you are the complete package.

No. You don't have to advertise your package or your delivery, just deliver. 

In hyping your package you, yourself may get hype .. Don't believe the hype. 

If you're content with your contents, there's no need get overwhelmed when others don't see it, your content is obviously not meant for them.. no matter how you try to wrap your package, once it's off, you are who you are. No wrapping will ever change how people feel if who you are isn't meant for them. Keep that in mind, as well as being aware of your wrappings.. 

If you choose to be selective in revealing your contents, wrap yourself in the vaguest form of your content. Let your wrappings still be you, even if a piece. Some wrappings will have your package drifting towards a different lane, something you gotta keep an eye on. People will assume by your wrappings they know where you belong, and try to push you there.. Imagine if that happened with the wrong wrapping?.. Seems like the easiest way to get lost to me.

The mission is to stay on track. 

Your destination awaits.

Although there's always more than meets the eye, we have to keep an eye out for signs that comes with packages, the labels we come with aren't the labels many read, material labels mean nothing. The packaging labels are vivid and clear indicators of the type of package we're dealing with. Act accordingly. The labels aren't always in words, peep the signs. You don't want to uncover a package and get stuck with its horrible contents all because you refused to acknowledge the signs on the package. 

Be aware. 

Don't underestimate a package, all while not putting too much praise in the wrappings, no matter how appealing it might be. The wrappings come off. 

The content is what matters. 

The content is the only thing that matters. 

Wrappings are disposable, replaceable. They're just hold the valuables together til it's time to be opened.. If many paid as much attention to the contents of their package rather than how they wrap it, we wouldn't need wrapping. We would all be the brown package on our way, some with stickers if we're feeling creative. Definitely clear labels. Quicker deliveries.

Think of people around you as packages, especially those whose content you're somewhat familiar with, look at their content, then, look at their wrappings... Notice something? 

I would hope so.

Initiative.

Multiple variations when defining that word but overall it means the ability to step up and take control. 

Many don't take initiative for the following reasons; they don't know how, they're waiting on you so they can follow up, or the most popular, they just don't want to. Simple. 

Now those three reasons say a lot about a person and their initiative skills or lack thereof... Studying a person and yourself in times where initiative is requi(red) will answer alot of questions you may have. With each scenario, results may vary. 

I take initiative when I feel like it, I can be honest about that.. And more often I don't feel like it. That's changing due to the fact that to achieve my many, many wants, I need to initiate more than a few things myself, which I don't mind.. But it's relatively new to me, due to my laid back nature. But I don't mind stepping up to get shit done. 

Now, thats with things but people? I rarely take initiative with people, I think I'm a great persuader but I don't want to feel like I have to persuade you, I want you to be down on your own merit, not cause my gift of gab worked wonders.

I love when men take initiative with me. A man that takes initiative means to me he knows what he wants and that's me. He initiates things based off his knowledge of me to seal the deal. And if the feelings are mutual, the deal is sealed. But if its not, I appreciate the effort. It doesn't go unnoticed I just have to let you go and not waste anymore of your time. I rarely take initiative with men because honestly, it's been a while since I wanted someone bad enough to take initiative if they haven't. And it's tricky with that. As a female we can take initiative and make it clear but some men will oblige either so they don't rock the boat, despite the fact they don't want the same things as you but they don't want to fuck up a good thing or they want to string you along bc they're not too sure yet.. Both cases are wrong. But it happens.. And we don't know until too much precious time has been wasted. It's tragic but it's life. 

The solution to this is to be real observant after you've taken initiative .. Not just with men or women, observant after any type of initiative has been taken. You threw it in the air .. Watch it fall, see where it lands and if it goes unnoticed or not. Act accordingly afterwards. 

The thing about initiative, it's a risk.. You're taking the lead in whatever aspect. You're making that first move. You're stepping up. Some are fearful of that, some don't know how to do that. We all should and quite frankly, we have nothing to fear. The beauty of stepping up is you get a better view, not always in the way you wanted but it definitely provides more clarity than before.. You can get exactly what you want or find out what you thought you wanted wasn't that at all. 

It's quite the time saver. 

I should know, I've wasted time trying to figure things out on my own instead of taking the initiative to get the answers I needed, which would've only saved me time. But I used to fear rejection. Fear of making a fool of myself. Fear of being wrong when I wanted to be right so bad. But that takes too much time. Sure I'm able to figure shit out way quicker now due to that, but I can't get that time back. I don't dwell on that, shit I don't dwell on anything for that matter. But I do reflect and in retrospect my pride once again cost me, and time is non refundable.. So to move forward and preserve my time and make the most of it.. Taking initiative is definitely requi(red). Especially, when I know what I want. 

Don't take initiative if you're not sure what you want. That can only bring chaos... You're initiating something that you're not even sure of, what happens when you find out you don't want what you initiated? Then what? You got a mess on your hands. No one wants a mess. And if you really don't know what you want. Be mature and admit that, take the initiative to say, "you know what .. I'm still figuring shit out. Come back to me later or I'll let you know when I figure it out". Save time not just for you, but for others involved.

If its one thing I know, uncertain people are more a nuisance than anything. Not everybody likes guessing games, myself included. Fuck guessing, what do you want? And do you want it bad enough to vocalize it? .. Shit you gotta ask yourself. So when people do, you have a solid answer ... "Idk" is annoying. How you don't know what you want? Must not have given it much thought I would think.. 

If you don't know what you want, you'll take anything. Don't be that type of person to just take anything, just to have something. Everything that's offe(red) isn't always in your best interest.

