Cc: Man theory 1/?

I am fully aware that I am a woman, and I could never possibly understand a man in his entirety, I'm not a man. I get it. But I love men, they're great, even the not so good ones.. Still great. I watch them, talk to them, deal with him, whether indirectly or directly. Business, personal, family, friend, lover. I take notes and observations of every man I've ever encounte(red). I watched boys become men.. And boys stay boys. But men will be men. Anything I have on file for men is filled in by men.. I have a separate folder for women, but their opinion of men doesn't matter to me... It will never be 100% accurate. My observations will never be 100% accurate, I am a woman, certain things I'll never fully get.. I get it. But this is why it's MY observations.. I'm not passing it as fact, but I've noticed this and if you want to prove me wrong, I'm going to need facts because everything I've witnessed for myself supports my observation. 

#1: MAN CAN'T BE WITHOUT A WOMAN. 

Yes. Admit it. We know it already. Even gay men can't stay away and we can't even get them aroused... 

God made Adam, and he gave him the earth as a home... Adam could've went on an expedition.. Probably went swimming, trained a few animals.. All kinds of shit. Anyway, Adam got lonely :( he felt empty.. God told him, nah you just hungry, go eat some fruit..leave me alone I have work to do... Adam kept on about his perfect companion, so God got ti(red) of his nagging, swiftly punched him in the ribs, he fell out from impact.. (God didn't want him to see where he kept everyone else, plus he was getting on his nerves) and when he awoke, there stood Eve. But Eve was NOTHING like Adam. He couldn't believe it. She was his opposite, but she completed him in every way he felt empty before meeting her. Funny.. How just Eve was enough. But she was enough because she was right. God could've brought out Stacey, or Amy.. But Eve was chosen for a reason. She was the right one. Obviously she was put to test Adam on what the right woman to the right man can do.. They just happened to do "wrong". But see the influence. He wasn't even tempted until she brought it up. Whatever. This is just how I see it. I'm not quoting the bible. Ever since then.. Men can't be without women, even if they can't keep a woman for long, they'll always have their mother, who is a woman (if living). 

From here on I'm speaking to the men. So I'm referring this to you as a man.. And I want you to tell me, when you're done.. What you think of my observation. 

I think I realize where alot of y'all go wrong. You have the capability to be the greatest leader of your pack, but somebody gotta have your back.. Who better to have your back than a woman? She already completes you biologically, and a good woman, the right woman can make you unstoppable. But you as a man can get distracted and fooled by visuals.. And women con artists are alive and thriving, they appear to be a certain way, usually perfect for you.. and then, you realize she's wrong too late in the game.. You think you cut your ties, clean.. but making up for the losses tend to ruin a man.

You or someone you may know has actually encounte(red) this.. 

Take this walk with me over a 5 year journey.. You starting out your 5 year life plan.. You got some money you can flip and your foundation is steady enough to get this started, you need one thing, a woman to call your own.. Your grind is gonna become more intense and you need the stability a woman can provide, you have a couple prospects and you pick your girl.. You sweating her, she's everything, she so supportive. You treating her so good.. She making you feel good. You're now even more motivated to grind harder you got your woman waiting at home with the goods. So you doing your thing, you focused.. [Grinding is today's hunting. A real man doesn't feel complete if he's not grinding (hunting) for his own.]

She starts forgetting where y'all headed.. She can't understand why you're not doing what you used to do as often as you used to, now she's on you... Interrogating, wanting to get to the bottom of this cause she didn't sign up for this.. You don't understand what's her problem, you out here doing for y'all, but she wants to talk about what you don't do, for her. And it's not about her, it's about y'all, but she doesn't see that. Because she's the wrong girl. The right girl encourages your grind. The harder you grind, the less you can keep up everything you used to do, because you got shit to do. "C'mon baby I love you, you know this." But she doesn't care, she's at your neck accusing you of things you haven't done yet (she knows she isn't the right one, she doesn't feel she completes you, so she feel you do too and went searching).. You start to stray.. You want to avoid that noise. Come home, She giving you the silent treatment is perfect, you don't even want to talk about what she does because you don't understand. So you start to lose focus and build stress.. Still on your grind even with all the bullshit on your mind. On the grind you meet a sweet little side piece. Woo .. She's fine, top of the line. Lol you on her.. Something about her you like, she doing her own thing so she's not pressed about your thing.. You like that. Now part of your focus on her, you still on the grind but you switch to autopilot every now and then.. Now you feeling side, now you gotta focus on covering tracks so wrong girl doesn't find out, cause you think you love her, maybe. Even though she's wrong, you not letting her go (or she won't, I plan on speaking on relationship entrapment soon, that has to stop.) .. So you juggling wrong, side, and the grind .. Meanwhile you trying to enjoy your life.. All work no play never did anyone any good. Cool.. 

Time passes, you are up my man. You got the juice now. Money flowing, you feeling good, your women are feeling good.. Everything is everything. Granted, a couple months of bliss later.. Side want more now, she ti(red) of playing shadow.. You giving her extra hush money.. Buy her some nice gifts, fuck her good, she still complaining.. So you start to distance yourself, just a bit.. You not trying to hear that shit from wrong, you definitely not trying to hear it from side.. 

Next 15, that new thang came.. You like her, she looking like new side, cause side acting up and she will get replaced, if needed.. as long as wrong is around, she gonna need an assist. Now keep in mind your tab, you got wrong on full time, side part time, you spend money whenever you take new thang out because you are a man. You got it like that. But all these women are taking from your pockets, not adding to it. So they're already liabilities on your tab, not to mention your bills, gas, vices.. Things in that nature. But your money just as long as your tab. Literally.. So you're not even realizing it. The money is flowing in.. So you feel your grind is paying off, but your grind is now supporting your lifestyle.. You aren't grinding for the goal anymore.. You're grinding just as hard, but your expenses are piling up. And none of your bitches are checking you.. Only to tell you when the rent due, or when they're going shopping or the salon... Then just as you about to figure shit out... Everything crumbles. 

Wrong finds out about side, new thang finds out about wrong.. Side outside telling you to come outside and you sitting there counting the losses from the night before... Everybody leaving. Not before the drama of course... Which only frustrates you.. If your focus was off before.. It doesn't even know where the target is.. You fucking up, you're fucked up.. These bitches are getting on your last nerve. You cut them all off, you're fed the fuck up.. You need to clear your mind. You look up and its 5 years later. You're nowhere near finishing your plans.. Time and money gone. And now you're all fucked up emotionally cause you're without a woman and even the randoms you fuck/allow to sleep over cause you lonely doesn't fill the void.. But you're a man.. So you ignore it. And you get back on your grind... Some try again searching for the actual right one, some take the multiple hoes route without heavy commitment, but without emotionally investing into a woman you will never access the power the woman can bring to you that you so instinctively crave.. 

The right woman in a mans ear is unstoppable. The right woman supposed to check you when you're slipping, making sure you know where you're going in case you forgot honey. :) Shes understanding because she matches your grindd.. the right woman is encouraging and fulfilling to a man on all the levels he needs to fully prosper in life. Problem is, alot of men pick the wrong women at the worst times. And it's fucks them up more than when we choose wrong men, as a woman, damsel in distress role pays off. No one pities a weak man. 

