Umm...

Few things I wanna touch on.

I've been frustrated lately.. Every now and then it happens, I haven't realized my goals and that can get frustrating. I remind myself of where I will be. What I will accomplish, listen to 1230am interlude (which is positive thoughts on "wax", which is another reminder as well.. It's sitting in my notepad, once upon a time I could only read it.. Now I can hear it. So ill. Much love to Juan for that) and remain positive. 

But as positive as I am... As optimistic as ever, sometimes I have to bash myself. Overall as a person, I'm content with who I am. But in life, I'm not even remotely close. I'm nooooo way near where I feel I'm supposed to be. I guess the place I would feel would be home, in all aspects.  And I can't tell you where I feel I'm supposed to be; just know, when I get there, you'll know.

I mentally fuck myself up, taunting myself like bitch this not what you want? So why you still here? .. I force myself to answer questions I would never have to with people, more often simply because they don't ask. Those conversations rarely come up, and even when they do.. I'm vague about it, honest, but vague. I know me, I know the soft spots. So I gotta ask me, I gotta be that bully that keep poking at the sore spots until I stand up to me. And it's a win win. When I do it... The breakdown is nasty. But it's needed. I realized that. I tend to hold things in.

I really don't like to complain, I feel complaining is very annoying. And I feel complaining is discussing things that bother you that you can fix over and over with no visible effort to change it. That's annoying. And usually the time spent speaking on it, could be spent actually fixing it. It's one thing to elaborate on your problems and seek help but when you're like me, I feel all my problems stem from me.. So I gotta look in. You can't see that deep. Life itself helps me understand alot more about who I am and who I'm not. 

I feel I have alot of components, like alot within me. And in order to really become who I'm truly meant to be, I have to get them all aligned and awaken me out this nightmare I have to deal with. Because it is a nightmare, and I'm ti(red) of dreaming. I know exactly what I want. 

My little sister asked me yesterday, "what's the difference between being closed minded and knowing what you want"? 

I thought about it, "you know what you want after you conside(red) your options and made the choice; if you're closed minded, you wouldn't had conside(red) any other option". 

I really know what I want, and it frustrates me that people don't understand as to how far an extent I'm talking about.

But that's my fault. 

And I realized why its my fault.. But lord knows I'm working. Every day I'm working in all senses. Building up my endurance, I'll always get stronger. The weight on my shoulders heavy, but I refuse to buckle. 

I watched Kanye's latest interview on BBC radio, and I must say.. I loved it. Idk if its because we're the same sign or just both great (his great already known) but he was talking some real shit. I think about shit like that all the time... I peeped game and I'm not even in the game so for him to be in the game, speak on it and prove accuracy to my beliefs really boosted my positivity levels. Great reassurance that I truly know what the fuck I'm talking about. And I bet my life on it, he was being vague. Shit get way deeper than that. It's deeper than rap. Lmao and little shit like that seem like pure signs to me. I was beating the shit out of myself the other night and as I released my frustrations and awakened self realizations, came to terms with what's going on and what's next... I felt better. I pulled out my reminders and got back to the focus, the mission. 

Then that interview popped up, nigga .. That's a sign. Also Drake's Chelsea lately and Ryan seacrest interview I happen to catch earlier that day as well. I'm so proud of drake lol idek him personally. But I've been a fan since degrassi, and am more than fond of his musical catalog. He's up. He really came up and to have watched the journey on the low, I'm happy for him. I remember when google thought I meant Drake Bell, they don't get it confused anymore. He's certainly very inspiring, to me at least. 

Subtle reminders like that, seeing people (not just the two I named above) live out their dreams, are more than inspiring.. It's motivating. The world is full of reminders that anything is possible and all within in your reach, if you just reach. Living proof that limitations are a mental cage. And you ironically, hold the key and lock. 

Shit real.

Time.

Time reveals all, no? But I don't got the time to wait ..  I don't have much of a choice.. So in the mean time I have to make the most of my time, spend it wisely and be aware of my time. 

There's earth time - 24 hours in a day.

There's our time - our lifetime. 

See, some things go by earth time.. The world revolves around earth time, different time zones.. But time nonetheless. You gotta be at work by this time, you take a break at another time, you clock out at your designated time. You have an appt. by this time, you have an order being shipped by this date at this time. You have a date for this time, you have to make a call at that time.. and so on. Time is just something we humans created to ease our hypertension anxiety of infinity, forever is a long time .. Forever has no time. Forever doesn't exist .. Time doesn't exist. 

In our lifetime, there's things we won't ever fully understand until its meant for us to get it.. We have to let time run its course. As bad as we want an answer to a question about a person or a situation, we have to wait. We can't force it. We can't try to make our own understanding of it because we're not fully equipped with everything needed to make that conclusion .. The biggest factor, time .. Takes its time in revealing everything when needed. I don't mean 24 hour time, I mean life time. 

Because life doesn't run on a clock. Life doesn't have a curfew when to show up with everything you need. Life takes its time and sometimes that bitch is molasses slow. She's funny like that, forcing us to practice patience and constantly reminding us we don't have to rush, all in due time. Yet we as humans feel the need to rush and scramble to try to make sense of everything as we go along. And as bad as we want to make sense of everything. Life doesn't make sense.. Until we're done. Hindsight is 20/20, everything is clearer in the rear view. As we're speeding through life on man made time we are so confused and our vision is blur(red) .. With emotions, and half finished puzzles .. Scrambling to figure out the messages before time is up. But in reality, time is only up when you die.. Or when you decide that enough of your time has been spent on a particular situation or person .. But even then, life has a way of completing puzzles for us despite us walking away from it. 

Take movies and books for example.. The ending sums up the entire story.. By the end, there's clarity.. There's the light at the end of the tunnel. Only at the end is this revealed. The end of the story. We all have stories with a variety of things and people, you may have stopped reading them but doesn't mean the story is over.. You just got frustrated with confusion and let it go. Maybe you felt too much time was spent and not enough clarity for your liking.. Perfectly understandable. 

But let me tell you this, life will finish that story for you.. Because life has its own time that may not be as fast as your speed but life will catch up and show you what you were missing, show you what you couldn't see back then. And then, you're able to finish that story.. Close that book. And continue with your life.. And most times when life shows you what time it's on, you tend to slow down ... No need to rush when you know life is moving. 

And trust I know it's so hard to be patient, me and patience go at it almost every day but I keep cool.. I know she means best, my anxious nature makes it hard.. But I'm learning as time goes on. But time will reveal everything, time goes on.. And the end is when you die. Keep that in mind and you'll move differently. 

Now that's not an excuse to slack off and lose your sense of urgency, because  in this sense.. Time is out of your control. But with things that you have control of, the timing included with that control.. you must act on it and seize the opportunity. But have no fear.. Life got you.

Your life will reveal in its own time every purpose of every situation and person that enters and exits your life. It's always a reason, it's always a lesson. Always a blessing, even if its in a disguise that makes you sad or want to cry. It's life.

Patience is all that's needed with life time. And in your lifetime patience will definitely benefit you more than it will hurt you. In the mean time, use your time wisely and efficiently.. And with time that's not in your control, just make your wait useful and productive so you don't realize how long you have to wait. Life time doesn't have a clock you can stare at... So the wait feels like an eternity. 

Just be patient.