Everyone has things they take personally.
People act on self interest. Despite what one may say.. If you don't want to do something, you don't. If doing something for someone gives you a sense of satisfaction, it's self interest. Your intentions may be good. But let's not deny the selfishness of human nature.
As humans it's natural for us to put ourselves first... if not all, majority of humans do so. The other side usually gets fucked over time and time again; they have yet to grasp the concept that doing things because it will make others happy without considering their own level of happiness, never works out in their favor.
Crazy is doing the same thing and expecting different results.
Only do things that personally make you happy. If doing something doesn't bring joy to you. Don't do it for long, if at all. Your soul deteriorates each moment you don't please yourself.
Please yourself .. Pleasing everyone has never worked, someone's always left upset or wanting more. But you can please yourself every time if you choose to.
Take that personally.
Personally, I'm not a people pleaser.. Ima self pleaser. I've been called selfish in the past. But I don't deny that anything I do is ultimately in my best interest. If not, there's really no purpose for me. Bringing joy in others does bring me joy. But best believe if it doesn't bring me joy or some sort of satisfaction, I'm not doing it.
People take this personally.
People want to believe that you put their needs before yours because their needs are more important in their eyes. Is that not self-interest?
How the fuck can you fault me for putting myself first and you in the backseat, if you want me to put your needs ahead of mine? I don't get it.
People can be very hypocritical when it comes to that. I used to be guilty of it too, but not like them. (Hov voice)
I actually encourage people to be more selfish .. There's nothing sadder than a person who wasted their life pleasing everyone while wallowing in their own misery. Fuck that. You don't know when you're gonna die, why waste life ensuring others happiness if you haven't even got your own happiness secure?
Seeing someone do what they want to do and the glow from their faces as they do it is priceless. I love seeing people happy. And nothing makes people happier than following their hearts desires.. Why would you not encourage that? Why wouldn't you follow that for yourself?
It is not God's will merely that we should be happy, but that we should make ourselves happy. ~ Kant
Monday, January 28, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Law 25: Re-Create Yourself.
I understood that I was inventing myself and that I was doing this more in the way of a painter than in the way of a scientist. I could not count on precision or calculation; I could only count on intuition. I did not have anything exactly in mind, but when the picture was complete I would know. — Jamaica Kincaid
Nobody built like you, you designed yourself. — Jay-Z
Nobody built like you, you designed yourself. — Jay-Z
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Men.
I have a post about boys. But for some time now, I've stopped dealing with boys and ente(red) the world of men.
Being a man is not something that comes with age, but with responsibility. A man takes care of his business, a boy finds excuses not to take care of his business. The same goes to differentiate the girls from the women..
Let me back track, to the first man in my life.. Would be my step father (my sperm donor wasn't around.. And when we met I didn't like him) in his eyes, I'm his daughter and can't no one tell him different. I love him, he's a real man. I may not be his daughter but he played the father role down to the tee. But I always acknowledge the fact that's he's my siblings father and not technically mine but I'm forever grateful that he views me as one of his own.
Second.. My uncle Ralph. The greatest man ever. May his soul rest in peace. He taught me left from right.. How to be slick and a few tricks, here and there. From his influence on television, sports and music, to real life talks.. He was the best uncle ever. He never made any of my siblings and I feel stupid, he helped us grow a tough skin with his slick jokes, testing us to stand up to him as we would anyone else. You know how they say females want guys who are like their dad? Well I want a guy like my uncle.
He's the first man who I learned so much from, and he would tell me never to be with a man I can't learn from. And I have yet to do so.
I love men.
I love everything about them. How they speak, how they eat, the facial expressions they make when something aint right, the way they dress.. The passion in their eyes when they're talking that real shit. How they touch me, greet me .. Watching them handle their business in and out the sheets? Lorddddd *fake faints*
I love men so much, I waited until I was mentally old enough to begin dealing with them in a more personal level. I lost my virginity when I was 17(premeditated I wanted to be at least slightly experienced before I moved on to men), before that I just studied boys.. Admi(red) the men from afar and studied them as well. Study their ticks and tocks and what makes their clocks go 'round.
All men are truly different. My theory; Men are dogs. Different breeds of dogs. Good dogs, bad dogs .. But dogs nonetheless. They're loyal, will protect you and love you unconditionally.. but they can't resist their animalistic urge to pounce on who ever they find appealing. Some of the advanced dogs got their urges under strict lock down. But trust, the fact that he can control it now..is because at one point he couldn't. Applaud those men. Resisting temptation isn't easy for everyone.
It's all a mind thing.
Speaking of mind. I like my men with alot of it. Nothing compares to a man with a mind, a great mind. That's usually how they get me.. Smooth talkers are a little sweet spot for me. I have a very slick mouth and nothing turns me on more than a man who can keep up. Witty banter makes my knees weak. Only men can do that.
Men like to control situations so being on his A game is natural .. A boy, is still learning how to control situations. I like people on their A game. The mental games played between two adults, is ironically not even a game but more like a decoding process.. And once you crack the code, you get low. Not everybody can crack codes in conversations... Some get lost in translation. Not being as clever and upfront all while being charming is only a challenge to a child.. And I'm quite grown. Men have this maste(red) this beautifully.
I look at my choices in men and the few boys who slightly paved the way for the men I chose after them. I have no regrets. I really have this choosing thing pretty down pact. Even if it doesn't end well. They were men. And I learned something. And thankfully I seem to be gifted in the sexual selection process as well. (I really am grateful for that. I hear all these horror stories about these wack ass experiences and It's crazy). Crazy thing is I haven't been with many men, but I make my men count. (I think that's a Mae West quote, remixed a little bit if I'm not mistaken)
I feel like choosing men is more about what YOU want (knowing what you want is key in life not only in men) from a man and seeing if WHO you want fits WHAT you want from men in general. They don't always go hand in hand. Even if you want someone, if you know they're not willing or capable of giving you what you need from them.. Don't dive in it. It's literally a waste of time. Time spent trying to change a person? Time wasted. Save yourself some time and heartache and be honest. With yourself and them.
I feel as females we have this thing where (even if its not intentional) we plan everything including other people's roles in our lives based on what we feel we need from them. Now the problem with this lies that often, this person isn't aware of this role they've been given .. Shit, you never even conside(red) that maybe they're not ready for that role or maybe they just don't want it with you.
It's reality. Face it. Embrace it.
Now you put all your eggs in this basket along with your him and you turn the pressure up .. Pressure that isn't even acknowledged by him until it's made known that's it's there (usually after we're fed up with his "bullshit", the same bullshit we tolerate but hope he change it .. Which is kinda like enabling.) By then men are so comfortable (dogs get comfortable easily with women) and so set in their ways (can't teach an old dog new tricks) that to even request this type of change is absurd. They'll say something like .. I was this way when you met me. And it's true.
You were so caught up in his potential and what you could see you two being that you overlooked what was right in front of you .. Kinda like reading a contract and not reading the fine print. You always know what you sign up for.. If you don't. You didn't do enough research. And by the time you realized you igno(red) all the signs that warned you, you'll be in too deep.
You'll already invested time, emotions, thoughts, and lord knows you don't wanna be wrong about this one again.. So nope you gonna troop it out, you gonna make this work. Sad... Just breaks my heart. All this does is waste more time. Time you could be spending enjoying life and meeting men who already have their shit together; one that you'll love who he is at the moment, not what he could be in the future.
Because forever truly doesn't exist. We only have now. All I care about is now. And if you're not what I need NOW, I won't force you to become that for me.. That's selfish. I just won't deal with you. I know plenty of men who have the potential to be a great man to a lucky lady.. When they're ready. When they're willing. You can never force that. And if you're foolish enough to try ('sometimes men need a push'... Nope. Only boys need a push, Men take initiative.) I don't feel empathy.. We set ourselves up for the kill. Our force only excites the trigger finger and boom. Murder she wrote. We know when shit is gonna go sour or when someone isn't worth it. Our intuition is always proven to be accurate.. But yet, we ignore it and try anyway .. Our eyes playing tricks on us and our hearts just buys it while telling the mind to hush up.
