Questions.

I have alot of them, I ask alot of them .. Mostly to myself.

I always wonder if someone truly cares.. I ask myself this among other things that vary with person but it always clears my mind about a few things.

Does this person bring up things you've talked about ..including follow ups?

In conversation are the topics more about them?

Do they ask if you're okay or how you're doing more often than not?

When you're not okay, how comfortable are you talking to this person about your problems?

If you're not comfortable, is it because you feel they don't care?

How supportive are they are your ideas or goals?

Do you even feel comfortable discussing your goals with this person?

Do you ever feel like they're brushing you off in conversation or switching subjects to where it's their turn to speak on a subject they've chosen?

Do you feel this person is genuinely concerned (refer to genuinely in the dictionary to avoid any confusion)?

How does this person approach you?

What's the main subject of every introductory conversation?

How beneficial are you to this person and are they aware?

Do you feel you need this person more than they need you?

Do you feel you're appreciated?

.. These are just questions you ask yourself to find insight.. How you react to your realizations is on you.

Images of women; The Wife.

I'm not married. I don't know if I'll ever get married. Not because I don't think I'll find love or am not worthy of proposal, but because I don't know what life has in store for me, I can't rule anything out. But I've thought about it. I'd be lying if I said I haven't mentally thought out an imaginary wedding or two. Lol I even know who I'd get to design my wedding dress, if I were to get married and the designer still alive. Marriage is serious to me. The concept of marriage rather..

The union of two people who make the conscious decision to stand before their god's place of worship and become one. One life from here on out, through up and down, thick and thin. We're gonna ride it out til the last stop: the cemetery .. And maybe the after life. Love is our driver, trust and lust are also passengers. That's fucking deep.

I wonder how many more marriages would've worked if divorce was never an option? ..

What people done to the image of marriage is honestly a disgrace.
Married for the wrong reasons.
Not understanding the concept of the union of marriage.
Half of the people who get married get divorced.
50%.
Half of y'all get it right..
or just hold it down, silent but miserably.

What goes wrong? I always wonder. How could you have been so sure at the alter but a few months, years later you want to call it quits? What happened? Infidelity, trust issues, financial issues, insecurities, realizing you have no idea who the fuck you ended up with are all possible scenarios. And there's probably a million more, like I said I'm not married, not divorced so idk. But I noticed something.. People forget their roles, or don't allow their spouse to play their role.

The wife role.
Whether you're legally married or just married by love you become a wife to your husband. You're united as one. Team effort. Co defendant. Best friend. Everything. Atleast that's how I see it. See, back in the day... You were assigned a husband, then you learned to love him. And many many women did. I've spoken to women who were wed through arranged marriage and many said they weren't initially in love with their husbands but as time progressed they grew to love them.. So if they can make it work, why can't us women, in today's society where we can find who we love, and then get married make it work? Maybe because divorce is an option. I personally, feel if I put your ring on my finger .. You're gonna have to pry it off my bones after you dig my grave up. Only because I feel divorce is for people who weren't aware of what they signed up for and they don't want any part in trying to fix it. Fuck that. We're done. I'm ready to sign them paperssss (usher voice lol).

Maybe I'm bugging for not considering divorce and maybe, my opinion will change as I get older. But I really won't marry anyone that I don't genuinely consider spending the rest of my life with. That type of commitment means to me, I'm so in love with you, I'm willing to let you take the wheel every now and then, I trust you with my life and I handle yours with care. I don't have eyes for anyone else but you. Everything I do, is done with you in mind, considering your feelings. Including you in every aspect of my life you may find interesting as I will do the same to you. Respectful enough to give you your space as you do mine. Everything is done 50/50. I let you be the man and have no problem being your backbone making sure you straight.

See the role of the wife has been distorted. I can admit the way some men have abused and taken the wife for granted has certainly has alte(red) our mindset.. The days where women slaved for her man and was happy with him just eating dinner on time are over. Now women want more, they want power. Ti(red) of feeling useless from being used. And that's understandable. But remember who you're with.

And remember the Triple Cs; Compromise. Communication. And Consummation. All three are key.
Nobody's a mind reader, you can't always have your way .. And your man wants to get laid. Stop playing.

Don't get lazy. You're his wife. Be his wife. Don't strive to be the trophy, be his gold medal.. Trophy gets dusted and touched when company around.. Stays on the shelf for admiration.. Boring but beautiful. The gold medal, hangs around his neck proudly tapping against his chest close to his heart, kept protected underneath jackets. So special only gets flaunted on occasion. May sound dumb to some, but you gotta be a little different to understand my metaphors.

