I often wonder, what I'm in things for .. Is it the convenience of a situation? Do I like the idea of a situation? Or do I like the person, so any situation is fine as long as I'm with this person? On the other side of the coin I wonder ... Do I find things wrong purposely in my subconscious to cut things off before its gets too serious? Is this just something to do when there's nothing to do? Am I just being honest and saving time? Or am I just a selfish bitch who allows people to fall for me with not even the slightest intention of catching them? Am I so caught up with my visions that I can't see what's in front of me and its full potential.. But do I even care? Is the full potential even good enough for me? And who the fuck do I think I am? "Is it good enough for me?" Am I good enough for it? Well... That's how some make it appear.
I often have very awkward conversations. And I believe it's only awkward if you make it that way... So I just hold it down. It looks normal on the outside. But for me on the inside; It's awkward as shit. I don't like putting a time frame on things but I certainly become uneasy when men move too fast .. Emotionally.
It always catch me off guard because the cool calm and collect ones are usually the ones who get caught up easily in a short time. I'm very guarded especially with emotions so it takes me about twice as long to really fall for someone.. But when you're 5 steps ahead of me on the emotional tip, I kinda shut down. Ima little mean and I distant myself. I have to be this way to prevent you from really throwing yourself all in so soon.. Especially when I don't know if I'm in this for as long as you have in mind. I make this clear though. Slow down. We're just getting to know each other. Be easy. But that goes in through one ear and out the other. The reality of the usual outcomes is certainly not in my hands. Just results of them not taking my words seriously.
See, despite how different us females can be from each other .. Men think we're all alike mentally (categorized by their experiences) I'm truly a fresh of breath air to some .. I really mean what I say and I say what I mean, you don't gotta decode what I say or try to figure it out, I'll let you know and clear any confusions. But see, first meeting. A man will think he got me figu(red) out.. Until he realize I'm really not like anybody he's dealt with. And usually when he comes to this realization, he's deep in lust .. A nigga will swear he falling in love. Nah. Deep infatuation, yeah. slight obsession? Maybe. Now emotions take over and the pressure on me. Smh I don't like pressure on me by men, their form of pressure is usually ultimatums..and begging.(lmfao niggas really crazy) and men don't know how to not take anything personally when their emotions are involved. I catch myself treading lightly with my words. Not sugar coating. That only makes things worse. I've learned my lesson. But light enough to spare feelings and heavy enough to get my point across.
Men have this idea of what they think I am and how I fit like a cookie cutout in their life, perfectly. And sometimes I'll play that role.. If I see fit. And if I don't, I won't play it. It's not right. I don't care how into me a man may be, I won't be who he wants and needs me to be for him if its not me and I'm not even that into him to begin with. And crazy part is, some have the potential to make me fall .. But they turn me off with their rushed emotional demands and questions of my lack of emotions. I understand if we're years in but when we're in the beginning stages, it's such a turn off when I still haven't decided if I wanna take you seriously and you're making plans for us, without consulting me.. Like I'm with it. And I'm not.
But if I am.. He can have the world if I can reach it. That's the beauty of mutual feelings. You don't have to bring out what's already there. No force.. Just feelings flowing as freely as air. Nobody asking for it, it's there. It shows. But the worst thing you can do is assume I'm with whatever just because you are.
I guess it comes along with something I noticed as well. I prefer men older than me, more well rounded. (Im not above the man my age with a man mentality, but they're rare) I tend to attract reti(red) dogs. Men who in their youth, were probably the scum of all scum. Good guys within, animalistic on the out. Dogged wild bitches out, really didn't give a fuck, played with bitches feelings etc etc. now present day, they're lonely. (karma) They're longing for the same companionship they rejected while they were out exploring the field. They done ran the streets, now they wanna build a home and be serious. Finally. They know what they want, they see that in me... But I don't see that in them as quickly as they do.. maybe my age is a factor.. Maybe I just don't see it in them.
Despite me being "young" I know EXACTLY what I want. And to pretend you are that when you're not is pretty awkward. When I give chances, I give full chances to see if you in your natural state is what I need. I really don't like to state requirements (just pay attention) its like a cheat code. All is fair in love and war. Won't have you sweep me off my feet just to realize that was it just a strategy move to trap me. And by trapping, I mean having me fall under false pretenses .. And I'll have no one to blame but myself because I gave you the ammo. So nope.
I am rather difficult, but nothing worth having comes easy (insert smirk)
Blah blah lol
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