Fuck up.

Sometimes I feel like a complete fuck up, 

Then I tell myself to shut the fuck up.. 

You're really a genius.. Don't forget. 

Yeah I know, I know ... 

But how can you not feel like shit every now and then, when you know who you could be is just within arms reach, and the only reason you can't reach.. Is because of who you are today. 

You're not there yet... What the fuck? 

I gotta be fucking up. 

Tell me how I'm not... 

-not your time.. Every thing take time.. 

You're young.. Blah blah. 

I get it. I swear that I get it. 

The 30 day challenge introduced me to another writer, great voice..I read her blogs.. This particular one though.. Was dead on. (http://t.co/Ocgzwe6xUH) we live completely different lives, we're two different people.. But she and her friends (mentioned in post) gets it. 

You really do compare how what should be vs what is, and of course no matter how good what is maybe, we'll feel what should be is better. 

It's hard sometimes, when you know what you're truly capable of, but you feel so crippled. It's frustrating.. Sure you appreciate everything around you, and you certainly appreciate who you are, who you're becoming... But when you truly know who you're meant to be.. It's mindfucking at times.. I'm a thinker.. I can't help it. I need to slow down, I wish I could. 

My mind moving too fast... My actions are feeling crippled so my efforts are just continuing to build endurance. It's my only hope to ever keep up with my thought process...

All these ideas, I gotta be extremely flexible.. In more ways than one. I have to be able to flex as my mind ticks.. 

People around me tell me they're proud of me for (whatever it is in particular they're proud of) and I say thanks, appreciate that.. then I think, even though I don't. Not trying to sound like a ungrateful bitch. But I just feel like I'm doing what I have to do.. Not really what I want to do, but I just gotta get shit done. (I think I said this before. Hm.) 

I'm 22.. To many, I'm a baby.. They expect me to want to be pampe(red) and fed.. Unwilling to do for me.. I'm young.. I just want to play all day.. Life is one big joke to me. (And it is, one of the most serious hilarious jokes ever told. But that's for another day) 

But I'm serious.. I do joke and kid. But I expect so much more for myself, and honestly, I'm acting like I don't deserve it.. I keep rejecting things like I'm not smart enough to realize the benefits of opportunity. Fucking up, acting stupid. I'm still stubborn. One day I will shed that shit off for good.. I guess it is cause I'm young.. But young and dumb aren't synonymous. That's where many get confused. They think because they were dumb at my age, I just have to be. Well guess who's wrong? You. Guess who just corrected another one of theirs? Me .. I had someone tell me I need guidance I laughed, told him he was probably right..

I guide myself, to allow someone to take over.. Like a blind person, only the top seeing eye dog can guide me. I'm Stevie wonder to the bullshit. [nodisrespecttoStevie]

Thank god for herbal meditation. 

I swear just as I'm about to lose my cool, I blow some steam, close my eyes and breathe. 

I remind myself of where I'm going, and how everything I'm encountering on this journey is needed for where I end up. As long as I don't stop.. I'll get there. 

Fucks up and all. 

As long as I don't stop.

I just won't stop.