Anywho, once you accept the role as a wife you have obligations to fulfill. Not because you have too. But because you want too, as his wife you want to see him happy. I mean if not? Why would you be with him? There's no such thing as being selfish in a fully committed relationship. If you are, you're not fully committed. I think that's where some women fuck up, they're still selfish.. Gotta take care of me cause if I don't who will? Umm you're husband. Duh. The purpose of you taking well care of him is because he takes such great care of you. And if he isn't. Sweetie, that's not your man. Don't be the woman playing the wife role to a guy who isn't worthy of you.

Just because you wanna play the role doesn't mean you have to play it for any guy giving you attention or you're deeply infatuated with his potential. That's alot to invest in, don't waste your time. And also pace yourself.. You wanna reel a man in or keep it fresh with your spouse do spontaneous things in doses. Every now and then never hurts. Never give too much but just enough to have him wanting more. That's all. A man just wants to feel like there's more to you. He feels he knows all there's to know about you.. Bo(red)om soon come. Yawnnnnn.

I won't speak on how to handle specific problems like infidelity in marriage/commitment, every cases varies.. And I'm not like everyone else. But if you as a wife, stay after infidelity you gotta let it go. Move forward. Harboring the ghost of his mistakes in your home will never make it right, if anything it will ruin whatever you had left of your relationship. If you truly can't let go.. Just leave. If not. Stfu. And moveeeeeee onnnnnn.

Fuck conventional. Marriages and the wife role. Don't do what everyone else do. What works for them, may not always work for you. You know your man, he married/committed to you for a reason. Don't feel like you have to become this different person because you're married now. As you and your spouse grow, you should always try to keep the spark that got you both started in the first place lit. Keep them fireworks sparkling baby girl. Being his wife should always make you proud and you should always be happy or smiling, even when he's annoying you.. Or you're going through something and he's making you laugh knowing shit is real, but it's just what you need to lighten up a little bit; as moments like that will remind you why you married/committed to this person.

A happy wife is a happy life. As long as your man is making you feel like the only girl in the world you should always make him feel like the king he is. If he isn't, it's your job as his queen to let him know he's slipping. Don't let it build up.. Address it with thought and patience. Don't expect change over night. It's not always gonna be sunny days, on the rainy days you should still be happy you're stuck in the rain with him. And just knowing that you're together through the storm makes the sunny days that much more sunnier. Lol I'm corny? Blah. You get the point.

There's no question about the submissiveness of a wife, you should have no objection to this because your man should make you feel so great that you won't even realize you've submitted, the transition was so natural. You both love each other dearly and are both willing to play the roles needed to secure your happiness. The trust is there most importantly.

Our roles as wives are more powerful than we think. It's more psychological than anything. Men need that nurture and care that wives provide. They've already got the obligations of being a man and everything that entitles that. Their tough personas needs that female gentle touch. They can achieve much more with a great woman behind them. Pushing them, encouraging them. Rubbing their back and telling them it's okay when they've had a bad day. Making their favorite dinner after they've accomplished a goal they've been so excited about. Following up on things they've expressed interests in, showing them you care as much as they care about our interests and projects. It's really common sense. But most women try to force these things with the wrong men instead of waiting for the willing instead of the stubborn. Don't ever try to change a man, rather help him grow to be a better man because he makes you a better woman. It sounds easy.. But everything is easier said than done. When it's all said and done, every woman has the potential to be an amazing wife to the right man.

And to those who feel they've played the role time and time again to no avail.. Don't let that bring you down. Those other men were just practice lol the right man is out there. Looking for someone just like you.. And you have no idea. Life is funny like that.

Restraint.

Lord.. A gift and a curse restraint is.

To be able to keep your composure when you don't want to, is a gift. A curse when you need to let loose and you don't.

My self restraint is stronger than the hulk is when mad. Idk where I get this sense of control from .. Maybe it's from seeing people make a fool of themselves by not holding it together when they should. Maybe I'm sca(red) of what could happen if I lost control. I honestly don't know what I'm capable of. I would hate to lose control and regret my actions later. Times when I feel I should let loose, I still don't. My restraint won't allow me to. Idk if that's instinct and I choose the wrong times to want to let loose. But I hold it down, my composure doesn't crack. At all. I'm starting to think this is more harmful to me than helpful. I haven't quite maste(red) how to turn my restraint on and off whenever I please.. Shit I have a hard time turning it off to begin with.

I need to get that figu(red) out quick. When I get word vomit I swallow it back down. I don't speak. Maybe that's wiser in the long run.. Depending on the scenario. But holding in shit bothers me. Bothers me even after I know I should've said something but by then it's too late. To me anyway. I hate to bring up something I should've been addressed. And that's my fault every time. So what I do when that happens? I charge it to the game. I write it down. I address it exactly the moment it's brought up again... Because believe, it will get brought up again.