So men are dismantled by dealing with the wrong women and waste so much time and energy. Men are the best jugglers. But juggling women is only to make up all the factors that you would prefer to exist in one woman.. But you can't find her.. But you're gonna juggle these bitches until you get ti(red) of juggling, drop them or they want to leave.. But that's a circus act and you're no clown right? You want to grind and build your kingdom, so you have to get the right woman.. Who truly understands your grind and is nothing but an asset all around the board (Queen). Real men don't take money from women, they can get that on their own. What we provide to them is worth more than money.. We provide the encouragment, love, affection, and as well as companionship. We help them understand emotion (this why we're more patient), and they help us with logic.. Thats the trade off.. It's crazy how you can be with someone and feel alone together.. Like you're one. That's how it should feel when it's right. And when it's wrong, catch it early.. Don't let these bitches catch you slipping.. They will ruin you. I am a woman, I knowww, I've seen the side of woman world the dog bitches try so hard to hide from y'all. Don't think it can't happen to you..  Unless you got the right woman already than you're good.. Prosper good man, prosper. I tell yall cause i care about you as men. I want more men to prosper. But they need to pick better women. Plenty out here man.. Don't think there's not. 

I wish you the sight to see through these shady little whores trying to ruin mankind and the sight to see the right woman when she crosses your path. God bless men. 

Quick.

We all want to be the fastest, we all want to finish first. First means fast.. Finish lines... Races. Life is a race no? But what kinda of race, who's competing, what's won once the finish line is reached.. Where the finish line even is.. Varies. 

Like everything. 

Granted. 

In this life race, you're either competing with yourself and the world, or yourself and others.. There is a difference.  

Now, I always think about that old story, the tortoise and the hare.. The big race. And somehow slow ass turtle won, you would think the hare would've won, stronger legs, great quality for the race.. But the hare wasn't thinking about winning the race, just beating the turtle, while ridiculing him for being slower than him.. If the race meant more than the opponent, the hare wouldn't have compa(red) himself to the tortoise.. Despite him being his competitor, winning the race was the main objective. The tortoise on the other hand could care less about the hare and his advantage over him in the race.. Sure the hare was fast, and tortoises are naturally slower.. But even that didn't stop him. His concern was the race. And he won the race... While the hare embarrassed and now a loser, all because he underestimated his opponent and slept on him literally. 

So in life's race we have tortoises and hares. We all want to be hares, quick and  fast. No one wants to be slow ass tortoise.. But in reality it's always the tortoise that wins... The hares of the world tire themselves out seconds before they reach the finish line.. Sometimes even half way depending on how fast they are.. Wasting their fast energy on everything but the race. Being quick is always a plus, but where you choose to be quick determines if its wise.. Some situations calls for us to slow down. So in the race of life... The speed will vary. But even if you're quick like the hare, don't be the hare, the hare was so quick he slipped up and lost focus of what matte(red).. The moment he focused more of his attention on his competitor and less on his progress in the race, he lost. 

In life's race, your only competitor is you..   And the finish line. That's it. Fuck everyone else, sure you can be aware that you're not the only one reaching for the same finish line but aware and devotedly focused are two different things. No matter how fast you are, pacing yourself based on the pace of the next person will always slow you up..  The hare was physically faster than the tortoise but because he felt the tortoise was slow, he was gonna play around.. Take naps and shit. He based his pace on his opponent's speed, and he lost. Had he set his own pace, and not on the tortoise, he'd easily won the race but he didn't take the race nor his opponent seriously.. In the end, he was the joke.

It's funny, cause the tortoises of the world win every time because they're worried about themselves.. Their pace, their eyes on the prize. Competitors aren't a factor. 

Some people like to compete and others like to win. Some just like the challenge, others value the victory. There's people that will try to compete with you in whatever aspect just for the sake of it, and some for the prize. That's why it's not wise to focus so much on 'competitors' .. Some aren't even there to win it, you are.. But if you focus on your competitors and who they are and what's their qualities and blah blah.. You're doing too much.. You're not focusing on you, the race, the finish line and how are you going to get there quickly.. All those things to consider will definitely make you faster in your race.. You can't slow anyone else down unless you slow yourself down first, you can focus on you beating your competitors.. Or focus on winning the race. What's more important? And if its beating your competitors.. You're racing for the wrong reasons. 

Like I said, your only competitor is yourself and the finish line.. Even if someone is on the same path as you doesn't mean they're running the same race.. That's another reason why it's not wise to focus so much on 'competitors' some could be a figment of your imagination. If anything, you should use the feeling of competition you may get from others as fuel in your own race to the finish line.. Work smarter, finish quick and clean. 

Don't be so quick, you might end up like the hare... Pace yourself in your race.. So when you finish you can actually breathe.

Say word..

I only know what I get told, but I cant always go by what I'm told.. 

It's funny, no matter who is telling me something and other people are involved.. I always wonder if that's how it really happened.. 

Not saying what I'm being told isn't true.. But to what degree?.. Since its from your eyes, you perceived that whole situation slightly different than anyone else there... Sometimes its delusion, but its perception nonetheless.

I love those moments when I was told a story from one perspective.. I learned their role or what they thought their role was, when they were wrong about their thought of who they were in the situation, the justifications that followed the situation. Blah blah.. And I'm just soaking it all in, analyzing, suggesting possible solutions.. Trying walk in their shoes And then later on.. I get another piece of the puzzle, someone else tells me of the same situation, but their interpretation of it, their role, allowing me to look at it from another angle, another pair of eyes and it's always funny.. And extremely insightful. I love the human mind so to be able collect all this 'data' for my personal observations makes me feel warm lol.. The only reason this happens to me a little bit more, than the usual.. people love talking to me, they just always feel like telling me a story. And I don't run my mouth. 

If person 1 tells me a story, and I somehow later on meet the main character in person 1 story, I don't even bring up person 1, what they had is none of my business. Person 1 just chose to share it with me. That character will never know, I know of that story unless Person 1 says it.. never from me. So I know alot more than what people think, I just absorb all of it. And really observe how people move, of course. 

See you really can't go by what your told.. Always gotta do your own research, how you do that varies; but one thing key in research is paying attention, to everything. Not just the little details. The big picture as well. What one says of another says way more about themselves than it does of the person they're speaking of. Keep that in mind.

I never go by what I'm told of other people I've never met. I feel like until we meet, I have no solid opinion of you. What I'm told of you, is just how others view you, not always necessarily who you are. Granted. That being said, I take everything I hear or see, into consideration.. Never to the heart.. 

I always wonder what people say of me, how they view me, those that never met me.. What they think they know because someone told them their perception of our relationship, or any encounters between us.. It's funny, cause people view things differently.. Some take serious what I joke with, and vice versa.. But what people fail to realize, you can't accept that version of the truth as full fact. You have to see for yourself to see the truth. 

The only way you can see the truth, is for yourself.

Truth is, alot of people don't pay attention, not even to what they, themselves say.. So as long as you are.. You'll always catch the underlying tones in conversations.. You watch how someone talks just to talk, how they talk to you, how they speak of other people, life situations they've encounte(red) their choice in topics, life views.. It always says so much about a person...

It's like the questions answer themselves...

Only if you're listening. 

Everybody wants you to take their word for something, but their word is only half... A piece if you will... Of what truly is. 

It's deeper than word and perception.

Cycle.

I hate to sound repetitive, unless I'm tryna remember something. Those are alarms.. 

