Poetry is...

Ima day late but I like this question. 

Poetry is musical words, no beat requi(red) its a string of words that belong together and some how attaches its way to your heart. Those words touch your soul, poetry makes you feel, poetry send chills, poetry is real.

I like writing poetry. It comes rather natural to me. I just ramble, somehow the words rhyme and the words come alive.. It's an escape for me, it helps me capture moments I couldn't catch with a camera. It reminds me of what I feel, why I feel.. Shit be real. Poetry is a past time for me, I've recently decided to take it more serious. Since it comes naturally, it was only right I became more serious about the possibilities poetry can bring. 

My mind isn't an average one, I know this because I've thoroughly thought out everything I can do with my poetry, and it hasn't been done yet.. Or atleast not like how I'm going to do it. It's funny because poetry gives life. And it certainly gives me life every day. 

I write all kinds of poetry but I'm more expressive with my lust filled poems than anything else. For good reason too.

Day 15.

15. When I turn 30, I hope that if a Bugatti not sitting in my driveway.. I will be purchasing one. Or if by some weird twisted fate I can't, as I've mentioned, I'll kill myself. I'm not joking. 

Like I said before I don't value money I value what I can obtain. And if I can't obtain my dream sportscar by 30 I'm a failure. Why would I put all of my worth in a sportscar? Its deeper than a sportscar. To buy that Sports car means I have everything I need and even more of what I want, I have no worries and money is the least of my issues. It's also the fact that present day at 22 I have triple the knowledge for someone my age. Twice the ambition and realistically maybe just one shot to get it all. 

8 years til I'm 30. 

If in 8 years I'm not in the position I planned for myself, ima failure that doesn't deserve to live. All these years of planning and making moves and I haven't reached my goal for 30? You're fucking kidding me. But I have very little doubt that'll happen because I'm more determined than delusional of my plans for world domination. [inserts evil laugh here]

By 30 I would hope to already have given birth to not only my empire but a kid or two with the man who I'm meant to be with. Sounds good no? I want to be freeeee of all worries and if I wanna board my private jet and fly to brazil for a day or two, I can do that. That's all I ever want. I want to do whatever I want, whenever, however. As long as its in my power of control.. It'll happen. 30 isn't old to me. But it's certainly a checkpoint. Because at that point in your life, you better have one. And be in full control. It breaks my heart but brings me joy at the same time when 30+yr old people just now begin to live their lives. It's like great, I'm glad you're with the program, but wtf took you so long.

You spend most your life finding yourself and your niches.. Granted everyone's personal development varies because time doesn't exist, only when one is ready will it be the time for them. 

But I know myself, I know my niches and am further discovering into them deeper and deeper everyday. So if I, at 22 has figu(red) out who I truly am, what I'm truly capable of (at the moment, in the past.. The future is created) why would I not reach my goals at 30? Nothing can stop me. Hold me up maybe, but even then.. When I'm released from that hold up.. My speed and resilience will make up for that. 

I wonder where I'll be at 30, who I'm with, what I'll be doing. Where my mind frame will be at that age .. It's scary. Good. But scary. 

Will I even make it to see 30? 

You just never know. 

Day 14.

14. writing is...

Writing is freedom. Writing is everything I could never say and wanna say. Writing is therapy. It's the blood of emotion. It hurts. It feels good. It gets your blood rushing depending on your topic. It's the string of thoughts in order of appearance. It's amazing. It's horrible. It's hurtful. It's real. Writing is communication. Explanations. Understanding. Confusion. Clarity. Everything. 

Writing just is ... Beautiful.

Shit real. [ Day 10, 11, 12 ]

I've been thinking and meditating and making moves. This week is crucial. But I don't want to forget the challenge I'm enjoying these questions. So for the days I missed .. [i decided to speak on commitment at a later time.] 

