"God, I ask not forgiveness, for my sins are mine to live with" - Shirley [Baby-sitters]

Straight to the point ..

"I tend to think alot. so I'll just roam from topic to topic .. just because i discuss something doesn't necessarily mean I'm feeling some sort of way.. it may just mean I choose to discuss it .. because I find it interesting. Or I feel some sort of way, my call."

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

End.

The year is not the only thing that's ending... Alot of things are right behind it. 

A new year, new things seems so cliche. But it's not really about the new.. It's about sorting out the old and getting rid of the useless in all aspects.

To fully embrace new things, new experiences, new people you have to be clear of all the old useless things in your life, a new year just so happens to be the perfect time to reflect and make serious adjustments when needed. 


I've been ending things all year.. And as I say my final goodbye to 2013, I'm saying goodbye to people as well. It's been fun, but this won't last in the long run. Honestly. Lets get this clear.

Every ending is a new beginning. 

Speaking of ending, this blog has been around for 4 years... I think it's time I end this chapter. It's like graduation. I spent 4 years on blogspot and rereading every post I see how much I've grown.. 

I'm continuing to grow and I won't ever stop writing, so I want to do something a little different with my blog.. I won't post anything else on here, when I do return to the blog world, it'll be a whole new world I'll welcome you to..

See you in 2014. 

Toast to new beginnings and solid endings.

:)

Monday, December 30, 2013

Opportunity.

Opportunity is the outlet to make something happen, but for who? Me? You? Each other? Not always.

What's an opportunity really, because depending on the angle you're looking from you may not see those set of possibilities as an opportunity in the first place.. Lets think about these different types of opportunities.. An opportunity to make something better or an opportunity to better yourself. 

Some people see opportunities everywhere, but some don't. Those who don't are the type to see opportunities only when it's to better themselves;  rarely on how they can make it better. So  when people are called opportunists, it's always in a negative tone, even the definition is described as negative.. But why? Shouldn't we want to seize the opportunity to better ourselves as it presents itself.. Yes, but we shouldn't step on toes to do so. We shouldn't have to compromise our growth as a person to 'better' circumstances. Those people who are often called opportunist don't get to fully enjoy those opportunities, because life is funny like that. They spend their lives chasing opportunities thinking its going to better them but the opportunities that truly better you are the ones you make better. Building. That's what an opportunity truly is. You can always work towards bettering yourself, but when the opportunity arises where you see exactly where you fit in, how you can better something and you execute it, the reward is everlasting. You're a better person for it in the process. It's all around beneficial. 

I think about situations that cross my paths as such, how I can make this better, how can this better me? 
The balance has to be right to do anything. I'm not going to step on toes but I won't go into anything leading into nothing. Life is give and take. I'm not opposed to giving alot but what I'm receiving has to be of use for me in some shape, way or form. Some people give and give and all they get in return is a drained soul... Nope. Not I. I need positivity at all times, so even if I can make something better, if its too negative of a situation, I won't bother. I don't have the time. Only the negative subtracts from you. 
Think about it. 

But anyway, opportunities.. They're everywhere.. If you can see.. Not only how it benefits you, but how you, benefit it.

Shit real.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Self control.

We aren't in control of many things, never fully anyway.. But we can definitely control ourselves. 

Self control varies upon person, but we are ultimately in control. 

I read this article on Forbes titled 'who's in charge here: the surprising science of self control. And it was interesting for a few reasons.. The science was pretty cool. Basically I am, we. I'm made up of several things that all are in control of me. 

Which was hella interesting to me because I already feel like I have all these components within me that all have a hand in my level of self control. 

Self control is important to me because I don't ever want to lose it. That won't be any good, I'm almost sure of it. Thankfully, through life long training.. My self control is pretty high, temptations do occur but when unless all of me is with it, I won't give in. 

Resisting temptation is great training for self control. Not all that tempts you is good for you.. Only when you resist do you see if what tempts you will break you or was meant for you.. 

Patience goes hand in hand with self control. If you can control your urge and keep calm.. You tend to move better. Time reveals all and we all know everything takes time.. Self control can boost you or hinder you in times where patience is requi(red).. Sometimes you are too in control, there are times that call for you to just let go.. Determining when to resist and when to go with the flow is key as well. 

I think about how I like control and how I can gain more by making sure whatever I can control, I can control completely. Little control does nothing for me. Little control is the same as no control. Can't have that. But I have to be patient, I remind myself. The level of control I want in my life is naturally stemming from my own self control.. I can't force nature, I just gotta flow.. Keep everything else under control and my mind on the goals. 

Christmas was pretty sweet. Good times and happy faces, what more can you ask for? 

Next up, 2013's farewell. Shit real.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Shit real.

As the days continue to fly at jet speed.. I am constantly reminded of several things.

Shit is real..

I realized more of why certain things aren't working and why other things are.. More clarity on things I couldn't see through to its core. Things including people.

I feel calmer than ever but this electric wave of ease seems to follow me lately.. Mind you, everything isn't on the up, yet I feel happy.. Not content, but happy. It's like I know, but I don't know. Weird but I'm just gonna follow my vibes like I've been doing. 

I feel change. I feel the shift. I've trained myself to feel it, see it as it moves.. I'm far from naive but if you get caught in the moment (which can easily happen) you can overlook the shift.. Whether its the shift from good to bad, or bad to good.. The shift is the curve.. The curve completes the circle. The circle of life doesn't stop spinning.. The earth is a reminder. It spins and shifts from season to season, and every year it completes one circle. In that one circle, you experience four shifts... Winter to spring.. Spring to summer.. Summer to fall. Fall to winter.. And it repeats every year like clock work. The outcomes of these shifts vary, but the variables are constant. This is life. We experience seasons with things and people, sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. You have to notice the shift though.. The shift when it's about to get good or it's about to go bad.. And you'll feel it before you see it. By the time you see it it's too late. Being aware of shifts is more of an advantage than anything... To forsee the change coming because you noticed the shift and you watch it run its course, you may want to intervene, the shift not always going to shift in your favor but keep in mind you can't stop the shift. You can ride with it until the shift comes back around to your odds which is always 50/50.. 

If you're honest with yourself about your positions in life situations, the shift whether in your favor or not, will allow you to save alot more time than one who ignores the shift and waste precious time trying to reverse shifts. Everyone isn't going to be honest with you. No matter how honest you can be, everyone you encounter isn't guaranteed to reciprocate your level of honesty. So you always have to be honest with yourself. When others aren't, and you are honest about the shift... This gives you an alternative.. This way or that way. You can always break a circle.. But you can't stop one from spinning, I've noticed that. I mean you can, but who wants to be stagnant?

Anyway with all this in mind and everything I'm learning and am reminded of.. My actions are seriously reflecting all of this. The patience I continue to acquire is making alot more possible. My calm demeanor is handling the unpleasant aspects rather swiftly. The shift is shifting.. I suggest you act accordingly, I certainly am. 


Keep calm, end the year strong. 

Friday, December 13, 2013

13.

Friday the 13th, 2013. 

12/13/13 

Superstition has it today is usually a bad luck day... Every thing is rather odd and not usually in your favor, you would prefer things to go as usual.. But something about the 13th is a little off. 

Bad luck? I don't believe in that anymore.  No such thing.