As a woman you have to accept responsibility when dealing with men. It takes two to tango. Don't act like you ain't wanna dance cause you realized the song on repeat now. Who told you it wasn't? Oh. In the end you can either step up or step off. It's simple. Don't let your ego and emotions cloud up the crystal clear truth. Especially with all these beautiful men out here. Don't nobody got time to be wasting on some no good men when there's another out there who's everything you need and more. Don't feel the need to settle for what's in front of you, just because you sca(red) to look.
With men, the more specific you are about what you want and need from them, the easier it is to filter all the men who aren't that.
To be with a man, you have to be a woman. A man with a girl is a father. He takes care of you. Without him you can't really survive (little girl lost). A woman can hold her own with or without a man. A man recognizes this and eases her load.. A boy would feed off that.. A man feeds that. He wants you to grow just as much as you enable him to grow. A man is provider, protector and a woman is the nurturer. We're very good at nurturing, but nurturing weeds won't get you flowers. Keep that in mind.
A beautiful equation when a man and a woman come together and just multiply everything they've brought to the table. The more you want from a man/woman should equally match what you're willing to give. Nothing more, nothing less.
A man taught me that.
Being a man is not something that comes with age, but with responsibility. A man takes care of his business, a boy finds excuses not to take care of his business. The same goes to differentiate the girls from the women..
Let me back track, to the first man in my life.. Would be my step father (my sperm donor wasn't around.. And when we met I didn't like him) in his eyes, I'm his daughter and can't no one tell him different. I love him, he's a real man. I may not be his daughter but he played the father role down to the tee. But I always acknowledge the fact that's he's my siblings father and not technically mine but I'm forever grateful that he views me as one of his own.
Second.. My uncle Ralph. The greatest man ever. May his soul rest in peace. He taught me left from right.. How to be slick and a few tricks, here and there. From his influence on television, sports and music, to real life talks.. He was the best uncle ever. He never made any of my siblings and I feel stupid, he helped us grow a tough skin with his slick jokes, testing us to stand up to him as we would anyone else. You know how they say females want guys who are like their dad? Well I want a guy like my uncle.
He's the first man who I learned so much from, and he would tell me never to be with a man I can't learn from. And I have yet to do so.
I love men.
I love everything about them. How they speak, how they eat, the facial expressions they make when something aint right, the way they dress.. The passion in their eyes when they're talking that real shit. How they touch me, greet me .. Watching them handle their business in and out the sheets? Lorddddd *fake faints*
I love men so much, I waited until I was mentally old enough to begin dealing with them in a more personal level. I lost my virginity when I was 17(premeditated I wanted to be at least slightly experienced before I moved on to men), before that I just studied boys.. Admi(red) the men from afar and studied them as well. Study their ticks and tocks and what makes their clocks go 'round.
All men are truly different. My theory; Men are dogs. Different breeds of dogs. Good dogs, bad dogs .. But dogs nonetheless. They're loyal, will protect you and love you unconditionally.. but they can't resist their animalistic urge to pounce on who ever they find appealing. Some of the advanced dogs got their urges under strict lock down. But trust, the fact that he can control it now..is because at one point he couldn't. Applaud those men. Resisting temptation isn't easy for everyone.
It's all a mind thing.
Speaking of mind. I like my men with alot of it. Nothing compares to a man with a mind, a great mind. That's usually how they get me.. Smooth talkers are a little sweet spot for me. I have a very slick mouth and nothing turns me on more than a man who can keep up. Witty banter makes my knees weak. Only men can do that.
Men like to control situations so being on his A game is natural .. A boy, is still learning how to control situations. I like people on their A game. The mental games played between two adults, is ironically not even a game but more like a decoding process.. And once you crack the code, you get low. Not everybody can crack codes in conversations... Some get lost in translation. Not being as clever and upfront all while being charming is only a challenge to a child.. And I'm quite grown. Men have this maste(red) this beautifully.
I look at my choices in men and the few boys who slightly paved the way for the men I chose after them. I have no regrets. I really have this choosing thing pretty down pact. Even if it doesn't end well. They were men. And I learned something. And thankfully I seem to be gifted in the sexual selection process as well. (I really am grateful for that. I hear all these horror stories about these wack ass experiences and It's crazy). Crazy thing is I haven't been with many men, but I make my men count. (I think that's a Mae West quote, remixed a little bit if I'm not mistaken)
I feel like choosing men is more about what YOU want (knowing what you want is key in life not only in men) from a man and seeing if WHO you want fits WHAT you want from men in general. They don't always go hand in hand. Even if you want someone, if you know they're not willing or capable of giving you what you need from them.. Don't dive in it. It's literally a waste of time. Time spent trying to change a person? Time wasted. Save yourself some time and heartache and be honest. With yourself and them.
I feel as females we have this thing where (even if its not intentional) we plan everything including other people's roles in our lives based on what we feel we need from them. Now the problem with this lies that often, this person isn't aware of this role they've been given .. Shit, you never even conside(red) that maybe they're not ready for that role or maybe they just don't want it with you.
It's reality. Face it. Embrace it.
Now you put all your eggs in this basket along with your him and you turn the pressure up .. Pressure that isn't even acknowledged by him until it's made known that's it's there (usually after we're fed up with his "bullshit", the same bullshit we tolerate but hope he change it .. Which is kinda like enabling.) By then men are so comfortable (dogs get comfortable easily with women) and so set in their ways (can't teach an old dog new tricks) that to even request this type of change is absurd. They'll say something like .. I was this way when you met me. And it's true.
You were so caught up in his potential and what you could see you two being that you overlooked what was right in front of you .. Kinda like reading a contract and not reading the fine print. You always know what you sign up for.. If you don't. You didn't do enough research. And by the time you realized you igno(red) all the signs that warned you, you'll be in too deep.
You'll already invested time, emotions, thoughts, and lord knows you don't wanna be wrong about this one again.. So nope you gonna troop it out, you gonna make this work. Sad... Just breaks my heart. All this does is waste more time. Time you could be spending enjoying life and meeting men who already have their shit together; one that you'll love who he is at the moment, not what he could be in the future.
Because forever truly doesn't exist. We only have now. All I care about is now. And if you're not what I need NOW, I won't force you to become that for me.. That's selfish. I just won't deal with you. I know plenty of men who have the potential to be a great man to a lucky lady.. When they're ready. When they're willing. You can never force that. And if you're foolish enough to try ('sometimes men need a push'... Nope. Only boys need a push, Men take initiative.) I don't feel empathy.. We set ourselves up for the kill. Our force only excites the trigger finger and boom. Murder she wrote. We know when shit is gonna go sour or when someone isn't worth it. Our intuition is always proven to be accurate.. But yet, we ignore it and try anyway .. Our eyes playing tricks on us and our hearts just buys it while telling the mind to hush up.
As a woman you have to accept responsibility when dealing with men. It takes two to tango. Don't act like you ain't wanna dance cause you realized the song on repeat now. Who told you it wasn't? Oh. In the end you can either step up or step off. It's simple. Don't let your ego and emotions cloud up the crystal clear truth. Especially with all these beautiful men out here. Don't nobody got time to be wasting on some no good men when there's another out there who's everything you need and more. Don't feel the need to settle for what's in front of you, just because you sca(red) to look.
With men, the more specific you are about what you want and need from them, the easier it is to filter all the men who aren't that.
To be with a man, you have to be a woman. A man with a girl is a father. He takes care of you. Without him you can't really survive (little girl lost). A woman can hold her own with or without a man. A man recognizes this and eases her load.. A boy would feed off that.. A man feeds that. He wants you to grow just as much as you enable him to grow. A man is provider, protector and a woman is the nurturer. We're very good at nurturing, but nurturing weeds won't get you flowers. Keep that in mind.
A beautiful equation when a man and a woman come together and just multiply everything they've brought to the table. The more you want from a man/woman should equally match what you're willing to give. Nothing more, nothing less.
A man taught me that.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Open.
I'm not ..
Knock before entering. Announce before you stop by. I'm just closed all around.
I am however open to, new .. Experiences, emotions, compromise.