10. It takes 30 days to break a habit, what's your bad habit? 

My bad habits are breaking slowly but surely, old habits die hard.. But I'm working on it, I won't say all my bad habits.. Because bad is subjective. But because I'm aware of these bad habits, I try not to make it a habit. Once I acknowledge it I cut it out. Lol being aware of you and how you move is very key. When you know your bad as well as your good, and work towards bettering your bad while embracing your good is a beautiful feeling. It's all about balance. 

11. Name a song or lyric that sums up your love life. 

Montreal _ The Weeknd .. Beginning to end. 

12. When I have writers block.. 

Which is super rare, it means I'm trying too hard so I stop. I like to write, I don't like it to be forced, rehearsed or anything like that. I can write about anything and everything in a paragraph or an essay length ramble it varies. But I never felt blocked, maybe because I rarely know what I'm gonna write until I pick up a pen or sit at a keyboard. 

And my head keeps spinning giving me all these visions on different ways to view situations and characters of life.. Luckily I know how to articulate myself for the most part where I can actually make some sorta of sense to those who aren't up here with me and my mind. Lol 

  

Day 9.

9. So far summer has been ...

Very educational to say the least ..

But fun for the most part. 

When the heat turn up, the extra layers just fall off ..... 

You see what and who real.

Day 7.

7. That time you hit the snooze button too many times... 

I hate to be late. Doesn't mean I'm never late.. Better late than never, never late is better right? There's been plenty of times I hit snooze on alarms on life and on my phone... Never does me any good. I just prolong it. Which is more annoying than anything. 

The reason I press snooze is never good enough to make up for my procrastination if anything it just pushes me back... Those extra "5 minutes" of rest are never worth it. They end up costing me "20 minutes"... So I stopped pressing snooze. I set the alarms ahead of time now.. More like a reminder to start waking up, and no I don't press snooze.. When it's time it's time. I don't need any extra sleep, I've been sleeping for far too long.. In more than one sense. 

I have to be fully awake. Even if I doze off, once that alarm rings.. Instead of pressing snooze... I just go.

Day 6.

6. I spent my first paycheck on...

Honestly, I don't remember probably blew it in Victoria's Secret's pink section I was kinda obsessed with it when I was 17 .. I remember working at McDonald's my first job, so cliche right? Lol 

Anywho, thinking about this question made me think about all the paychecks I've received since then, and I clearly don't value money. I mean I value what I can obtain with it but the actual dollar? No. I spend it like I got a money machine at home. I buy whatever I want if I can afford it. I mean money is meant to be spent right? I'm trying to learn how to save but lord knows.... 

I've accumulated alot of money throughout my 4 years of working (various occupations, various wages) and if I would've saved it.. I would be balllingggg. Lmao nah not really but I could do a couple things with the money that would benefit me way more than all the material things I purchased with it.

As I get older, I'm becoming more wiser with my money.. I'm not as careless as I once was. I mean I still don't value it as much as people tell me I should.. I still suck at saving but I'm getting better. I try to make my paychecks count for something... So I don't get left with nothing. 

Day 5.

5. That awkward moment you outgrow your childhood best friend. 

I'm not one to have many friends, associates, yes. Friends no. I'm very private about my life and only a select few I allow in. And once you're in. You're in. If you out. There's no coming back. 

In 5th grade I met a girl who would become my best friend .. Sister even. Laverne to my Shirley. We would go to  each others house, pick each other up to go to school we were in the same classes in middle school.. Even in high school when we went to different schools, we still were close, closer even .. Everywhere I was, she was and vice versa. It was very rare you would see one without the other. We would rarely argue, our most heated disputes would be a difference in opinion on some topic, but nothing crazy. 

Then I went to college. I was excited, she seemed excited for me. She stood in the city while I embarked on a new journey. Now for those of you who never been away at college, time is different. College time seems like a lifetime. In my first two weeks alone I felt like I was there for two months. So in my two years away I've learned so much about myself and others .. My friends back home didn't visit me often while I was at school. Once or twice. But I understood, they had their own lives and jobs to tend to. We still kept in contact thanks to technology. Fast forward to when I came home.