Knowing what you want, in all aspects and then taking initiative has no consequences.. Sure you may not get what you want after you take initiative in one aspect but the beauty in that is you actually KNOW this, you're not assuming .. You took initiative, saw that your wants weren't met.. You move on to the next. Taking the initiative to continue moving forward after hearing no or something negative is truly key. We're gonna hear no, more often than we think. No doesn't mean stop. No just means, not over here. Taking initiative allows us to go.. And to grow for that matter. We become more assertive and resilient after taking initiative in life. We're able to save an enormous amount of time after gaining these virtues.. The more initiatives you take, the harder it is to actually stop you. The more initiatives you want to take. 

I tried lying to myself, and I couldn't do it. I didn't even realize I was trying to lie to myself until I answe(red) myself with an attitude lol. I truly do know what I want, so for me to act like I don't know or try to downplay what I want to others is an insult to my character. I lectu(red) myself on all that I want, and all that I don't. And I told myself, 'from here on out. Anybody asks you what you want, you tell them. No more beating around the bush, no more playing the cut.' I played the cut, the cut served its purpose.. Now it's time to play ball. Getting out the dugout and even if I strike out on the first inning.. I have plenty more as long as I take the initiative to stay in the game. Mind truly is over matter. You can step up to the plate or watch someone else go after and get what you want. 

It's all on you.

Umm...

Few things I wanna touch on.

I've been frustrated lately.. Every now and then it happens, I haven't realized my goals and that can get frustrating. I remind myself of where I will be. What I will accomplish, listen to 1230am interlude (which is positive thoughts on "wax", which is another reminder as well.. It's sitting in my notepad, once upon a time I could only read it.. Now I can hear it. So ill. Much love to Juan for that) and remain positive. 

But as positive as I am... As optimistic as ever, sometimes I have to bash myself. Overall as a person, I'm content with who I am. But in life, I'm not even remotely close. I'm nooooo way near where I feel I'm supposed to be. I guess the place I would feel would be home, in all aspects.  And I can't tell you where I feel I'm supposed to be; just know, when I get there, you'll know.

I mentally fuck myself up, taunting myself like bitch this not what you want? So why you still here? .. I force myself to answer questions I would never have to with people, more often simply because they don't ask. Those conversations rarely come up, and even when they do.. I'm vague about it, honest, but vague. I know me, I know the soft spots. So I gotta ask me, I gotta be that bully that keep poking at the sore spots until I stand up to me. And it's a win win. When I do it... The breakdown is nasty. But it's needed. I realized that. I tend to hold things in.

I really don't like to complain, I feel complaining is very annoying. And I feel complaining is discussing things that bother you that you can fix over and over with no visible effort to change it. That's annoying. And usually the time spent speaking on it, could be spent actually fixing it. It's one thing to elaborate on your problems and seek help but when you're like me, I feel all my problems stem from me.. So I gotta look in. You can't see that deep. Life itself helps me understand alot more about who I am and who I'm not. 

I feel I have alot of components, like alot within me. And in order to really become who I'm truly meant to be, I have to get them all aligned and awaken me out this nightmare I have to deal with. Because it is a nightmare, and I'm ti(red) of dreaming. I know exactly what I want. 

My little sister asked me yesterday, "what's the difference between being closed minded and knowing what you want"? 

I thought about it, "you know what you want after you conside(red) your options and made the choice; if you're closed minded, you wouldn't had conside(red) any other option". 

I really know what I want, and it frustrates me that people don't understand as to how far an extent I'm talking about.

But that's my fault. 

And I realized why its my fault.. But lord knows I'm working. Every day I'm working in all senses. Building up my endurance, I'll always get stronger. The weight on my shoulders heavy, but I refuse to buckle. 

I watched Kanye's latest interview on BBC radio, and I must say.. I loved it. Idk if its because we're the same sign or just both great (his great already known) but he was talking some real shit. I think about shit like that all the time... I peeped game and I'm not even in the game so for him to be in the game, speak on it and prove accuracy to my beliefs really boosted my positivity levels. Great reassurance that I truly know what the fuck I'm talking about. And I bet my life on it, he was being vague. Shit get way deeper than that. It's deeper than rap. Lmao and little shit like that seem like pure signs to me. I was beating the shit out of myself the other night and as I released my frustrations and awakened self realizations, came to terms with what's going on and what's next... I felt better. I pulled out my reminders and got back to the focus, the mission. 

Then that interview popped up, nigga .. That's a sign. Also Drake's Chelsea lately and Ryan seacrest interview I happen to catch earlier that day as well. I'm so proud of drake lol idek him personally. But I've been a fan since degrassi, and am more than fond of his musical catalog. He's up. He really came up and to have watched the journey on the low, I'm happy for him. I remember when google thought I meant Drake Bell, they don't get it confused anymore. He's certainly very inspiring, to me at least. 

Subtle reminders like that, seeing people (not just the two I named above) live out their dreams, are more than inspiring.. It's motivating. The world is full of reminders that anything is possible and all within in your reach, if you just reach. Living proof that limitations are a mental cage. And you ironically, hold the key and lock. 

Shit real.

Reality Check-in.

Woke up this morning and felt the change of weather.. It's cold. But I'm still hot. 

The plotting that I've been doing is more than ready. The actions I've been taking can be taken further. I know what I need to move forward, I'm just in the process of eliminating my setbacks so they no longer hold me back. It's always something, but all that tells me is that what I'm aiming for, will be that much more worth it once I get it. 

Life is a game, but I'm playing for keeps. 

My stubbornness and manly pride are still a factor, although I'm really working on it.. Old habits die hard. But they will die or atleast become more of an asset than a setback.. 

I just continue to analyze myself and my moves, also those around me gotta keep an eye on my surroundings. 

Always remind myself.... Be aware, those few times I wasn't aware haunt me and I'll be damned if I ever put myself in a position where I'm not comfortable with my surroundings because I wasn't aware.

Shit real.

Act accordingly. 

The Bubble theory.