I keep my mind, ears and eyes open. My soul, and heart closed.
My mind has to remain open for it to grow, and my ears/eyes are how my mind is fed. Food for thoughts .. What a nutritious diet I'm on.
My soul .. So deep in depth .. To compare it to the 13ft pool side would still be too shallow. To dig deep into my soul and find your way out with the same eyes is rare .. If you even make it out alive. So I close it off. To spare you...and me. Of questions I may not want to answer, but I won't lie when asked, answers you may not want to hear, but feel its the only way to even begin to understand me.. Spare you the sick and twisted me, to protect the image you created of what I've selectively decided to show you.. An image I had a hand in creating, and as you soul search.. The left hand will wipe away the edited illusion..revealing me in my entirety.. You're not ready. I'm not ready. So closed it shall remain.
My heart, so strong it hurts. The beat pounds as profusely as concert bass. To overwhelm you with my entire heart is not what I intend, but many can't handle that type of love. The type of love I don't show, but you feel it when I'm in your presence, even through the wireless links that connects us. You feel it. Your heart won't doubt it, but your eyes will .. The mind games you'll play with yourself because I've given you my all in such an unconventional way is unfair to you.. I try to avoid that, but I will forever be by your side and love you for who you are. But not everyone is like me, not everyone is worthy of a love like mine. So I close it off. Special entry only.
But yet as closed off as I am, I'm open.
I'm like a museum.. And some of my exhibits are closed off.. Open only on special occasions.
I should be more open.. With what I'm already open with. I'm like one foot in, one foot out.
Lord, you should see how open people get when I open up even a little bit.
I really do love who I am, everything about me. Even my negative attributes, they make me, Meee. Wonderful me.
Crazy me. Stubborn me. Sarcastic me. Kiddie me. Funny me. Philosophical me. Spiritual me. Sexual me. Intellectual me. Thug me. Real as can be, I'm really just me. I do look in the mirror and am more content with who I am than who I'm not. I don't wish to be anyone else, can't no one else be me.
I'm trying to be more open, with hobbies and interests of mine. But to be open ..
Like a gallery on its grand unveiling night everyone would show up, and judge.
As much as we would like to think people don't judge, we're wrong. Life is a judge in itself. People will judge even if they don't speak. It's like instinct.
So to put myself out in the open. I will be exposing myself to judgment.. Positive or negative. I know more than often people will conceal how they truly feel about you, keep their thoughts to themselves. And some will judge and never speak. And some will do nothing but speak. I thought to myself, can I handle this? Will I try to drive myself crazy trying to figure out if the judgment I'm receiving is genuine, and what about what's not being said? I'm sure it's being said when I'm not around .. But if I'm not around to hear it, did they even make a sound? Will they try to break me down? Or build me up?
And it hit me. I don't give a fuck.
I just wanna know these things for the sake of knowing, and not knowing kills me (that's just with everything). But they won't. Nothing said to me or about me can nor will it change who I am, what I stand for, and what my heart desires ..
I really can't be broken.
And then it finally hit me.
I can be finally be open.
I can share with others all the pieces that make me who I am .. For them to either accept it or reject it .. Doesn't make me feel any less or any more.
I am whole.
I am who matters, first and foremost and Last but not least.
As long as I can rest easy and smile when I look in the mirror, I don't have any complaints.
Funny, this blog really help me write my wrongs. It's been so long .. I'm finally Righting my wrongs. Ironically in the open.
Knock before entering. Announce before you stop by. I'm just closed all around.
I am however open to, new .. Experiences, emotions, compromise.
I keep my mind, ears and eyes open. My soul, and heart closed.
My mind has to remain open for it to grow, and my ears/eyes are how my mind is fed. Food for thoughts .. What a nutritious diet I'm on.
My soul .. So deep in depth .. To compare it to the 13ft pool side would still be too shallow. To dig deep into my soul and find your way out with the same eyes is rare .. If you even make it out alive. So I close it off. To spare you...and me. Of questions I may not want to answer, but I won't lie when asked, answers you may not want to hear, but feel its the only way to even begin to understand me.. Spare you the sick and twisted me, to protect the image you created of what I've selectively decided to show you.. An image I had a hand in creating, and as you soul search.. The left hand will wipe away the edited illusion..revealing me in my entirety.. You're not ready. I'm not ready. So closed it shall remain.
My heart, so strong it hurts. The beat pounds as profusely as concert bass. To overwhelm you with my entire heart is not what I intend, but many can't handle that type of love. The type of love I don't show, but you feel it when I'm in your presence, even through the wireless links that connects us. You feel it. Your heart won't doubt it, but your eyes will .. The mind games you'll play with yourself because I've given you my all in such an unconventional way is unfair to you.. I try to avoid that, but I will forever be by your side and love you for who you are. But not everyone is like me, not everyone is worthy of a love like mine. So I close it off. Special entry only.
But yet as closed off as I am, I'm open.
I'm like a museum.. And some of my exhibits are closed off.. Open only on special occasions.
I should be more open.. With what I'm already open with. I'm like one foot in, one foot out.
Lord, you should see how open people get when I open up even a little bit.
I really do love who I am, everything about me. Even my negative attributes, they make me, Meee. Wonderful me.
Crazy me. Stubborn me. Sarcastic me. Kiddie me. Funny me. Philosophical me. Spiritual me. Sexual me. Intellectual me. Thug me. Real as can be, I'm really just me. I do look in the mirror and am more content with who I am than who I'm not. I don't wish to be anyone else, can't no one else be me.
I'm trying to be more open, with hobbies and interests of mine. But to be open ..
Like a gallery on its grand unveiling night everyone would show up, and judge.
As much as we would like to think people don't judge, we're wrong. Life is a judge in itself. People will judge even if they don't speak. It's like instinct.
So to put myself out in the open. I will be exposing myself to judgment.. Positive or negative. I know more than often people will conceal how they truly feel about you, keep their thoughts to themselves. And some will judge and never speak. And some will do nothing but speak. I thought to myself, can I handle this? Will I try to drive myself crazy trying to figure out if the judgment I'm receiving is genuine, and what about what's not being said? I'm sure it's being said when I'm not around .. But if I'm not around to hear it, did they even make a sound? Will they try to break me down? Or build me up?
And it hit me. I don't give a fuck.
I just wanna know these things for the sake of knowing, and not knowing kills me (that's just with everything). But they won't. Nothing said to me or about me can nor will it change who I am, what I stand for, and what my heart desires ..
I really can't be broken.
And then it finally hit me.
I can be finally be open.
I can share with others all the pieces that make me who I am .. For them to either accept it or reject it .. Doesn't make me feel any less or any more.
I am whole.
I am who matters, first and foremost and Last but not least.
As long as I can rest easy and smile when I look in the mirror, I don't have any complaints.
Funny, this blog really help me write my wrongs. It's been so long .. I'm finally Righting my wrongs. Ironically in the open.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Age.
I'm the oldest of four. I'm the youngest everywhere else I go. I always seem to gravitate towards older crowds. They're wiser and I can relate more while learning at the same time. I feel old. Like really old.
And I'm only 21.
I have to constantly remind myself of that. I know there's way more that I need to experience but I feel like I've seen my share and my mind is so advanced. I'm always learning. I take something from every conversation I have, something I've seen or heard. I don't let nothing go to waste without me dissecting it to uncover that hidden gem. And I find it. Every time.
Since I was a kid I was constantly reminded I was young.. That's why today I speak to kids as if they were the same age as me. Like they're an individual with something to say. Not like their voice doesn't matter because of their age.
What's age?
18 and under - you don't know any better unless you commit murder, then you know better. By 18, You can't buy alcohol but you can purchase cigarettes. You're not old enough to fuck up your liver, but feel free to destroy your lungs and of those innocent bystanders. You can make the choice to vote for anyone in government and fight for your country. Ah the choices.
21.
Liquor store, strips clubs, anything X-rated. Vegas. You still can't rent a car without a cosigner. You still can't file for independent on your fasfa til your 24 ..