My roommates earned a special place in my heart, I love those girls. We went through alot good and bad in our time at school, we lived together.. We grew extremely close. As a matter of fact, we're still very close. Anyway, I'm back home catching up getting readjusted to the city life, me and my bestfriend were still at it. I would include her in any activities with my "school friends" (as she would call them later on, which would annoy me) most times she would be down for the fun or not. I started noticing that the more I would try to include her she would exclude herself. She started finding reasons not to like them.. Okay cool. Here's where shit got real. 

We were at a friends house, and we were having a conversation.. And her comment on the topic threw me off. I looked at her like, what? It was what she said and how she said it, I knew I was in denial about this friendship. I knew we wouldn't be friends for long after that comment. It was just so negative and ignorant. And I looked at her wondering if she was always this negative. And she was. I never noticed because I swore I was positive enough for the both of us, she was more half empty, I was more half full. I thought as we got older she would become more positive. But she didn't. She actually got worse. Her attitude was disgusting. Everything was wrong, everyone always doing funny shit in her eyes.. Every fucking thing was a problem. And it became annoying. She had a temper as well. And soon she started lashing out at me, we began getting into more arguments about petty shit. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't that I was changing, we were getting older and there's so much more to see than just the hood. But she was so closed minded she couldn't grasp that. She started blaming my "school friends" for my behavior and the reason our friendship was on the rocks. When in reality, they had nothing to do with it. Everything I wanted to do, she was more than welcomed.. But her insecurities never allowed her to just come.. Her insecurities within herself made her delusional to the fact that I wanted to expand my horizons and have her there with me. But I was doing funny shit in her eyes. And I realized how selfish she was, everything was about her. I realized how jealous she was, jealous of me having other friends besides her. (In 9th grade we had a similar scenario when I befriended another best friend, who is still very much my friend today) her selfishness was the ultimate decision as to why I decided to end the friendship. 

For her birthday, I contacted an associate of mine who promotes at clubs.. He got me, her and our friend in at a strip club, VIP the works. This was her first time at the strip club she been wanting to go, she was my best friend.. Lets make it happen. We were having fun for the most part but at the end, shit got real. And all her concern was to make it home to her boyfriend. Disregard the fact I was extremely upset and she knew why, but did that phase her? Nope. Okay cool. I was pretty down and stressed that week. All her concern was, her. She didn't care about me or my problems. And it baffled me because I was always the first one to help her solve hers, I was the one she would come to when she needed to vent or advice. We got into our final argument (where I expressed how I didn't want parts of this friendship anymore) and she was furious, her true colors showed. She was cursing, threatening me talking all kinds of shit. Now this didn't phase me because I knew her better than she knew me. I knew she was hurt and this was her outlet. I knew she didn't know me as well as she thought, the moment she thought I was doing funny shit. I NEVER do funny shit to those I call my friends. Never did, never will. Here's my thing, she never wanted to talk about what was bothering her, she would avoid it. Act like its nothing but the minute I decided to end this friendship, half the truth came out. And only because she was angry. Clearly I made the right decision. I'm one to vocalize my concerns or troubles especially with friends, I expect the same from them. None of us are mind readers.

Thanks to social networks, I was proven that I was indeed right about ending our friendship. See, we probably could've overcame our differences and maybe have been friends again .. But now, nope. She was pregnant, she took it upon herself to take it to Instagram (she blocked me but we have mutual friends) to bash me. She painted this picture to people that we weren't friends because she was pregnant. -_- yeah, because your pregnancy is such a burden in my life I can't be bothe(red) with you. Lmaooo mad fucking petty. It didn't stop there, she would throw shots and subs about me, and when people asked her why we wasn't friends anymore or what happened, she made me out to be a bitch. And that's not a friend. Til this day I never speak ill of her, when I'm asked why we aren't friends I say, people grow apart or some stupid generic line about people growing apart so they can leave me alone. But for her to portray me in such a way that would have people looking at me funny was wrong. You don't do that to someone who you called a best friend, a sister.. And she wasn't worthy of a friend like me, I never throw anything I do for my friends back in their face. Shit I don't even bring it up. So for her to disregard every thing I've done every time I've been there when she needed me irritated the shit out of me, it shows she took me for granted. Wasn't appreciative of the friend she had in me. And If I'm such a bitch, if I'm so fucking selfish we don't need to be friends right? Right. 