But I noticed not only do certain things sound repetitive, they feel and seem repetitive as well. These cycles of repetition in certain aspects do not stop repeating themselves, unless their broken. It doesn't even have to sound the same.. But it always feels the same. The circumstances may differ, the people and dialogue as well.. But the repetitive feeling cycle is the same... Something is wrong. Right? Depending on the feeling. 

I was analyzing myself as I had my body on autopilot, I thought about how different circumstances are now yet, the same repetitive feelings in certain aspects are reoccurring, I know what stage I'm in.. I'm familiar with this feeling. I know what's next.. But as I decoded this particular cycle, I drifted towards the other cycles in my life.. How content am I with these cycles, which ones I need to break and which I need to reinforce and make sure I continue to repeat?.... 

Then I realized, there's also cycles I need to start. I've been gradually doing so, but there's more things that I would like to repeat and get into a decent cycle. 

It's all in the motion. Take enough baby steps, eventually you're walking. 

See the thing about cycles they always come back around, so as long as the good outweighs the bad, I can deal with the bad with much better ease. For every up there's a down, if the up is worth the down.. Suck it up until it goes back around. It's simple.  

I'm very calm.. Even at times when I should "over react" .. But I keep note of everything and in reinforcing the more positive cycles, the ones that seem to trouble me will be a thing of the past soon enough. One thing I took from Russell Simmons was "treat the inevitable highs and lows with the same calm manner". I'm already calm, but mastering how to remain calm during the lows has really kept me sane in situations where I would've lost my mind. If I didn't over react before, I definitely don't over react now.

It's funny bc my calm character definitely allows me to foresee certain things, and that's always beneficial. 

I just keep calm and stick to the plan. 

The cycle continues, and as one ends, another begins..  The never ending circle of life. 

Shit real.

Spooky.

Hey October.. 2 months left of 2013. 

Shit is real. 

The leaves are falling..

Certainly going to be a very interesting month.. Set my monthly goals and even got a head start yesterday which is always good.

It's always a spooky feeling that comes over me in those moments, I finally realize what certain vibes meant, after I've felt them and acted without knowing mentally why; pure instinctual action. Like my mind doesn't question my body, cause my body knows why.. My mind hasn't gotten the written memo, my body got the vibe memo. It's weird. But I really pick up vibes, I never ignore them.. they don't lie, they often say more than the verbal conversation between people. 

I realize everyday how much of who I am, is really who I've always been.. I just understand myself better as I go along. I know why I do what I do, I know why I don't do what I don't. Even if I'm not consciously aware at the moment, It all comes to me in due time. I never been one to fight how I feel, I may not always vocalize it as its happening.. I like to vocalize my emotions once I make sense of them, but in my actions, I act on it. I will always show how I feel.. How you interpret it is none of my business, not my concern. I don't act on my vibes for a response, if I don't like the vibes, I'll get ghost. No seriously, ghost.. I won't say I'm leaving. I never told anyone I was leaving.. I don't like to announce my departure, I just fade into the background without making a sound.. Some people won't let you leave, not cause they want you there, but because they don't want to get left.. So they'll try to sway you into staying, while they plot their escape.. I don't have time for that. 

I don't have time for alot of things and people, so I remain secluded in a sense. Some I don't have time for because they just aren't worth the time, some because the time they deserve, I can't provide.. I'm on a different time than many of those around me, some understand, some don't. Those that don't will soon enough and if not. Not really my problem. 

As much as I would love to believe everyone is about their word, it's just not realistic.. But vibes, oh sweet old reliable vibes, will never lie to you. Even if your mind can't grasp what's going on just yet, let your body guide you. You truly know. You'll make sense of it later. People will say one thing, body language say something else, which do you trust? The body doesn't lie ... Just know that. 

Spooky shit going on, but I'm keeping calm as always.. Listening to my vibes as well as others.. Actions reveal all. 

Shit real.

I can't wait for Halloween, btw. ^_^

Umm...

Few things I wanna touch on.

I've been frustrated lately.. Every now and then it happens, I haven't realized my goals and that can get frustrating. I remind myself of where I will be. What I will accomplish, listen to 1230am interlude (which is positive thoughts on "wax", which is another reminder as well.. It's sitting in my notepad, once upon a time I could only read it.. Now I can hear it. So ill. Much love to Juan for that) and remain positive. 

But as positive as I am... As optimistic as ever, sometimes I have to bash myself. Overall as a person, I'm content with who I am. But in life, I'm not even remotely close. I'm nooooo way near where I feel I'm supposed to be. I guess the place I would feel would be home, in all aspects.  And I can't tell you where I feel I'm supposed to be; just know, when I get there, you'll know.

I mentally fuck myself up, taunting myself like bitch this not what you want? So why you still here? .. I force myself to answer questions I would never have to with people, more often simply because they don't ask. Those conversations rarely come up, and even when they do.. I'm vague about it, honest, but vague. I know me, I know the soft spots. So I gotta ask me, I gotta be that bully that keep poking at the sore spots until I stand up to me. And it's a win win. When I do it... The breakdown is nasty. But it's needed. I realized that. I tend to hold things in.

I really don't like to complain, I feel complaining is very annoying. And I feel complaining is discussing things that bother you that you can fix over and over with no visible effort to change it. That's annoying. And usually the time spent speaking on it, could be spent actually fixing it. It's one thing to elaborate on your problems and seek help but when you're like me, I feel all my problems stem from me.. So I gotta look in. You can't see that deep. Life itself helps me understand alot more about who I am and who I'm not. 

I feel I have alot of components, like alot within me. And in order to really become who I'm truly meant to be, I have to get them all aligned and awaken me out this nightmare I have to deal with. Because it is a nightmare, and I'm ti(red) of dreaming. I know exactly what I want. 

My little sister asked me yesterday, "what's the difference between being closed minded and knowing what you want"? 

I thought about it, "you know what you want after you conside(red) your options and made the choice; if you're closed minded, you wouldn't had conside(red) any other option". 

I really know what I want, and it frustrates me that people don't understand as to how far an extent I'm talking about.

But that's my fault. 

And I realized why its my fault.. But lord knows I'm working. Every day I'm working in all senses. Building up my endurance, I'll always get stronger. The weight on my shoulders heavy, but I refuse to buckle. 

I watched Kanye's latest interview on BBC radio, and I must say.. I loved it. Idk if its because we're the same sign or just both great (his great already known) but he was talking some real shit. I think about shit like that all the time... I peeped game and I'm not even in the game so for him to be in the game, speak on it and prove accuracy to my beliefs really boosted my positivity levels. Great reassurance that I truly know what the fuck I'm talking about. And I bet my life on it, he was being vague. Shit get way deeper than that. It's deeper than rap. Lmao and little shit like that seem like pure signs to me. I was beating the shit out of myself the other night and as I released my frustrations and awakened self realizations, came to terms with what's going on and what's next... I felt better. I pulled out my reminders and got back to the focus, the mission. 

Then that interview popped up, nigga .. That's a sign. Also Drake's Chelsea lately and Ryan seacrest interview I happen to catch earlier that day as well. I'm so proud of drake lol idek him personally. But I've been a fan since degrassi, and am more than fond of his musical catalog. He's up. He really came up and to have watched the journey on the low, I'm happy for him. I remember when google thought I meant Drake Bell, they don't get it confused anymore. He's certainly very inspiring, to me at least. 