Sometimes my restraint helps me in ways I don't understand until time has run it's course. For that, I'm always thankful. Right now, idk whether or not my restraint just helped or hurt me.. I guess time will reveal all right?

Lord patience is a funny bitch

Images of women; The Mother.

Back in the day, Wayyyy back. You were a wife first .. Then came motherhood. You couldn't be a mother without being a wife. And should a woman bare a child with no husband she was looked at as a whore. A Jezebel, out casted by her family and friends. How dare you bring a child into this world without being married. What were you doing fucking and you're not married? .. That was then.

Now, 2013 there are way more mothers than there are wives. Sad but true. I only say sad because as little girls, you wished marriage and family .. Not raising kids alone. But times have changed..

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Out of 12.2 million single parent families in 2012, more than 80% were headed by single mothers.

A mother is one who nurtures, loves and guide her offsprings into life.. A mother's job is never done. No matter how old your kids are, you're their mother. Now I'm not a mother.. Yet. But being a female and having been raised by my mother, seeing mothers throughout my life; I have a certain standards I place on mothers. How I feel mothers should be. How I feel I'm going to be when I'm a mother. There's no exact right or wrong way to raise a child.. Well there are wrong ways. But you know what I mean.

I feel some women have babies for the wrong reasons, some to be spiteful, some because they want to prove they can when deep inside they know they can't, some because they feel they've reached their limit at the chop shop (abortion clinic). Whatever the reason may be, once the child is born.. Shit is real. And many do it on their own. Some struggle, some don't. Depending on how much help is given to them.

The father plays a huge part whether or not one wants to acknowledge it. If our creator really wanted us to raise kids alone we'd be asexual. I don't think anyone should raise a child alone. I mean if you have to, then you have too but I think kids are a handful and having both parents equally playing their part in a positive way really is key.

I'm ti(red) of hearing about these "ain't shit niggas" and how many deadbeats are around. But that's the mothers fault. Why? "Omg how can you say that" fuck that. It is. I'm not laying down and allowing a man who I think isn't worth shit fuck me.. let alone raw, why are you settling for these ain't shit niggas anyway? Why would you play pregnant roulette with a man who you can't even get to commit to you? You know he ain't shit. You know he's no good but yet your simple ass laid down and took all his kids inside you and yelled recess... Now, to be fair some women get conned. Their man plays this perfect role for them and once they announce their pregnant they see the perfect man illusion they had crumble and see him for who he really is, by then it's too late. I understand. Shit happens. Do better research on your men ladies. You don't want to be that woman. Find the man that will be the best father ever not the man who you think you love and he doesn't even like kids. Don't play yourself, pick your plays and play it right.

But the kid is here now. And I see too many girls with babies. I say girls because women handle their responsibilities and girls with babies don't, they push their kids on their family abusing the help that's offe(red) to them. Some of them only kept the baby so the father could stay and now that he didn't.. They don't want anything to do with the baby. But of course you won't know any of this because all the social networks show something different (some bitches spend more time taking pictures with their kids than they actually do raising them.) the mothers are getting younger and younger and the grandparents become the parents. And that's not right. Bitches out here running wild chasing niggas down, partying it up and they can't even tell you what did their child learn from school. Shit some of them don't even teach their kids how to read or write, or speak properly or manners. It's sickening. For that you should've just gotten an abortion or conside(red) adoption. I don't get how people don't believe in abortions or shit like that but they don't believe in condoms or birth control either. Some just askin to get pregnant.

To me, once you become a mother you gotta alter your life. It was once about you, but now it's your kid THEN you. Your child should always be your first priority. You have to accommodate your lifestyle to fit your child's needs. Your job isn't to raise them til they're 18 and push them out the door hoping they can fly. Nope. Your job is to prepare them for the real world but allow them to explore things on their own, while you stand aside and step in when you feel they're slipping. That's very different from hovering or smothering. You have to give your child space, space to grow. Your role as a mother plays a big factor in how they grow up. To ensure they are well prepa(red) for the real world is all that should concern you. Despite parents wanting their kids to stay babies forever, they don't. They become adults. You have to help them transition into that. I know the world is scary but sheltering your children isn't the answer. I've seen many people product of shelte(red) environments, its like throwing a baby deer into a cage full of wolves. It's a balance that has to be maste(red) and with each mother-child it varies. But as long as you know your kids as well as you know yourself (hoping you know yourself well) you should be fine.

