Poetry is...

Ima day late but I like this question. 

Poetry is musical words, no beat requi(red) its a string of words that belong together and some how attaches its way to your heart. Those words touch your soul, poetry makes you feel, poetry send chills, poetry is real.

I like writing poetry. It comes rather natural to me. I just ramble, somehow the words rhyme and the words come alive.. It's an escape for me, it helps me capture moments I couldn't catch with a camera. It reminds me of what I feel, why I feel.. Shit be real. Poetry is a past time for me, I've recently decided to take it more serious. Since it comes naturally, it was only right I became more serious about the possibilities poetry can bring. 

My mind isn't an average one, I know this because I've thoroughly thought out everything I can do with my poetry, and it hasn't been done yet.. Or atleast not like how I'm going to do it. It's funny because poetry gives life. And it certainly gives me life every day. 

I write all kinds of poetry but I'm more expressive with my lust filled poems than anything else. For good reason too.

The Domino effect.

In a pack of dominoes, comes 28 pieces. You can use one pack/box to play a game. But to create domino effects you might need more than one. Depending on your longevity. You know, the game where you line up or draw out your designs with dominoes and watch them all fall flat with the tipping of just one single domino. Just one touch sets everything into motion. How you set up your dominoes determines how and where they fall. Remember that. 

Now I want to apply that to life moves. Moves you make in life, whatever it is that keeps you going. 

See, I've seen messages written out in dominoes, messages that can only be seen once they all fall. And I got to thinking... Go figure.

Life is a domino effect. How we set up our dominoes(life plans) is how they fall.. And if you don't like how they fell you gotta question your set up. It's all about the set up. Did you take your time setting up your dominoes in alignment? so the message you tried to convey was clear? Do you even realize the message you sent out after your dominoes fell? Are you ready to take responsibility And start over, maybe get more dominoes if you don't like what you have once shit hit the floor? Take your time setting them up this time..

Time. 

People think if you wait for the right time you waiting forever, no such thing as the right time. Oh but there is. You see depending on your message.. You'll have two times; time to get it started, time to reveal the message. Get the ball rolling. That's a time on its own. That's the beginning of the right time. The right time won't come until all your dominoes are laid and ready to unveil the hidden message. You have to know what you're trying to say to determine the two times. Every domino is crucial in your lineup.. They following up what you initiated you gotta make sure you aligned them right. 

No one is responsible of this but you. You know your message, you know how you have to set up your moves. See people won't see your message and try to realign your dominoes. No. Thanks but no thanks should be your automatic response.

Never compromise your message, we all have a voice.. If someone has their own message don't let them use you to voice them. You got your own shit you wanna say.

Even if they don't wanna help you set up your dominoes because you won't alter it to their liking.. Fuck them. Go get your own dominos. Some may they mean well but if you can't trust that I know what I'm doing, my own way without you feeling the need to intrude with your input, I don't need you around. And it's crazy cause people won't even know what your message is but will tell you, you're moving wrong .. Yeah okay.

Just keep in mind, your life is full of dominoes .. How you set them up determines how they fall, how you place them determines where they gonna lay. Take your time in setting them all up and tip off once you aligned them to your perfection and took two steps back to see the layout. Once your satisfied with that. Don't hesitate to tip the first one over.

See my dominoes is almost all aligned.. The tipping soon come. Real soon. Even though many won't see the message for sometime, shit... a long time. they'll definitely hear each domino as they fall exactly where I want them too.

Creators don't make mistakes. They make masterpieces.

Shit real.

I had to take a break from the challenge, too much going on.. Not much room for focus on anything but the mission at hand. I'm zooming in on the target and I'm bout to pull the trigger. 

This weekend certainly was very interesting.. Too many weird shit went down. Surprising me bc not even my knowing self saw this coming lol.. I mean I did but the way it happened, I didn't see coming.. This soon at least. 

Life is funny man.. Everything happens for a reason, so I'm just making sense of it all without making any rash decisions. Calculating and recalculating anything I might not have added up. Subtracting what doesn't add up, and multiplying what does so I have more of what make sense.

Shit is gonna get too real in the next week. I can't wait.

Day 15.

15. When I turn 30, I hope that if a Bugatti not sitting in my driveway.. I will be purchasing one. Or if by some weird twisted fate I can't, as I've mentioned, I'll kill myself. I'm not joking. 

Like I said before I don't value money I value what I can obtain. And if I can't obtain my dream sportscar by 30 I'm a failure. Why would I put all of my worth in a sportscar? Its deeper than a sportscar. To buy that Sports car means I have everything I need and even more of what I want, I have no worries and money is the least of my issues. It's also the fact that present day at 22 I have triple the knowledge for someone my age. Twice the ambition and realistically maybe just one shot to get it all. 