I prefer to view 'bad' luck as odd luck. Bad is perception and how bad is it really? Because it caused discomfort? Inconvenience? A shift in my life axle that I didn't foresee? Maybe I needed this. Maybe this was an odd thing to happen, but it was meant to happen the way it did, to remind me of many things.. It had to be delive(red) in an odd way to get me to pay full attention. So 13 is an odd number indeed. 

Odd numbers are funny to me. You were even, until this add on stuck with you, now you're odd but you're holding it down. Lol 3,5,7,9 they hang lol like a hook. Whatever. Anyway. 

2013, 2-13. This year has been pretty odd and as it comes to an end rather swiftly.. I feel I might as well get this off my chest while I remember and have some down time..As the holidays and deadlines approach, time is just so scarce these days.. 

But this year, odd like a motherfucker. I think about the start of the year and today... I feel like I was playing, but that's only because right now, I can see how I could've went around the block I was facing then. All these weird odd blocks seemed to find its way in my life this year.... It's been more annoying, than anything.. Insightful as well, but I guess compa(red) to how stubborn I am.. I see why they had to be annoying. Back then, I couldn't see it. Certain situations, people, myself (alone)/myself with others and in situations showed alot of light through the odd blocks this year.. 

Through the trials this odd year has put me through.. I made it out with my mind made up. If it was clear before, it's Crystal* clear now. 

As this odd year closes out, a new year to get even rolls in... And it's about time. I don't have any New Years resolutions. I look at a new year like, a new year. Just continue applying everything learned from the previous years and embracing new experiences and growth as usual. That's what counts, to me. 

Apply yourself to supply your wealth. Mind body soul. Feel good. Think good thoughts.

People make big fusses over things that really don't pertain to them or to their growth as a person. 

Mind your business for 2014. 
Run with the campaign.

I took the word try out of my vocabulary. 
Either I will or I won't. I do or I don't. I already can do anything I set my mind to, so can't been out the picture for a while now. 

The main thing is to be a better me, first and foremost. I am no good to anyone, let alone myself, if I'm not the best me I can be. And that's an everyday process. Everyday, I make progress. 

Remember to remember. So easy to forget, so easy to get distracted. Our lives are distracting enough.. It's easy to lose focus for a bit. The key is to remind yourself. Where I'm going?.. Oh yeah. 

Get it right. Get it tight. Lol 

This year man.. It's been so odd to me, I have to give it a nice farewell present. It's only right. 


Christmas is coming... Oooh wee. I love the holidays.. The spirit of love and care all in the air. ^-^

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Cc: Man theory 1/?

I am fully aware that I am a woman, and I could never possibly understand a man in his entirety, I'm not a man. I get it. But I love men, they're great, even the not so good ones.. Still great. I watch them, talk to them, deal with him, whether indirectly or directly. Business, personal, family, friend, lover. I take notes and observations of every man I've ever encounte(red). I watched boys become men.. And boys stay boys. But men will be men. Anything I have on file for men is filled in by men.. I have a separate folder for women, but their opinion of men doesn't matter to me... It will never be 100% accurate. My observations will never be 100% accurate, I am a woman, certain things I'll never fully get.. I get it. But this is why it's MY observations.. I'm not passing it as fact, but I've noticed this and if you want to prove me wrong, I'm going to need facts because everything I've witnessed for myself supports my observation. 

#1: MAN CAN'T BE WITHOUT A WOMAN. 

Yes. Admit it. We know it already. Even gay men can't stay away and we can't even get them aroused... 

God made Adam, and he gave him the earth as a home... Adam could've went on an expedition.. Probably went swimming, trained a few animals.. All kinds of shit. Anyway, Adam got lonely :( he felt empty.. God told him, nah you just hungry, go eat some fruit..leave me alone I have work to do... Adam kept on about his perfect companion, so God got ti(red) of his nagging, swiftly punched him in the ribs, he fell out from impact.. (God didn't want him to see where he kept everyone else, plus he was getting on his nerves) and when he awoke, there stood Eve. But Eve was NOTHING like Adam. He couldn't believe it. She was his opposite, but she completed him in every way he felt empty before meeting her. Funny.. How just Eve was enough. But she was enough because she was right. God could've brought out Stacey, or Amy.. But Eve was chosen for a reason. She was the right one. Obviously she was put to test Adam on what the right woman to the right man can do.. They just happened to do "wrong". But see the influence. He wasn't even tempted until she brought it up. Whatever. This is just how I see it. I'm not quoting the bible. Ever since then.. Men can't be without women, even if they can't keep a woman for long, they'll always have their mother, who is a woman (if living). 


From here on I'm speaking to the men. So I'm referring this to you as a man.. And I want you to tell me, when you're done.. What you think of my observation. 


I think I realize where alot of y'all go wrong. You have the capability to be the greatest leader of your pack, but somebody gotta have your back.. Who better to have your back than a woman? She already completes you biologically, and a good woman, the right woman can make you unstoppable. But you as a man can get distracted and fooled by visuals.. And women con artists are alive and thriving, they appear to be a certain way, usually perfect for you.. and then, you realize she's wrong too late in the game.. You think you cut your ties, clean.. but making up for the losses tend to ruin a man.

You or someone you may know has actually encounte(red) this.. 


Take this walk with me over a 5 year journey.. You starting out your 5 year life plan.. You got some money you can flip and your foundation is steady enough to get this started, you need one thing, a woman to call your own.. Your grind is gonna become more intense and you need the stability a woman can provide, you have a couple prospects and you pick your girl.. You sweating her, she's everything, she so supportive. You treating her so good.. She making you feel good. You're now even more motivated to grind harder you got your woman waiting at home with the goods. So you doing your thing, you focused.. [Grinding is today's hunting. A real man doesn't feel complete if he's not grinding (hunting) for his own.]

She starts forgetting where y'all headed.. She can't understand why you're not doing what you used to do as often as you used to, now she's on you... Interrogating, wanting to get to the bottom of this cause she didn't sign up for this.. You don't understand what's her problem, you out here doing for y'all, but she wants to talk about what you don't do, for her. And it's not about her, it's about y'all, but she doesn't see that. Because she's the wrong girl. The right girl encourages your grind. The harder you grind, the less you can keep up everything you used to do, because you got shit to do. "C'mon baby I love you, you know this." But she doesn't care, she's at your neck accusing you of things you haven't done yet (she knows she isn't the right one, she doesn't feel she completes you, so she feel you do too and went searching).. You start to stray.. You want to avoid that noise. Come home, She giving you the silent treatment is perfect, you don't even want to talk about what she does because you don't understand. So you start to lose focus and build stress.. Still on your grind even with all the bullshit on your mind. On the grind you meet a sweet little side piece. Woo .. She's fine, top of the line. Lol you on her.. Something about her you like, she doing her own thing so she's not pressed about your thing.. You like that. Now part of your focus on her, you still on the grind but you switch to autopilot every now and then.. Now you feeling side, now you gotta focus on covering tracks so wrong girl doesn't find out, cause you think you love her, maybe. Even though she's wrong, you not letting her go (or she won't, I plan on speaking on relationship entrapment soon, that has to stop.) .. So you juggling wrong, side, and the grind .. Meanwhile you trying to enjoy your life.. All work no play never did anyone any good. Cool.. 

Time passes, you are up my man. You got the juice now. Money flowing, you feeling good, your women are feeling good.. Everything is everything. Granted, a couple months of bliss later.. Side want more now, she ti(red) of playing shadow.. You giving her extra hush money.. Buy her some nice gifts, fuck her good, she still complaining.. So you start to distance yourself, just a bit.. You not trying to hear that shit from wrong, you definitely not trying to hear it from side.. 

