Restraint.

Lord.. A gift and a curse restraint is.

To be able to keep your composure when you don't want to, is a gift. A curse when you need to let loose and you don't.

My self restraint is stronger than the hulk is when mad. Idk where I get this sense of control from .. Maybe it's from seeing people make a fool of themselves by not holding it together when they should. Maybe I'm sca(red) of what could happen if I lost control. I honestly don't know what I'm capable of. I would hate to lose control and regret my actions later. Times when I feel I should let loose, I still don't. My restraint won't allow me to. Idk if that's instinct and I choose the wrong times to want to let loose. But I hold it down, my composure doesn't crack. At all. I'm starting to think this is more harmful to me than helpful. I haven't quite maste(red) how to turn my restraint on and off whenever I please.. Shit I have a hard time turning it off to begin with.

I need to get that figu(red) out quick. When I get word vomit I swallow it back down. I don't speak. Maybe that's wiser in the long run.. Depending on the scenario. But holding in shit bothers me. Bothers me even after I know I should've said something but by then it's too late. To me anyway. I hate to bring up something I should've been addressed. And that's my fault every time. So what I do when that happens? I charge it to the game. I write it down. I address it exactly the moment it's brought up again... Because believe, it will get brought up again.

Sometimes my restraint helps me in ways I don't understand until time has run it's course. For that, I'm always thankful. Right now, idk whether or not my restraint just helped or hurt me.. I guess time will reveal all right?

Lord patience is a funny bitch