Bubbles. Air bubbles. Life bubbles. 

If you blow a bubble too fast, it pops. If you blow it slow enough, you can control how big and solid you want your bubble to be. Like glassblowing. You take your time. And your bubble never pops. It can break, but it doesn't pop. The difference is longevity. Your bubble popping is alarming, quick, sudden. If your glass bubble starts to break, you can feel when it's breaking. Because its glass it takes a little longer to crack depending on the impact. It's solid.

Everyone lives in a bubble, we can all intertwine bubbles when we're together. But for the most part we all have our own bubble. 

What and who we allow in our bubble, defines us. It's the air we breathe.. It's our atmosphere in a sense. It's all in our bubble, it consumes us. No matter what you allow in your bubble you should never let anything cloud your vision, cloudy bubbles are no good. 

You always have be aware of what's going on outside your bubble as well ..  Outside of your bubble is the real world, who doesn't give a fuck about your bubble. And if you're not too aware, you might fuck around and get your bubble popped. Depending on your bubble.. It can pop or crack hard on impact. 

Either way, you're gonna feel it.

Build your bubble, filter it so you don't have chaotic shit distracting you from what's going on outside your bubble. Your bubble shouldn't stress you, your bubble is your escape.

You ever been in a bubble? 

Like one of those fake "bubbles" and you crawl in and run around like a hamster in a round cage. Lol sound isn't as clear, depending on the color of the bubble you may not see outside the bubble. 

Imagine you're in a bubble..

You're trapped in the bubble, can't see where you're going, you're bound to stop. If the bubble is a solid color you can't see whats outside the bubble, so you have to rely on sound to get around. And everything that sound good isn't always good. You gotta be able to see what's going on, sound doesn't always match the visual.

Your bubble is a product of you. You determine if your bubble is clear enough to be alert on the outside but sound reduced so what's going on inside your bubble isn't too disturbed. You can't have the sound of the real world drown out your bubble conversations. You just gotta be aware, if your bubble solid.. You can adjust the volume from the outside when needed. If your bubble thin, everything getting through, how can you focus? Won't be long til that bubble pops.

All bubbles eventually pop or break. The amazing thing about bubbles is you can always blow another one. Enjoy your bubble while you're in it, and when it's time to get a new bubble.. Just make it better. Bubbles are needed to grow.. What we fill our bubbles with, determines whether we grow or slowly commit suicide if we fill our bubbles with poisonous vapor.

Poisonous thoughts and people, negative actions all consume our bubbles and darkens it, clouds our vision of everything. What could be, where you're going, how alert you are. You drown and feel stuck in your bubble and it consumes you to the point you can't move. Why would you want to go through that? Some people don't even realize that is exactly what's happening, they can't see what's going on and all they hear is chaos. Their bubble soon pop. 

[if a negative bubble is dark and cloudy.. How clear would a positive bubble be?]

A good bubble popping is a great reality check. Some times that's exactly what we need. A new bubble. But depending on how your bubble pops, determines if you can actually see why your bubble needed popping. You wasn't paying attention and needed a wake up call is usually the reason. Don't blame anyone else for your bubble popping, no one can pop your bubble.. And if you allow them to do so, they must've hit a sore spot. So good, good for you. You needed that. Toughen that up. It's really that simple. 

The world is a crazy place, so much going on.. Our bubble keeps us sane in a sense, some take it too far to the delusional extent, but I won't go there..  Just make sure your bubble is clear and focused, it's okay to get comfortable in your bubble just be aware of traffic.. Many will try to pop your bubble and blow you one with their vision .. Tell them to blow these. Lol (grow up, Cristina) your bubble gotta be blown by you. After all... You spend alot of time there. 

Bubbles. Lol 

VIII.

"Thats 8 in roman numeral?" — yeah. "Is that your favorite number?" —no, it's the day my uncle passed away" 

August 8, 2005 .. 

I remember it like it was yesterday. Horrible morning, horrible guilt I placed on myself, horrible pain I felt that I just recently let go. 

Ralph was my grandmas youngest brother, so technically he was my great uncle. He was a Vietnam war vet, sarcastic and wiser than any man I have yet to meet. I owe alot of who I am today because of him. He would come stay with us quite often. Making my siblings and I Mickey Mouse pancakes, putting us on punishment when we stepped out of line. But me and him had a special relationship.. He was really my mentor now that I look back on it. He introduced me to comedy, Richard Pryor (we would watch his movies and he'll school me on shit I didn't comprehend.) Columbo, murder she wrote, Law & Order.. Seinfeld was his favorite sitcom, we would watch TV land like that's the only channel we had. Mr. Ed, Sanford & son.. Wild cowboy movies, I can go on all day. We would crack jokes on my siblings and say its way over their heads when they missed the jokes. He used to loveeeee table talk apple pies 2/$1, rack up on those with some milk and devour it. Lol 

He would call me princess of darkness, I was a cold young bitch lol and niggerette.. I never took it personal, he was just as dark as I was.. In fact when I would tag along with him and roam the streets of manhattan people thought I was his daughter.. And I mean everybody knew him. Like even as a kid I was always surprised that we couldn't walk a block without someone stopping him. Apparently he was the man around those parts. He taught me plenty of things as a youth, I vividly remember the war stories and tales of his childhood and even adulthood. He was certainly very interesting. 

I don't remember when exactly he was diagnosed with testicular cancer.. He was horrible with informing us about his health.. "I'll be fine.. Don't worry" was his favorite line. I assumed he would be fine. The first time I realized its possible to lose him, I was staring at him in a hospital bed at the Veteran's hospital, they had to perform surgery, he looked so weak.. Those tubes disturbed me. But regular Ralph cracking jokes, cutting everybody ass.. Telling my grandma to bring him food. "The food here don't got shit on yours Tana".. I asked him, you gonna die? He looked me in the face, I ain't going nowhere. It made me feel better.. But it made me feel worse when I later realized he just said it to make me feel better. 

