Emotions.

I'm not as affectionate as others would like me to be.. But I'm very in tuned with my emotions. You can speak, and I'll feel what you mean .. I can think of something and bring immediate tears to my eyes. I get shivers and waves of electric feeling during a conversation or the presence of someone I'm fond of.

So why am I always conside(red) cold-hearted? .. Distant? Careless? At times even insensitive.

If anything I feel more than most. I just hide it so well. My poker face indestructible. They don't see emotion, think its not there. Some are even sca(red) to show theirs. But it's there .. Behind the mask my pride has painted so beautifully. It's like I'm numb to the urge to reveal those emotions.

Lord knows, I want to feel comfortable revealing them. Show the world how I truly feel, what and who I truly love when I'm feeling it.

I have a thing of keeping things private. I won't talk about things or people I really care about so much, to people outside my circle. Anyone would know exactly how to harm me .. (I really think I was a thug in a past life.) I like to keep those sac(red) close to me.

People have a thing of attacking things and people you love, pointing out imperfections and shouting out flaws .. Like you care. You know these flaws and imperfections as well as their character, soul and mind. You don't care. But people won't leave you alone, they'll try to attack it until you crack. I'm not having that.

I don't ever feel the need to defend what and who I hold close to my heart. And I don't. I'm never phased by remarks, shit I'm rarely ever phased. I'm so weird.

It's like nothing moves me but I feel everything.

Vulnerability ..

Oh how I have a love hate relationship with you.

I'm so strong mentally, will power is what keeps me from being over vulnerable. I am smart enough to know better even when my foolish heart wants to dive knowing its nothing but a rocky ending awaiting. But when you meet someone who makes you feel so vulnerable yet never takes advantage .. It's a high that no strand of marijuana can compete with.

But as smart as I am, I know that never lasts long. Eventually advantage gets taken, and hearts get to breaking. I am not fond of heart break, I am also not fond of rejection (I fully understand that concept that 'everyone is not into you.' )

"I keep a calm, cool exterior and it never fails" .. Never.

I'm not one to lay all my cards on the table at the beginning of the game. But I will if I feel you'll do the same. Genuinely feel.

I genuinely feel people don't care. Too concerned with their own lives, I'm not mad at them.. I'm concerned with mine as well. Which is why I rarely speak of what's going on with me, what I'm feeling. I'll figure it out with my consultant (me).

Because honestly .. 95% of my conversations have nothing to do with me. Unless you count MY opinion on something concerning someone else life or problem. I only talk about myself on social networks and this blog. Weird right? I mean 5% of the time is okay considering I talk to myself all the time anyway so the 5% of actual ME talk with others is just additional insight. Never requi(red).

I been spending my entire life speaking to myself trying to figure out this emotional wreck I've become throughout the years. It's to a point I've done hit so many loops and turns I have yet to pinpoint the true root of it all.

But I can't tell people this, no .. Cristina? You? Emotional wreck? You lying! I'd never guess...

Yeah I mean, how could you? I hide it so well.

I don't want to hide anymore.

But to come out of hiding, I'd have to come out strong on two feet .. To crawl out would be a dishonor to my character. Like I have no fucking respect for myself. That's not what I do.

But I don't want to hide anymore.

As I knock down every wall I built and begin to build new ones. Surely I won't have to hide behind them, just reside in them. Entering and leaving when I please .. No longer hiding.