Next 15, that new thang came.. You like her, she looking like new side, cause side acting up and she will get replaced, if needed.. as long as wrong is around, she gonna need an assist. Now keep in mind your tab, you got wrong on full time, side part time, you spend money whenever you take new thang out because you are a man. You got it like that. But all these women are taking from your pockets, not adding to it. So they're already liabilities on your tab, not to mention your bills, gas, vices.. Things in that nature. But your money just as long as your tab. Literally.. So you're not even realizing it. The money is flowing in.. So you feel your grind is paying off, but your grind is now supporting your lifestyle.. You aren't grinding for the goal anymore.. You're grinding just as hard, but your expenses are piling up. And none of your bitches are checking you.. Only to tell you when the rent due, or when they're going shopping or the salon... Then just as you about to figure shit out... Everything crumbles. 

Wrong finds out about side, new thang finds out about wrong.. Side outside telling you to come outside and you sitting there counting the losses from the night before... Everybody leaving. Not before the drama of course... Which only frustrates you.. If your focus was off before.. It doesn't even know where the target is.. You fucking up, you're fucked up.. These bitches are getting on your last nerve. You cut them all off, you're fed the fuck up.. You need to clear your mind. You look up and its 5 years later. You're nowhere near finishing your plans.. Time and money gone. And now you're all fucked up emotionally cause you're without a woman and even the randoms you fuck/allow to sleep over cause you lonely doesn't fill the void.. But you're a man.. So you ignore it. And you get back on your grind... Some try again searching for the actual right one, some take the multiple hoes route without heavy commitment, but without emotionally investing into a woman you will never access the power the woman can bring to you that you so instinctively crave.. 


The right woman in a mans ear is unstoppable. The right woman supposed to check you when you're slipping, making sure you know where you're going in case you forgot honey. :) Shes understanding because she matches your grindd.. the right woman is encouraging and fulfilling to a man on all the levels he needs to fully prosper in life. Problem is, alot of men pick the wrong women at the worst times. And it's fucks them up more than when we choose wrong men, as a woman, damsel in distress role pays off. No one pities a weak man. 

So men are dismantled by dealing with the wrong women and waste so much time and energy. Men are the best jugglers. But juggling women is only to make up all the factors that you would prefer to exist in one woman.. But you can't find her.. But you're gonna juggle these bitches until you get ti(red) of juggling, drop them or they want to leave.. But that's a circus act and you're no clown right? You want to grind and build your kingdom, so you have to get the right woman.. Who truly understands your grind and is nothing but an asset all around the board (Queen). Real men don't take money from women, they can get that on their own. What we provide to them is worth more than money.. We provide the encouragment, love, affection, and as well as companionship. We help them understand emotion (this why we're more patient), and they help us with logic.. Thats the trade off.. It's crazy how you can be with someone and feel alone together.. Like you're one. That's how it should feel when it's right. And when it's wrong, catch it early.. Don't let these bitches catch you slipping.. They will ruin you. I am a woman, I knowww, I've seen the side of woman world the dog bitches try so hard to hide from y'all. Don't think it can't happen to you..  Unless you got the right woman already than you're good.. Prosper good man, prosper. I tell yall cause i care about you as men. I want more men to prosper. But they need to pick better women. Plenty out here man.. Don't think there's not. 

I wish you the sight to see through these shady little whores trying to ruin mankind and the sight to see the right woman when she crosses your path. God bless men. 

Decemburrrr.

You could be my intern, and in turn.. I can show you how to cook up summer in the winturrr. 

Winter coming, 2013 on its way out. 

Oh baby it's crunch time. 

Bundle up.. The weather bitter, but the grind doesn't stop. 

:) 

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Language.

Sometimes I think I speak a foreign language.. Context, comprehension and impression alter language. Not just vocal language, but body language and sign language as well.. Even if you feel you're coming off as clear and direct, there's still a possibility.. you were misunderstood.

People look at you and imagine how you sound, the way you speak, your tone.. And when you actually hold a conversation with them you either were what they imagined, or you're not. I'm usually not. My tone, my remarks, my choice in words are nothing that they could've imagined, how do I know? Their face tells it every time. Plenty of conversations where I'm cut off mid sentence, "I didn't expect you to speak like that" .. Lol I'm assuming its a combination of how I speak, my body language and their comprehension of what's really happening.. 

You can't talk to just anybody about any thing. You know that right? Some conversations will go way over heads or right under the table. That's why we enjoy those people who literally everything is eye level and on the table in conversation. But language, sometimes gets lost in translation. 

So in those moments we're still on the same page by the end of our conversation, it's like reading a book together, and now you're done.. You feel like you left with something, a story, a new outlook on something, a more advanced idea of an existing idea and someone was there that entire time, making it even more real..(yay, a witness, lol) Just great. Wonderful, wouldn't life just be so grand if we we're all on the same page? 

But language, it's funny at times.. We can both speak the same language literally and you still can interpret what I said as something other than how I meant it. Either more positive, or negative, more general or personal, uplifting or degrading ... Sometimes you can't even call it, but you feel some type of way. Why? 

Let me break down language and the levels to this shit. Lol

Level 1. Vocal language. 
Literally the words that are coming out of your mouth, your tone of voice as well.

Basic level of language. This is by far the easiest, learning how to speak is elementary, once you grasp that, you're able to communicate with those that speak your language. It only gets advanced, (this is where most get lost in translation) when emotions alter tone in vocal language. See, you could be speaking clearly, directly, and make all the sense in the world.. But if your tone is off, shit can real. Everything you just said got wrecked by the train of your tone. You didn't even mean it the way it came off.. But your emotions couldn't hide how you really felt. People tend to lie about tone so much it's crazy, instead of just saying, yes, I do feel this way but I've been wanting to address this for a while. No, a new conversation will proceed in regards to tone and blame, and everything that has nothing to do with what was said, but how it was said. Depending on the parties involved determines how bad that ends.

And FYi, sometimes, there is no tone. The words are enough. That's what you're working with. Go with that. Some people like to travel down 'de Nile' river in hopes to avoid what was clearly said.. They imagine a sarcastic tone, 'nah they weren't serious, hahaha(crazy laugh) silly them'.. And it's like, come on.. Don't do that to yourself. Accept it for what it is. 

If you're like me whose voice is often monotone, you have to coordinate your words accordingly.. Your tone will always fool people, so the words have to stick.. And maybe that's why I have an extensive, ever-growing vocabulary. You know how many words fit situations a thousand times better than the generic word for the term; the variation of that generic word specifies the situation, making it easier to understand where you're coming from. But if you generalize or wrongfully specify the situation, signals will almost always get crossed. 
Choose your words accordingly. 

It's not so much watching what you say; when you speak, you're speaking to be understood, remember that.

Level 2. Body language. 
The way you move, react to yourself, others, varies in setting, on person and situation.. 

My favorite. I love that shit because the body doesn't speak in a voice, but with moves and it's fun decoding it. The quicker I get it, it's like entering a new level on a game. Once you understand a person's simple set dynamic, body language is more than obvious. We all have a simple set dynamic.. It's different, duh, but it's same in simplicity. Learning a person is fun, body language tells you the most, and the body will always tell you if the words are a lie. (even if you want the words to be a lie and body language reveals it true, the fact that the words are being made a lie should ring an alarm) body language is most discreet of the language, most either don't notice it.. Or worse, ignore it. 