Subtle reminders like that, seeing people (not just the two I named above) live out their dreams, are more than inspiring.. It's motivating. The world is full of reminders that anything is possible and all within in your reach, if you just reach. Living proof that limitations are a mental cage. And you ironically, hold the key and lock. 

Shit real.

Reality Check-in.

Woke up this morning and felt the change of weather.. It's cold. But I'm still hot. 

The plotting that I've been doing is more than ready. The actions I've been taking can be taken further. I know what I need to move forward, I'm just in the process of eliminating my setbacks so they no longer hold me back. It's always something, but all that tells me is that what I'm aiming for, will be that much more worth it once I get it. 

Life is a game, but I'm playing for keeps. 

My stubbornness and manly pride are still a factor, although I'm really working on it.. Old habits die hard. But they will die or atleast become more of an asset than a setback.. 

I just continue to analyze myself and my moves, also those around me gotta keep an eye on my surroundings. 

Always remind myself.... Be aware, those few times I wasn't aware haunt me and I'll be damned if I ever put myself in a position where I'm not comfortable with my surroundings because I wasn't aware.

Shit real.

Act accordingly. 

The Bubble theory.

Bubbles. Air bubbles. Life bubbles. 

If you blow a bubble too fast, it pops. If you blow it slow enough, you can control how big and solid you want your bubble to be. Like glassblowing. You take your time. And your bubble never pops. It can break, but it doesn't pop. The difference is longevity. Your bubble popping is alarming, quick, sudden. If your glass bubble starts to break, you can feel when it's breaking. Because its glass it takes a little longer to crack depending on the impact. It's solid.

Everyone lives in a bubble, we can all intertwine bubbles when we're together. But for the most part we all have our own bubble. 

What and who we allow in our bubble, defines us. It's the air we breathe.. It's our atmosphere in a sense. It's all in our bubble, it consumes us. No matter what you allow in your bubble you should never let anything cloud your vision, cloudy bubbles are no good. 

You always have be aware of what's going on outside your bubble as well ..  Outside of your bubble is the real world, who doesn't give a fuck about your bubble. And if you're not too aware, you might fuck around and get your bubble popped. Depending on your bubble.. It can pop or crack hard on impact. 

Either way, you're gonna feel it.

Build your bubble, filter it so you don't have chaotic shit distracting you from what's going on outside your bubble. Your bubble shouldn't stress you, your bubble is your escape.

You ever been in a bubble? 

Like one of those fake "bubbles" and you crawl in and run around like a hamster in a round cage. Lol sound isn't as clear, depending on the color of the bubble you may not see outside the bubble. 

Imagine you're in a bubble..

You're trapped in the bubble, can't see where you're going, you're bound to stop. If the bubble is a solid color you can't see whats outside the bubble, so you have to rely on sound to get around. And everything that sound good isn't always good. You gotta be able to see what's going on, sound doesn't always match the visual.

Your bubble is a product of you. You determine if your bubble is clear enough to be alert on the outside but sound reduced so what's going on inside your bubble isn't too disturbed. You can't have the sound of the real world drown out your bubble conversations. You just gotta be aware, if your bubble solid.. You can adjust the volume from the outside when needed. If your bubble thin, everything getting through, how can you focus? Won't be long til that bubble pops.

All bubbles eventually pop or break. The amazing thing about bubbles is you can always blow another one. Enjoy your bubble while you're in it, and when it's time to get a new bubble.. Just make it better. Bubbles are needed to grow.. What we fill our bubbles with, determines whether we grow or slowly commit suicide if we fill our bubbles with poisonous vapor.

Poisonous thoughts and people, negative actions all consume our bubbles and darkens it, clouds our vision of everything. What could be, where you're going, how alert you are. You drown and feel stuck in your bubble and it consumes you to the point you can't move. Why would you want to go through that? Some people don't even realize that is exactly what's happening, they can't see what's going on and all they hear is chaos. Their bubble soon pop. 

[if a negative bubble is dark and cloudy.. How clear would a positive bubble be?]

A good bubble popping is a great reality check. Some times that's exactly what we need. A new bubble. But depending on how your bubble pops, determines if you can actually see why your bubble needed popping. You wasn't paying attention and needed a wake up call is usually the reason. Don't blame anyone else for your bubble popping, no one can pop your bubble.. And if you allow them to do so, they must've hit a sore spot. So good, good for you. You needed that. Toughen that up. It's really that simple. 

The world is a crazy place, so much going on.. Our bubble keeps us sane in a sense, some take it too far to the delusional extent, but I won't go there..  Just make sure your bubble is clear and focused, it's okay to get comfortable in your bubble just be aware of traffic.. Many will try to pop your bubble and blow you one with their vision .. Tell them to blow these. Lol (grow up, Cristina) your bubble gotta be blown by you. After all... You spend alot of time there. 

Bubbles. Lol 

The Domino effect.

In a pack of dominoes, comes 28 pieces. You can use one pack/box to play a game. But to create domino effects you might need more than one. Depending on your longevity. You know, the game where you line up or draw out your designs with dominoes and watch them all fall flat with the tipping of just one single domino. Just one touch sets everything into motion. How you set up your dominoes determines how and where they fall. Remember that. 

Now I want to apply that to life moves. Moves you make in life, whatever it is that keeps you going. 

See, I've seen messages written out in dominoes, messages that can only be seen once they all fall. And I got to thinking... Go figure.

Life is a domino effect. How we set up our dominoes(life plans) is how they fall.. And if you don't like how they fell you gotta question your set up. It's all about the set up. Did you take your time setting up your dominoes in alignment? so the message you tried to convey was clear? Do you even realize the message you sent out after your dominoes fell? Are you ready to take responsibility And start over, maybe get more dominoes if you don't like what you have once shit hit the floor? Take your time setting them up this time..

Time. 

People think if you wait for the right time you waiting forever, no such thing as the right time. Oh but there is. You see depending on your message.. You'll have two times; time to get it started, time to reveal the message. Get the ball rolling. That's a time on its own. That's the beginning of the right time. The right time won't come until all your dominoes are laid and ready to unveil the hidden message. You have to know what you're trying to say to determine the two times. Every domino is crucial in your lineup.. They following up what you initiated you gotta make sure you aligned them right. 

No one is responsible of this but you. You know your message, you know how you have to set up your moves. See people won't see your message and try to realign your dominoes. No. Thanks but no thanks should be your automatic response.

Never compromise your message, we all have a voice.. If someone has their own message don't let them use you to voice them. You got your own shit you wanna say.

Even if they don't wanna help you set up your dominoes because you won't alter it to their liking.. Fuck them. Go get your own dominos. Some may they mean well but if you can't trust that I know what I'm doing, my own way without you feeling the need to intrude with your input, I don't need you around. And it's crazy cause people won't even know what your message is but will tell you, you're moving wrong .. Yeah okay.

Just keep in mind, your life is full of dominoes .. How you set them up determines how they fall, how you place them determines where they gonna lay. Take your time in setting them all up and tip off once you aligned them to your perfection and took two steps back to see the layout. Once your satisfied with that. Don't hesitate to tip the first one over.

See my dominoes is almost all aligned.. The tipping soon come. Real soon. Even though many won't see the message for sometime, shit... a long time. they'll definitely hear each domino as they fall exactly where I want them too.

Creators don't make mistakes. They make masterpieces.