Age aint nothing but a number ( Aaliyah voice )
-side note. Aaliyah was as my mother would say too hot to trot. I thought I was Lusty, Lmaoo she took the cake.-
Age doesn't guarantee maturity nor intelligence as people would like to believe. You can advance your mental age or slowly deteriorate it by not expanding your knowledge. It's your choice.
You don't have to be in school to learn. School is a place where we're forced to listen because we're lead to believe if we don't come here, we won't learn anything. And it's not true. You can learn from wherever.
I feel my mind is mentally advanced, wiser beyond my actual years of existence. I'm always reading something or researching anything that sparks my curiosity because I have this insatiable hunger to know. The fact that I may never know enough fuels my mind to be rather inquisitive.
Since I know I'm not the only one, I like to help fuel people's curiosity as well. I feel you should always feed your mind when it's hungry, if you don't... How else would it grow?
Some may wait til they're older to tackle certain problems, feels as if they may get a better understanding as they age. I don't got time for all that. If I can figure something out now, I will.
Maybe that's why I can sit with groups of 30-40 yr olds, 60yr+olds, people in my age range 18-25, 25-30 and I can relate to all of them, I can hold my own in a conversation. We can dissect shit together. I can more often than not change the views of some.. Who and I quote "never thought of that way" end quote.
Many can't believe I'm only 21. They always assume I'm older. Unless I go to a bodega and ask for a Dutch; they swear I'm 15 and always ask for iD .. Smh
I'm not sca(red) to age.. I used to be. Once upon time. I used to have mini panic attacks when I would think of me getting old and dying, how small we actually are in this universe. My mind would span out like a satellite in outer space and the darkness would consume me as the world got smaller and my chest would tighten, as if I was in space with no suit on... my heart pounding and I start to cry. Wanting to yell for my mother to save me.. And it hit me. She can't save me. She can't save me from getting old or death. She's doomed the same fate. And just as soon as my heart would feel like it's gonna burst, I'll calm down... I'll force myself to relax because I never wanted to go to the hospital. I lost count of how many times that happened. A few times I actually cried for her didn't care if she couldn't save me, I just wanted to hear her calm me down. She would tell me, it's okay, why aging isn't so bad and how death is the only thing guaranteed to us.. so how bad can it really be? All while stroking my hair, love that lady man.
I have overcome that fear of dying and aging..with the urge to live. Live so grand that aging would only enhance it and death will only celebrate it.
Age is to me is just how long you've been here physically on earth. And your mentality shows me how long you've been paying attention. Alot more people need to grow up and pay attention.
But what do I know? I'm only 21.
"Embrace aging. It's very simple. As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at twenty-two, you'd always be as ignorant as you were at twenty-two. Aging is not decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's also the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it" — Mitch Albom
And I'm only 21.
I have to constantly remind myself of that. I know there's way more that I need to experience but I feel like I've seen my share and my mind is so advanced. I'm always learning. I take something from every conversation I have, something I've seen or heard. I don't let nothing go to waste without me dissecting it to uncover that hidden gem. And I find it. Every time.
Since I was a kid I was constantly reminded I was young.. That's why today I speak to kids as if they were the same age as me. Like they're an individual with something to say. Not like their voice doesn't matter because of their age.
What's age?
18 and under - you don't know any better unless you commit murder, then you know better. By 18, You can't buy alcohol but you can purchase cigarettes. You're not old enough to fuck up your liver, but feel free to destroy your lungs and of those innocent bystanders. You can make the choice to vote for anyone in government and fight for your country. Ah the choices.
21.
Liquor store, strips clubs, anything X-rated. Vegas. You still can't rent a car without a cosigner. You still can't file for independent on your fasfa til your 24 ..
Age aint nothing but a number ( Aaliyah voice )
-side note. Aaliyah was as my mother would say too hot to trot. I thought I was Lusty, Lmaoo she took the cake.-
Age doesn't guarantee maturity nor intelligence as people would like to believe. You can advance your mental age or slowly deteriorate it by not expanding your knowledge. It's your choice.
You don't have to be in school to learn. School is a place where we're forced to listen because we're lead to believe if we don't come here, we won't learn anything. And it's not true. You can learn from wherever.
I feel my mind is mentally advanced, wiser beyond my actual years of existence. I'm always reading something or researching anything that sparks my curiosity because I have this insatiable hunger to know. The fact that I may never know enough fuels my mind to be rather inquisitive.
Since I know I'm not the only one, I like to help fuel people's curiosity as well. I feel you should always feed your mind when it's hungry, if you don't... How else would it grow?
Some may wait til they're older to tackle certain problems, feels as if they may get a better understanding as they age. I don't got time for all that. If I can figure something out now, I will.
Maybe that's why I can sit with groups of 30-40 yr olds, 60yr+olds, people in my age range 18-25, 25-30 and I can relate to all of them, I can hold my own in a conversation. We can dissect shit together. I can more often than not change the views of some.. Who and I quote "never thought of that way" end quote.
Many can't believe I'm only 21. They always assume I'm older. Unless I go to a bodega and ask for a Dutch; they swear I'm 15 and always ask for iD .. Smh
I'm not sca(red) to age.. I used to be. Once upon time. I used to have mini panic attacks when I would think of me getting old and dying, how small we actually are in this universe. My mind would span out like a satellite in outer space and the darkness would consume me as the world got smaller and my chest would tighten, as if I was in space with no suit on... my heart pounding and I start to cry. Wanting to yell for my mother to save me.. And it hit me. She can't save me. She can't save me from getting old or death. She's doomed the same fate. And just as soon as my heart would feel like it's gonna burst, I'll calm down... I'll force myself to relax because I never wanted to go to the hospital. I lost count of how many times that happened. A few times I actually cried for her didn't care if she couldn't save me, I just wanted to hear her calm me down. She would tell me, it's okay, why aging isn't so bad and how death is the only thing guaranteed to us.. so how bad can it really be? All while stroking my hair, love that lady man.
I have overcome that fear of dying and aging..with the urge to live. Live so grand that aging would only enhance it and death will only celebrate it.
Age is to me is just how long you've been here physically on earth. And your mentality shows me how long you've been paying attention. Alot more people need to grow up and pay attention.
But what do I know? I'm only 21.
"Embrace aging. It's very simple. As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at twenty-two, you'd always be as ignorant as you were at twenty-two. Aging is not decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's also the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it" — Mitch Albom
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Survey says ...
b o ( r e d ) ..
1. Your ‘ex’ and you: not speaking.
2. I am listening to: Sex Therapy _ Robin Thicke
3. Maybe I should: clean up the kitchen.
4. I love: myself more than anything.
5. My best friends: The Best.
6. I don’t understand: Society.
7. I lost my respect for: people who have lost sight of what matters.
8. I last ate: two Ham&Cheese HotPockets.
9. The meaning of my display name is: too many “Crissy”s surfacing . .. smh (tumblr name CrissyWho?)
10. Someday: i’ll be fully content and my goals would be achieved
11. I will always be: Laughin, Observing and eating.
12. Love is: a tragic misconception.
13. I never ever want to lose: my memory.
14. My MySpace is: feeling neglected by me.
15. I get annoyed when: people insult my intelligent and lie to me.
16. Parties: are fun.
17. Kisses: are sweet.
18. Today: was just another day.
19. I wish: i could read minds.
20. I regret: nothing.
- 2009 online survey I took on tumblr.
I was 18.
Lol that's so funny to me for so many reasons. Firstly I read it in a calm tone and lol and then I just thought about the questions and the answers. So simple yet so appropriate.. And Alot of those answers have not changed. Lol
I was looking through my tumblr archive and stumbled upon this among other things that made me chuckle.
I'm really something else.
I love it.