Nothing good has ever come from ignoring the body. 

You don't have to do anything but pay attention... It's really that simple. You will pick up vibes as you go along. 
Act accordingly. 

Level 3. The highest level of all.....
Sign language. 

Sign language is different. The language of the signs in your life is probably the most important one. Life signs will tell you if you're on to something, or wasting your time... If you're right or wrong.. If where you're headed is beneficial for you or not. If those in your life belong there or not.. And the signs are everywhere, but the comprehension skill to understand sign language is very rare.. Mainly cause many aren't aware. 

Think of every 'sign' you ever felt you had in life and play all those known signs out like a story book of your life, signs was a character and he had dialogue. If you can visualize that, you're going to notice even more now in retrospect, than you did in the moment you were just happy enough to have caught the sign.. Sometimes you don't have body language or vocal language, just sign language, all these signs telling you what's up, you either on it or you're brushing it off because you can't understand signs. It's not an easy task, granted. But that's why it's even more crucial to know how to understand signs. To pay attention to what the world is trying to tell you, and move accordingly. 

Anybody that has fell to a great demise, igno(red) sign language. And in the stories we read of these fallen heroes or villains, we always notice the decline, the beginning of the end.. How can we notice it in books or movies, but not in ourselves? Not with other people or situations that are clearly no good but we still fucking with it? Why? We ignore the signs. We're emotionally involved with this person, place or thing and we don't have eyes for anything other than what's in front of us, let alone the signs. But in books or movies, even if we become emotionally attached, we're aware of what's going on, we're trying to figure out what's going on as its happening. As opposed to real life, where we rarely even question things in the moment, but more often in retrospect. That's usually where we fuck up, questioning everything so vocally.. Creating a cloud of doubt to hover over us, raining on our possible parade.. Instead, be aware of the signs and collect them in a mental sense and as you go along you'll gain better understanding of what the signs meant. And you won't even have to ask questions. 

Those 3 levels of language combined can alter how someone understands you.. Impression lies upon perception.. So as I mentioned, you can still be misunderstood. And that's fine.. As long as you know what you meant and were clear about it on your end. That comes from language of self. When you know yourself and you're in tuned with your mind, body, and soul.. All language levels are easy to set. You know how to express your self to be understood. And those that don't understand, you don't bother to speak to.. Not everyone is meant to understand each other. Once you understand that.. You won't harbor those that don't understand you, you'd move on to those that do. Self language is key before even entering the world and the levels of language. Self language is like the core of language. If you don't know yourself, how can anyone else? You don't even know how to interpret what you feel so how could I ever really know if that's how you really feel? The worst thing you can do is have someone fake figure you out before you do. You need to know yourself.


Take me for instance, I know myself. In and out. Flaws and all. I know when and how to address something, I know how to say what I need to say without inflicting unsettled emotion in my tone.. I know myself well enough to pick and choose when I want to speak.. I know well enough to know when I don't know enough to speak.. Who to speak to, who to avoid, little shit like that makes allllllll the difference in my conversations with people.. I don't have arguments, I rarely raise my voice.. Yet my point gets across every time. If the words don't, the body language will and the signs I leave afterwards seal the deal.

When I speak, I like for who I'm speaking to, to feel me.. Feel me?

If not what's the point, really?

Monday, November 18, 2013

Quick.

We all want to be the fastest, we all want to finish first. First means fast.. Finish lines... Races. Life is a race no? But what kinda of race, who's competing, what's won once the finish line is reached.. Where the finish line even is.. Varies. 
Like everything. 

Granted. 

In this life race, you're either competing with yourself and the world, or yourself and others.. There is a difference.  

Now, I always think about that old story, the tortoise and the hare.. The big race. And somehow slow ass turtle won, you would think the hare would've won, stronger legs, great quality for the race.. But the hare wasn't thinking about winning the race, just beating the turtle, while ridiculing him for being slower than him.. If the race meant more than the opponent, the hare wouldn't have compa(red) himself to the tortoise.. Despite him being his competitor, winning the race was the main objective. The tortoise on the other hand could care less about the hare and his advantage over him in the race.. Sure the hare was fast, and tortoises are naturally slower.. But even that didn't stop him. His concern was the race. And he won the race... While the hare embarrassed and now a loser, all because he underestimated his opponent and slept on him literally. 

So in life's race we have tortoises and hares. We all want to be hares, quick and  fast. No one wants to be slow ass tortoise.. But in reality it's always the tortoise that wins... The hares of the world tire themselves out seconds before they reach the finish line.. Sometimes even half way depending on how fast they are.. Wasting their fast energy on everything but the race. Being quick is always a plus, but where you choose to be quick determines if its wise.. Some situations calls for us to slow down. So in the race of life... The speed will vary. But even if you're quick like the hare, don't be the hare, the hare was so quick he slipped up and lost focus of what matte(red).. The moment he focused more of his attention on his competitor and less on his progress in the race, he lost. 

In life's race, your only competitor is you..   And the finish line. That's it. Fuck everyone else, sure you can be aware that you're not the only one reaching for the same finish line but aware and devotedly focused are two different things. No matter how fast you are, pacing yourself based on the pace of the next person will always slow you up..  The hare was physically faster than the tortoise but because he felt the tortoise was slow, he was gonna play around.. Take naps and shit. He based his pace on his opponent's speed, and he lost. Had he set his own pace, and not on the tortoise, he'd easily won the race but he didn't take the race nor his opponent seriously.. In the end, he was the joke.

It's funny, cause the tortoises of the world win every time because they're worried about themselves.. Their pace, their eyes on the prize. Competitors aren't a factor. 

Some people like to compete and others like to win. Some just like the challenge, others value the victory. There's people that will try to compete with you in whatever aspect just for the sake of it, and some for the prize. That's why it's not wise to focus so much on 'competitors' .. Some aren't even there to win it, you are.. But if you focus on your competitors and who they are and what's their qualities and blah blah.. You're doing too much.. You're not focusing on you, the race, the finish line and how are you going to get there quickly.. All those things to consider will definitely make you faster in your race.. You can't slow anyone else down unless you slow yourself down first, you can focus on you beating your competitors.. Or focus on winning the race. What's more important? And if its beating your competitors.. You're racing for the wrong reasons. 

Like I said, your only competitor is yourself and the finish line.. Even if someone is on the same path as you doesn't mean they're running the same race.. That's another reason why it's not wise to focus so much on 'competitors' some could be a figment of your imagination. If anything, you should use the feeling of competition you may get from others as fuel in your own race to the finish line.. Work smarter, finish quick and clean. 

Don't be so quick, you might end up like the hare... Pace yourself in your race.. So when you finish you can actually breathe.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Shit real.

It's only getting realer...

I wonder too much, I think. I don't think it's healthy to ponder about the unknown as much as I do, but of course, I can't help it.

Initiative is getting better, showing more benefits as time progresses.. I think about all the work I've done, just sitting here.. And I just keep adding to the pile.. Securing their role in my plans.. 

Preparing and shit of that nature. 

Really taking my time in unveiling things with projects and people. My anxiety is a bit more calm now. 


The calm before the storm... 

Such a beautiful storm awaits.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Emotion vs. Logic.

Emotion vs logic... To have one without the other seems off though.. why the battle? 