8 years til I'm 30. 

If in 8 years I'm not in the position I planned for myself, ima failure that doesn't deserve to live. All these years of planning and making moves and I haven't reached my goal for 30? You're fucking kidding me. But I have very little doubt that'll happen because I'm more determined than delusional of my plans for world domination. [inserts evil laugh here]

By 30 I would hope to already have given birth to not only my empire but a kid or two with the man who I'm meant to be with. Sounds good no? I want to be freeeee of all worries and if I wanna board my private jet and fly to brazil for a day or two, I can do that. That's all I ever want. I want to do whatever I want, whenever, however. As long as its in my power of control.. It'll happen. 30 isn't old to me. But it's certainly a checkpoint. Because at that point in your life, you better have one. And be in full control. It breaks my heart but brings me joy at the same time when 30+yr old people just now begin to live their lives. It's like great, I'm glad you're with the program, but wtf took you so long.

You spend most your life finding yourself and your niches.. Granted everyone's personal development varies because time doesn't exist, only when one is ready will it be the time for them. 

But I know myself, I know my niches and am further discovering into them deeper and deeper everyday. So if I, at 22 has figu(red) out who I truly am, what I'm truly capable of (at the moment, in the past.. The future is created) why would I not reach my goals at 30? Nothing can stop me. Hold me up maybe, but even then.. When I'm released from that hold up.. My speed and resilience will make up for that. 

I wonder where I'll be at 30, who I'm with, what I'll be doing. Where my mind frame will be at that age .. It's scary. Good. But scary. 

Will I even make it to see 30? 

You just never know. 

Day 14.

14. writing is...

Writing is freedom. Writing is everything I could never say and wanna say. Writing is therapy. It's the blood of emotion. It hurts. It feels good. It gets your blood rushing depending on your topic. It's the string of thoughts in order of appearance. It's amazing. It's horrible. It's hurtful. It's real. Writing is communication. Explanations. Understanding. Confusion. Clarity. Everything. 

Writing just is ... Beautiful.

Shit real. [ Day 10, 11, 12 ]

I've been thinking and meditating and making moves. This week is crucial. But I don't want to forget the challenge I'm enjoying these questions. So for the days I missed .. [i decided to speak on commitment at a later time.] 

10. It takes 30 days to break a habit, what's your bad habit? 

My bad habits are breaking slowly but surely, old habits die hard.. But I'm working on it, I won't say all my bad habits.. Because bad is subjective. But because I'm aware of these bad habits, I try not to make it a habit. Once I acknowledge it I cut it out. Lol being aware of you and how you move is very key. When you know your bad as well as your good, and work towards bettering your bad while embracing your good is a beautiful feeling. It's all about balance. 

11. Name a song or lyric that sums up your love life. 

Montreal _ The Weeknd .. Beginning to end. 

12. When I have writers block.. 

Which is super rare, it means I'm trying too hard so I stop. I like to write, I don't like it to be forced, rehearsed or anything like that. I can write about anything and everything in a paragraph or an essay length ramble it varies. But I never felt blocked, maybe because I rarely know what I'm gonna write until I pick up a pen or sit at a keyboard. 

And my head keeps spinning giving me all these visions on different ways to view situations and characters of life.. Luckily I know how to articulate myself for the most part where I can actually make some sorta of sense to those who aren't up here with me and my mind. Lol 

  

Day 9.

9. So far summer has been ...

Very educational to say the least ..

But fun for the most part. 

When the heat turn up, the extra layers just fall off ..... 

You see what and who real.

VIII.

"Thats 8 in roman numeral?" — yeah. "Is that your favorite number?" —no, it's the day my uncle passed away" 

August 8, 2005 .. 

I remember it like it was yesterday. Horrible morning, horrible guilt I placed on myself, horrible pain I felt that I just recently let go. 

Ralph was my grandmas youngest brother, so technically he was my great uncle. He was a Vietnam war vet, sarcastic and wiser than any man I have yet to meet. I owe alot of who I am today because of him. He would come stay with us quite often. Making my siblings and I Mickey Mouse pancakes, putting us on punishment when we stepped out of line. But me and him had a special relationship.. He was really my mentor now that I look back on it. He introduced me to comedy, Richard Pryor (we would watch his movies and he'll school me on shit I didn't comprehend.) Columbo, murder she wrote, Law & Order.. Seinfeld was his favorite sitcom, we would watch TV land like that's the only channel we had. Mr. Ed, Sanford & son.. Wild cowboy movies, I can go on all day. We would crack jokes on my siblings and say its way over their heads when they missed the jokes. He used to loveeeee table talk apple pies 2/$1, rack up on those with some milk and devour it. Lol 

He would call me princess of darkness, I was a cold young bitch lol and niggerette.. I never took it personal, he was just as dark as I was.. In fact when I would tag along with him and roam the streets of manhattan people thought I was his daughter.. And I mean everybody knew him. Like even as a kid I was always surprised that we couldn't walk a block without someone stopping him. Apparently he was the man around those parts. He taught me plenty of things as a youth, I vividly remember the war stories and tales of his childhood and even adulthood. He was certainly very interesting. 