Recently, I've been contacted through several friends on how they see her posting things about me and how she miss our friendship and she wish she could go back to the old days blah blah blah. Oooooh! I'm no longer a selfish bitch? I thought I wasn't shit? Lmao what happened? I called it though. I knew she would want to be friends again but her actions after we had our falling out is the reason I won't let her back in. A mutual friend to both of us hit me a few months ago asking if she could give her my number, just to clear the air because her delusion and my reality of the situation between us needed clarity, I chose to be the bigger person, despite me being fine with the circumstances, I definitely didn't need closure. But I told her it was fine.. She could give her my number. She has yet to call. And I know why, because in contacting me she would have to admit alot of things about herself that she may not be ready to admit. And that's fine. Whatever. I just know, I don't miss the friendship. The memories are fond and still close to my heart, I will always wish her well in all aspects and I pray she becomes a better person. But as far as us being friends? I just don't see it. 

It sucks because we were really good friends but sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles. 

Day 4.

4. I love/hate twitter because .....

I have this weird relationship with twitter. I love twitter. I hate twitter. I'll never leave twitter. No seriously, I'll probably never delete my account. I joined back in '09 a little before it changed and the beginning of what it has become was slowly brewing. Twitter today, is a social circus for the most part. Mainly because the world has caught on to how powerful twitter is. But there's ways to filter it. So it's fine I suppose. 

I love twitter because.... I can tweet whatever I want and it has become a thought catalog for my randomness and thoughts that never holds much value until I forget about them and someone RTs it from their favorites and I'm like oh shit, I said that? I was on to something. I love my followers, I follow some very comical, interesting, thought provoking individuals. I'm always laughing or thinking further in depth after glancing at my timeline. I love the connections twitter has made possible. I love how far a tweet can go, I love seeing conversations and relationships form between my followers that happen to follow each other as well. The promotional aspect of twitter that most use to further push their crafts in a non annoying factor. (Ill explain the annoying factors in a few) I love the dots that twitter connects. Through a simple RT, a mention, a follow, a DM so much positivity has come from it. I have a tendency to ignore calls and texts, when I'm on twitter. Its not that twitter is more important, its just I gotta get these tweets off and texting and talking just interrupts me. Being that I've been on twitter for a long time and I never really abandoned it and returned like alot of people I know.. I've been very observing of how it has evolved since I first logged on. Alot of people have use twitter as their platform and have been very successful since. Alot of people have found themselves on twitter, some created themselves .. Not always for the better. But those who have become better and it's documented  through twitter are good in my book. They're proof that people can change and that it takes time. Shit is real.

*disclaimer: the following things I hate about twitter I rarely deal with because I've filte(red) my timeline, got rid of all the bullshit but, thanks to the power of a RT.. Sometimes the bullshit slips right on to my timeline.* 

I hate twitter because... 