My mother. I love her to death. I love her so much I don't speak ill of her to anybody but her. Me and her have a different kind of relationship. She may have made mistakes, some in which I've paid for. And despite all her flaws I can never take away that she's my mother. And she's always been my mother. She raised me and my siblings mostly by herself (step-dad got deported when I was 10). She never complained about it she just did what she had to do. I thank her for her life lessons. I really am the way I am today because she always encouraged my curiosity and fed my mind. She taught me how to read or write before I even was enrolled in school. There's so much I thank her for and there's things I hate her for. I wrote her a letter. Won't disclose the details but she read it today and the conversation held after that, is the main reason I love her.

I can wait for motherhood. I'm in no rush. I want to be fully committed to starting a family when I have kids. I am looking forward to that experience though, maybe I'll write my mother another letter.. I heard you understand your mom better when you become one yourself. There's certain things I want to embed in my kids, certain ways I want to raise them.. Things I want to do with them. Everything I wish I ever knew as a kid, my kids will know. They will be twice, if not three times the person I am. Motherhood is a blessing. Despite how you got there or how it happened. It's certainly a blessing to bring life into this world and be apart of raising and co creating a life that will change the world. God bless the mothers of today and the future mothers.

Here's a link for mothers or mothers to be;
Thanks Forbes,

Money lessons for your kids: What they should know by age 5,10 &15 http://t.co/baSNDnrb2k

Back to reality.

I try to be in the moment as much as possible. After all, all we have is a moment. A second later, it's the past.. A second after is the future.

The reality of things settled in, and I really gotta turn it up. Especially if I want to continue in the moment. There's certain mistakes I keep on making, like I don't learn.. My stubbornness is definitely a big factor. I question everything even after I have an answer. I question myself all the time just to make sure I'm aware.

Which got me to thinking...
There's a fine line between delusional and determined.

How the fuck can you know the difference when you're in the moment? It's only until the end when we see if it was determination or pure delusion on our part.

I feel I'm determined as fuck, but I tread that line carefully.. I don't want to become delusional. I try to stay as focused but still aware of reality. Because expectations and reality don't always go hand in hand. Word to Tom Hanson.

I have alot of expectations, but reality hasn't quite caught up yet. But you think that's gonna break me? Nope. I just gotta work harder, change some variables and pray I'm satisfied with the results.

I'm aware certain shit is out of my control, trust .. I get enough reminders of that. And although I wish I had more control I just gotta focus on what I can, and make sure that's REALLY under control. Ya know? I'm trying to stay afloat, no matter how much weight I carry or gets thrown on my shoulders.. I won't allow myself to drown.

On another note, I'm really getting better. Noting what I need to improve and improve what I already feel I'm good at.

It's all about progress.

Images of women.

Through out time the images of how a woman should be, act, speak has evolved. We know what it used to be, but what has it become? what will we be as time progresses.

When I did attend college, one semester i took up Women in literature, great class. I learned alot about how us women are percieved by others on a larger scale and how that affects who we become, who we are. The every day expectations and obligations put on us to be women, but there are so many different opinions on what makes you a woman, and to act accordingly. But according to who? Ourselves, men, the public, our children? All of the above?

As a young woman, who is currently still evolving into the woman I'm meant to be, I glance around at my "peers" and damn. It's a sad sight. Alot of females in my age bracket have lost complete sight for what a woman is, how she should carry herself, what she should stand for.. Bitches these days don't know what they standing for they just heard YASSSSS and had to stand up and follow suit. They have no morals, or standards. They're chameleons with men, changing who they are with each new man that enter their lives. Whatever it's their lives, who am I to say they're living wrong?
That's not what I want to discuss.

I want to do a series of posts following the image of a woman. Of course it would be my image, how I see it fit. See in my women in Literature class, the text book was; images of women in literature, fifth edition to be exact. It's a bunch of poems, stories of women writers about woman roles. And it's really good. So good, I kept the book. I often re-read stories every now and then.
The book is broken down like this.

Images of women;
The wife.
The mother.
Woman on a pedestal.
The Sex Object.
Women without men.
II -The women becoming.

For my own observational pleasure I want to add - Women today.

Stay tuned.

Oh, bitch.

As a female, I'm very aware of how catty and petty bitches can be.

I'm not aware of how people perceive me, I'm too consumed with how I'm perceiving myself. Idk what vibe I give off or how I look to others. But it's always some type of hostility or secret animosity with females. Not every female, but majority of my life it's always bitches that really can't stand me but try to be my friend.. I guess I missed the Girly memo that we could hate each other but still be friends cause I was outside playing manhunt with the boys. But I don't get that.

I never understood jealousy. My mother always embedded in me that I never need to be jealous of anybody or anything they possess because just like they're who they are, look how they look, have what they have .. I am who I am, I look like this, I have what I have.. no one is like me. Same way no one is like them. She made sure I understood every one is different. And god blesses us in different ways to accommodate how special each of us are. To envy someone because of how God blesses them is wrong, you don't know what that person goes/went through. But apparently not everybody understands that.