I don't remember when exactly he was diagnosed with testicular cancer.. He was horrible with informing us about his health.. "I'll be fine.. Don't worry" was his favorite line. I assumed he would be fine. The first time I realized its possible to lose him, I was staring at him in a hospital bed at the Veteran's hospital, they had to perform surgery, he looked so weak.. Those tubes disturbed me. But regular Ralph cracking jokes, cutting everybody ass.. Telling my grandma to bring him food. "The food here don't got shit on yours Tana".. I asked him, you gonna die? He looked me in the face, I ain't going nowhere. It made me feel better.. But it made me feel worse when I later realized he just said it to make me feel better. 

Three weeks later, he was at our house. It was very early in the morning.. My brother woke us up screaming, maaaaaa Ralph fell. He's not getting up!!! My mom hopped up, I heard heavy footsteps, I stood in the bed. I am not a morning person, if anything I was irritated because in my mind he was fine, he just fell. He's a grown man. (I resented myself for those thoughts for years to come) .. The ambulance was called, I'm sitting in the living room .. I didn't even go into the room he was in. I think now, I knew then it was over.. I just didn't want to see him like that. I wasn't strong enough. As they wheeled him out on the stretcher, I caught a glimpse of his face .. He was dead. There was no life in his eyes. I saw this but tears didn't fill mine. I was numb. (I would later break down to a friend, he didn't believe me when I told him.. I burst into tears, I didn't want to believe it either.) They claimed he was alive still, my mom encouraged me to go see him at hospital and I didn't go. For what? I hate hospitals.. Plus he was already dead to me. And if he wasn't, I'd know once he walked back through the door with a smile and his leather bookbag over his shoulder. A call around 3 am let me know it was official. I heard my grandma screaming cries once my mom told her. And it broke me in so many ways. I knew how much he meant to her, shit he meant alot to me but that was her baby brother. The death certificate says he died August 9.. But nobody can tell me he didn't die on the 8th. I saw death as it rolled out my house, taking my uncle with it.

The funeral came, it was crazy. So many family members that didn't give a shit about him was there .. Like where were you when he was in the hospital? Family members who dragged his name through the mud now showed face like they had some respect, why is it that people have all this respect to show when you're dead but alive they're disrespectful as hell? .. It was disgusting. The saddest part was his son's arrival, he had a son in DR that he never got to meet.. Their first encounter was at the funeral. Imagine that, not being able to meet your father until his funeral? The craziest part? His son was a spitting image of him. It was fucking creepy and heart wrecking at the same time.

I'm teary eyed writing this, I always think of how much more I could've learned from him, all the things I never got to ask him.. How I never got to thank him for everything he showed me. I had a dream with him once, I knew he was dead in the dream... "But Ralph you died" — I know "what's heaven like?" — it's cool, we need more chairs though, kinda crowded.. we laughed. And I woke up crying. 

Today makes 8 years since he left earth.. I can only hope he watches over me quite often, I feel he does. I know if he was alive today he would be proud of me.. I mean I wouldn't be who I am today  with out him. 

Continue to rest in peace Ralph, you're very much missed. <3

Day 7.

7. That time you hit the snooze button too many times... 

I hate to be late. Doesn't mean I'm never late.. Better late than never, never late is better right? There's been plenty of times I hit snooze on alarms on life and on my phone... Never does me any good. I just prolong it. Which is more annoying than anything. 

The reason I press snooze is never good enough to make up for my procrastination if anything it just pushes me back... Those extra "5 minutes" of rest are never worth it. They end up costing me "20 minutes"... So I stopped pressing snooze. I set the alarms ahead of time now.. More like a reminder to start waking up, and no I don't press snooze.. When it's time it's time. I don't need any extra sleep, I've been sleeping for far too long.. In more than one sense. 

I have to be fully awake. Even if I doze off, once that alarm rings.. Instead of pressing snooze... I just go.

Shit real.

What else new? 

But it's just some things on my mind... 

I don't try to rush things, all in due time I remind myself but I can't deny that I'm curious as to where things are gonna go with certain situations/people. I just try to pay as close attention as I can to the signs.. I'm pretty good at that. It often shows that I do, people always seem to notice. 