Three weeks later, he was at our house. It was very early in the morning.. My brother woke us up screaming, maaaaaa Ralph fell. He's not getting up!!! My mom hopped up, I heard heavy footsteps, I stood in the bed. I am not a morning person, if anything I was irritated because in my mind he was fine, he just fell. He's a grown man. (I resented myself for those thoughts for years to come) .. The ambulance was called, I'm sitting in the living room .. I didn't even go into the room he was in. I think now, I knew then it was over.. I just didn't want to see him like that. I wasn't strong enough. As they wheeled him out on the stretcher, I caught a glimpse of his face .. He was dead. There was no life in his eyes. I saw this but tears didn't fill mine. I was numb. (I would later break down to a friend, he didn't believe me when I told him.. I burst into tears, I didn't want to believe it either.) They claimed he was alive still, my mom encouraged me to go see him at hospital and I didn't go. For what? I hate hospitals.. Plus he was already dead to me. And if he wasn't, I'd know once he walked back through the door with a smile and his leather bookbag over his shoulder. A call around 3 am let me know it was official. I heard my grandma screaming cries once my mom told her. And it broke me in so many ways. I knew how much he meant to her, shit he meant alot to me but that was her baby brother. The death certificate says he died August 9.. But nobody can tell me he didn't die on the 8th. I saw death as it rolled out my house, taking my uncle with it.

The funeral came, it was crazy. So many family members that didn't give a shit about him was there .. Like where were you when he was in the hospital? Family members who dragged his name through the mud now showed face like they had some respect, why is it that people have all this respect to show when you're dead but alive they're disrespectful as hell? .. It was disgusting. The saddest part was his son's arrival, he had a son in DR that he never got to meet.. Their first encounter was at the funeral. Imagine that, not being able to meet your father until his funeral? The craziest part? His son was a spitting image of him. It was fucking creepy and heart wrecking at the same time.

I'm teary eyed writing this, I always think of how much more I could've learned from him, all the things I never got to ask him.. How I never got to thank him for everything he showed me. I had a dream with him once, I knew he was dead in the dream... "But Ralph you died" — I know "what's heaven like?" — it's cool, we need more chairs though, kinda crowded.. we laughed. And I woke up crying. 

Today makes 8 years since he left earth.. I can only hope he watches over me quite often, I feel he does. I know if he was alive today he would be proud of me.. I mean I wouldn't be who I am today  with out him. 

Continue to rest in peace Ralph, you're very much missed. <3

Shit real.

What else new? 

But it's just some things on my mind... 

I don't try to rush things, all in due time I remind myself but I can't deny that I'm curious as to where things are gonna go with certain situations/people. I just try to pay as close attention as I can to the signs.. I'm pretty good at that. It often shows that I do, people always seem to notice. 

Things are changing as always, and I just seem to be getting better thankfully. I'm almost ready. I feel it. These next two weeks I'm going to do everything in my power to make something I been dying to do, come true. I have all the pieces minus one or two, I just need to put them together. This project is very crucial to my master plan and the time is approaching. 

Speaking of approaching, people don't know how crucial the approach is in every human interaction. I noticed this, and am constantly reminded of this. Everybody doesn't react to things the same way you do. Everyone isn't going to like your approach. See me, watch how you approach me, depending on how you approach me determines how I treat you. Especially if you're approaching me inquiring about something. I'm very cautious on how I approach people because humans are easily offended. So easy to rub a stranger the wrong way if you act too familiar or too strange. I approach people based on how I read them. And in doing so it always works in my favor .. Pay a little attention, approach accordingly. 

Idk man, shit is real. 

And it's only getting realer. 

Understand.

Many don't. They only understand what they want to, what they're willing to accept. Anything outside of their comprehension level is just disregarded. Most don't even bother to wrap their minds around things they can't .. Excuse me, refuse to understand. 

Can't is a state of mind.

Comprehension is a dying trait.. It's not embedded enough. Such a shame since its key in communication. It all starts with reading and in the words of a good friend of mine, motherfuckers can't read. Sure you can read words, but do you read what they're saying, what they mean.. Many don't. They don't see past the print and in turn they lose out on the message. 

I've been reading since first grade, books and people. I was so ahead of my class I was helping other kids with their reading skills, I understand words and people very well. I've always had a high level of comprehension. 

Many don't realize that, due to my advanced level of understanding on just about any and everything is the reason I get along so well with people despite me being reserved and slightly antisocial (I'm getting better at that) I get it. Alot of things aren't hard to understand, we just complicate things by trying to add other variables that aren't relevant to the problem nor solution. I understand that. I understand that so well I help others remove these unnecessary variables and understand the equation at hand. Just cause you don't like the answer doesn't make it any less right. Just because you don't understand why, doesn't mean it's wrong. Remember that. 

I understand that many don't understand.. And they are more that don't understand then those that do. I get that. Too many closed minds, not enough open ones. Cool. But what I hate (I know hate is a strong word but I stand by my choice of word) is when my understanding ability is underestimated. 

Understand this; you can never assume what one is capable of understanding and failing to understand this is a big NO NO. (To me at least) to make that choice for me, like I'm inadequate to comprehend a situation is extremely insulting. To assume, only makes an Ass of you, not me. And in that same note, it turns me all the way off.. Idc who you are. Many don't understand that. They can't understand why I get so furious when I'm lied to, like I can't understand the truth. When my choice is made for me, like I can't understand my options. Like I don't know what's best for me. 