Females are veryyyyy spiteful and competitive and it's like for what? To feed your insecurities? To gain a mans attention? A combination of both? Idk. Shit is just not cool. That catty shit isn't for me. I guess that's why I never really surrounded myself with a bunch of females.. It's really inevitable. The gossiping, back stabbing, spiteful envious behaviors .. Miss me with all that.

What really kills me is people swear I think I'm all that and it's wtf? I think I'm all that because....? You get the urge to speak to me and you feel it's taking me too long to approach you? Bitch say something then, if you wanna speak don't wait on me. I do keep to myself alot and that's because I'm always thinking and trying to figure things out. But I always speak when I'm spoken to.. And I'm always cordial. So what's really the problem?

And here's the thing. If I can tell you don't like me, I won't try to gain your approval. I don't give a fuckkkk (smokey voice) but don't be mad at me because I see through your phony smiles and choose to just keep it cordial and cut the corny shit. No need to be overly friendly. Bitch please.

Oh and there's the bitches that really down talk you when you're brought up to include herself in the conversation .. Oh you mad because I don't gotta be present and I'm brought up anyway? Oh, bitch.

See, I guess because I don't praise myself publicly or boast people tend to put me on a secret pedestal (some not so secretly) and often speak very highly of me when I'm not around of course.. And I guess it might get annoying for some after awhile, to keep hearing the same comments about me from different people and you're barely even looked at and you been trying so hard to get noticed.. That seems upsetting. I get that. But don't try to throw me under the bus or downplay me because you feeling intimidated. Don't compare us, we're not the same. Don't upset yourself at things that are outta your control. And I'm one of those things. I think to even compare yourself to someone like you're in a competition is stupid if you're not competing for something. And don't ever think we're competing for something because I only compete with myself. Even if there's said competition.. I'm my biggest rival.


That shit is corny. Instead of focusing on you and your own battles you wanna create imaginary ones with me, you won't even win those .. All you doing is losing time you could never get back and worrying about me, who I can guarantee isn't worried about you. Get it together.

Worry about yourself. Damn.

Free.

Shit real.

Like really real.

I'm really positive that with the events that have been unfolding. The time is now. All I see is signs. I'm just following them trusting I'll get closer to my goal, my dreams. Making them concrete reality. I've been patient, even though I may have tried to rush things.. The universe didn't hesitate to put me in my place and said ... Wait. Just wait. And when one door close, the other opens. And some doors are opening just as others are slamming shut. And instead of being upset, I am surprisingly happy that certain doors are slamming shut. I don't have to turn back. This may be the force I needed to really push me forward. I don't have to look back .. There's no reason to. And like I told myself back when I was at rock bottom, it's only up from here. I ain't going back down. That's not happening, I hated that feeling of feeling lost, helpless, confused, frustrated.. Just fed up. And though I don't dwell on the past I keep those emotional memories fresh, to keep me going .. Keep that in mind to remind me of where I don't want to be. And keep fueling me to where I need to go. Where I belong. I feel a sense of freedom I never felt before. And it feels excitingly awesome.

Just going to continue playing the cards I dealt with properly.. Continue making moves and ensuring every step is strategic.. life is chess, never checkers.

Awkward - (relationships)

I often wonder, what I'm in things for .. Is it the convenience of a situation? Do I like the idea of a situation? Or do I like the person, so any situation is fine as long as I'm with this person? On the other side of the coin I wonder ... Do I find things wrong purposely in my subconscious to cut things off before its gets too serious? Is this just something to do when there's nothing to do? Am I just being honest and saving time? Or am I just a selfish bitch who allows people to fall for me with not even the slightest intention of catching them? Am I so caught up with my visions that I can't see what's in front of me and its full potential.. But do I even care? Is the full potential even good enough for me? And who the fuck do I think I am? "Is it good enough for me?" Am I good enough for it? Well... That's how some make it appear.

I often have very awkward conversations. And I believe it's only awkward if you make it that way... So I just hold it down. It looks normal on the outside. But for me on the inside; It's awkward as shit. I don't like putting a time frame on things but I certainly become uneasy when men move too fast .. Emotionally.

It always catch me off guard because the cool calm and collect ones are usually the ones who get caught up easily in a short time. I'm very guarded especially with emotions so it takes me about twice as long to really fall for someone.. But when you're 5 steps ahead of me on the emotional tip, I kinda shut down. Ima little mean and I distant myself. I have to be this way to prevent you from really throwing yourself all in so soon.. Especially when I don't know if I'm in this for as long as you have in mind. I make this clear though. Slow down. We're just getting to know each other. Be easy. But that goes in through one ear and out the other. The reality of the usual outcomes is certainly not in my hands. Just results of them not taking my words seriously.