1. Your ‘ex’ and you: not speaking.
2. I am listening to: Sex Therapy _ Robin Thicke
3. Maybe I should: clean up the kitchen.
4. I love: myself more than anything.
5. My best friends: The Best.
6. I don’t understand: Society.
7. I lost my respect for: people who have lost sight of what matters.
8. I last ate: two Ham&Cheese HotPockets.
9. The meaning of my display name is: too many “Crissy”s surfacing . .. smh (tumblr name CrissyWho?)
10. Someday: i’ll be fully content and my goals would be achieved
11. I will always be: Laughin, Observing and eating.
12. Love is: a tragic misconception.
13. I never ever want to lose: my memory.
14. My MySpace is: feeling neglected by me.
15. I get annoyed when: people insult my intelligent and lie to me.
16. Parties: are fun.
17. Kisses: are sweet.
18. Today: was just another day.
19. I wish: i could read minds.
20. I regret: nothing.
- 2009 online survey I took on tumblr.
I was 18.
Lol that's so funny to me for so many reasons. Firstly I read it in a calm tone and lol and then I just thought about the questions and the answers. So simple yet so appropriate.. And Alot of those answers have not changed. Lol
I was looking through my tumblr archive and stumbled upon this among other things that made me chuckle.
I'm really something else.
I love it.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Thoughts.
As I sit in the laundromat ..
My mind is on a whirlwind. What else is new?
I keep pushing myself. Really trying to break bad habits and tendencies that subconsciously hold me back. I'm finding a balance. Extract the good from my bad habits and toss the hindering shit in the trash.
I swear I'm always being tested.
I don't like tests, but I see why they're needed. Excel at what you know, discover what you don't ..
Who's testing me? ... God. Everyone. Me.
I feel I'm going through a series of test, I try not to think of it as that. But the feeling is there.
Am I failing? Passing? I have no idea.
The tests I conduct for myself without realizing it? I'm hit and miss. But I'm getting better.
I'm just trying to stay in touch with myself without losing touch with what's going on around me.. Gotta be on ya Ps and Qs ..
I don't want to end up insane.. But am I even sane now?
Everything I do is so "odd" to others but so the "norm" for me. Is everyone else crazy?
Or will my "odd" ways make others feel comfortable to reveal their not so odd sides.. Will I be the voice of reason by unanimous decision?
My attention span would have to advance I suppose.
I should've waked and baked before coming to the laundromat. Well there's always time after.
I've been getting better sleep .. Surprise surprise. I'd say since the year started, I maybe have woken up ti(red) like twice. The first day I woke up fully rested I was so shocked .. It's been so long. I'm falling asleep faster as well (but I do be ti(red) .. Not like that stopped me before) .. If you ask me, it's about time.
Speaking of time, I'm on a tight schedule. I'm working with what I have and trying my hardest not to focus on what I need and what I don't have. That has been a big problem for me in the past. And I'm trying to leave that in the past.
I'm really excited about some of the projects I'm involving myself in. Not only my own, but with others as well. Really anxious to see the final outcome.
By 25 I should be my own boss. - I tell myself this everyday. And I only say 25 because at the rate I'm going, 4 years is more than enough. I just might cut that in half .. But we'll see what happens. I have to be everything I want to be. No excuses,
People really think I joke around when I say if by my 30th birthday I don't purchase (not rent, or lease) a Bugatti sport, I'm slitting my throat. There's no fucking way by 30 I won't have millions.. Let alone one. Fuck that. The only exception to that is if I purchase it before 30 .. Why a Bugatti? It's beautiful and I like nice cars. I want to own 7 (I like to have options) but a Bugatti is $1,000,000 plus ..
I'm 21 now. In 9 years if I can't blow a million dollars and think nothing of it. I've failed myself. There's too much money out here and so many ways to get it, if you don't see $1,000,000 at least once in your life; you either didn't want it, didn't think you could get it or didn't use your resources properly. Either way it's on you.
And I feel a million dollars is not alot of money. Of course it is for someone who doesn't have it. And sure I can do alot with that now. But as surely as I can spend it, it will be gone. That's why I believe I will have way more than a few millions before its all said and done. One won't be enough, but it will certainly be a milestone.. I tend to think "big money" even if my pockets don't match it. I swear it's because my mind knows what it's worth. And no matter how much I've seen, felt and spent in my life.. I'm worth more.
But all that in due time.
My foundation is reaching its peak.
Lord knows how sturdy I've laid it down, so when shit get real.. My foundation is what's really gonna hold me down.
“People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of.” - Paulo Coelho
My mind is on a whirlwind. What else is new?
I keep pushing myself. Really trying to break bad habits and tendencies that subconsciously hold me back. I'm finding a balance. Extract the good from my bad habits and toss the hindering shit in the trash.
I swear I'm always being tested.
I don't like tests, but I see why they're needed. Excel at what you know, discover what you don't ..
Who's testing me? ... God. Everyone. Me.
I feel I'm going through a series of test, I try not to think of it as that. But the feeling is there.
Am I failing? Passing? I have no idea.
The tests I conduct for myself without realizing it? I'm hit and miss. But I'm getting better.
I'm just trying to stay in touch with myself without losing touch with what's going on around me.. Gotta be on ya Ps and Qs ..
I don't want to end up insane.. But am I even sane now?
Everything I do is so "odd" to others but so the "norm" for me. Is everyone else crazy?
Or will my "odd" ways make others feel comfortable to reveal their not so odd sides.. Will I be the voice of reason by unanimous decision?
My attention span would have to advance I suppose.
I should've waked and baked before coming to the laundromat. Well there's always time after.
I've been getting better sleep .. Surprise surprise. I'd say since the year started, I maybe have woken up ti(red) like twice. The first day I woke up fully rested I was so shocked .. It's been so long. I'm falling asleep faster as well (but I do be ti(red) .. Not like that stopped me before) .. If you ask me, it's about time.
Speaking of time, I'm on a tight schedule. I'm working with what I have and trying my hardest not to focus on what I need and what I don't have. That has been a big problem for me in the past. And I'm trying to leave that in the past.
I'm really excited about some of the projects I'm involving myself in. Not only my own, but with others as well. Really anxious to see the final outcome.
By 25 I should be my own boss. - I tell myself this everyday. And I only say 25 because at the rate I'm going, 4 years is more than enough. I just might cut that in half .. But we'll see what happens. I have to be everything I want to be. No excuses,
People really think I joke around when I say if by my 30th birthday I don't purchase (not rent, or lease) a Bugatti sport, I'm slitting my throat. There's no fucking way by 30 I won't have millions.. Let alone one. Fuck that. The only exception to that is if I purchase it before 30 .. Why a Bugatti? It's beautiful and I like nice cars. I want to own 7 (I like to have options) but a Bugatti is $1,000,000 plus ..
I'm 21 now. In 9 years if I can't blow a million dollars and think nothing of it. I've failed myself. There's too much money out here and so many ways to get it, if you don't see $1,000,000 at least once in your life; you either didn't want it, didn't think you could get it or didn't use your resources properly. Either way it's on you.
And I feel a million dollars is not alot of money. Of course it is for someone who doesn't have it. And sure I can do alot with that now. But as surely as I can spend it, it will be gone. That's why I believe I will have way more than a few millions before its all said and done. One won't be enough, but it will certainly be a milestone.. I tend to think "big money" even if my pockets don't match it. I swear it's because my mind knows what it's worth. And no matter how much I've seen, felt and spent in my life.. I'm worth more.
But all that in due time.
My foundation is reaching its peak.
Lord knows how sturdy I've laid it down, so when shit get real.. My foundation is what's really gonna hold me down.
“People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of.” - Paulo Coelho
Friday, January 11, 2013
Obstacles.
Smh ... My journey with obstacles has been a rough one. More like tough love really.
There's things I've went through that I wish I never did but the lesson in that obstacle wouldn't have hit me the same without it.
I wouldn't call my life rough. It's as rough as I make it. Some days I make life easier for me than others depending on what's thrown my way.
I'm getting better at dealing with obstacles in ways that can benefit me more. I look at it like, if you're gonna be in my way I might as well make use of your presence.
And it's funny because obstacles usually lead to bigger blessings. Or is it just that we had to fight so hard to get through, that the blessing is more appreciated...
Either way. I've learned not to let an obstacle keep me down. The days of frustration and anguish because of a road block are long gone. Those emotions only blind you, and cause even more of a frenzy than the original stress of the obstacle.
When I remain calm..or calm myself down .. I see ways to over come or atleast get it under control long enough to find a solution.