Emotions need the guidance of logic, which is kinda like one of reasons women need men (they're more logical naturally, we can just be better once we manage emotion, they're backwards. Thus why we fit oddly enough.) logic doesn't feel, and feelings can't tell you what is, just what it feels... It doesn't see.. That's why logic is crucial. Logic are the eyes, emotions shut their eyes to what is, (even if its to imagine more of what is).. Although our feelings are real, they're not always right. Logic is always right, even if its not your right. It's right because you found out how it's right. You see what I'm sayin? 

Can't you be both? Are you logically emotional? Or Emotionally logical? Does that even make sense.. Is that even truly possible to be both simultaneously? 

Logically emotional sounds to me like you're emotional about logic .. You're passionate about logic, finding the right one and so on.. Emotionally logical sounds to me like your emotions dictate your logic.. Whatever you feel is right, so a logic will form its way from the depths of these feelings.

So your emotion is driven by logic, or your logic is driven by emotion... 

The difference in either combination is like black and white.

To have your logic driven by emotion is great if you love emotional roller coasters and a chaotic lifestyle.. Emotions change, so if you're basing logic on emotion, you're gambling alot here.. Logic dictates how you maneuver through life.. If you're constant changing your logic to suit emotion.. That can get crazy.. Now, we can't disregard feelings like its not one of the only things that lets us know what's real, but like with everything else.. We can't let it carry us away into our ever expanding imagination, which only enhances whatever we feel into more of that feeling with less reality, but more imagination. And we'll find any logical reason to justify it because we feeel it. Yes we do.. But it's more on us that we do. You feel me? So we'll intensify a memory or a moment, situation or whatever.. And forget that half that shit didn't even happen, but we're more mad or happy than what originally sparked the emotion. You see how this can fuck you up? You see how easily emotions can run logic? .. 

Now on the flip side, if you love logic, and everything it stands for.. Your emotions drives you to find logic, not create it. There's logic in everything. 

Idk if its just me, but I really like to figure out how and why things work.. I won't look at a manual, but the product and see if I figure out mentally why this works, how it works. If its intriguing, my emotion of curiosity will push me to find the mechanisms of whatever is intriguing me. This is exactly how I view life and people. Like household appliances that I want to see how and why they tick, no manual in sight... Certainly doesn't stop me.


Being passionate about logic is great because we can't help but feel.. And to have it controlled to the point where you figure out why you're feeling like this, what does this mean, what is this emotion telling you, the logic behind the emotion.. You're not trying to justify it, you're searching for the why.. And in that search, you observe, take notes.. Test out several different variables, make a conclusion. It's a calm insightful alternative.. Life is already chaotic enough with its uncontrolled way of being.. Last thing we need is to be chaotic within.

I'm a big believer in feelings, and intuition.. Never ignore how you feel. But never let it take over in the same token. Emotions are repetitive. Who, what and the intensity we feel them for varies, it will change. The emotion we feel will not. Once you know how to correctly identify your emotions..(Being that you don't lie about which emotion is which) you will always know what's coming next, you felt this before. You know what it is. Butttttt.. Because the people/things we feel these things for differ, we swear up and down its different. And it's not. Just the visual is different. The emotion is the same. We tend to tie our emotions to things/people instead of just labeling it as one of emotions thats been tapped and when we feel those emotions with others we act retarded like we can't identify this feeling.. Like this shit is new. It's really amazing how we fool ourselves sometimes, the nerve of us trying to blame others for that. Where's the logic in that? 

Your feelings can and should guide you.. But your logic should be the one mapping out the route. Your feelings lets you know if you're off about something, logic step out to figure it out.. Gather all the data on what caused this feeling and alert you on what's really going on here.. Sometimes we don't know how we feel, that's fine.. But to act on something when we haven't bothe(red) to look a little deeper into it, is foolish.. And as we all know, everything is easier to get into than get out of.. 

I rather spend my life getting into myself than living life trying to get out of potholes I dove in trying to find myself.. Which happens when your emotionally logical.. You'll run around like a chicken with his head chopped of ending in all types of shit.

Idk man, I just think about shit like this, I'm more logical than emotional.. I have feelings, but logic has more of a say... Not saying logic tells feelings stfu and sit back.. It's a team effort but logic is the spokesperson.. Emotions, just always wanna speak.. Logic actually has something to say. But I never ignore my feelings ... I always make sure logic aware when I am, like L you got that? "Yup" okay process that in. Always gotta stay on point. It can be very easy for emotions to get wild, but as long as you're logical enough to check them, you  should be fine. 

Sometimes I do get more emotional than logical.. But I swear, it's only around my week of hell.. So I guess that doesn't count, does it? Ah who cares? Even in that one week free logic gets, it doesn't throw me off.. I think it helps in some weird biological way.. Whatever I'm no scientist. 

Emotion and logic seem like such opposites, emotion always portrayed as wild and uncontrollable.. While logic is viewed as a chess master, calm, strategic.. Straightforward. Yet both together in the right combination, with the right balance is amazing. 

Eh.. Just a thought.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Say word..

I only know what I get told, but I cant always go by what I'm told.. 

It's funny, no matter who is telling me something and other people are involved.. I always wonder if that's how it really happened.. 

Not saying what I'm being told isn't true.. But to what degree?.. Since its from your eyes, you perceived that whole situation slightly different than anyone else there... Sometimes its delusion, but its perception nonetheless.

I love those moments when I was told a story from one perspective.. I learned their role or what they thought their role was, when they were wrong about their thought of who they were in the situation, the justifications that followed the situation. Blah blah.. And I'm just soaking it all in, analyzing, suggesting possible solutions.. Trying walk in their shoes And then later on.. I get another piece of the puzzle, someone else tells me of the same situation, but their interpretation of it, their role, allowing me to look at it from another angle, another pair of eyes and it's always funny.. And extremely insightful. I love the human mind so to be able collect all this 'data' for my personal observations makes me feel warm lol.. The only reason this happens to me a little bit more, than the usual.. people love talking to me, they just always feel like telling me a story. And I don't run my mouth. 

If person 1 tells me a story, and I somehow later on meet the main character in person 1 story, I don't even bring up person 1, what they had is none of my business. Person 1 just chose to share it with me. That character will never know, I know of that story unless Person 1 says it.. never from me. So I know alot more than what people think, I just absorb all of it. And really observe how people move, of course. 

See you really can't go by what your told.. Always gotta do your own research, how you do that varies; but one thing key in research is paying attention, to everything. Not just the little details. The big picture as well. What one says of another says way more about themselves than it does of the person they're speaking of. Keep that in mind.

I never go by what I'm told of other people I've never met. I feel like until we meet, I have no solid opinion of you. What I'm told of you, is just how others view you, not always necessarily who you are. Granted. That being said, I take everything I hear or see, into consideration.. Never to the heart.. 

I always wonder what people say of me, how they view me, those that never met me.. What they think they know because someone told them their perception of our relationship, or any encounters between us.. It's funny, cause people view things differently.. Some take serious what I joke with, and vice versa.. But what people fail to realize, you can't accept that version of the truth as full fact. You have to see for yourself to see the truth. 

The only way you can see the truth, is for yourself.

Truth is, alot of people don't pay attention, not even to what they, themselves say.. So as long as you are.. You'll always catch the underlying tones in conversations.. You watch how someone talks just to talk, how they talk to you, how they speak of other people, life situations they've encounte(red) their choice in topics, life views.. It always says so much about a person...