See, despite how different us females can be from each other .. Men think we're all alike mentally (categorized by their experiences) I'm truly a fresh of breath air to some .. I really mean what I say and I say what I mean, you don't gotta decode what I say or try to figure it out, I'll let you know and clear any confusions. But see, first meeting. A man will think he got me figu(red) out.. Until he realize I'm really not like anybody he's dealt with. And usually when he comes to this realization, he's deep in lust .. A nigga will swear he falling in love. Nah. Deep infatuation, yeah. slight obsession? Maybe. Now emotions take over and the pressure on me. Smh I don't like pressure on me by men, their form of pressure is usually ultimatums..and begging.(lmfao niggas really crazy) and men don't know how to not take anything personally when their emotions are involved. I catch myself treading lightly with my words. Not sugar coating. That only makes things worse. I've learned my lesson. But light enough to spare feelings and heavy enough to get my point across.

Men have this idea of what they think I am and how I fit like a cookie cutout in their life, perfectly. And sometimes I'll play that role.. If I see fit. And if I don't, I won't play it. It's not right. I don't care how into me a man may be, I won't be who he wants and needs me to be for him if its not me and I'm not even that into him to begin with. And crazy part is, some have the potential to make me fall .. But they turn me off with their rushed emotional demands and questions of my lack of emotions. I understand if we're years in but when we're in the beginning stages, it's such a turn off when I still haven't decided if I wanna take you seriously and you're making plans for us, without consulting me.. Like I'm with it. And I'm not.

But if I am.. He can have the world if I can reach it. That's the beauty of mutual feelings. You don't have to bring out what's already there. No force.. Just feelings flowing as freely as air. Nobody asking for it, it's there. It shows. But the worst thing you can do is assume I'm with whatever just because you are.

I guess it comes along with something I noticed as well. I prefer men older than me, more well rounded. (Im not above the man my age with a man mentality, but they're rare) I tend to attract reti(red) dogs. Men who in their youth, were probably the scum of all scum. Good guys within, animalistic on the out. Dogged wild bitches out, really didn't give a fuck, played with bitches feelings etc etc. now present day, they're lonely. (karma) They're longing for the same companionship they rejected while they were out exploring the field. They done ran the streets, now they wanna build a home and be serious. Finally. They know what they want, they see that in me... But I don't see that in them as quickly as they do.. maybe my age is a factor.. Maybe I just don't see it in them.

Despite me being "young" I know EXACTLY what I want. And to pretend you are that when you're not is pretty awkward. When I give chances, I give full chances to see if you in your natural state is what I need. I really don't like to state requirements (just pay attention) its like a cheat code. All is fair in love and war. Won't have you sweep me off my feet just to realize that was it just a strategy move to trap me. And by trapping, I mean having me fall under false pretenses .. And I'll have no one to blame but myself because I gave you the ammo. So nope.

I am rather difficult, but nothing worth having comes easy (insert smirk)

Blah blah lol

Hmm... (Relationships)

I'm single in the romantic aspect. As much as I deny it I do get approached often, but rarely ever anyone that catches my eye or my ear or most importantly, my vibe. I've been told I'm picky and my standards are too high and I'm just unrealistic. But .... I really don't think so. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I demand of myself for myself and other people in my life aren't excluded.

I hate getting to know guys for these reasons, they get too open. (And I always think damn there's a girl who really wish he would act this way with her..same way I'm wishing he was someone else acting this way with me) they get open to all the possibilities they see with me and that's understandable. I am pretty awesome lol but I always feel like there's something missing. And whatever's missing is the reason I always let them fade into the background. I have this let them down easy routine down pact. It's hard for me to explain to someone who sees everything in me that I see nothing in them. And no matter how you try to phrase it, it's cold. Rude. Hurtful. Even if its not intended. It will wound some egos. I'm not tryna deal with that. As bitchy as it sounds. I'm not.

Actually, I do like someone, like genuinely like him .. But of course, I have no idea how he feels.. I mean I did .. But I can't say with certainty the feelings are still there. And it's complicated. Like everything else involving me. I think our timing is wrong, or maybe not. Now I'm not one of those females whose life stops the moment I fall for someone and I can't figure out where we're heading, if we're even going somewhere. I just keep it moving. I am a firm believer in "it'll happen if its meant to be" I say what I need to say and keep going. If I'm heard, proof will be printed as time goes on. And if I'm not. Atleast I didn't stop my world.

I'm just as easily turned on as I am easily turned off. I try to explain to men, just being you is enough.. And some still go overboard, trying to impress me is not flattering. It just tells me that you feel you isn't enough and you have to over do it to really seal the deal with me. Wrong. Wrong. They're always so wrong.

