Open.

I'm not ..

Knock before entering. Announce before you stop by. I'm just closed all around.

I am however open to, new .. Experiences, emotions, compromise.

I keep my mind, ears and eyes open. My soul, and heart closed.

My mind has to remain open for it to grow, and my ears/eyes are how my mind is fed. Food for thoughts .. What a nutritious diet I'm on.

My soul .. So deep in depth .. To compare it to the 13ft pool side would still be too shallow. To dig deep into my soul and find your way out with the same eyes is rare .. If you even make it out alive. So I close it off. To spare you...and me. Of questions I may not want to answer, but I won't lie when asked, answers you may not want to hear, but feel its the only way to even begin to understand me.. Spare you the sick and twisted me, to protect the image you created of what I've selectively decided to show you.. An image I had a hand in creating, and as you soul search.. The left hand will wipe away the edited illusion..revealing me in my entirety.. You're not ready. I'm not ready. So closed it shall remain.

My heart, so strong it hurts. The beat pounds as profusely as concert bass. To overwhelm you with my entire heart is not what I intend, but many can't handle that type of love. The type of love I don't show, but you feel it when I'm in your presence, even through the wireless links that connects us. You feel it. Your heart won't doubt it, but your eyes will .. The mind games you'll play with yourself because I've given you my all in such an unconventional way is unfair to you.. I try to avoid that, but I will forever be by your side and love you for who you are. But not everyone is like me, not everyone is worthy of a love like mine. So I close it off. Special entry only.

But yet as closed off as I am, I'm open.

I'm like a museum.. And some of my exhibits are closed off.. Open only on special occasions.

I should be more open.. With what I'm already open with. I'm like one foot in, one foot out.

Lord, you should see how open people get when I open up even a little bit.

I really do love who I am, everything about me. Even my negative attributes, they make me, Meee. Wonderful me.
Crazy me. Stubborn me. Sarcastic me. Kiddie me. Funny me. Philosophical me. Spiritual me. Sexual me. Intellectual me. Thug me. Real as can be, I'm really just me. I do look in the mirror and am more content with who I am than who I'm not. I don't wish to be anyone else, can't no one else be me.

I'm trying to be more open, with hobbies and interests of mine. But to be open ..

Like a gallery on its grand unveiling night everyone would show up, and judge.

As much as we would like to think people don't judge, we're wrong. Life is a judge in itself. People will judge even if they don't speak. It's like instinct.

So to put myself out in the open. I will be exposing myself to judgment.. Positive or negative. I know more than often people will conceal how they truly feel about you, keep their thoughts to themselves. And some will judge and never speak. And some will do nothing but speak. I thought to myself, can I handle this? Will I try to drive myself crazy trying to figure out if the judgment I'm receiving is genuine, and what about what's not being said? I'm sure it's being said when I'm not around .. But if I'm not around to hear it, did they even make a sound? Will they try to break me down? Or build me up?

And it hit me. I don't give a fuck.

I just wanna know these things for the sake of knowing, and not knowing kills me (that's just with everything). But they won't. Nothing said to me or about me can nor will it change who I am, what I stand for, and what my heart desires ..
I really can't be broken.

And then it finally hit me.
I can be finally be open.

I can share with others all the pieces that make me who I am .. For them to either accept it or reject it .. Doesn't make me feel any less or any more.
I am whole.


I am who matters, first and foremost and Last but not least.

As long as I can rest easy and smile when I look in the mirror, I don't have any complaints.

Funny, this blog really help me write my wrongs. It's been so long .. I'm finally Righting my wrongs. Ironically in the open.