Shit real.

I had to take a break from the challenge, too much going on.. Not much room for focus on anything but the mission at hand. I'm zooming in on the target and I'm bout to pull the trigger. 

This weekend certainly was very interesting.. Too many weird shit went down. Surprising me bc not even my knowing self saw this coming lol.. I mean I did but the way it happened, I didn't see coming.. This soon at least. 

Life is funny man.. Everything happens for a reason, so I'm just making sense of it all without making any rash decisions. Calculating and recalculating anything I might not have added up. Subtracting what doesn't add up, and multiplying what does so I have more of what make sense.

Shit is gonna get too real in the next week. I can't wait.

Shit real.

What else new? 

But it's just some things on my mind... 

I don't try to rush things, all in due time I remind myself but I can't deny that I'm curious as to where things are gonna go with certain situations/people. I just try to pay as close attention as I can to the signs.. I'm pretty good at that. It often shows that I do, people always seem to notice. 

Things are changing as always, and I just seem to be getting better thankfully. I'm almost ready. I feel it. These next two weeks I'm going to do everything in my power to make something I been dying to do, come true. I have all the pieces minus one or two, I just need to put them together. This project is very crucial to my master plan and the time is approaching. 

Speaking of approaching, people don't know how crucial the approach is in every human interaction. I noticed this, and am constantly reminded of this. Everybody doesn't react to things the same way you do. Everyone isn't going to like your approach. See me, watch how you approach me, depending on how you approach me determines how I treat you. Especially if you're approaching me inquiring about something. I'm very cautious on how I approach people because humans are easily offended. So easy to rub a stranger the wrong way if you act too familiar or too strange. I approach people based on how I read them. And in doing so it always works in my favor .. Pay a little attention, approach accordingly. 

Idk man, shit is real. 

And it's only getting realer. 

Understand.

Many don't. They only understand what they want to, what they're willing to accept. Anything outside of their comprehension level is just disregarded. Most don't even bother to wrap their minds around things they can't .. Excuse me, refuse to understand. 

Can't is a state of mind.

Comprehension is a dying trait.. It's not embedded enough. Such a shame since its key in communication. It all starts with reading and in the words of a good friend of mine, motherfuckers can't read. Sure you can read words, but do you read what they're saying, what they mean.. Many don't. They don't see past the print and in turn they lose out on the message. 

I've been reading since first grade, books and people. I was so ahead of my class I was helping other kids with their reading skills, I understand words and people very well. I've always had a high level of comprehension. 

Many don't realize that, due to my advanced level of understanding on just about any and everything is the reason I get along so well with people despite me being reserved and slightly antisocial (I'm getting better at that) I get it. Alot of things aren't hard to understand, we just complicate things by trying to add other variables that aren't relevant to the problem nor solution. I understand that. I understand that so well I help others remove these unnecessary variables and understand the equation at hand. Just cause you don't like the answer doesn't make it any less right. Just because you don't understand why, doesn't mean it's wrong. Remember that. 

I understand that many don't understand.. And they are more that don't understand then those that do. I get that. Too many closed minds, not enough open ones. Cool. But what I hate (I know hate is a strong word but I stand by my choice of word) is when my understanding ability is underestimated. 

Understand this; you can never assume what one is capable of understanding and failing to understand this is a big NO NO. (To me at least) to make that choice for me, like I'm inadequate to comprehend a situation is extremely insulting. To assume, only makes an Ass of you, not me. And in that same note, it turns me all the way off.. Idc who you are. Many don't understand that. They can't understand why I get so furious when I'm lied to, like I can't understand the truth. When my choice is made for me, like I can't understand my options. Like I don't know what's best for me. 

I do understand this, many who make these choices and create these lies in fear of being misunderstood are selfish. They understand the downside to the choices and the truth.. And they won't take the chance to have you pick what they fear most.. Which is funny because in my opinion.. That fear, those actions following that fear are the reason many leave.. The main reason I leave, obviously you're in this for yourself.. You're making decisions for me and not realizing that your lack of understanding me is hurting you more than anything. 

I was at this bar the other night, and I was talking to this guy.. He was cool, nice conversation, life, relationships etc..he stopped me and said .. You really the truth, many don't realize that in relationships, understanding is just as important as everything else. And it's funny cause I just assumed that was normal, I assumed everyone understood that. And they don't. And to hear him say that, made me realize that's the problem with not only relationships.. But life in general. Most altercations and fall outs are through misunderstandings.. So how can this be avoided? I mean shouldn't that be our concern? To gain understanding through life and expanding our understanding tank? I sure think so. 

But lets be real for a second, most misunderstandings stem from miscommunication.. Because we assume the other doesn't "get it"/understand alot of things are left unsaid. In fear of getting our emotions misunderstood, we choose silence. Leaving the other to come to an understanding of their own. Usually very deluded and vague due to original confusion mixed with silence which we associate with not caring more often than not. And I mean, can you blame them? Often, we don't do our part in providing clarity.. Which is key in understanding. Hard to confuse anything when it's provided in its clearest form. But sometimes, things aren't even as clear to us, so how can we truly provide clarity? We're confused our damn selves. I understand. It's hard sometimes. 

But the effort in trying to understand and the effort in trying to be understood is more than enough. I say that, once effort is being shown, effort from the other side is put forth. It all depends on how bad do you want to understand or be understood. 

Once you understand that, there's not many things you won't understand. 

Shit real.

I just wanna be successful like the song says.. 

The game needs change and I'm the motherfucking cashier. — And I've done my calculations and I know exactly how much change it needs. 

Cause I'm the one to paint a vivid picture no HD.. Yeah, I want it all, That's why I strive for it. Diss me and you'll never hear a reply for it, Any awards show or party I'll get fly for it, I know what's coming I just hope I'm alive for it.

He be knowing. He really do. And it relates so much more with each listen.. Time is evident of that message. And I read it like like a contract with my name on it. I know what's coming to me.. I'm just preparing myself for what I can and as I progress I'll be able to prepare even more .. 

Shit is real though. As always, and things are definitely on the up.. Or I just refuse to look down.. But I'm rising, I feel it. I just act accordingly. 

And life change for me every single week,

So it's good, but I know this ain't the peak though. 

Shit real though.

One.

We're all looking for the one. 

What for, it varies. 

In search of the One, isn't really much of a search for me.. I feel he'll find me when needed, and if he has found me.. He'll step up when needed. I just keep my eyes, ears and soul open. I feel I come across the one for the night, the one for some time.. The one who teaches me a lesson, and the one who is everything but a blessing. I don't sweat it. I don't belittle those "one" they serve their purpose as needed.

I thought I found the one. The actual, One. The one who when pressed up against me we became one instead of two, as the other ones have created in the past. I don't want to be two. I want to be one.

See I'm not looking for a partner. I'm looking for my reflection. The one who when I look up at him he's me in the flesh, our souls connecting making us one.. The reflection in him makes me better which in turn makes him better simultaneously. I love Mirrors by Justin Timberlake so much, he truly knows the essence of 'the one'. That song says it all.

Back to the one though, how do you know when you've found the one? For me, I feel like the connection is well rounded: mental, sexual, spiritual. The one for me is one who I can be me and more. I feel connected and in tuned with his emotions, thoughts.. His touch sparks a fire through out my body that he's the only one who can put it out, and started it up again. I've felt it before. But what determines if he's really the one.. Is how long that feeling lasts.. Like I said some are the one for the night, or some time. It varies. Some aren't the one at all.. They aren't a factor. I don't even bother with those. Once you know yourself, you know who's definitely not the one off first meeting alone.