It's like the questions answer themselves...
Only if you're listening. 

Everybody wants you to take their word for something, but their word is only half... A piece if you will... Of what truly is. 

It's deeper than word and perception.


Friday, November 1, 2013

Thankful.

Hi November. My favorite holiday, thanksgiving. Where everyone is more grateful and thankful, forgiving and giving.. the food is just the perfect way to end it.. Everything just calm.. Until Black Friday.. Where we chaotically rush through Christmas, turn up for New Years, before we turn over that new leaf..  In that order. 

But I'm thankful. 

I'm thankful for the weed that clicks with me so well, thankful for the occasional chaos, the rare pure moments of bliss, the reminders, the ideas, the music..I love music almost as much as I love food, you know I'm definitely thankful for that. I'm thankful for my health, and wealth of mind body and soul. I'm thankful for my loved ones. The ones who truly want to see me prosper and are nothing but positive towards me even when they're letting know how they feel about my negatives. I'm thankful for society, as fucked up as it may be.. It's what we've created. And we've created a society where literally anything is possible and we're reminded everyday.. Lucky us. It used be a secret. Thankful especially for the knowledge I carry and the knowledge I continue to pick up. 

I'm extremely thankful for my mind. I can't say that enough. If I don't have anything, I have one hell of a mind. No one can tell me otherwise. It doesn't want to stop expanding, it doesn't shut anything out, it processes thoughts, ideas in so many different ways, I'm amazed. That's really ill to me. Like my mind literally amazes me. 

Today marks the countdown to the end of the year.. Time will fly, you can fly with it or get lost in the wind. Remind yourself, of everything you're thankful for.. Remind yourself of where you want to be, and how you're going to make that happen. And be thankful that today, who you are allows you to see that far ahead. After you say thanks, get ready to eat.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Fuck up.

Sometimes I feel like a complete fuck up, 
Then I tell myself to shut the fuck up.. 

You're really a genius.. Don't forget. 
Yeah I know, I know ... 
But how can you not feel like shit every now and then, when you know who you could be is just within arms reach, and the only reason you can't reach.. Is because of who you are today. 

You're not there yet... What the fuck? 
I gotta be fucking up. 
Tell me how I'm not... 
-not your time.. Every thing take time.. 
You're young.. Blah blah. 
I get it. I swear that I get it. 

The 30 day challenge introduced me to another writer, great voice..I read her blogs.. This particular one though.. Was dead on. (http://t.co/Ocgzwe6xUH) we live completely different lives, we're two different people.. But she and her friends (mentioned in post) gets it. 

You really do compare how what should be vs what is, and of course no matter how good what is maybe, we'll feel what should be is better. 

It's hard sometimes, when you know what you're truly capable of, but you feel so crippled. It's frustrating.. Sure you appreciate everything around you, and you certainly appreciate who you are, who you're becoming... But when you truly know who you're meant to be.. It's mindfucking at times.. I'm a thinker.. I can't help it. I need to slow down, I wish I could. 

My mind moving too fast... My actions are feeling crippled so my efforts are just continuing to build endurance. It's my only hope to ever keep up with my thought process...

All these ideas, I gotta be extremely flexible.. In more ways than one. I have to be able to flex as my mind ticks.. 

People around me tell me they're proud of me for (whatever it is in particular they're proud of) and I say thanks, appreciate that.. then I think, even though I don't. Not trying to sound like a ungrateful bitch. But I just feel like I'm doing what I have to do.. Not really what I want to do, but I just gotta get shit done. (I think I said this before. Hm.) 

I'm 22.. To many, I'm a baby.. They expect me to want to be pampe(red) and fed.. Unwilling to do for me.. I'm young.. I just want to play all day.. Life is one big joke to me. (And it is, one of the most serious hilarious jokes ever told. But that's for another day) 

But I'm serious.. I do joke and kid. But I expect so much more for myself, and honestly, I'm acting like I don't deserve it.. I keep rejecting things like I'm not smart enough to realize the benefits of opportunity. Fucking up, acting stupid. I'm still stubborn. One day I will shed that shit off for good.. I guess it is cause I'm young.. But young and dumb aren't synonymous. That's where many get confused. They think because they were dumb at my age, I just have to be. Well guess who's wrong? You. Guess who just corrected another one of theirs? Me .. I had someone tell me I need guidance I laughed, told him he was probably right..
I guide myself, to allow someone to take over.. Like a blind person, only the top seeing eye dog can guide me. I'm Stevie wonder to the bullshit. [nodisrespecttoStevie]

Thank god for herbal meditation. 

I swear just as I'm about to lose my cool, I blow some steam, close my eyes and breathe. 

I remind myself of where I'm going, and how everything I'm encountering on this journey is needed for where I end up. As long as I don't stop.. I'll get there. 
Fucks up and all. 
As long as I don't stop.

I just won't stop.



Monday, October 28, 2013

Patience.

Practice patience Cristina, practice patience..  But it takes patience to practice, and I can't help, but feel anxious, I'm putting in the work.. Still don't have all the answers.. So I gotta wait. I hate to wait. No really.

I despise waiting.. 

But in life we're always waiting for something .. Even when we don't want too.. But apparently we can't control that. Tragic.. 

But I've been learning patience, fussing and fighting.. But I'm still in class. I know I have to master it. For the most part, considering it all.. I'm more patient than I lead myself to believe. Of course, only through retrospect do you see how patient you truly were. I think of past situations in my life, and I'm usually the more calm patient person of it, no matter who's involved. 

So patient, it has come across quite often as me not caring.. Why? Because I don't rush what's not in my control and take care of what I can... Because I decide to make use of the time I gotta wait, to get other shit done.. I didn't forget but until its ready I'm gonna grab a few stones [RIP birds]

I practice the patience in getting through the day knowing I'm not where I'm supposed to be, and getting there is a journey on its own.. But, realistically, I'm anxious, I don't want to wait.. I know what I want, I want it now. 

Now. 

Why not now?.. If not now, when? ...
Oh I gotta wait huh? .. 
Time will tell, I know I know.. 

I need the time to be on mine. At all times. 

I mean patience is definitely key in obtaining whatever you want. I'm aware of how life works.. For the most part.. I'm still learning but patience.. Definitely comes in handy..

I don't like to give up, to give up means I still want it.. So if I let go. I don't want it anymore. Whatever I want I make it so I get it, the problem with that.. Depending on what it is that I want, if I wait too long.. I don't want it anymore. Now I'm feeling like it wasn't meant to be.. No way I would have to wait this long if it wasn't just to realize I don't really want this. Because when you really want something, you don't care how long you been waiting.. You anticipated this... This really what you want. If you look up like nah I'm waiting too long, it's time to go. 
You in the wrong place.

Patient in the waiting room.

Think of patients in the waiting room.. If you haven't seen the irony in this scenario yet.. Lol 

Several patients are staring at their phones, reading magazines, others are minglings with other patients complaining about the wait, talking about a bunch of nothing (or those rare conversations with strangers that just blossoms from a simple acknowledgment from both of you) some are getting some work done, might as well since we're here.. 

After registration, you have to wait for the nurse.. 
Wait... 
The nurse checks you in, check your vitals.. the doctor will be with you shortly. 

More waiting. 

The doctor calls your name, gives you the run down, you good or no? 
Give it to me straight doc..
You leave with your held high if you're good, continuning your life as such.. let it be bad, you're feeling lower than dirt...  Ain't no sign of light (depending on your attitude).. you begin to wait for your demise. Even if you'll eventually get better.. You're not better now.