I do understand this, many who make these choices and create these lies in fear of being misunderstood are selfish. They understand the downside to the choices and the truth.. And they won't take the chance to have you pick what they fear most.. Which is funny because in my opinion.. That fear, those actions following that fear are the reason many leave.. The main reason I leave, obviously you're in this for yourself.. You're making decisions for me and not realizing that your lack of understanding me is hurting you more than anything. 

I was at this bar the other night, and I was talking to this guy.. He was cool, nice conversation, life, relationships etc..he stopped me and said .. You really the truth, many don't realize that in relationships, understanding is just as important as everything else. And it's funny cause I just assumed that was normal, I assumed everyone understood that. And they don't. And to hear him say that, made me realize that's the problem with not only relationships.. But life in general. Most altercations and fall outs are through misunderstandings.. So how can this be avoided? I mean shouldn't that be our concern? To gain understanding through life and expanding our understanding tank? I sure think so. 

But lets be real for a second, most misunderstandings stem from miscommunication.. Because we assume the other doesn't "get it"/understand alot of things are left unsaid. In fear of getting our emotions misunderstood, we choose silence. Leaving the other to come to an understanding of their own. Usually very deluded and vague due to original confusion mixed with silence which we associate with not caring more often than not. And I mean, can you blame them? Often, we don't do our part in providing clarity.. Which is key in understanding. Hard to confuse anything when it's provided in its clearest form. But sometimes, things aren't even as clear to us, so how can we truly provide clarity? We're confused our damn selves. I understand. It's hard sometimes. 

But the effort in trying to understand and the effort in trying to be understood is more than enough. I say that, once effort is being shown, effort from the other side is put forth. It all depends on how bad do you want to understand or be understood. 

Once you understand that, there's not many things you won't understand. 

Shit real.

I just wanna be successful like the song says.. 

The game needs change and I'm the motherfucking cashier. — And I've done my calculations and I know exactly how much change it needs. 

Cause I'm the one to paint a vivid picture no HD.. Yeah, I want it all, That's why I strive for it. Diss me and you'll never hear a reply for it, Any awards show or party I'll get fly for it, I know what's coming I just hope I'm alive for it.

He be knowing. He really do. And it relates so much more with each listen.. Time is evident of that message. And I read it like like a contract with my name on it. I know what's coming to me.. I'm just preparing myself for what I can and as I progress I'll be able to prepare even more .. 

Shit is real though. As always, and things are definitely on the up.. Or I just refuse to look down.. But I'm rising, I feel it. I just act accordingly. 

And life change for me every single week,

So it's good, but I know this ain't the peak though. 

Shit real though.

One.

We're all looking for the one. 

What for, it varies. 

In search of the One, isn't really much of a search for me.. I feel he'll find me when needed, and if he has found me.. He'll step up when needed. I just keep my eyes, ears and soul open. I feel I come across the one for the night, the one for some time.. The one who teaches me a lesson, and the one who is everything but a blessing. I don't sweat it. I don't belittle those "one" they serve their purpose as needed.

I thought I found the one. The actual, One. The one who when pressed up against me we became one instead of two, as the other ones have created in the past. I don't want to be two. I want to be one.

See I'm not looking for a partner. I'm looking for my reflection. The one who when I look up at him he's me in the flesh, our souls connecting making us one.. The reflection in him makes me better which in turn makes him better simultaneously. I love Mirrors by Justin Timberlake so much, he truly knows the essence of 'the one'. That song says it all.

Back to the one though, how do you know when you've found the one? For me, I feel like the connection is well rounded: mental, sexual, spiritual. The one for me is one who I can be me and more. I feel connected and in tuned with his emotions, thoughts.. His touch sparks a fire through out my body that he's the only one who can put it out, and started it up again. I've felt it before. But what determines if he's really the one.. Is how long that feeling lasts.. Like I said some are the one for the night, or some time. It varies. Some aren't the one at all.. They aren't a factor. I don't even bother with those. Once you know yourself, you know who's definitely not the one off first meeting alone.

The recent one I thought was the one.. Let me be completely honest, I still think he might be the one.. But our timing must be wrong if he is, and if he isn't. Time will show me that. I held his hand.. For a long time. And my palms were not sweaty. They were dry as hell. I didn't even realize, one, we were holding hands that long and two, that my palms were fucking dry. I have alot of moisture in my body lol so my palms sweat at the randomest (don't care if that's not a word) times and I hate holding hands because of this. But I let him hold mine. And it threw me for a loop... I already had a nagging suspicion that he could greatly be the one to complete me, and then he pulls this shit on me. Lol I was a little open, confused.. But open. And then a series of events shortly after, confused the shit out of me and closed me up.

I'm far from bitter, I don't let the actions of men turn me off from searching for my one. I don't feel the need to scream all men ain't shit, I don't ever feel the need to "switch teams" my one is out there in the flesh of a man. A real man. And I'm patient enough in this aspect of my life because you can't rush that.. I certainly won't force that. As I become better and greater than I was the day before I know my one is on the same journey.. And our paths will continue to cross (if they haven't already, will cross) when the time is right. And when that day comes, I'll be more than ready to give myself to him as he will to me, and become the one we're meant to be. 

In the meantime.. I'll deal with the ones for some time.. The ones who come into my life, to fill whatever needs I have that they feel they can fulfill. But I'm the one that only deals with one. I'm the one who has no problem cutting off one to begin something with someone else. Because I'm the one looking for one, not two, not three, nothing of that multiple nature.

It's funny though, I deal with one at a time, but I know how to refrain from giving my all to that one if I'm not sure if that one is the actual one. Not everyone is understanding of that. Some don't understand that what I need more often than not isn't in form of a "serious relationship" (too much pressure put on that) but just a serious companion with flexibility. And it seems so hard to find, probably because most assume they know what you want based on what everyone else wants, and that's why I haven't found the one or the one hasn't figu(red) out I'm truly the one for him.. Yet.