I appreciate and get so open (on the inside of course, poker face on outside) when men are comfortable in their skin and I like who they are.

A flaw I have, I really lose interest fast .. I don't jump from guy to guy to begin with but the few I do give just the time of day never last long. We run out of things to talk about .. Bad habits reveal themselves and I just fade into the background. I guess because I know what I'm looking for, I can spot what I'm not looking for so easily.. And I'm not into wasting my time or yours. So I won't. And in some cases people really won't let it go if they didn't end it or don't understand your reasoning. But it's not you, it's me. You're not for me.
I understand that, there's been situations where I thought I was right for someone and I wasn't. I can't force that and I certainly won't let anyone force that on me.


I guess it is weird.. Or I'm just really real.

Relationships.

Official. Unofficial. Business. Family. Friend. Lover. Fucker. They exist. They are apart of life, our journey with someone (long or short) is never the same as the last or the next. And that's a fact. Idc if you endure the same situations with different people. The people were different. It's different. That's it.

I try not to speak on relationships because I am really single in a lot of aspects, but I can't deny the relationships I have with people; no matter how unconventional it might be.

That being said as I get older I'm realizing effects I have on people and certain "relationships" I get myself into and out of. And I always.. Like everything else. Analyze the shit of it.

Lately, I've been more alert to how people react and act.. And I feel if I break down each relationship in my life I can answer a few questions I have for myself because now I'm getting down. Lol so there will be several relationships I touch that if read by some who "personally" (actual human contact) knows me might think I may be referring to them depending on our relationship. You might be right or wrong depending on the relationship. See I can be vague as fuck but specific enough to get my point across and an even deeper point within myself. Yeahh.. Lmao (I'm high don't mind me. I'm just trying to keep up with the thoughts)

Anywho. I feel like a bitch in some situations but I hate to feel like I have to pretend so I don't hurt feelings. I'm not good at pretending.. Lord knows I tried. If its not in me, it's not in me. I can't bring out what you're not making me feel. I'm sorry. I really am. It makes me feels a little sad sometimes lol I'm dead serious. I don't like to be a "bitch" bad guy. And I can never explain it.

How do you tell someone it just aint there? By saying that right?

Yeah, I repeat it over and over in my head and to some it's so easy to say and to others .. It's like looking at a puppy at the pet store (just take me homee O_O) and then they're the "crazy" ones who you never let get too close in the first place but they always wanna pop up and try their luck. There's the "what have you done for me lately" but can't name anything they've done for you. There's those "dream sellers" who get mad that you won't buy it. So they on you every time, just cause you the one that got away. There's those "you owe me" because in their mind they thought their role had such an impact on your life, you actually owe them something.. Go fucking figure. Lmao those are the funniest kind. Wait, let me not forget the "you gonna need me before I need you" yet ... Time ran out on their end and they're crawling back with their tail chopped off (walking with it in between their legs would be shameful and they ain't that low..) That ignorant pride. Lord. And then there's the "letsputyou downers" the ones that pick you up and tell you everything will be alright until it's time for them to go and it's okay letsputyoudown .. (Puppy at petstore eyes) even worse the ones (who despite your nagging inner voice telling you don't) fuck up every chance you give them even though last time was the last chance they were getting. I know, I know.

The one that you let get away because your pride was too high, shit you even got higher cause you realized you fucked up and you won't dare look back. Nah fuck that, idc (maybach O voice lmfaooo) or the one you're too prideful to even dare reveal how you feel, fearing the worst .. They don't feel the same.. Because they didn't say it first, they didn't show it first or maybe they did but you were in denial brushing it off as just wishful thinking. The ones that makes you feel like they're out of your league but you deserve them anyway. The ones you ain't realize what took you so long to see this person for how truly amazing/corny they were. The ones you wish you never met. And the ones you wish you met sooner. The ones who try to pull one over on you and got themselves stuck and the ones who picked you up when you're down and you ain't even know they was there.

You can find a lover, friend, family in any of these situations. After all it is a relationship. I can only speak on mine. A few deserve their own posts.

I'm really a different kind of person, I really like to be alone. I'll really curve hanging out or a date to stay home. I've done this countless times. Even now as I write this. I'm alone. Lol I do get my moments where I feel like going out or staying in with company, just being around people but it always seems like I leave somebody out. And it's like well I need mandatory me time but you can't explain that. People think you a weirdo. You just wanna be alone all your life? And it's like no, I just don't need anybody around to enjoy my own company. I like me way more than you anyway. And I'm still fighting a few wars in my mind about my life.. I think I gotta get that under control before anything else. Wouldn't you agree? (*dials*...hello? Yes, Bellevue?) that's probably what would happen.
But I digress.

