You.
I mean if everything comes back around, and the good that comes to you happens from the good you do.. You pay for every bad you do? No? Any thing unfortunate that happens to you, gotta be result of some bad you did.. I guess the degree of your bad truly shows when it comes back.. Because its usually never what you think it is. You don't think, oh this is happening because of that specific time I did this when I knew I shouldn't (sin).. You practically repressed that memory, because now here you are, going through it and you're questioning all the reasons why this is happening, why do you deserve this, you're such a good person ... Like you've never done bad. And who's gonna remind you of it if no one knows of all the bad you've done? The only person who knows, you.
Lets talk about the bad, bad is subjective right? But we can all agree what we feel is bad, is bad to us. You can sit there and find all these different forms of justifications to prove why it's okay.. but if you consider it bad, you're wrong. And in acting through the wrong consciously, sub consciously the vibes are sent.. We're going to pay for that wrong one way or another... When it comes back around.
That's just how I see it.
Maybe because my zodiac sign is Gemini I've always had a fascination with twins, two whole halves .. Weird but so fucking intriguing. A set whether identical or not. In movies, I used to think the angel and devil were twins.. They always were minis of whoever body they were in. And somehow they completed this person.. I was too young to fully grasp what their roles signified.. But I caught on later on.
We all have that angel and devil in us, they appear on our shoulders as if its a scale (mental note: scale.) and our mind decides the balance.
You're given opportunity, a turn.. A space to move. You're gonna think several things .. Those are your choices, if you sort it, you place the choices you can do with this opportunity in two piles.. Your saint pile and your sinner pile. The good, the bad. The bad may sound good and the good may sound bad. Sometimes the sinner wins and sometimes the saint has its way..
If you're aware of how you move you won't have to think that far back.. As you go along you notice your repetitive nature in choices and life circumstances.
You gotta dig real deep and find who is calling the shots, we all have more than one voice, they just all sound the same cause they sounds like us, they are us... It's weird. Basically, try screaming in your mind.... You can't.. You start to speak. The tone in your mind stays the same you can speed up how fast you think but the tone stays the same. So you gotta distinguish the language. (I really talk to myself alot.)
I'm a very bright person, in many senses... But just as bright as I am, I'm just as dark. I'm not evil, but my dark side is definitely demonic.. But it's funny, we've all got demons.. Who you think suggests the bad thrill we guiltily indulge in? But I just have one. More than enough for me.
A demon also means forceful, fierce or skillful performer in a specified activity. And I see why, the demon is the aggressor while the angel is passive. But when passive can't get shit done, the aggressor isn't waiting for shit to come around... The aggressor go and get it, even if by force.
Why is that bad? Of course after phrasing it like that, it doesn't seem so bad.. But rarely is it ever phrased like that, if ever. It's bad because whatever we're 'not supposed to do' is forbidden, labeled taboo by us or by outsiders.. So the demons come to play .. In a way to shake us up and get us going.. The angel keeps us calm, but sometimes we have to panic, we gotta be alert and level headed while in motion, and demons like to move fast.
Some get carried away, some run from it. But either one is equally bad.
Getting carried away is like a drug.. We all want that thrill, and sometimes that thrill is better than we've imagined, we don't want to let go.. We dive deeper into the thrill and become dependent to the point where we go to extreme lengths to avoid going without it. No matter what the thrill is, that dependency isn't healthy. You dig yourself so deep, you can't even breathe, you suffocate and adapt to this air that without we feel like a drug addict, going through withdrawals, mind all fucked up, it's reflecting in your life. You don't even see it. You're too busy holding on to that thrill ... And running isn't any better. You live your life in fear of .. You really. You can't run from you, but you so sca(red) to see that you just keep running. Running because you sca(red) of your demons.. You sca(red) to see who you really are, what you really want.. And that's scary, not even the angel can make you feel complete, shit you probably don't feel the angel exist if you sca(red) to acknowledge the demon. Why live life like that?
Some people are naturally evil, they can't help it. Are they bad people, to the core, maybe .. Yeah... But somebody gotta play that role, and that's what's in them. We would love the world to be pure and we would love for all of us to be pure and genuine, in a sense we are .. Just not everyone is as accepting when it doesn't resonate with what they consider pure and genuine.
That's hypocritical of society.. But whatever.
I don't think I'm a fucked up person, nor do I do fucked up shit.. Sometimes I just fuck up. I always bounce back like round ball.. The difference between my demon and my angel, is that the demon holds the rage and fire, the urgency and sometimes diabolical thoughts.. The angel holds the patience and calm cool aura.. Positive thoughts come from her. But I need both of them to get through. One without the other makes me feel empty. As if I can't be completely good or completely bad, I have to have a balance.. Idk if its for my sanity, deeper psychological reasons or I'm just genuinely programmed like this.
So when unfortunate things happen to me, I pout a little but I suck it up and keep working, I might grumble a bit.. But I know this is just the price I have to pay for something bad I've done.. Once time is served I can receive my blessings from the good I've done. We pay for everything in some way shape or form.. We may never know how or when we're gonna pay for it, but as long as you're aware you're gonna pay.. The unfortunate things life throw our way doesn't seem to stress us as much as it would if we reacted like we're too pure to receive such injustice.
It's life... Sometimes we pay for things that aren't even for us.. But we still have to push it through.. Grow through it and be conscious of how we move. Things are put in front of us for a few reasons, to see how you gonna act, or how everyone else around you gonna act, or sometimes both. You go through a lot of things in life. It doesn't stop, I've noticed that. And even the bad.. Reveals good.. Just like how good reveal bad.. You see how they're both needed. Certain things you won't see when you're up, you gotta come down to see it and vice versa.. Even if you go through the same things, it never happens the same way twice. My demon taught me that.
I don't play victim. I can't. I'm accountable for the bad just as much as the good in my life, the only difference is I don't really include others in my bad.. I'll share my good, never my bad.. It's my bad not yours. You're paying for your own shit. You don't need mine. But the good, I mean who doesn't want to feel good? That's why I guess I embrace my bad, real tight even when it hurts.. the good always feel so much better.
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