"Vanity is my favorite sin.. Where I got that from?" — Devils advocate, of course. "Quick one aren't you?"
She laughs..
She didn't even look up, she was rolling up. She was either always rolling up or smoking .. Always something to drink whether its water, wine or vodka. I take a seat, get comfortable. No need for introductions we already hit the point where hellos and small talk aren't needed.
— were you watching it last night? "No I just thought about that line" — is that what you want to speak on? .. I thought about it. "As a matter of fact I do" — well what about vanity? "Do you think it's sin?" — sin is perception. I roll my eyes, "Oh god" — god is perception as well. "Please don't start" we laugh .. — I think the sin comes from within, so depending on who.. Determines sin, but I don't think vanity itself is a sin. If anything it should be more of a virtue. "Same shit I was thinking" — why do you feel it's a virtue? "I mean the definition of vanity is excessive pride or admiration for ones appearance or accomplishments, worth but why wouldn't you take pride and alot of it in how you appear or your accomplishments, why wouldn't you feel you're worth much?" — many people prefer humble over vanity. "I'm humble when others comment on me and my work but I'm vain when it comes to me.. I know what I'm meant to be, I know my worth." — as you should. It's a great balance to have, humble and vanity. Many feel they can't be both, it's a tug a war .. Don't want to believe in themselves too much in fear of coming off as vain (which is always used in a negative tone) so they call it humble. But it's not humble. It's fear.. And some are just too vain, but there's no substance behind their vanity .. Just emptiness so their vanity is often frowned upon"
I sat there letting everything fully register, the THC definitely made it easier. I realized I had the balance all along, I realized that my humbleness was the reason I haven't gotten as far as I should, and my vanity was the reason everything I did actually accomplished turned out amazing. What I love most about coming to see her, she never rushed a response after silence.. She let me figure things out mentally and speak when I'm ready.
"People think I'm physically vain" — really? "Yeah they assume I am based on how they perceive me, it's wack actually" — I can imagine, for strangers to assume you're full of yourself and be certain of this without ever really attempting to get to know you is ironically vain of them. Although they're right about you in the wrong way. "Exactly! They assume my vanity is due to my physical appearance, when in all reality my vanity is a result of who I am, internally." — it's hard for people to see past the physical. "That's the problem with people today" — too many insecure souls sca(red) to dig a little deeper in others, the beauty in the physical intimidates those who put so much value on it, they can't see past it. They assume all of who you are stems from what you see when you look in the mirror. "But in that sense, its true .. only I look in the mirror a little different than others, when I look at me I don't see a face, I see my dreams, goals, future. My soul shining. That's my reflection" — and that's why you're special. You're one of the rare ones who acknowledge that the skin we're in is just that, skin.. Your facial features aren't how you define who you are, you let your soul define you. And at your age in this era, that is amazing. In a time where appearances are everything. You could careless how you look, you determine how you look by what you do, what you've done. "Damn.. You see my soul too huh?" — I be knowing.
We smoked another blunt over some wine and discussed my plans. She was one of the few people I felt comfortable with talking about my future. She never tried to discourage me, I never felt she wasn't genuinely concerned or uninterested. She gave me even more great advice, that I promised to follow.. she knows I'm stubborn.
But before I left she said something I'll never forget..
— don't let them humble you, humble yourself when you feel needed but ALWAYS be vain in your craft.. Never let them speak of you in vain.. You're the one. Everything you plan on being will come as long as you keep your humble-vanity balance. Only you can keep it. Don't let any outsiders adjust your balance. They don't know you like you.
It hit me like sneaky liquor.
That's when I knew.
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