Things are changing as always, and I just seem to be getting better thankfully. I'm almost ready. I feel it. These next two weeks I'm going to do everything in my power to make something I been dying to do, come true. I have all the pieces minus one or two, I just need to put them together. This project is very crucial to my master plan and the time is approaching. 

Speaking of approaching, people don't know how crucial the approach is in every human interaction. I noticed this, and am constantly reminded of this. Everybody doesn't react to things the same way you do. Everyone isn't going to like your approach. See me, watch how you approach me, depending on how you approach me determines how I treat you. Especially if you're approaching me inquiring about something. I'm very cautious on how I approach people because humans are easily offended. So easy to rub a stranger the wrong way if you act too familiar or too strange. I approach people based on how I read them. And in doing so it always works in my favor .. Pay a little attention, approach accordingly. 

Idk man, shit is real. 

And it's only getting realer. 

Day 6.

6. I spent my first paycheck on...

Honestly, I don't remember probably blew it in Victoria's Secret's pink section I was kinda obsessed with it when I was 17 .. I remember working at McDonald's my first job, so cliche right? Lol 

Anywho, thinking about this question made me think about all the paychecks I've received since then, and I clearly don't value money. I mean I value what I can obtain with it but the actual dollar? No. I spend it like I got a money machine at home. I buy whatever I want if I can afford it. I mean money is meant to be spent right? I'm trying to learn how to save but lord knows.... 

I've accumulated alot of money throughout my 4 years of working (various occupations, various wages) and if I would've saved it.. I would be balllingggg. Lmao nah not really but I could do a couple things with the money that would benefit me way more than all the material things I purchased with it.

As I get older, I'm becoming more wiser with my money.. I'm not as careless as I once was. I mean I still don't value it as much as people tell me I should.. I still suck at saving but I'm getting better. I try to make my paychecks count for something... So I don't get left with nothing. 

Day 5.

5. That awkward moment you outgrow your childhood best friend. 

I'm not one to have many friends, associates, yes. Friends no. I'm very private about my life and only a select few I allow in. And once you're in. You're in. If you out. There's no coming back. 

In 5th grade I met a girl who would become my best friend .. Sister even. Laverne to my Shirley. We would go to  each others house, pick each other up to go to school we were in the same classes in middle school.. Even in high school when we went to different schools, we still were close, closer even .. Everywhere I was, she was and vice versa. It was very rare you would see one without the other. We would rarely argue, our most heated disputes would be a difference in opinion on some topic, but nothing crazy. 

Then I went to college. I was excited, she seemed excited for me. She stood in the city while I embarked on a new journey. Now for those of you who never been away at college, time is different. College time seems like a lifetime. In my first two weeks alone I felt like I was there for two months. So in my two years away I've learned so much about myself and others .. My friends back home didn't visit me often while I was at school. Once or twice. But I understood, they had their own lives and jobs to tend to. We still kept in contact thanks to technology. Fast forward to when I came home.

My roommates earned a special place in my heart, I love those girls. We went through alot good and bad in our time at school, we lived together.. We grew extremely close. As a matter of fact, we're still very close. Anyway, I'm back home catching up getting readjusted to the city life, me and my bestfriend were still at it. I would include her in any activities with my "school friends" (as she would call them later on, which would annoy me) most times she would be down for the fun or not. I started noticing that the more I would try to include her she would exclude herself. She started finding reasons not to like them.. Okay cool. Here's where shit got real. 

We were at a friends house, and we were having a conversation.. And her comment on the topic threw me off. I looked at her like, what? It was what she said and how she said it, I knew I was in denial about this friendship. I knew we wouldn't be friends for long after that comment. It was just so negative and ignorant. And I looked at her wondering if she was always this negative. And she was. I never noticed because I swore I was positive enough for the both of us, she was more half empty, I was more half full. I thought as we got older she would become more positive. But she didn't. She actually got worse. Her attitude was disgusting. Everything was wrong, everyone always doing funny shit in her eyes.. Every fucking thing was a problem. And it became annoying. She had a temper as well. And soon she started lashing out at me, we began getting into more arguments about petty shit. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't that I was changing, we were getting older and there's so much more to see than just the hood. But she was so closed minded she couldn't grasp that. She started blaming my "school friends" for my behavior and the reason our friendship was on the rocks. When in reality, they had nothing to do with it. Everything I wanted to do, she was more than welcomed.. But her insecurities never allowed her to just come.. Her insecurities within herself made her delusional to the fact that I wanted to expand my horizons and have her there with me. But I was doing funny shit in her eyes. And I realized how selfish she was, everything was about her. I realized how jealous she was, jealous of me having other friends besides her. (In 9th grade we had a similar scenario when I befriended another best friend, who is still very much my friend today) her selfishness was the ultimate decision as to why I decided to end the friendship. 

