I've been frustrated lately.. Every now and then it happens, I haven't realized my goals and that can get frustrating. I remind myself of where I will be. What I will accomplish, listen to 1230am interlude (which is positive thoughts on "wax", which is another reminder as well.. It's sitting in my notepad, once upon a time I could only read it.. Now I can hear it. So ill. Much love to Juan for that) and remain positive.
But as positive as I am... As optimistic as ever, sometimes I have to bash myself. Overall as a person, I'm content with who I am. But in life, I'm not even remotely close. I'm nooooo way near where I feel I'm supposed to be. I guess the place I would feel would be home, in all aspects. And I can't tell you where I feel I'm supposed to be; just know, when I get there, you'll know.
I mentally fuck myself up, taunting myself like bitch this not what you want? So why you still here? .. I force myself to answer questions I would never have to with people, more often simply because they don't ask. Those conversations rarely come up, and even when they do.. I'm vague about it, honest, but vague. I know me, I know the soft spots. So I gotta ask me, I gotta be that bully that keep poking at the sore spots until I stand up to me. And it's a win win. When I do it... The breakdown is nasty. But it's needed. I realized that. I tend to hold things in.
I really don't like to complain, I feel complaining is very annoying. And I feel complaining is discussing things that bother you that you can fix over and over with no visible effort to change it. That's annoying. And usually the time spent speaking on it, could be spent actually fixing it. It's one thing to elaborate on your problems and seek help but when you're like me, I feel all my problems stem from me.. So I gotta look in. You can't see that deep. Life itself helps me understand alot more about who I am and who I'm not.
I feel I have alot of components, like alot within me. And in order to really become who I'm truly meant to be, I have to get them all aligned and awaken me out this nightmare I have to deal with. Because it is a nightmare, and I'm ti(red) of dreaming. I know exactly what I want.
My little sister asked me yesterday, "what's the difference between being closed minded and knowing what you want"?
I thought about it, "you know what you want after you conside(red) your options and made the choice; if you're closed minded, you wouldn't had conside(red) any other option".
I really know what I want, and it frustrates me that people don't understand as to how far an extent I'm talking about.
But that's my fault.
And I realized why its my fault.. But lord knows I'm working. Every day I'm working in all senses. Building up my endurance, I'll always get stronger. The weight on my shoulders heavy, but I refuse to buckle.
I watched Kanye's latest interview on BBC radio, and I must say.. I loved it. Idk if its because we're the same sign or just both great (his great already known) but he was talking some real shit. I think about shit like that all the time... I peeped game and I'm not even in the game so for him to be in the game, speak on it and prove accuracy to my beliefs really boosted my positivity levels. Great reassurance that I truly know what the fuck I'm talking about. And I bet my life on it, he was being vague. Shit get way deeper than that. It's deeper than rap. Lmao and little shit like that seem like pure signs to me. I was beating the shit out of myself the other night and as I released my frustrations and awakened self realizations, came to terms with what's going on and what's next... I felt better. I pulled out my reminders and got back to the focus, the mission.
Then that interview popped up, nigga .. That's a sign. Also Drake's Chelsea lately and Ryan seacrest interview I happen to catch earlier that day as well. I'm so proud of drake lol idek him personally. But I've been a fan since degrassi, and am more than fond of his musical catalog. He's up. He really came up and to have watched the journey on the low, I'm happy for him. I remember when google thought I meant Drake Bell, they don't get it confused anymore. He's certainly very inspiring, to me at least.
Subtle reminders like that, seeing people (not just the two I named above) live out their dreams, are more than inspiring.. It's motivating. The world is full of reminders that anything is possible and all within in your reach, if you just reach. Living proof that limitations are a mental cage. And you ironically, hold the key and lock.
Shit real.
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