The recent one I thought was the one.. Let me be completely honest, I still think he might be the one.. But our timing must be wrong if he is, and if he isn't. Time will show me that. I held his hand.. For a long time. And my palms were not sweaty. They were dry as hell. I didn't even realize, one, we were holding hands that long and two, that my palms were fucking dry. I have alot of moisture in my body lol so my palms sweat at the randomest (don't care if that's not a word) times and I hate holding hands because of this. But I let him hold mine. And it threw me for a loop... I already had a nagging suspicion that he could greatly be the one to complete me, and then he pulls this shit on me. Lol I was a little open, confused.. But open. And then a series of events shortly after, confused the shit out of me and closed me up.

I'm far from bitter, I don't let the actions of men turn me off from searching for my one. I don't feel the need to scream all men ain't shit, I don't ever feel the need to "switch teams" my one is out there in the flesh of a man. A real man. And I'm patient enough in this aspect of my life because you can't rush that.. I certainly won't force that. As I become better and greater than I was the day before I know my one is on the same journey.. And our paths will continue to cross (if they haven't already, will cross) when the time is right. And when that day comes, I'll be more than ready to give myself to him as he will to me, and become the one we're meant to be. 

In the meantime.. I'll deal with the ones for some time.. The ones who come into my life, to fill whatever needs I have that they feel they can fulfill. But I'm the one that only deals with one. I'm the one who has no problem cutting off one to begin something with someone else. Because I'm the one looking for one, not two, not three, nothing of that multiple nature.

It's funny though, I deal with one at a time, but I know how to refrain from giving my all to that one if I'm not sure if that one is the actual one. Not everyone is understanding of that. Some don't understand that what I need more often than not isn't in form of a "serious relationship" (too much pressure put on that) but just a serious companion with flexibility. And it seems so hard to find, probably because most assume they know what you want based on what everyone else wants, and that's why I haven't found the one or the one hasn't figu(red) out I'm truly the one for him.. Yet.

Hmm.. 

Time.

Time reveals all, no? But I don't got the time to wait ..  I don't have much of a choice.. So in the mean time I have to make the most of my time, spend it wisely and be aware of my time. 

There's earth time - 24 hours in a day.

There's our time - our lifetime. 

See, some things go by earth time.. The world revolves around earth time, different time zones.. But time nonetheless. You gotta be at work by this time, you take a break at another time, you clock out at your designated time. You have an appt. by this time, you have an order being shipped by this date at this time. You have a date for this time, you have to make a call at that time.. and so on. Time is just something we humans created to ease our hypertension anxiety of infinity, forever is a long time .. Forever has no time. Forever doesn't exist .. Time doesn't exist. 

In our lifetime, there's things we won't ever fully understand until its meant for us to get it.. We have to let time run its course. As bad as we want an answer to a question about a person or a situation, we have to wait. We can't force it. We can't try to make our own understanding of it because we're not fully equipped with everything needed to make that conclusion .. The biggest factor, time .. Takes its time in revealing everything when needed. I don't mean 24 hour time, I mean life time. 

Because life doesn't run on a clock. Life doesn't have a curfew when to show up with everything you need. Life takes its time and sometimes that bitch is molasses slow. She's funny like that, forcing us to practice patience and constantly reminding us we don't have to rush, all in due time. Yet we as humans feel the need to rush and scramble to try to make sense of everything as we go along. And as bad as we want to make sense of everything. Life doesn't make sense.. Until we're done. Hindsight is 20/20, everything is clearer in the rear view. As we're speeding through life on man made time we are so confused and our vision is blur(red) .. With emotions, and half finished puzzles .. Scrambling to figure out the messages before time is up. But in reality, time is only up when you die.. Or when you decide that enough of your time has been spent on a particular situation or person .. But even then, life has a way of completing puzzles for us despite us walking away from it. 

Take movies and books for example.. The ending sums up the entire story.. By the end, there's clarity.. There's the light at the end of the tunnel. Only at the end is this revealed. The end of the story. We all have stories with a variety of things and people, you may have stopped reading them but doesn't mean the story is over.. You just got frustrated with confusion and let it go. Maybe you felt too much time was spent and not enough clarity for your liking.. Perfectly understandable. 

But let me tell you this, life will finish that story for you.. Because life has its own time that may not be as fast as your speed but life will catch up and show you what you were missing, show you what you couldn't see back then. And then, you're able to finish that story.. Close that book. And continue with your life.. And most times when life shows you what time it's on, you tend to slow down ... No need to rush when you know life is moving. 

And trust I know it's so hard to be patient, me and patience go at it almost every day but I keep cool.. I know she means best, my anxious nature makes it hard.. But I'm learning as time goes on. But time will reveal everything, time goes on.. And the end is when you die. Keep that in mind and you'll move differently. 

Now that's not an excuse to slack off and lose your sense of urgency, because  in this sense.. Time is out of your control. But with things that you have control of, the timing included with that control.. you must act on it and seize the opportunity. But have no fear.. Life got you.

Your life will reveal in its own time every purpose of every situation and person that enters and exits your life. It's always a reason, it's always a lesson. Always a blessing, even if its in a disguise that makes you sad or want to cry. It's life.

Patience is all that's needed with life time. And in your lifetime patience will definitely benefit you more than it will hurt you. In the mean time, use your time wisely and efficiently.. And with time that's not in your control, just make your wait useful and productive so you don't realize how long you have to wait. Life time doesn't have a clock you can stare at... So the wait feels like an eternity. 

Just be patient.

Shit real.

And it keeps getting realer. 

I just go with the flow.. I don't try to go against the current .. Just floating to my destination. 

I've learned and almost maste(red) how to let things go mentally .. Physically walking away from a person or situation is easy.. Walking away mentally, not so much. Especially for someone like me, who spends alot of time analyzing and decoding shit. But I'm getting better.. Because after all, it's MIND OVER MATTER. 

A lot of shit doesn't matter, and I refuse to pay it any mind. Even the things and people that once matte(red), I don't mind them once they don't matter any more. If you're not with me, you're against me. And those against me, will never prosper against me. Nor do they matter. Remind myself of that constantly. 

People want to be relevant, but only you can make them that way. That's why focusing on you and the realization of your goals and plans eliminates all that shit. People tend to feel a way when they realize they don't matter to you any more, but in reality they make it that way.

I only put as much effort into any situation or relationship as I see being put towards me. 50/50 is my game. Anything less is bullshit. I don't have time for leeches or crabs, I'm just working my way out this bucket. And if I have to drop people or leave situations behind me in the process, so be it. I refuse to let anything, any one slow up my progress. 

Shit is real. 

I'm excited, anxious.. So many different things are blossoming into something so beautiful, I'm just watering them and nurturing it like I would a garden. 

Time reveals all. 

Want.

I want it all. Half was never the agreement. 

Me? I want everything .. It won't take me long. 

I know what I want out of life, I know what I want for myself, I know what and who I want to be surrounded with.