For her birthday, I contacted an associate of mine who promotes at clubs.. He got me, her and our friend in at a strip club, VIP the works. This was her first time at the strip club she been wanting to go, she was my best friend.. Lets make it happen. We were having fun for the most part but at the end, shit got real. And all her concern was to make it home to her boyfriend. Disregard the fact I was extremely upset and she knew why, but did that phase her? Nope. Okay cool. I was pretty down and stressed that week. All her concern was, her. She didn't care about me or my problems. And it baffled me because I was always the first one to help her solve hers, I was the one she would come to when she needed to vent or advice. We got into our final argument (where I expressed how I didn't want parts of this friendship anymore) and she was furious, her true colors showed. She was cursing, threatening me talking all kinds of shit. Now this didn't phase me because I knew her better than she knew me. I knew she was hurt and this was her outlet. I knew she didn't know me as well as she thought, the moment she thought I was doing funny shit. I NEVER do funny shit to those I call my friends. Never did, never will. Here's my thing, she never wanted to talk about what was bothering her, she would avoid it. Act like its nothing but the minute I decided to end this friendship, half the truth came out. And only because she was angry. Clearly I made the right decision. I'm one to vocalize my concerns or troubles especially with friends, I expect the same from them. None of us are mind readers.

Thanks to social networks, I was proven that I was indeed right about ending our friendship. See, we probably could've overcame our differences and maybe have been friends again .. But now, nope. She was pregnant, she took it upon herself to take it to Instagram (she blocked me but we have mutual friends) to bash me. She painted this picture to people that we weren't friends because she was pregnant. -_- yeah, because your pregnancy is such a burden in my life I can't be bothe(red) with you. Lmaooo mad fucking petty. It didn't stop there, she would throw shots and subs about me, and when people asked her why we wasn't friends anymore or what happened, she made me out to be a bitch. And that's not a friend. Til this day I never speak ill of her, when I'm asked why we aren't friends I say, people grow apart or some stupid generic line about people growing apart so they can leave me alone. But for her to portray me in such a way that would have people looking at me funny was wrong. You don't do that to someone who you called a best friend, a sister.. And she wasn't worthy of a friend like me, I never throw anything I do for my friends back in their face. Shit I don't even bring it up. So for her to disregard every thing I've done every time I've been there when she needed me irritated the shit out of me, it shows she took me for granted. Wasn't appreciative of the friend she had in me. And If I'm such a bitch, if I'm so fucking selfish we don't need to be friends right? Right. 

Recently, I've been contacted through several friends on how they see her posting things about me and how she miss our friendship and she wish she could go back to the old days blah blah blah. Oooooh! I'm no longer a selfish bitch? I thought I wasn't shit? Lmao what happened? I called it though. I knew she would want to be friends again but her actions after we had our falling out is the reason I won't let her back in. A mutual friend to both of us hit me a few months ago asking if she could give her my number, just to clear the air because her delusion and my reality of the situation between us needed clarity, I chose to be the bigger person, despite me being fine with the circumstances, I definitely didn't need closure. But I told her it was fine.. She could give her my number. She has yet to call. And I know why, because in contacting me she would have to admit alot of things about herself that she may not be ready to admit. And that's fine. Whatever. I just know, I don't miss the friendship. The memories are fond and still close to my heart, I will always wish her well in all aspects and I pray she becomes a better person. But as far as us being friends? I just don't see it. 

It sucks because we were really good friends but sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles. 

Day 4.

4. I love/hate twitter because .....

I have this weird relationship with twitter. I love twitter. I hate twitter. I'll never leave twitter. No seriously, I'll probably never delete my account. I joined back in '09 a little before it changed and the beginning of what it has become was slowly brewing. Twitter today, is a social circus for the most part. Mainly because the world has caught on to how powerful twitter is. But there's ways to filter it. So it's fine I suppose. 

I love twitter because.... I can tweet whatever I want and it has become a thought catalog for my randomness and thoughts that never holds much value until I forget about them and someone RTs it from their favorites and I'm like oh shit, I said that? I was on to something. I love my followers, I follow some very comical, interesting, thought provoking individuals. I'm always laughing or thinking further in depth after glancing at my timeline. I love the connections twitter has made possible. I love how far a tweet can go, I love seeing conversations and relationships form between my followers that happen to follow each other as well. The promotional aspect of twitter that most use to further push their crafts in a non annoying factor. (Ill explain the annoying factors in a few) I love the dots that twitter connects. Through a simple RT, a mention, a follow, a DM so much positivity has come from it. I have a tendency to ignore calls and texts, when I'm on twitter. Its not that twitter is more important, its just I gotta get these tweets off and texting and talking just interrupts me. Being that I've been on twitter for a long time and I never really abandoned it and returned like alot of people I know.. I've been very observing of how it has evolved since I first logged on. Alot of people have use twitter as their platform and have been very successful since. Alot of people have found themselves on twitter, some created themselves .. Not always for the better. But those who have become better and it's documented  through twitter are good in my book. They're proof that people can change and that it takes time. Shit is real.