Hmm.. 

Time.

Time reveals all, no? But I don't got the time to wait ..  I don't have much of a choice.. So in the mean time I have to make the most of my time, spend it wisely and be aware of my time. 

There's earth time - 24 hours in a day.

There's our time - our lifetime. 

See, some things go by earth time.. The world revolves around earth time, different time zones.. But time nonetheless. You gotta be at work by this time, you take a break at another time, you clock out at your designated time. You have an appt. by this time, you have an order being shipped by this date at this time. You have a date for this time, you have to make a call at that time.. and so on. Time is just something we humans created to ease our hypertension anxiety of infinity, forever is a long time .. Forever has no time. Forever doesn't exist .. Time doesn't exist. 

In our lifetime, there's things we won't ever fully understand until its meant for us to get it.. We have to let time run its course. As bad as we want an answer to a question about a person or a situation, we have to wait. We can't force it. We can't try to make our own understanding of it because we're not fully equipped with everything needed to make that conclusion .. The biggest factor, time .. Takes its time in revealing everything when needed. I don't mean 24 hour time, I mean life time. 

Because life doesn't run on a clock. Life doesn't have a curfew when to show up with everything you need. Life takes its time and sometimes that bitch is molasses slow. She's funny like that, forcing us to practice patience and constantly reminding us we don't have to rush, all in due time. Yet we as humans feel the need to rush and scramble to try to make sense of everything as we go along. And as bad as we want to make sense of everything. Life doesn't make sense.. Until we're done. Hindsight is 20/20, everything is clearer in the rear view. As we're speeding through life on man made time we are so confused and our vision is blur(red) .. With emotions, and half finished puzzles .. Scrambling to figure out the messages before time is up. But in reality, time is only up when you die.. Or when you decide that enough of your time has been spent on a particular situation or person .. But even then, life has a way of completing puzzles for us despite us walking away from it. 

Take movies and books for example.. The ending sums up the entire story.. By the end, there's clarity.. There's the light at the end of the tunnel. Only at the end is this revealed. The end of the story. We all have stories with a variety of things and people, you may have stopped reading them but doesn't mean the story is over.. You just got frustrated with confusion and let it go. Maybe you felt too much time was spent and not enough clarity for your liking.. Perfectly understandable. 

But let me tell you this, life will finish that story for you.. Because life has its own time that may not be as fast as your speed but life will catch up and show you what you were missing, show you what you couldn't see back then. And then, you're able to finish that story.. Close that book. And continue with your life.. And most times when life shows you what time it's on, you tend to slow down ... No need to rush when you know life is moving. 

And trust I know it's so hard to be patient, me and patience go at it almost every day but I keep cool.. I know she means best, my anxious nature makes it hard.. But I'm learning as time goes on. But time will reveal everything, time goes on.. And the end is when you die. Keep that in mind and you'll move differently. 

Now that's not an excuse to slack off and lose your sense of urgency, because  in this sense.. Time is out of your control. But with things that you have control of, the timing included with that control.. you must act on it and seize the opportunity. But have no fear.. Life got you.

Your life will reveal in its own time every purpose of every situation and person that enters and exits your life. It's always a reason, it's always a lesson. Always a blessing, even if its in a disguise that makes you sad or want to cry. It's life.

Patience is all that's needed with life time. And in your lifetime patience will definitely benefit you more than it will hurt you. In the mean time, use your time wisely and efficiently.. And with time that's not in your control, just make your wait useful and productive so you don't realize how long you have to wait. Life time doesn't have a clock you can stare at... So the wait feels like an eternity. 

Just be patient.

Shit real.

And it keeps getting realer. 

I just go with the flow.. I don't try to go against the current .. Just floating to my destination. 

I've learned and almost maste(red) how to let things go mentally .. Physically walking away from a person or situation is easy.. Walking away mentally, not so much. Especially for someone like me, who spends alot of time analyzing and decoding shit. But I'm getting better.. Because after all, it's MIND OVER MATTER. 

A lot of shit doesn't matter, and I refuse to pay it any mind. Even the things and people that once matte(red), I don't mind them once they don't matter any more. If you're not with me, you're against me. And those against me, will never prosper against me. Nor do they matter. Remind myself of that constantly. 

People want to be relevant, but only you can make them that way. That's why focusing on you and the realization of your goals and plans eliminates all that shit. People tend to feel a way when they realize they don't matter to you any more, but in reality they make it that way.

I only put as much effort into any situation or relationship as I see being put towards me. 50/50 is my game. Anything less is bullshit. I don't have time for leeches or crabs, I'm just working my way out this bucket. And if I have to drop people or leave situations behind me in the process, so be it. I refuse to let anything, any one slow up my progress. 

Shit is real. 

I'm excited, anxious.. So many different things are blossoming into something so beautiful, I'm just watering them and nurturing it like I would a garden. 

Time reveals all. 

Want.

I want it all. Half was never the agreement. 

Me? I want everything .. It won't take me long. 

I know what I want out of life, I know what I want for myself, I know what and who I want to be surrounded with.

Want - verb [ desire to possess or do (something) ]  

Want is a desire .. Some desires are stronger than others. When you want to do something, depending on how bad you want to do.. You get it done. If you want a pair of shoes bad enough you will do everything in your power to obtain them.. If you want to be a doctor, you study your ass off, skip plenty of sleep and earn all types of grants and scholarships for medical school. If you want a sandwich you take your ass in that kitchen to make the sandwich and if you're lacking anything for the sandwich; your hungry ass is gonna go to the store to get whatever's missing, or the nearest deli for a sandwich because you're hungry and you just gotta have a sandwich. 

It's a want. 