People who are attention seekers use this social network to gain as much attention as possible. It's annoying. They tweet about anything for the sole purpose of being RT'd or mentioned... Women do it in hopes of getting chose, men do it for the love of the hoes. Tweeting for reactions instead of just getting these tweets off like the rest of us. The women who are just sex experts and perfect women, yet lonely as ever. The men who bash these women yet chase after women like them in the streets like both these women aren't the same. The groups of people who brag so much about how great they are and what they think and how their thoughts are just way better than others because their opinions are facts once they press send. Those promoters that constantly send you links to their work, like 1. I didn't ask for this 2. You're being annoying now this the 5th link you sent me now I don't wanna click it at all. 3. It's always people that neverrrrrr speak to you but begging you to check out their work.. Fuck out my face. Oh, those people who feel the need to comment on every little thing.. Like did I really ask you? And those that get mad you igno(red) their comment to something that didn't need commentary .. And it's like, I thought you just wanted to get that off your chest.. You're expecting a response as well? Sheesh. You're asking for a lot. Those that ask for a follow back.. Um. No. Don't ask me to follow you back, don't tell me to follow you back. I don't like to be told what to do. People who I know personally in life but on twitter they're a different person. Which makes me wonder who's who? If tweets come from the mind, then your twitter account is your mind. No? Where these tweets coming from, if its not you?.. Your personality off twitter can't be real, your tweets will reflect that to a degree. No? Those "it's just twitter" types are annoying. It's not just twitter, when all someone has to base who you are, are your tweets. And yes you can say whatever you want. But in that freedom of speech, you pay for how you're viewed. You're painting the picture for us, a mental picture of how your mind works using twitter. Those who use twitter to put on maury inspi(red) shows, not realizing they're just embarrassing themselves. Oh I hateeeee argumentative twitter. I stay the fuck away from them. They wanna argue about every fucking thing and call it a debate. Debate this, why you care so fucking much? It's obvious you care you won't shut up about it. It's very annoying. But thankfully there's an unfollow and a block button.. And a mute button for the overly sensitive people who notice and care when you unfollow them. 

Speaking of, I love twitter more than I hate it.. I like to tweet and read tweets. Here's the thing though, I don't give a fuck about followers, idc who follows me and who doesn't. If I genuinely like your tweets I'll follow you. You don't have to follow me back, that's not gonna make me dislike your tweets, won't stop me from mentioning or RT'ing you. There's plenty of times I mentioned people on twitter and I don't get a response. It doesn't bother me bc I tweet to get it off my chest not for a response. I don't feel obligated to follow people back off the strength that they follow me.. What your tweets like? Lol that determines everything. Twitter has become this cyber highschool where everybody wants to be apart of the "cool crowd". And I don't care for any parts of it. I don't tweet for approval, I never needed acceptance from you outsiders (Rick Ross grunt) I just play the cut like I do in real life. Twitter is more of an enjoyable experience to me that way. 

– @OohCrissy

Day 3.

3. The last person you kissed...

I'm smirking as the memory replays in my mind. 

We were walking, he was drunk and my bladder was full. 

We're making small talk when he stops in the middle of the block and says, gimme a kiss. 

I sta(red) for a few seconds..

"Stop playing, give me a kiss" 

He's so handsome, and his drunken state made him even more appealing. His aggressive nature made me melt as his hand around my waist pulled me closer to him.. I kissed him. His lips are so soft and it was nice.. Neat, a few lust taps before I said 'lets go'. I had to use the bathroom and I'm not one for PDA despite the fact that it was late and not a soul in sight. 

I love kissing. I won't kiss just anybody, I'm not sca(red) to turn my face if I don't want to kiss you. Lip locking, tongue kissing, lip biting and lip sucking. Alot of smirking in between, It's very easy for me to get carried away when I'm in that intimate zone.. I like kissing him. We kissed some more throughout the night, with more intensity and the same thought that crosses my mind like clockwork when I'm about to kiss a man popped up.. 'Why does he want to kiss me? My lips are so thin'. Lol every man I ever locked lips with always urged it, and their lips were always perfectly full... Fuller than mine, but they never seem to care that I barely have lips.. Kisses after kisses like its never enough. 

Kissing is just beautiful, it's like the transmission of intimate emotion. Anything you could possibly think of to say about how you feel towards someone will never beat the kiss. The kiss you plant on someone that says all your lips could never even begin to speak. You don't need to speak, the kiss spoke for you. 

I think of how I was kissed and what his kiss told me.. I liked it. I wouldn't say it was fireworks like the 4th of July but it was more of an electrical shock through my body as my lips touched his. His soft rough kisses with the intensity fueled by his desire for me had me on fire.. 

I can't wait to kiss him again. 

Day 2.

2. That time you got too drunk but now you remember ..  

Let me see... A time when I got too drunk..... Oh I remember now. How could I forget? But I did. 