Now I've done some dumb shit in the past, and I haven't resolved all my problems. But I don't have no worries.
The past is the past ... And the unsolved will get resolved. And that's for sure. The sun don't have to shine for it to rise .. Just a thought.
I've seen some of the smartest people get broken down to bits by obstacles, and some of the strongest people standing strong dusting the residue left by the obstacles they demolished so effortlessly off their shoulders like nothing.
You look at both kinds of people and wonder what's different? .. And with each person it varies.
But for me, I know what held me back, I know why the obstacles held me in a momentarily freeze. I also know what continues to push me forward.
I've been saving pictures off tumblr and other sites since I can remember .. I saw this picture and I made it my home screen on my phone. I didn't know what it was. I just really liked it. It drew me in.. I just wanted to stare at it. So it's been my home screen wallpaper for some time now, the other day I was watching this new MTV show called Black ink and this guy was getting a free tattoo because the artist fucked up his ring tat (he got a rib job for free?! Lol) he said he wanted to get the Ganesha - the remover of obstacle and patron of learning. And when they revealed what he looked like, it was my wallpaper. Weird right?
Shit like that happens to me all the time.
There's things I've went through that I wish I never did but the lesson in that obstacle wouldn't have hit me the same without it.
I wouldn't call my life rough. It's as rough as I make it. Some days I make life easier for me than others depending on what's thrown my way.
I'm getting better at dealing with obstacles in ways that can benefit me more. I look at it like, if you're gonna be in my way I might as well make use of your presence.
And it's funny because obstacles usually lead to bigger blessings. Or is it just that we had to fight so hard to get through, that the blessing is more appreciated...
Either way. I've learned not to let an obstacle keep me down. The days of frustration and anguish because of a road block are long gone. Those emotions only blind you, and cause even more of a frenzy than the original stress of the obstacle.
When I remain calm..or calm myself down .. I see ways to over come or atleast get it under control long enough to find a solution.
Now I've done some dumb shit in the past, and I haven't resolved all my problems. But I don't have no worries.
The past is the past ... And the unsolved will get resolved. And that's for sure. The sun don't have to shine for it to rise .. Just a thought.
I've seen some of the smartest people get broken down to bits by obstacles, and some of the strongest people standing strong dusting the residue left by the obstacles they demolished so effortlessly off their shoulders like nothing.
You look at both kinds of people and wonder what's different? .. And with each person it varies.
But for me, I know what held me back, I know why the obstacles held me in a momentarily freeze. I also know what continues to push me forward.
I've been saving pictures off tumblr and other sites since I can remember .. I saw this picture and I made it my home screen on my phone. I didn't know what it was. I just really liked it. It drew me in.. I just wanted to stare at it. So it's been my home screen wallpaper for some time now, the other day I was watching this new MTV show called Black ink and this guy was getting a free tattoo because the artist fucked up his ring tat (he got a rib job for free?! Lol) he said he wanted to get the Ganesha - the remover of obstacle and patron of learning. And when they revealed what he looked like, it was my wallpaper. Weird right?
Shit like that happens to me all the time.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Assertive.
Ask me to define myself in one word, assertive doesn't even cross my mind.
My personality isn't forceful.. But relaxed.
I'm confident .. But more humble than anything.
Do I have it in me to be assertive?
Of course.
Why don't I bring it out more often?
Idk .. I like to play the background more often than not. It's cool to play the back but when you want things, you're rarely heard from the back .. You gotta speak up. Nobody's gonna hand it to you, you gotta take it. You gotta be sure of you. And what you want. To get it. Right?
Right.
That's what I'm doing now. I play around alot, joke and kid. But I'm working on a few things that calls for my assertive side to reveal itself. I'm pushing myself to certain limits I'm not used to. I'm forcing myself to be seen in a light where it's just as new to me as it is to the people viewing me.
I'm breaking out of my box. The box I created for myself all those years trying to figure myself out. And like Kendrick said "I'ma break out and hide every lock" and hide every lock is what I'm definitely gonna do.
I don't want to be viewed as just one thing (goes hand in hand as why I don't like labeling myself) I'm way more versatile than that. Even though I know this with every fiber in my being. The world doesn't know it yet. It's my job to show them, ignoring any doubts I might create for myself or any obstacles I may come across. I know where I wanna go, I know how far I want to branch out, I know the steps I have to take to get me there .. And I know it's gonna take time.
But as long as I stay focused and assertive. This shouldn't be a problem. I have this thing where I'm shy .. Not because I feel people won't accept me for who I am, but because I feel I may be too much.
I'm at a point where I feel 95% comfortable with me. And since this is breaking ground (closest I've been to 100% in a while) I gotta take advantage I know everything I have to offer, what I'm willing to accept and negotiate. I stand strongly by my views yet, I'm open to compromise. There's really no limit to where I can go, I believe in this more than ever.
I don't know, my mind tick differently. Which is good for me. Because I know how to work it. And evidence of that will prove itself as time progresses.
Enter action with boldness.
Word to the 48 Laws.
My personality isn't forceful.. But relaxed.
I'm confident .. But more humble than anything.
Do I have it in me to be assertive?
Of course.
Why don't I bring it out more often?
Idk .. I like to play the background more often than not. It's cool to play the back but when you want things, you're rarely heard from the back .. You gotta speak up. Nobody's gonna hand it to you, you gotta take it. You gotta be sure of you. And what you want. To get it. Right?
Right.
That's what I'm doing now. I play around alot, joke and kid. But I'm working on a few things that calls for my assertive side to reveal itself. I'm pushing myself to certain limits I'm not used to. I'm forcing myself to be seen in a light where it's just as new to me as it is to the people viewing me.
I'm breaking out of my box. The box I created for myself all those years trying to figure myself out. And like Kendrick said "I'ma break out and hide every lock" and hide every lock is what I'm definitely gonna do.
I don't want to be viewed as just one thing (goes hand in hand as why I don't like labeling myself) I'm way more versatile than that. Even though I know this with every fiber in my being. The world doesn't know it yet. It's my job to show them, ignoring any doubts I might create for myself or any obstacles I may come across. I know where I wanna go, I know how far I want to branch out, I know the steps I have to take to get me there .. And I know it's gonna take time.
But as long as I stay focused and assertive. This shouldn't be a problem. I have this thing where I'm shy .. Not because I feel people won't accept me for who I am, but because I feel I may be too much.
I'm at a point where I feel 95% comfortable with me. And since this is breaking ground (closest I've been to 100% in a while) I gotta take advantage I know everything I have to offer, what I'm willing to accept and negotiate. I stand strongly by my views yet, I'm open to compromise. There's really no limit to where I can go, I believe in this more than ever.
I don't know, my mind tick differently. Which is good for me. Because I know how to work it. And evidence of that will prove itself as time progresses.
Enter action with boldness.
Word to the 48 Laws.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
interesting...
You are a fortunate person, indeed, if you can begin each day accepting the fact that during that day there will be ups and downs, good breaks and bad ones, disappointments, surprises, unexpected turns of events. - Roy Benjamin
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Emotions.
I'm not as affectionate as others would like me to be.. But I'm very in tuned with my emotions. You can speak, and I'll feel what you mean .. I can think of something and bring immediate tears to my eyes. I get shivers and waves of electric feeling during a conversation or the presence of someone I'm fond of.
So why am I always conside(red) cold-hearted? .. Distant? Careless? At times even insensitive.
If anything I feel more than most. I just hide it so well. My poker face indestructible. They don't see emotion, think its not there. Some are even sca(red) to show theirs. But it's there .. Behind the mask my pride has painted so beautifully. It's like I'm numb to the urge to reveal those emotions.
Lord knows, I want to feel comfortable revealing them. Show the world how I truly feel, what and who I truly love when I'm feeling it.
I have a thing of keeping things private. I won't talk about things or people I really care about so much, to people outside my circle. Anyone would know exactly how to harm me .. (I really think I was a thug in a past life.) I like to keep those sac(red) close to me.