Want - verb [ desire to possess or do (something) ]  

Want is a desire .. Some desires are stronger than others. When you want to do something, depending on how bad you want to do.. You get it done. If you want a pair of shoes bad enough you will do everything in your power to obtain them.. If you want to be a doctor, you study your ass off, skip plenty of sleep and earn all types of grants and scholarships for medical school. If you want a sandwich you take your ass in that kitchen to make the sandwich and if you're lacking anything for the sandwich; your hungry ass is gonna go to the store to get whatever's missing, or the nearest deli for a sandwich because you're hungry and you just gotta have a sandwich. 

It's a want. 

Regardless of what the want is. If you want it bad enough you're gonna go get it. If you don't, you didn't want it that bad. Be honest. You don't have to want the same things as bad as the next person. Our wants varies. But be true to yourself. Figure out what you really want, in allllll aspects. Like every single aspect of your life. And once you do that, go get it. What the fuck would you be waiting for? The hardest part is figuring out what it is that you want.. 

You think obtaining it is hard? You don't want it that bad.. You want something so bad when obtaining it is your only concern. You're not concerned with the difficulty of obtaining that want, because all you want is that want and nothing is gonna stop you. No mountain, obstacle or hurdle gonna slow you down. You want it, you gonna go get it. How bad do you want it? Huh? How bad? 

Bad enough to make it yours? 

That applies with people as well, persistence applied to a person is almost always successful.. I know plenty of men (for example) who were on their spouse until she "gave in". He wanted her, and stopped at nothing to get her.. It happens all the time. Especially with men. They want a female, they will move mountains to get her.. If they want her that bad. If he doesn't.. He walks around her and over to the one who truly caught his eye. That desire .. That want is so strong, it won't leave until its satisfied. 

Alot of men say they want me, but very few show me they want me .. So the ones that don't show that they want me, never get me. I don't think they want me that bad.. If they did, the effort would show. 

People say they want a lot of things, they may say they want others .. But their actions in pursuit of that want or lack thereof, shows how intense that want was in the first place.. If they never get it, they didn't want it that bad. It was a front, they thought they wanted it.. But they didn't. If they get it, they truly wanted it. Especially with the more complex wants. It's life. 

Pay attention.

I want it all.. And I know I will get ALL of it, I just organize my wants in order from greatest desire to least and just knock them down as I go along. I'm always gonna do what I want to do, I'm always gonna go after what I want.. Even if its out of reach, I'm not above going the extra mile to fulfill a desire. I want it that bad. I'll get mines. Will you get yours? Do you even know what's yours? What (who) you want to be yours? If you know and haven't got it, go get it. By any means..

Ain't that what you want? 

Saint&Sinner.

We're all sinners .. Alot of us play like we're saints. Some of us are pure.. Those sins didn't stain. But I'm both. 

I'm both a saint and a sinner. 

I could never stop sinning, because quite frankly.. What I don't consider a sin, maybe alot of others do. My sins are mine to live with, so I ask not forgiveness (Shirley). I'm rebellious, and some of my actions may get frowned upon but the sinner in me doesn't give a flying fuck. We're gonna do what we want. And who doesn't like it, it's their problem. Not mine. I never throw stones, I just get stoned.   

I'm a saint in the sense, my intentions are pure.. They're not tainted by my sins or wrong doings life may have put me through.. I still believe in the good of things and people. I do things without my hand out waiting for a return, I genuinely want to see people prosper.. My heart is still intact, pure, whole and pumping vigorously. My purity is the perfect balance for my sinful ways.

I'm not the purest, I'm not the dirtiest. I wash my hands every now and then, but I don't mind getting my hands dirty. Sometimes, you gotta get dirty to get shit done. The balance is knowing when to get clean, and when to get down and dirty. It may not work for everyone but it works for me. I've seen the cleanest and the dirtiest souls and I know where they fault and where they prosper.. I know my soul and I'm honest enough to know I'm in between. Right on the borderline. Sometimes I lean towards one side more than the other, but I never leave that border line. It's a balance. 

Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future.. When you're both you acknowledge your past, look forward to the future and aware of the present. 

Best of both worlds if you ask me. 

Car.

I had a dream a while back, I was driving a car, I was moving fast but my steering wheel was kinda jammed, I really had to use force to turn it and my seat was so uncomfortable, I was going straight ahead so I kept trying to adjust my seat but still not lose grip on the steering wheel itself, because as soon as i would let go of it, it became looser than octomom post labor. And I think the road was rocky... Needless to say it was very uncomfortable.

So when I awoke, I laid there recapping the dream and started my analysis.. I need about an hour of silence in the morning. I don't care who's around. I don't want to talk. I just woke up, I need to think, remember and analyze. Dreams life. Everything. Anyway.. I thought of what the dream was trying to tell me. This is what I got. 

My life is my car, I'm not comfortable in my seat; I'm not comfortable with my position in life. The steering wheel is tight and hard to turn when I hold on, but as soon as I let go its loose; I'm afraid if I let go of the wheel (control of my life) I'll lose complete control. But I was holding on too tight.. Cause the road was rocky; the path I'm on isn't smooth and I fear I may lose control if I don't keep a tight grip. Okay cool. I thought about my life more in depth that morning, that dream provided clarity in a weird way.. 

The car analogy was genius.

I love cars. I want to own 7. One for everyday of the week. Idc if that's unpractical to anyone.. It's not your money I'll be spending. Cars are beautiful  I love the exterior as much as the interior. I'm the friend that has to explain to my friends how to spot cars.. They just think they're pretty.. I know how to spot em. I observe and feel out the interior of any car I sit in, I adjust the seat every time. 

The feeling of watching how smooth a car rides is a different feeling from being in the car.. Your admiration is caused by the fact you're watching it move from close to far or from afar coming towards you.. Your enjoyment of the moment as you're speeding past time when you're in that driver, passenger seat, shit even from the back seat depending on the passengers with you. That's life. But you will never get to see yourself ride .. You will always see yourself driving, or enjoying your ride if you choose to allow someone else to drive your life car. So whenever people tell you about yourself, they're telling you the ride.. How smooth or unstable your driving is, how you glide, or speed past life is seen by those who aren't in the car with you. Even if you're not driving, it's your car. From afar you can't identity the driver nor the passengers. 

Be careful you let in your car, and be extra careful with who you let drive if you choose not to drive for yourself, sometimes we need a break.. We can either pull over and rest or let someone take the wheel for a bit.. You should be able to actually rest if you're not at the wheel.. if you can't rest, you have the wrong driver. If you can't trust that who you chose to drive your car while you rest on your trip won't crash your car.. pull over. Kick them out. Or put them in the back seat. 

That's what the backseat is for .. pure enjoyment of the drive. The driver is in control and the passenger is there assisting by staying alert, playing with the radio and just keeping the driver company.. until you switch to allow the driver to rest. after all you're in their car. You can't let someone drive your car for too long though, they'll begin to think its theirs. Who you allow in your car is very crucial. As I stated above, the people outside the car no matter what you think of your drive.. Will never know your drive from the inside. Only how smooth you ride down this road of life. So who you're riding with at some point will have to ride for you. Can they do it? Can you trust any of the passengers (no kids included in this analysis) to drive your car if you become ti(red) or sick or unstable that you can't drive, because you can't stop. Someone has to take over. And depending on where on the road of life you're on.. You'll have nobody but your passengers. Can you trust them? If not. Drop them where they need to be and keep it moving. There's no free rides and you can't allow anyone to drive your life into a brick wall. 