Regardless of what the want is. If you want it bad enough you're gonna go get it. If you don't, you didn't want it that bad. Be honest. You don't have to want the same things as bad as the next person. Our wants varies. But be true to yourself. Figure out what you really want, in allllll aspects. Like every single aspect of your life. And once you do that, go get it. What the fuck would you be waiting for? The hardest part is figuring out what it is that you want.. 

You think obtaining it is hard? You don't want it that bad.. You want something so bad when obtaining it is your only concern. You're not concerned with the difficulty of obtaining that want, because all you want is that want and nothing is gonna stop you. No mountain, obstacle or hurdle gonna slow you down. You want it, you gonna go get it. How bad do you want it? Huh? How bad? 

Bad enough to make it yours? 

That applies with people as well, persistence applied to a person is almost always successful.. I know plenty of men (for example) who were on their spouse until she "gave in". He wanted her, and stopped at nothing to get her.. It happens all the time. Especially with men. They want a female, they will move mountains to get her.. If they want her that bad. If he doesn't.. He walks around her and over to the one who truly caught his eye. That desire .. That want is so strong, it won't leave until its satisfied. 

Alot of men say they want me, but very few show me they want me .. So the ones that don't show that they want me, never get me. I don't think they want me that bad.. If they did, the effort would show. 

People say they want a lot of things, they may say they want others .. But their actions in pursuit of that want or lack thereof, shows how intense that want was in the first place.. If they never get it, they didn't want it that bad. It was a front, they thought they wanted it.. But they didn't. If they get it, they truly wanted it. Especially with the more complex wants. It's life. 

Pay attention.

I want it all.. And I know I will get ALL of it, I just organize my wants in order from greatest desire to least and just knock them down as I go along. I'm always gonna do what I want to do, I'm always gonna go after what I want.. Even if its out of reach, I'm not above going the extra mile to fulfill a desire. I want it that bad. I'll get mines. Will you get yours? Do you even know what's yours? What (who) you want to be yours? If you know and haven't got it, go get it. By any means..

Ain't that what you want? 

Saint&Sinner.

We're all sinners .. Alot of us play like we're saints. Some of us are pure.. Those sins didn't stain. But I'm both. 

I'm both a saint and a sinner. 

I could never stop sinning, because quite frankly.. What I don't consider a sin, maybe alot of others do. My sins are mine to live with, so I ask not forgiveness (Shirley). I'm rebellious, and some of my actions may get frowned upon but the sinner in me doesn't give a flying fuck. We're gonna do what we want. And who doesn't like it, it's their problem. Not mine. I never throw stones, I just get stoned.   

I'm a saint in the sense, my intentions are pure.. They're not tainted by my sins or wrong doings life may have put me through.. I still believe in the good of things and people. I do things without my hand out waiting for a return, I genuinely want to see people prosper.. My heart is still intact, pure, whole and pumping vigorously. My purity is the perfect balance for my sinful ways.

I'm not the purest, I'm not the dirtiest. I wash my hands every now and then, but I don't mind getting my hands dirty. Sometimes, you gotta get dirty to get shit done. The balance is knowing when to get clean, and when to get down and dirty. It may not work for everyone but it works for me. I've seen the cleanest and the dirtiest souls and I know where they fault and where they prosper.. I know my soul and I'm honest enough to know I'm in between. Right on the borderline. Sometimes I lean towards one side more than the other, but I never leave that border line. It's a balance. 

Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future.. When you're both you acknowledge your past, look forward to the future and aware of the present. 

Best of both worlds if you ask me. 

Car.

I had a dream a while back, I was driving a car, I was moving fast but my steering wheel was kinda jammed, I really had to use force to turn it and my seat was so uncomfortable, I was going straight ahead so I kept trying to adjust my seat but still not lose grip on the steering wheel itself, because as soon as i would let go of it, it became looser than octomom post labor. And I think the road was rocky... Needless to say it was very uncomfortable.

So when I awoke, I laid there recapping the dream and started my analysis.. I need about an hour of silence in the morning. I don't care who's around. I don't want to talk. I just woke up, I need to think, remember and analyze. Dreams life. Everything. Anyway.. I thought of what the dream was trying to tell me. This is what I got. 

My life is my car, I'm not comfortable in my seat; I'm not comfortable with my position in life. The steering wheel is tight and hard to turn when I hold on, but as soon as I let go its loose; I'm afraid if I let go of the wheel (control of my life) I'll lose complete control. But I was holding on too tight.. Cause the road was rocky; the path I'm on isn't smooth and I fear I may lose control if I don't keep a tight grip. Okay cool. I thought about my life more in depth that morning, that dream provided clarity in a weird way.. 

The car analogy was genius.

I love cars. I want to own 7. One for everyday of the week. Idc if that's unpractical to anyone.. It's not your money I'll be spending. Cars are beautiful  I love the exterior as much as the interior. I'm the friend that has to explain to my friends how to spot cars.. They just think they're pretty.. I know how to spot em. I observe and feel out the interior of any car I sit in, I adjust the seat every time. 

The feeling of watching how smooth a car rides is a different feeling from being in the car.. Your admiration is caused by the fact you're watching it move from close to far or from afar coming towards you.. Your enjoyment of the moment as you're speeding past time when you're in that driver, passenger seat, shit even from the back seat depending on the passengers with you. That's life. But you will never get to see yourself ride .. You will always see yourself driving, or enjoying your ride if you choose to allow someone else to drive your life car. So whenever people tell you about yourself, they're telling you the ride.. How smooth or unstable your driving is, how you glide, or speed past life is seen by those who aren't in the car with you. Even if you're not driving, it's your car. From afar you can't identity the driver nor the passengers. 