People have a thing of attacking things and people you love, pointing out imperfections and shouting out flaws .. Like you care. You know these flaws and imperfections as well as their character, soul and mind. You don't care. But people won't leave you alone, they'll try to attack it until you crack. I'm not having that.
I don't ever feel the need to defend what and who I hold close to my heart. And I don't. I'm never phased by remarks, shit I'm rarely ever phased. I'm so weird.
It's like nothing moves me but I feel everything.
Vulnerability ..
Oh how I have a love hate relationship with you.
I'm so strong mentally, will power is what keeps me from being over vulnerable. I am smart enough to know better even when my foolish heart wants to dive knowing its nothing but a rocky ending awaiting. But when you meet someone who makes you feel so vulnerable yet never takes advantage .. It's a high that no strand of marijuana can compete with.
But as smart as I am, I know that never lasts long. Eventually advantage gets taken, and hearts get to breaking. I am not fond of heart break, I am also not fond of rejection (I fully understand that concept that 'everyone is not into you.' )
"I keep a calm, cool exterior and it never fails" .. Never.
I'm not one to lay all my cards on the table at the beginning of the game. But I will if I feel you'll do the same. Genuinely feel.
I genuinely feel people don't care. Too concerned with their own lives, I'm not mad at them.. I'm concerned with mine as well. Which is why I rarely speak of what's going on with me, what I'm feeling. I'll figure it out with my consultant (me).
Because honestly .. 95% of my conversations have nothing to do with me. Unless you count MY opinion on something concerning someone else life or problem. I only talk about myself on social networks and this blog. Weird right? I mean 5% of the time is okay considering I talk to myself all the time anyway so the 5% of actual ME talk with others is just additional insight. Never requi(red).
I been spending my entire life speaking to myself trying to figure out this emotional wreck I've become throughout the years. It's to a point I've done hit so many loops and turns I have yet to pinpoint the true root of it all.
But I can't tell people this, no .. Cristina? You? Emotional wreck? You lying! I'd never guess...
Yeah I mean, how could you? I hide it so well.
I don't want to hide anymore.
But to come out of hiding, I'd have to come out strong on two feet .. To crawl out would be a dishonor to my character. Like I have no fucking respect for myself. That's not what I do.
But I don't want to hide anymore.
As I knock down every wall I built and begin to build new ones. Surely I won't have to hide behind them, just reside in them. Entering and leaving when I please .. No longer hiding.
So why am I always conside(red) cold-hearted? .. Distant? Careless? At times even insensitive.
If anything I feel more than most. I just hide it so well. My poker face indestructible. They don't see emotion, think its not there. Some are even sca(red) to show theirs. But it's there .. Behind the mask my pride has painted so beautifully. It's like I'm numb to the urge to reveal those emotions.
Lord knows, I want to feel comfortable revealing them. Show the world how I truly feel, what and who I truly love when I'm feeling it.
I have a thing of keeping things private. I won't talk about things or people I really care about so much, to people outside my circle. Anyone would know exactly how to harm me .. (I really think I was a thug in a past life.) I like to keep those sac(red) close to me.
People have a thing of attacking things and people you love, pointing out imperfections and shouting out flaws .. Like you care. You know these flaws and imperfections as well as their character, soul and mind. You don't care. But people won't leave you alone, they'll try to attack it until you crack. I'm not having that.
I don't ever feel the need to defend what and who I hold close to my heart. And I don't. I'm never phased by remarks, shit I'm rarely ever phased. I'm so weird.
It's like nothing moves me but I feel everything.
Vulnerability ..
Oh how I have a love hate relationship with you.
I'm so strong mentally, will power is what keeps me from being over vulnerable. I am smart enough to know better even when my foolish heart wants to dive knowing its nothing but a rocky ending awaiting. But when you meet someone who makes you feel so vulnerable yet never takes advantage .. It's a high that no strand of marijuana can compete with.
But as smart as I am, I know that never lasts long. Eventually advantage gets taken, and hearts get to breaking. I am not fond of heart break, I am also not fond of rejection (I fully understand that concept that 'everyone is not into you.' )
"I keep a calm, cool exterior and it never fails" .. Never.
I'm not one to lay all my cards on the table at the beginning of the game. But I will if I feel you'll do the same. Genuinely feel.
I genuinely feel people don't care. Too concerned with their own lives, I'm not mad at them.. I'm concerned with mine as well. Which is why I rarely speak of what's going on with me, what I'm feeling. I'll figure it out with my consultant (me).
Because honestly .. 95% of my conversations have nothing to do with me. Unless you count MY opinion on something concerning someone else life or problem. I only talk about myself on social networks and this blog. Weird right? I mean 5% of the time is okay considering I talk to myself all the time anyway so the 5% of actual ME talk with others is just additional insight. Never requi(red).
I been spending my entire life speaking to myself trying to figure out this emotional wreck I've become throughout the years. It's to a point I've done hit so many loops and turns I have yet to pinpoint the true root of it all.
But I can't tell people this, no .. Cristina? You? Emotional wreck? You lying! I'd never guess...
Yeah I mean, how could you? I hide it so well.
I don't want to hide anymore.
But to come out of hiding, I'd have to come out strong on two feet .. To crawl out would be a dishonor to my character. Like I have no fucking respect for myself. That's not what I do.
But I don't want to hide anymore.
As I knock down every wall I built and begin to build new ones. Surely I won't have to hide behind them, just reside in them. Entering and leaving when I please .. No longer hiding.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Detachment.
I have no problem letting go ... If anything I struggle to hold on. It's really nothing to me to stop doing something or cut ties to a relationship. Any relationship.
Stems from too many people either leaving my life, trying to enter my life under false pretenses, or not fitting into my life.
I don't care how long I've known you, what we had, what we been through. If you gotta go, you gotta go. If you wanna leave .. Do as you please.
I saw a teen mom rerun the other day (I was high, wasn't shit else on.) and Janelle was crying, chasing keiffer .. begging him to not leave her. I was disgusted.
Now I'm aware there are plenty of people who have reacted the way she did, but I never saw her cry over her son like that (from the episodes I've seen) and still, I just don't have it in me to chase someone after they've expressed that they want to leave. Even if I feel they're only doing that so I can run behind them, they're the dummies for thinking I would.
Maybe it's a pride thing. Maybe it's the fact that I understand some things you just won't understand.. Shit there's some shit people can't even explain. But they know they want to leave, and that's all you need to know.
I've grown to understand that everyone isn't meant to be around everyone forever... As our life goes on we interact with new people, experiences changes our views and sometimes you out grow people .. And sometimes, they out grow you. It's life.
It happens everyday. People get too offended when they're the one that has been out grown. I kinda get why one would take that personally. But it's really not you. Get over yourself. You done your part. Now your part is over. If you feel it's not, that just mean you're not as into character as you thought you were.
People fall out for plenty of reasons. And as valid as the reason may be, if one person feels like they're getting the short end of the stick, they refuse to let go.
I refuse to be that person. Idc what I invested, if you try to walk away.. I will let you.
People think I don't care. But I see it as letting you do you. Why should I try to convince you to remain in my life if you don't wanna be here? If you truly wanted to be here.. Why would walking away even be a thought? Oh.
Exactly. I feel communication is very important. And I'm one to vocalize my thoughts .. Once I word them right of course but I will always tell you how I'm feeling, family, friend, lover. Whatever. I'm not one to harbor feelings anymore. I used to.. Once upon a time. And it used to eat me the fuck up. Idk how people do that for a lifetime.
Even if I'm hurt that you want to leave.. I'll let you go. I won't stalk you, I won't contact you on a drunk night confessing shit .. In my mind, it hurts more trying to continue any form of relationship knowing you wanted to leave anyway.. It'll feel like you just being nice because you feel sorry I haven't gotten over it yet.
I don't fuck with pity parties.
Now, when I want to leave .. I leave. I don't string people along. If I don't like you anymore .. I'll leave. I'll never ask you to change. Won't demand more than what you give me. I'll just leave. No hard feelings. I don't hate anyone. I don't think I have it in me anymore to hate somebody. But I don't like lying to others, let alone myself. And if I'm not vibing right.. I'm ghost. People might think that's cruel and insensitive (depending on who you ask) but those same people are the ones thinking about how THEY would feel if THEY were in the detachment chamber don't be a hypocrite.