*disclaimer: the following things I hate about twitter I rarely deal with because I've filte(red) my timeline, got rid of all the bullshit but, thanks to the power of a RT.. Sometimes the bullshit slips right on to my timeline.* 

I hate twitter because... 

People who are attention seekers use this social network to gain as much attention as possible. It's annoying. They tweet about anything for the sole purpose of being RT'd or mentioned... Women do it in hopes of getting chose, men do it for the love of the hoes. Tweeting for reactions instead of just getting these tweets off like the rest of us. The women who are just sex experts and perfect women, yet lonely as ever. The men who bash these women yet chase after women like them in the streets like both these women aren't the same. The groups of people who brag so much about how great they are and what they think and how their thoughts are just way better than others because their opinions are facts once they press send. Those promoters that constantly send you links to their work, like 1. I didn't ask for this 2. You're being annoying now this the 5th link you sent me now I don't wanna click it at all. 3. It's always people that neverrrrrr speak to you but begging you to check out their work.. Fuck out my face. Oh, those people who feel the need to comment on every little thing.. Like did I really ask you? And those that get mad you igno(red) their comment to something that didn't need commentary .. And it's like, I thought you just wanted to get that off your chest.. You're expecting a response as well? Sheesh. You're asking for a lot. Those that ask for a follow back.. Um. No. Don't ask me to follow you back, don't tell me to follow you back. I don't like to be told what to do. People who I know personally in life but on twitter they're a different person. Which makes me wonder who's who? If tweets come from the mind, then your twitter account is your mind. No? Where these tweets coming from, if its not you?.. Your personality off twitter can't be real, your tweets will reflect that to a degree. No? Those "it's just twitter" types are annoying. It's not just twitter, when all someone has to base who you are, are your tweets. And yes you can say whatever you want. But in that freedom of speech, you pay for how you're viewed. You're painting the picture for us, a mental picture of how your mind works using twitter. Those who use twitter to put on maury inspi(red) shows, not realizing they're just embarrassing themselves. Oh I hateeeee argumentative twitter. I stay the fuck away from them. They wanna argue about every fucking thing and call it a debate. Debate this, why you care so fucking much? It's obvious you care you won't shut up about it. It's very annoying. But thankfully there's an unfollow and a block button.. And a mute button for the overly sensitive people who notice and care when you unfollow them. 

Speaking of, I love twitter more than I hate it.. I like to tweet and read tweets. Here's the thing though, I don't give a fuck about followers, idc who follows me and who doesn't. If I genuinely like your tweets I'll follow you. You don't have to follow me back, that's not gonna make me dislike your tweets, won't stop me from mentioning or RT'ing you. There's plenty of times I mentioned people on twitter and I don't get a response. It doesn't bother me bc I tweet to get it off my chest not for a response. I don't feel obligated to follow people back off the strength that they follow me.. What your tweets like? Lol that determines everything. Twitter has become this cyber highschool where everybody wants to be apart of the "cool crowd". And I don't care for any parts of it. I don't tweet for approval, I never needed acceptance from you outsiders (Rick Ross grunt) I just play the cut like I do in real life. Twitter is more of an enjoyable experience to me that way. 

– @OohCrissy

Visuals pt. 3

I rushed through the door..

"Vanity is my favorite sin.. Where I got that from?" — Devils advocate, of course. "Quick one aren't you?" 

She laughs.. 

She didn't even look up, she was rolling up. She was either always rolling up or smoking .. Always something to drink whether its water, wine or vodka. I take a seat, get comfortable. No need for introductions we already hit the point where hellos and small talk aren't needed.

— were you watching it last night? "No I just thought about that line" — is that what you want to speak on? .. I thought about it. "As a matter of fact I do" — well what about vanity? "Do you think it's sin?" — sin is perception. I roll my eyes, "Oh god" — god is perception as well. "Please don't start" we laugh .. — I think the sin comes from within, so depending on who.. Determines sin, but I don't think vanity itself is a sin. If anything it should be more of a virtue. "Same shit I was thinking" — why do you feel it's a virtue? "I mean the definition of vanity is excessive pride or admiration for ones appearance or accomplishments, worth but why wouldn't you take pride and alot of it in how you appear or your accomplishments, why wouldn't you feel you're worth much?" — many people prefer humble over vanity. "I'm humble when others comment on me and my work but I'm vain when it comes to me.. I know what I'm meant to be, I know my worth." — as you should. It's a great balance to have, humble and vanity. Many feel they can't be both, it's a tug a war .. Don't want to believe in themselves too much in fear of coming off as vain (which is always used in a negative tone) so they call it humble. But it's not humble. It's fear.. And some are just too vain, but there's no substance behind their vanity .. Just emptiness so their vanity is often frowned upon" 

I sat there letting everything fully register, the THC definitely made it easier. I realized I had the balance all along, I realized that my humbleness was the reason I haven't gotten as far as I should, and my vanity was the reason everything I did actually accomplished turned out amazing. What I love most about coming to see her, she never rushed a response after silence.. She let me figure things out mentally and speak when I'm ready. 