Like I stated I can only speak from MY experiences. I can't tell you what's right or wrong.. I can only provide insight. And because of who I am the way people interact with me will always be different from someone else. There's no such thing as special treatment. Just different. Special is perception. And perception varies on view. So that varies on where you stand and who you looking from.. Who you looking for?(In some cases).


Think about that.

The oath.

The Entrepreneur's oath.

As an entrepreneur, I will aspire to inspire those who want to pursue an alternative path from the traditional. I will work to innovate and transform the impossible to possible. My reality is void from the confines of constricted thoughts and has no limits nor boundaries. I shape the future and create opportunities that can not be produced from the unimaginable mindset.

Friends.

How many of us have them?

I don't have many, but I cherish and appreciate mine so much. I have real friends. Individuals rooting for my success and genuinely caring for me. I've weeded out my fake friends, I had a few frenemies lingering around but they're long gone. I don't fuck with people who don't like me but wanna be in my face. I never understood that. Just scram if you dislike me. Just wanna know your business and find ways to fuck you over, those aren't your friends cut the ties while you have the chance.

People don't know how to be friends. They think simply calling someone a friend, taking silly pics and going out solidifies a friendship. A friendship to me is just like any other relationship; you need a connection, communication and a genuine care for one another.

A friend is someone you can count on, someone who's there when you need them in any way they can.. Someone who not only listens but by the end of the conversation, they've come up with a solution or some form of advice to help you. Someone who doesn't question your motives, but trusts you enough to know you wouldn't steer them wrong. A friend is great, they help you grow and you usually grow as friends as well. Motivating each other to reach goals and deadlines.

Every friendship is different but the above mentioned are key. I would include loyalty but that's more instinct than a trait you can obtain. And not everybody loyal. But I wouldn't advise continuing any relationship where the other party has no loyalty. They will fuck you over with no second thought. People who don't posses loyalty are extremely selfish to begin with.


My circle is pretty small. I have plenty of associates but very few I call Friends. But what I love most about my friends, they're more than that.. They're my extended family. I really thank god for them like I thank him for my family. My friends are the best. All different but with hearts of gold. They genuinely care about me, they know me very well. They motivate me, push me, drag me out the house when I don't wanna go out but by the end of the night I'm glad I did. Always there when I need an ear .. And on the same note. They accept me for me, don't try to change me. Even more, they encourage me to step out my shell and be the best me I can.

I am a very good friend, any of my friends can vouch for that. I love that. I love that they feel I'm just as great of a friend to them as they are to me. It makes me feel very loved and appreciated. That's a great feeling.

Friends are key in life. It's not about quantity, but the quality in your friends. And even if you have one great friend with all the right qualities, you're good. It's good to have someone you have a bond with and can enjoy each others company.

With intimate relationships, friendship is also very key. You should have a solid friendship with your significant other before you even pursue anything serious. It just works better. In my opinion.

Fuck history when it comes to friends.. Idc how long you've known someone. If they're not a real friend. Get rid of them. People have this misconception that friendship and years go hand in hand. Wrong. Friendship doesn't have a time frame. You can have a friend for 10+ years and another one for 5+ years and the one you knew for 5 could be the better friend while the one you known longer talks shit about you to others when you're not around..

Be very cautious of the company you keep. Make sure everyone around you is really there for you. If they're not, they'll be plotting your demise soon enough.

Shit real.

That's pretty much all I can say at the moment. I say that quite often. And no matter what I'm referring to, it always applies.

Sometimes, believe it or not.. I am at a loss for words on particular situations. No word seems appropriate to even begin to describe the reality of certain events or statements.

The reality of something is sinking in, but at the speed of molasses. Maybe that's for the better. I'm already anxious.. I don't need an anxiety attack. Shit might be too real and I don't know it yet. But I do know, I'm ready for it be completely real and no longer a thought in my head, a dream in my mind.

Shit real.

And it only gets realer.

March.

Another month in .. 3 months into 2013 and shit is decent. My main focus is staying positive and executing my plans. I'm making progress and that's key. I don't know what the month ahead has planned for me but I do know I have some plans for it. I got a good feeling, just gotta keep it and continue making moves.

March aint ready for my Madness.

I'm getting better at not getting frustrated, easily .. And if I do, not for long. I know I want this so bad, it's all I think of. But I can't forget to stay in the moment. No matter how bright the future look, I'll get there. Just need to enjoy my time here. My time now.

Everything is falling into place in a beautiful way. I'm accepting the blessings with arms wide open, lord knows I've been waiting.

The universe works in strange ways, but in most cases works to help us. Sometimes we don't understand, but only after events unfold fully do we see the mural the universe has painted for us — Susan Miller (Astrologyzone)