In life's waiting room.. You never know how good you're doing until the "doc" calls you in.. But ironically while you wait affects how good or bad you're doing.. Think of two patients, one is reading a book for deeper understanding of an unknown topic.. The other is sleeping.
Already the difference in how they choose to wait... Expanding your mind vs. Catching up on sleep. Regular battle among many.

The doctor calling Mr. Sleepy but after a third calling, he called the next person.. Mr. Bookworm?.. Now, not only is he more enlightened, he's closer to finishing his book and his wait is now cut short because the one waiting before him, wasn't ready. He was, now he can get on with his day with a little extra time.. 

We all love extra time.

Life is a waiting room, that regularly makes us wait for things and people.. But how we wait, determines if during the wait, did you waste your time.. Even when things are out of your control, you can always control how you react to it.. What you did while you were waiting? .. please dont let it be nothing. We choose how we wait.. choose wisely.. Be patience, but practice too.. Patience takes practice, practice makes perfect. 

Patience allows you to fill in blanks.. Life blanks where we don't know what's going on.. or what's awaiting ahead.. Patience allows you to accept life's way of making you wait.. You're gonna feel pain, suffering, tragedy.. It's truly life. At times where the wait is unbearable.. But patience will tell you, relax... This too shall pass. Sure enough it does, and if we're observant enough of the tragedy at hand, we can assure we don't feel that pain too often.. If at all.

Life man.. 

The people and things that it brings. we won't always see it coming, but we can't deny that it's here... Don't let now catch you off guard.. Now is all we have. End up like Mr. Sleepy now you gotta wait longer.. Now showed up, you was sleeping.

Stay sleep if you want. I like to be awake. 

Awake and aware. 

I'm aware I'm gaining more patience, but that's only cause I've been practicing.. I haven't seen the results I'm looking for yet.. But the fact I don't stop practicing tells me, I'm taking the wait better than I think.

I used to think I was wasting my time, and in some aspects I was right.. But in others I couldn't be more wrong..maybe I had to feel like I was wasting my time to really take my time.. Utilizing of MY time, my time in control.. I can't spin life clocks to what time I need it to be.. Lord knows I wish I could (do I really? Hm).. But I can't. So I gotta take my time, the little I get.. In the sense of what I can control for now and stretch it or shape it for the next time I gotta wait.. The wait is the perfect time to get to work.. You don't have anything else to do but wait.. Might as well do something progressive in the meantime.. 

Make that wait worthwhile.. 

All while perfecting your craft with practice and the patience to keep you going.

Shit real. 

Friday, October 25, 2013

In a Perfect World..

Lord knows....

Everything would run smoothly, and I can wake and bake every morning with fresh bud from my garden Mary.. And its no problem or hassle. The Perfect weather in a perfect world? It would never be toooo cold, or too hot.. Always just right. I'll never have to smell cigarettes ever again.. I could create everything my mind thinks of a reality as fast as I can think it. That would be cool.

In a perfect world, conversations won't ever be misled by vague indirect assumption fueled responses. Every word would be clear, offense would not exist because we all understand. Fear is a myth, no such thing as a lie.. In a perfect world. I would get my way all the time.. I love getting my way. Who doesn't? 

Appearances won't determine how smart people think you are, nor gender.. In my perfect world. Comprehension and common sense would go hand in hand. Everyone would be taken as serious as they take themselves. Respect and support will be common.. Hate at an all time low in my perfect world.. Great memories are common but aren't taken for granted..people as well

Sigh, in a perfect world.

Perfect is subjective (like basically everything is).. I think of my perfect world.. And how great it will be, I just have to create it, for me.

And I am..

Perfecting the details as I go along. 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Morals.

"You don't know what your morals are until you test them" I heard that somewhere, can't remember but it stuck with me.

I never been one to vocalize my morals, I couldn't even write out what I feel are ALL my morals, but I do know.. I have a very specific set of them. I realized how embedded they were in me, as each of them were tested. Ironically. 

I think about morals, how we all have them, and how they define us as people. I also think how morals are only as good as those who abide by them. So if you and I share a different set of morals, neither of us are wrong. We're living how we believe we should. People are more judging than understanding, we feel everyone should be like us, live like us.. But everyone is not us. We're all different. 

I'm very stubborn, I don't bend my morals for anyone.. For anything. Even in cases where it would be beneficial to tweak said moral for whatever reason, I don't. I just don't budge. 

Am I really stern or just a fool? 
I wonder that sometimes, I wonder this when I'm being tested, morals and all and I'm just like nope. Nope. I won't do it. Even if it leaves me in the dark.. Which it has in the past. But the thing about that is, I never stay in the dark too long anyway.. Maybe that's why I don't mind being left in the dark. The dark doesn't scare me. 

In times of desperation and struggle.. Morals can go out the window, I've witnessed this on many occasions. I, myself had an experience with that as well.. But when the dust settles, and reality is facing you.. Your morals are back, but the choices you made while they were gone, are still there. Now you feel like shit.. Or the shit hits the fan and you feel worse than shit.. You wonder where your mind was at, why your logic was clouded and who the fuck told your morals they had the day off? 

Was it worth it? Was belittling your character worth it? It never is. If you have to compromise who you are, what you believe in or stand for to move along in life, you devalue yourself, even if you did it for yourself.. You still have to deal with the consequences, whether its mental, physical, spiritual. Whatever. Either way, it's not worth it. 

People will try to convince you that your morals aren't that serious, that bending your "rules" is fine.. Nothing but a thing. You must keep in mind, their morals may differ from yours. Anything you don't feel comfortable doing, you shouldn't. Especially if you have a choice.

I live in NY, and out here morals are just as questionable as the presence of father figures around town.. Now morals are subjective, I can't belittle someone's morals because I don't favor them, it's their morals. But a lot of morals that the youth around me has and aren't shy about vocalizing, are very questionable, to me.

I don't observe to judge, I observe to understand. So I try to understand why certain morals exist now more than ever. I observe my surroundings, and my surroundings vary.. I like to explore different settings. And I notice a lot. I understand why some move the way they do, sca(red) of being hurt or used so they do the hurting and using.. I don't think that's the right way to go about it. But again, I can't tell others how to live. Those whose morals are based on preying on the hurt and weak... Smh. Then you have those that by any means they gonna get it how they live it. And depending on how they get it, it's not always the right way, to me ... But it's right to them. So who am I to say otherwise. 

I can say, that I am very aware of all the 'options' I can take advantage of, people as well.. But my morals, my character doesn't move like that. It really doesn't sit right with me. I've been called stupid on many occasions, "girl, the way you look, how people treat you.. You can have anything and everything you want, like that *snaps*" and it's like, really? You think so? Cause I don't. I don't like deceiving, I don't like to pretend. And although I'm VERY aware many like to deceive and pretend, it doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't change how I move, except how I avoid those types. 

"It doesn't matter how you get it, it's what you do with it.. That defines you" (Gavin from 666 park ave. loveee that show, even though I'm late) 

I really thought about it, does it really matter how you get it if you got it? If you know what to do with it, how you got it doesn't matter?... I really thought about it and picked it apart .. I guess it depends on what it is, no? It varies. Certain cases it might not matter how you got it, what you did with it matte(red) more. But some cases, how you got it is more important than what you did with it.. Especially if you're not too proud of how you got it, or not too proud of what you did with it... 