"People think I'm physically vain" — really? "Yeah they assume I am based on how they perceive me, it's wack actually" — I can imagine, for strangers to assume you're full of yourself and be certain of this without ever really attempting to get to know you is ironically vain of them. Although they're right about you in the wrong way. "Exactly! They assume my vanity is due to my physical appearance, when in all reality my vanity is a result of who I am, internally." — it's hard for people to see past the physical. "That's the problem with people today" — too many insecure souls sca(red) to dig a little deeper in others, the beauty in the physical intimidates those who put so much value on it, they can't see past it. They assume all of who you are stems from what you see when you look in the mirror. "But in that sense, its true .. only I look in the mirror a little different than others, when I look at me I don't see a face, I see my dreams, goals, future. My soul shining. That's my reflection" — and that's why you're special. You're one of the rare ones who acknowledge that the skin we're in is just that, skin.. Your facial features aren't how you define who you are, you let your soul define you. And at your age in this era, that is amazing. In a time where appearances are everything. You could careless how you look, you determine how you look by what you do, what you've done. "Damn.. You see my soul too huh?" — I be knowing. 

We smoked another blunt over some wine and discussed my plans. She was one of the few people I felt comfortable with talking about my future. She never tried to discourage me, I never felt she wasn't genuinely concerned or uninterested. She gave me even more great advice, that I promised to follow.. she knows I'm stubborn. 

But before I left she said something I'll never forget..

— don't let them humble you, humble yourself when you feel needed but ALWAYS be vain in your craft.. Never let them speak of you in vain.. You're the one. Everything you plan on being will come as long as you keep your humble-vanity balance. Only you can keep it. Don't let any outsiders adjust your balance. They don't know you like you. 

It hit me like sneaky liquor.

That's when I knew. 

Day 3.

3. The last person you kissed...

I'm smirking as the memory replays in my mind. 

We were walking, he was drunk and my bladder was full. 

We're making small talk when he stops in the middle of the block and says, gimme a kiss. 

I sta(red) for a few seconds..

"Stop playing, give me a kiss" 

He's so handsome, and his drunken state made him even more appealing. His aggressive nature made me melt as his hand around my waist pulled me closer to him.. I kissed him. His lips are so soft and it was nice.. Neat, a few lust taps before I said 'lets go'. I had to use the bathroom and I'm not one for PDA despite the fact that it was late and not a soul in sight. 

I love kissing. I won't kiss just anybody, I'm not sca(red) to turn my face if I don't want to kiss you. Lip locking, tongue kissing, lip biting and lip sucking. Alot of smirking in between, It's very easy for me to get carried away when I'm in that intimate zone.. I like kissing him. We kissed some more throughout the night, with more intensity and the same thought that crosses my mind like clockwork when I'm about to kiss a man popped up.. 'Why does he want to kiss me? My lips are so thin'. Lol every man I ever locked lips with always urged it, and their lips were always perfectly full... Fuller than mine, but they never seem to care that I barely have lips.. Kisses after kisses like its never enough. 

Kissing is just beautiful, it's like the transmission of intimate emotion. Anything you could possibly think of to say about how you feel towards someone will never beat the kiss. The kiss you plant on someone that says all your lips could never even begin to speak. You don't need to speak, the kiss spoke for you. 

I think of how I was kissed and what his kiss told me.. I liked it. I wouldn't say it was fireworks like the 4th of July but it was more of an electrical shock through my body as my lips touched his. His soft rough kisses with the intensity fueled by his desire for me had me on fire.. 

I can't wait to kiss him again. 

Day 2.

2. That time you got too drunk but now you remember ..  

Let me see... A time when I got too drunk..... Oh I remember now. How could I forget? But I did. 

I forgot my limit.. I forgot that I had four cups of some homemade cocktail in a red cup. I forgot how quick they sneak up, I forgot all the cheap strong liquor used for the punch, but it was pure juice on my tastebuds and I just threw it back like water. I forgot how numb my lips were .. I forgot I told myself no shots, but I had no recollection of that as we screamed "on 3!" For multiple shots. I forgot that I fell and bounced up quicker than a round ball. I do remember having fun at santucci's .. our church, we called it church cause every Saturday we were there faithfully, while using Sunday as the day to recover. And at church I forgot I was drinking, I got drunk some more. 