You also can't allow people to tell you how to drive. You know where you're going, you know the speed you need to be steady at so you can make it to your destination in one piece. Everyone has their own car, different body, motors, interior, exterior, etc. You have to drive your car accordingly. You can't expect a Volvo to hit Bugatti speed. You gotta get a good grip of your car, once you build it. You can always obtain a new car when you're ready, either way you have to drive it accordingly. I can't stress that enough. The reason we have a car is because we're going somewhere and we have to get there, by any means.. We have to reach our destination.. If you crash your car or allow someone to crash it for you, you either die in the crash or spend a tremendous amount of time trying to get back on the road .. You must avoid crashes at all cost. If the crash doesn't kill you, it delays you. Either way you're fucked. You don't want to be fucked that way, I'm sure of it. 

Avoiding crashes is very easy if you know how to drive and know where you're going, people think they know how to drive, but they learned how to drive by watching other people drive, never really driving themselves until its time to go; so they keep looking over at other cars and how they move and when they can get a glimpse of how the driver on their left side drives they imitate it. Often end up crashing because instead of the road, their eyes were focused on the next car. 

* Granted, sometimes you get hit by other drivers, but the impact of the other car is determined by how you were moving. You might get into a few accidents on the road of life, but how you bounce back from that will be ultimately on you, even if the accident wasn't your fault.

Keep your eyes on the road, aware of the signs ahead and ensure that your trust is well rested on the passengers with you. Never let anyone borrow your car. You should be in your car at all times. Always aware of where you're at and where you're going even if you doze off for a few. You're still on that ride. After all it's your ride. Your life.

I don't mind being in the back seat, of others cars.. Unless I feel I'm better in the passenger seat, I'd never steer you wrong, I'll be alert and aware of signs you may miss and my music taste is amazing of course. Lol I don't always feel the need to sit up front but where I see fit, I'll sit up front. Especially if its empty or your passenger isn't as valuable so you move me up front. I'll never ask to sit up front if you don't want me there and the seat is filled. I don't tell people how to arrange seats in their car. You know your role in one's life by how they seat you in their car, the passenger seat the best seat besides the driver. You share the same view, you're both of help to get to the destination. The back seat isn't bad because you're still in the car, but your view a little different. Your role is good company and if needed, assistance to drive. If the driver of a car I'm in or any of the passengers rub me the wrong way at anytime I'll get out. I don't have to be here, I'm here for the ride.. A ride I'm asked to be apart of or we just happened to be heading to the same place, down the same road. But at any moment it can change, I have my own car.. My own passengers to attend to as well. I won't take the ride if I know I'm not wanted, if I know I'm not trusted to take the wheel, if I know I don't want to take the wheel. I won't be uncomfortable on any ride, in any seat. I'll always try to get comfortable. If not, I get a new car or I get out depending if I'm the driver or the passenger in the scenario. 

I will always drive my own car. I trust my passengers, but I like to be in control of everything pertaining to me.. My car is most definitely one of them. Even when I'm resting I feel I can't completely rest until I get to my destination, I have a few .. I can rest when I get there before I head to the other destinations on the list. But I am learning how not to grip so tightly, I'm learning how to truly keep calm and find a balance. Focused but at ease. I appear that way on the outside, I get complimented on my drive all the time. But inside I'm chaotic. I'm tryna find the balance while maintaining my speed and smooth turns when I hit corners. I make it look easy, apparently. But I got this ..

 I'm learning through driving, I'm getting better and quicker every day. Can't ask someone to drive because I'm sca(red) of the hills ahead.. Only when I truly need to, I mean trulyyyyy need will I ask someone to drive. And that'll be just to recharge and get back to the mission. But trust, anyone I allow to drive won't crash because they value my life as much as theirs .. They wouldn't even be in my car, I don't need gas money, my car doesn't need much gas. Hybrid baby ;) Lol I just need to know you down for the ride.. Not dying to ride. Certain places we may pass, Sticking your head out the sun roof, screaming at the top of your lungs. No. You're really here for the ride. If my car break down you can help fix a flat.. If my vision gets blurry and I miss a sign, you caught it. I doze off, you willing and ready to take over cause you know where we're going and you know stopping not apart of the plan. 

The ride is really all we have, once we get to our destination, it's over. We spend more time traveling to it than we do actually there, depending on where you're going and how long you plan to be there. You have to make your ride enjoyable.. You have to be in good company. You have to make it to your destination, if not the ride was a waste of time. 

We don't waste time over here. You might put the pedal to the metal when you get excited about your destination but remember to know when to slow it down, and pick up speed again.. And whatever you do, don't put your car in park until you're in the parking lot of your destination.

Cues The Ride by Drake feat. The weeknd.

Midnight thoughts.

Idk ..

Idk how I'm supposed to feel, but I feel a plethora of emotions.. So many different things going on, so much I'm trying to do. I just want to make sense of it all. Don't wanna speak too soon, don't want to address it too late. It's crazy, life is crazy.. Love it though.. All I have in a sense. I'm feeling godly like as well. I really feel my aura is growing as well as glowing and I'm making my proper moves taking my time and doing what I need to do as far as handling things that are in my control... Still tryna to gain more control of things, but I'm pacing myself. Don't want to overwhelm myself by trying to do too much as I have in the past, I'm taking my time. 

I really believe in everything I want to do. And I really believe in it so much.. No one can stray me off course. A few people claim they believe in me, but I don't believe it. Its one thing to root for me, but to truly believe in me, means helping me, guiding me towards that in anyway you can.. thats what it means to me to truly believe in someone. I don't expect anyone to help me achieve this. That's why I'm moving on my own time at my own pace. It'll be soon before long when it pays off. I am enjoying this. 

I mean I'm barely getting started but I can't belittle the fact that I am making things happen, I'm doing more than I was this time last year. 

Progress baby, progress. 

I'm proud of myself.. I could've been broken by several things that have been tossed my way in the last year.. But it barely left a crack. I'm stronger than I realize. And I have my desires to thank for that. They've been awoken and they not taking anything I've allowed to silence them in the past. 

And I couldn't be happier, cause quite frankly I was sick of that shit. Sick of the panic attacks and fake smiles, sick of crying in the shower and not knowing why, sick of being average when I know I'm far from it. Sick of the box I created for myself because I was terrified of my potential. I was sick of being sick. 

Today, right this moment.. I'm healthy as hell. I am happy. I really come a long way, despite the fact that I have a longer road ahead I'm just happy that I'm in the mental state where I won't stop, and if I do it's just to sniff the flowers. It's crazy. I'm crying. Happy tears, for once Lol my body feels so weird. I'm just amazed at how honest I am without even trying. I really know who I am. I know me so well, I really have no limits. 

Shit is real. 

I am at a point where I can see this shit coming like I have binoculars (drake voice) I am a prophet.. I'm always right even when I don't want to be. Scary. But fuck atleast I know. And the more you know, the more you grow .. I'm all about that. I'm really unstoppable. 

I let people sleep on me .. Deep sleep. But once I ring that alarm, I'll keep them up for nights at a time wondering how the fuck I did it, how the fuck I'm still doing it and why the fuck hasn't anyone stopped me. Lmaoo it's crazy, its gonna be so true. They been sleeping on me so long, I even tucked them in, even pressed the snooze button a few times. But it's for the best. I'll play under the radar, but I will always be over your head.