I forgot my limit.. I forgot that I had four cups of some homemade cocktail in a red cup. I forgot how quick they sneak up, I forgot all the cheap strong liquor used for the punch, but it was pure juice on my tastebuds and I just threw it back like water. I forgot how numb my lips were .. I forgot I told myself no shots, but I had no recollection of that as we screamed "on 3!" For multiple shots. I forgot that I fell and bounced up quicker than a round ball. I do remember having fun at santucci's .. our church, we called it church cause every Saturday we were there faithfully, while using Sunday as the day to recover. And at church I forgot I was drinking, I got drunk some more. 

I forgot how I got home though.. I forgot that I waited 45 minutes for the cab to show up and I forgot how cold it was (which both was the norm for upstate). I forgot that I gave the cabbie a piece of my mind slurring each word as it left my numbed lips. I just wanted to get home. I forgot how I got in my apartment, probably my keys or with my roommates, I forgot how drunk they were. I was so drunk I tuned them out.. We probably rambled our usual drunken conversations but I forgot. 

I forgot the drunk texts I sent out that I didn't really mean but I was in another world, apparently an alternate universe. I forgot sitting on the bathroom floor with half my outfit on, hair tied up and my arms resting on the toilet seat.. I forgot that I threw up... A few times. I forgot what I had to eat until the remaining contents mixed wit the liquor my belly didnt want anymore in the toilet water reminded me. 

I forgot how I fell asleep. 

And it took me some hours, some days after I woke up the following day and a good look at my phone to fully remember. Lets just say, I never got that drunk again. I may have forgot but the pictures and memories that flooded back after won't let me forget. 

Day 1.

1. I had my first crush when ... 

He was a young Dominican tan thang. Lol smooth I swear.. I was in first grade, I always knew a smooth soul off rip. We kissed by the cubbies he pushed my curls out my face and I leaned in. I mean he was heading that way anyway, you don't just stand this close, caress my hair while looking in my eyes and not kiss me? I mean til this day I have yet to be in that zone and not kiss. Anyway. He was so cute. He was missing a tooth but his grin is fresh in my mind. I never knew his last name. Didn't really matter in first grade. I moved at the end of the year and switched schools.. I was crushed.. I always wonde(red) what he grew up to be. Whenever I'm in Harlem and I pass that school I wonder if I could recognize him if I saw him... Shit, all he gotta do is probably grin.

He certainly wasn't the last crush .. I'm the crush queen. Seriously. I crush on people for the weirdest reasons and I really won't say it or make it known, why? It rarely lasts. I think the thrill of the crush for me is that I think they don't want me. I swear they're out of my league.. Like they're too perfect, why would they even consider me as flawed as I am.. 

So when they want me back.. It can either be lustful, which means it was mutual we just weren't aware. Or it can be wrong, you were so into me you painted this picture you didn't want me to see initially and now that you know I'm on you, it's okay for me to see it .. But I don't like what I see... I end up feeling deceived. And I leave. 

But a crush .. A true crush for me is when I don't stand a chance. There's some forbidden unknown reason as to why I can't be with you but yet, your presence makes me blush.. That thrill of wishful thinking the crush is knowing it won't happen. The essence of a crush, when your heart is squishy and your butterflies are flittering in your gut; all while your face is poker championship game ready. 

John legend*. I'd say he's my current crush cause just the memory of his face makes me blush. He's so smart. Fineeeeee as a motherfucker. Think of John legend 6ft with a beard, athletic build light brown eyes... Smooth talker. For years I'd see him and we'd just sta(red) until we walked passed each other. I swear until I passed him my heart wouldn't beat. That's how it felt I took initiative years later.. We were hitting it off, the more I spoke to him, the more intrigued I became.. Then I backed out like a punk and lost all contact.. I haven't even bothe(red) trying to reach out, his fine ass probably deeply involved. He's literally a catch, I know some girl pressed up where I slipped up. But he's still my crush and it crushes me that our paths haven't crossed again.. And if we do and that crush feeling still there well... We'll see.