I forgot how I got home though.. I forgot that I waited 45 minutes for the cab to show up and I forgot how cold it was (which both was the norm for upstate). I forgot that I gave the cabbie a piece of my mind slurring each word as it left my numbed lips. I just wanted to get home. I forgot how I got in my apartment, probably my keys or with my roommates, I forgot how drunk they were. I was so drunk I tuned them out.. We probably rambled our usual drunken conversations but I forgot. 

I forgot the drunk texts I sent out that I didn't really mean but I was in another world, apparently an alternate universe. I forgot sitting on the bathroom floor with half my outfit on, hair tied up and my arms resting on the toilet seat.. I forgot that I threw up... A few times. I forgot what I had to eat until the remaining contents mixed wit the liquor my belly didnt want anymore in the toilet water reminded me. 

I forgot how I fell asleep. 

And it took me some hours, some days after I woke up the following day and a good look at my phone to fully remember. Lets just say, I never got that drunk again. I may have forgot but the pictures and memories that flooded back after won't let me forget. 

Day 1.

1. I had my first crush when ... 

He was a young Dominican tan thang. Lol smooth I swear.. I was in first grade, I always knew a smooth soul off rip. We kissed by the cubbies he pushed my curls out my face and I leaned in. I mean he was heading that way anyway, you don't just stand this close, caress my hair while looking in my eyes and not kiss me? I mean til this day I have yet to be in that zone and not kiss. Anyway. He was so cute. He was missing a tooth but his grin is fresh in my mind. I never knew his last name. Didn't really matter in first grade. I moved at the end of the year and switched schools.. I was crushed.. I always wonde(red) what he grew up to be. Whenever I'm in Harlem and I pass that school I wonder if I could recognize him if I saw him... Shit, all he gotta do is probably grin.

He certainly wasn't the last crush .. I'm the crush queen. Seriously. I crush on people for the weirdest reasons and I really won't say it or make it known, why? It rarely lasts. I think the thrill of the crush for me is that I think they don't want me. I swear they're out of my league.. Like they're too perfect, why would they even consider me as flawed as I am.. 

So when they want me back.. It can either be lustful, which means it was mutual we just weren't aware. Or it can be wrong, you were so into me you painted this picture you didn't want me to see initially and now that you know I'm on you, it's okay for me to see it .. But I don't like what I see... I end up feeling deceived. And I leave. 

But a crush .. A true crush for me is when I don't stand a chance. There's some forbidden unknown reason as to why I can't be with you but yet, your presence makes me blush.. That thrill of wishful thinking the crush is knowing it won't happen. The essence of a crush, when your heart is squishy and your butterflies are flittering in your gut; all while your face is poker championship game ready. 

John legend*. I'd say he's my current crush cause just the memory of his face makes me blush. He's so smart. Fineeeeee as a motherfucker. Think of John legend 6ft with a beard, athletic build light brown eyes... Smooth talker. For years I'd see him and we'd just sta(red) until we walked passed each other. I swear until I passed him my heart wouldn't beat. That's how it felt I took initiative years later.. We were hitting it off, the more I spoke to him, the more intrigued I became.. Then I backed out like a punk and lost all contact.. I haven't even bothe(red) trying to reach out, his fine ass probably deeply involved. He's literally a catch, I know some girl pressed up where I slipped up. But he's still my crush and it crushes me that our paths haven't crossed again.. And if we do and that crush feeling still there well... We'll see. 

August.

4 months left of 2013. 

The heat turning up .. August usually the hottest month in the city. And I plan on making it hotter. Last month was productive. This month will be more than that. I laid out a new timeline for myself. Deadlines that extend into 2014 but for the rest of this year, I'm working. Really working. And as I knock down each deadline, all the deadlines will play into each other quite nicely.. I'll have no problem meeting all of them. A lovely domino effect.

I want to enjoy the rest of my summer and prepare for fall.. Time is coming. Shit is real. 

I'm also gonna do a 30 day writing challenge for the month. A writer I follow is behind it. And I liked the topics, its always good to exercise my writing skills. So that should be fun. 

I'm pretty amped. I am way more organized and I just keep getting better and more wiser by the day. I know where I go wrong and am making it right without feeling the need to completely stop. Certain setbacks don't even feel as such, if anything they feel like its all apart of the plan, life's plan. I'm just trying to ensure that my plan coexists peacefully with life's plans. Aware of the signs, aware of the time. Ironically I don't need to look at the clock to know what time is.

AugLust ... A smoking hot month ahead.