Be careful you let in your car, and be extra careful with who you let drive if you choose not to drive for yourself, sometimes we need a break.. We can either pull over and rest or let someone take the wheel for a bit.. You should be able to actually rest if you're not at the wheel.. if you can't rest, you have the wrong driver. If you can't trust that who you chose to drive your car while you rest on your trip won't crash your car.. pull over. Kick them out. Or put them in the back seat. 

That's what the backseat is for .. pure enjoyment of the drive. The driver is in control and the passenger is there assisting by staying alert, playing with the radio and just keeping the driver company.. until you switch to allow the driver to rest. after all you're in their car. You can't let someone drive your car for too long though, they'll begin to think its theirs. Who you allow in your car is very crucial. As I stated above, the people outside the car no matter what you think of your drive.. Will never know your drive from the inside. Only how smooth you ride down this road of life. So who you're riding with at some point will have to ride for you. Can they do it? Can you trust any of the passengers (no kids included in this analysis) to drive your car if you become ti(red) or sick or unstable that you can't drive, because you can't stop. Someone has to take over. And depending on where on the road of life you're on.. You'll have nobody but your passengers. Can you trust them? If not. Drop them where they need to be and keep it moving. There's no free rides and you can't allow anyone to drive your life into a brick wall. 

You also can't allow people to tell you how to drive. You know where you're going, you know the speed you need to be steady at so you can make it to your destination in one piece. Everyone has their own car, different body, motors, interior, exterior, etc. You have to drive your car accordingly. You can't expect a Volvo to hit Bugatti speed. You gotta get a good grip of your car, once you build it. You can always obtain a new car when you're ready, either way you have to drive it accordingly. I can't stress that enough. The reason we have a car is because we're going somewhere and we have to get there, by any means.. We have to reach our destination.. If you crash your car or allow someone to crash it for you, you either die in the crash or spend a tremendous amount of time trying to get back on the road .. You must avoid crashes at all cost. If the crash doesn't kill you, it delays you. Either way you're fucked. You don't want to be fucked that way, I'm sure of it. 

Avoiding crashes is very easy if you know how to drive and know where you're going, people think they know how to drive, but they learned how to drive by watching other people drive, never really driving themselves until its time to go; so they keep looking over at other cars and how they move and when they can get a glimpse of how the driver on their left side drives they imitate it. Often end up crashing because instead of the road, their eyes were focused on the next car. 

* Granted, sometimes you get hit by other drivers, but the impact of the other car is determined by how you were moving. You might get into a few accidents on the road of life, but how you bounce back from that will be ultimately on you, even if the accident wasn't your fault.

Keep your eyes on the road, aware of the signs ahead and ensure that your trust is well rested on the passengers with you. Never let anyone borrow your car. You should be in your car at all times. Always aware of where you're at and where you're going even if you doze off for a few. You're still on that ride. After all it's your ride. Your life.

I don't mind being in the back seat, of others cars.. Unless I feel I'm better in the passenger seat, I'd never steer you wrong, I'll be alert and aware of signs you may miss and my music taste is amazing of course. Lol I don't always feel the need to sit up front but where I see fit, I'll sit up front. Especially if its empty or your passenger isn't as valuable so you move me up front. I'll never ask to sit up front if you don't want me there and the seat is filled. I don't tell people how to arrange seats in their car. You know your role in one's life by how they seat you in their car, the passenger seat the best seat besides the driver. You share the same view, you're both of help to get to the destination. The back seat isn't bad because you're still in the car, but your view a little different. Your role is good company and if needed, assistance to drive. If the driver of a car I'm in or any of the passengers rub me the wrong way at anytime I'll get out. I don't have to be here, I'm here for the ride.. A ride I'm asked to be apart of or we just happened to be heading to the same place, down the same road. But at any moment it can change, I have my own car.. My own passengers to attend to as well. I won't take the ride if I know I'm not wanted, if I know I'm not trusted to take the wheel, if I know I don't want to take the wheel. I won't be uncomfortable on any ride, in any seat. I'll always try to get comfortable. If not, I get a new car or I get out depending if I'm the driver or the passenger in the scenario. 

I will always drive my own car. I trust my passengers, but I like to be in control of everything pertaining to me.. My car is most definitely one of them. Even when I'm resting I feel I can't completely rest until I get to my destination, I have a few .. I can rest when I get there before I head to the other destinations on the list. But I am learning how not to grip so tightly, I'm learning how to truly keep calm and find a balance. Focused but at ease. I appear that way on the outside, I get complimented on my drive all the time. But inside I'm chaotic. I'm tryna find the balance while maintaining my speed and smooth turns when I hit corners. I make it look easy, apparently. But I got this ..

 I'm learning through driving, I'm getting better and quicker every day. Can't ask someone to drive because I'm sca(red) of the hills ahead.. Only when I truly need to, I mean trulyyyyy need will I ask someone to drive. And that'll be just to recharge and get back to the mission. But trust, anyone I allow to drive won't crash because they value my life as much as theirs .. They wouldn't even be in my car, I don't need gas money, my car doesn't need much gas. Hybrid baby ;) Lol I just need to know you down for the ride.. Not dying to ride. Certain places we may pass, Sticking your head out the sun roof, screaming at the top of your lungs. No. You're really here for the ride. If my car break down you can help fix a flat.. If my vision gets blurry and I miss a sign, you caught it. I doze off, you willing and ready to take over cause you know where we're going and you know stopping not apart of the plan. 

The ride is really all we have, once we get to our destination, it's over. We spend more time traveling to it than we do actually there, depending on where you're going and how long you plan to be there. You have to make your ride enjoyable.. You have to be in good company. You have to make it to your destination, if not the ride was a waste of time. 

We don't waste time over here. You might put the pedal to the metal when you get excited about your destination but remember to know when to slow it down, and pick up speed again.. And whatever you do, don't put your car in park until you're in the parking lot of your destination.

Cues The Ride by Drake feat. The weeknd.