This where morals come in, that deciding factor. 

When considering 'IT'; You think of how to get it, and what to do with it. And you come up with your own way to go about it.. It should usually be something you're proud of. I don't believe in being ashamed in anything you do, if you know what you're doing. If you're doing what you want.. What's there to be ashamed of?  No matter how bad you want something, I'm pretty sure you can go about it your way without compromising your morals, it may take longer... The shortcuts are tempting and some moral bending, but the peace of mind in getting what you want, and staying true to yourself is euphoric. At least I like to think so.

I feel in todays era, my generation specifically many don't care how they come up as long as they do. That's fine.. For them, but for me the come up is just as important as me being up. When my story is told, I don't want to be ashamed of anything, and I don't want any holes poked in my story. I live my life to my standards, I do what I feel is right for me. No one else. Who I am, how I choose to live allows me to move with a little ease.. I know my intentions. Although my circumstances aren't what I want them to be, I don't feel the need to compromise who I am to get where I need to go. 

Moral of the story; stay true to yours. Their yours for a reason. Everything ain't for everybody.. Know yourself.  

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Demons.

Do you ever think if you're a fucked up person? Or if you just do fucked up shit? Or do you just fuck up? All of the above? Or none applies? And if it does, who's truly responsible? 

You.

I mean if everything comes back around, and the good that comes to you happens from the good you do.. You pay for every bad you do? No? Any thing unfortunate that happens to you, gotta be result of some bad you did.. I guess the degree of your bad truly shows when it comes back.. Because its usually never what you think it is. You don't think, oh this is happening because of that specific time I did this when I knew I shouldn't (sin).. You practically repressed that memory, because now here you are, going through it and you're questioning all the reasons why this is happening, why do you deserve this, you're such a good person ... Like you've never done bad. And who's gonna remind you of it if no one knows of all the bad you've done? The only person who knows, you.

Lets talk about the bad, bad is subjective right? But we can all agree what we feel is bad, is bad to us. You can sit there and find all these different forms of justifications to prove why it's okay.. but if you consider it bad, you're wrong. And in acting through the wrong consciously, sub consciously the vibes are sent.. We're going to pay for that wrong one way or another... When it comes back around. 

That's just how I see it. 

Maybe because my zodiac sign is Gemini I've always had a fascination with twins, two whole halves .. Weird but so fucking intriguing. A set whether identical or not. In movies, I used to think the angel and devil were twins.. They always were minis of whoever body they were in. And somehow they completed this person.. I was too young to fully grasp what their roles signified.. But I caught on later on. 

We all have that angel and devil in us, they appear on our shoulders as if its a scale (mental note: scale.) and our mind decides the balance. 

You're given opportunity, a turn.. A space to move. You're gonna think several things .. Those are your choices, if you sort it, you place the choices you can do with this opportunity in two piles.. Your saint pile and your sinner pile. The good, the bad. The bad may sound good and the good may sound bad. Sometimes the sinner wins and sometimes the saint has its way.. 

If you're aware of how you move you won't have to think that far back.. As you go along you notice your repetitive nature in choices and life circumstances. 

You gotta dig real deep and find who is calling the shots, we all have more than one voice, they just all sound the same cause they sounds like us, they are us... It's weird. Basically, try screaming in your mind.... You can't.. You start to speak. The tone in your mind stays the same you can speed up how fast you think but the tone stays the same. So you gotta distinguish the language. (I really talk to myself alot.) 

I'm a very bright person, in many senses... But just as bright as I am, I'm just as dark. I'm not evil, but my dark side is definitely demonic.. But it's funny, we've all got demons.. Who you think suggests the bad thrill we guiltily indulge in? But I just have one. More than enough for me.

A demon also means forceful, fierce or skillful performer in a specified activity. And I see why, the demon is the aggressor while the angel is passive. But when passive can't get shit done, the aggressor isn't waiting for shit to come around... The aggressor go and get it, even if by force. 

Why is that bad? Of course after phrasing it like that, it doesn't seem so bad.. But rarely is it ever phrased like that, if ever. It's bad because whatever we're 'not supposed to do' is forbidden, labeled taboo by us or by outsiders.. So the demons come to play .. In a way to shake us up and get us going.. The angel keeps us calm, but sometimes we have to panic, we gotta be alert and level headed while in motion, and demons like to move fast. 

Some get carried away, some run from it. But either one is equally bad. 

Getting carried away is like a drug.. We all want that thrill, and sometimes that thrill is better than we've imagined, we don't want to let go.. We dive deeper into the thrill and become dependent to the point where we go to extreme lengths to avoid going without it. No matter what the thrill is, that dependency isn't healthy. You dig yourself so deep, you can't even breathe, you suffocate and adapt to this air that without we feel like a drug addict, going through withdrawals, mind all fucked up, it's reflecting in your life. You don't even see it. You're too busy holding on to that thrill ... And running isn't any better. You live your life in fear of .. You really. You can't run from you, but you so sca(red) to see that you just keep running. Running because you sca(red) of your demons.. You sca(red) to see who you really are, what you really want.. And that's scary, not even the angel can make you feel complete, shit you probably don't feel the angel exist if you sca(red) to acknowledge the demon. Why live life like that? 

Some people are naturally evil, they can't help it. Are they bad people, to the core, maybe .. Yeah... But somebody gotta play that role, and that's what's in them. We would love the world to be pure and we would love for all of us to be pure and genuine, in a sense we are .. Just not everyone is as accepting when it doesn't resonate with what they consider pure and genuine.

That's hypocritical of society.. But whatever.

I don't think I'm a fucked up person, nor do I do fucked up shit.. Sometimes I just fuck up. I always bounce back like round ball.. The difference between my demon and my angel, is that the demon holds the rage and fire, the urgency and sometimes diabolical thoughts.. The angel holds the patience and calm cool aura.. Positive thoughts come from her. But I need both of them to get through. One without the other makes me feel empty. As if I can't be completely good or completely bad, I have to have a balance.. Idk if its for my sanity, deeper psychological reasons or I'm just genuinely programmed like this. 

So when unfortunate things happen to me, I pout a little but I suck it up and keep working, I might grumble a bit.. But I know this is just the price I have to pay for something bad I've done.. Once time is served I can receive my blessings from the good I've done. We pay for everything in some way shape or form.. We may never know how or when we're gonna pay for it, but as long as you're aware you're gonna pay.. The unfortunate things life throw our way doesn't seem to stress us as much as it would if we reacted like we're too pure to receive such injustice. 

It's life... Sometimes we pay for things that aren't even for us.. But we still have to push it through.. Grow through it and be conscious of how we move. Things are put in front of us for a few reasons, to see how you gonna act, or how everyone else around you gonna act, or sometimes both. You go through a lot of things in life. It doesn't stop, I've noticed that. And even the bad.. Reveals good.. Just like how good reveal bad.. You see how they're both needed. Certain things you won't see when you're up, you gotta come down to see it and vice versa.. Even if you go through the same things, it never happens the same way twice. My demon taught me that. 

I don't play victim. I can't. I'm accountable for the bad just as much as the good in my life, the only difference is I don't really include others in my bad.. I'll share my good, never my bad.. It's my bad not yours. You're paying for your own shit. You don't need mine. But the good, I mean who doesn't want to feel good? That's why I guess I embrace my bad, real tight even when it hurts.. the good always feel so much better.