If I'm not happy why would I stay? .. If you're not, why would you?
And if we care so much about these people who want to walk away from us to be happy, why wouldn't we let them? Don't we care about their feelings or lack thereof? Why fight that?
Sometimes as bad as you wanna be what someone needs, you're not. And vice versa. Understanding that, will save you alot of heartache.
I know how to let go, but holding on is a other story ... And another post.
Stems from too many people either leaving my life, trying to enter my life under false pretenses, or not fitting into my life.
I don't care how long I've known you, what we had, what we been through. If you gotta go, you gotta go. If you wanna leave .. Do as you please.
I saw a teen mom rerun the other day (I was high, wasn't shit else on.) and Janelle was crying, chasing keiffer .. begging him to not leave her. I was disgusted.
Now I'm aware there are plenty of people who have reacted the way she did, but I never saw her cry over her son like that (from the episodes I've seen) and still, I just don't have it in me to chase someone after they've expressed that they want to leave. Even if I feel they're only doing that so I can run behind them, they're the dummies for thinking I would.
Maybe it's a pride thing. Maybe it's the fact that I understand some things you just won't understand.. Shit there's some shit people can't even explain. But they know they want to leave, and that's all you need to know.
I've grown to understand that everyone isn't meant to be around everyone forever... As our life goes on we interact with new people, experiences changes our views and sometimes you out grow people .. And sometimes, they out grow you. It's life.
It happens everyday. People get too offended when they're the one that has been out grown. I kinda get why one would take that personally. But it's really not you. Get over yourself. You done your part. Now your part is over. If you feel it's not, that just mean you're not as into character as you thought you were.
People fall out for plenty of reasons. And as valid as the reason may be, if one person feels like they're getting the short end of the stick, they refuse to let go.
I refuse to be that person. Idc what I invested, if you try to walk away.. I will let you.
People think I don't care. But I see it as letting you do you. Why should I try to convince you to remain in my life if you don't wanna be here? If you truly wanted to be here.. Why would walking away even be a thought? Oh.
Exactly. I feel communication is very important. And I'm one to vocalize my thoughts .. Once I word them right of course but I will always tell you how I'm feeling, family, friend, lover. Whatever. I'm not one to harbor feelings anymore. I used to.. Once upon a time. And it used to eat me the fuck up. Idk how people do that for a lifetime.
Even if I'm hurt that you want to leave.. I'll let you go. I won't stalk you, I won't contact you on a drunk night confessing shit .. In my mind, it hurts more trying to continue any form of relationship knowing you wanted to leave anyway.. It'll feel like you just being nice because you feel sorry I haven't gotten over it yet.
I don't fuck with pity parties.
Now, when I want to leave .. I leave. I don't string people along. If I don't like you anymore .. I'll leave. I'll never ask you to change. Won't demand more than what you give me. I'll just leave. No hard feelings. I don't hate anyone. I don't think I have it in me anymore to hate somebody. But I don't like lying to others, let alone myself. And if I'm not vibing right.. I'm ghost. People might think that's cruel and insensitive (depending on who you ask) but those same people are the ones thinking about how THEY would feel if THEY were in the detachment chamber don't be a hypocrite.
If I'm not happy why would I stay? .. If you're not, why would you?
And if we care so much about these people who want to walk away from us to be happy, why wouldn't we let them? Don't we care about their feelings or lack thereof? Why fight that?
Sometimes as bad as you wanna be what someone needs, you're not. And vice versa. Understanding that, will save you alot of heartache.
I know how to let go, but holding on is a other story ... And another post.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Comfort.
Comfort to me, is priceless.
I become uncomfortable very easily. I'm never fully comfortable .. For long anyway. It varies with environment, people, activity.. But if I'm uncomfortable, I shut down. I go into this protective shell (invisible force field) I created for myself when I'm feeling this way. That's my comfort zone and there's only room for me in that shell. In every sense.
Until I'm comfortable. When I'm comfortable.. I'm like 20x the person I am when I'm in my shell.
Depending on environment, people and activity will determine how quickly I can become comfortable. Things/people gotta warm up to me. You ever met someone who after first meeting them you know their life story.. And you were just on your way home from work..? Lmao I'm not one of those people.
People like that are very comfortable around other people, I'm not. I don't know you like that. I give everybody the benefit of the doubt as well as 5 ft space. Don't get too close. People are crazy, I might be crazy.. Shit can get crazy.
Don't get me wrong though, I'm very cordial.. From a distance. I have manners, I don't treat people like scum.. Unless they've proven to be scum. But to be comfortable around everyone I meet? Nah.
Especially as a child. I'm around my friends.. I don't shut up. (Our force fields unite) I'm alone.. I'm quiet. (My force field at work) I'm observant, feeling out the vibes..
With guys? .. If I'm not comfortable with them, they don't get very far .. I don't even like people within 5ft of me so to get close to me on deeper levels.. I have to be comfortable. I won't tell a man how to make me comfortable, you either warm me up or you don't. And guys are very sneaky and sly when they tryna cream ya pie.. Ya feel me? Lol I have a specific way I deal with guys that works perfectly with my protective shell.
Weird though, people seem to be really comfortable around me despite my shell.
As I get older and interact with different types of people .. I've learned how to filter myself .. Only let people know what I want them to know, depending on how comfortable I am with them .. Its not phony or fake, its just a piece of you.. some people aren't deserving of all of you.. Let them prove to be worthy, or atleast inquire more from you. As bad as I want to think everyone is good .. Doesn't mean they use their "good". Some people strive off their "bad" and I'm not with nothing. Malicious and ill intent wishing ass motherfuckers can stay all the way away from me. I don't even entertain that type of mentality.
I feel like life is like a mattress. And when you're fully comfortable, you have the best sleep every night. If the mattress is bullshit and giving you back pains, you can throw it out and get another one. That easy. The same way it's easy to change your life if you're not satisfied. When you're completely satisfied with your life "mattress" your "dreams" are your real life and you sleep great literally.
I wanna sleep great, shit I'm gonna sleep great.
Shit that keep me up at night now will be the reason I sleep great ironically.
Lol life is so funny.
Anyway, I like to be comfortable.
I never get too comfortable.
But comfortable, I like to be nonetheless.
With life I am no where near comfortable i keep readjusting my seat but have no fear, the future is near. Or here.
I become uncomfortable very easily. I'm never fully comfortable .. For long anyway. It varies with environment, people, activity.. But if I'm uncomfortable, I shut down. I go into this protective shell (invisible force field) I created for myself when I'm feeling this way. That's my comfort zone and there's only room for me in that shell. In every sense.
Until I'm comfortable. When I'm comfortable.. I'm like 20x the person I am when I'm in my shell.
Depending on environment, people and activity will determine how quickly I can become comfortable. Things/people gotta warm up to me. You ever met someone who after first meeting them you know their life story.. And you were just on your way home from work..? Lmao I'm not one of those people.
People like that are very comfortable around other people, I'm not. I don't know you like that. I give everybody the benefit of the doubt as well as 5 ft space. Don't get too close. People are crazy, I might be crazy.. Shit can get crazy.
Don't get me wrong though, I'm very cordial.. From a distance. I have manners, I don't treat people like scum.. Unless they've proven to be scum. But to be comfortable around everyone I meet? Nah.
Especially as a child. I'm around my friends.. I don't shut up. (Our force fields unite) I'm alone.. I'm quiet. (My force field at work) I'm observant, feeling out the vibes..
With guys? .. If I'm not comfortable with them, they don't get very far .. I don't even like people within 5ft of me so to get close to me on deeper levels.. I have to be comfortable. I won't tell a man how to make me comfortable, you either warm me up or you don't. And guys are very sneaky and sly when they tryna cream ya pie.. Ya feel me? Lol I have a specific way I deal with guys that works perfectly with my protective shell.
Weird though, people seem to be really comfortable around me despite my shell.
As I get older and interact with different types of people .. I've learned how to filter myself .. Only let people know what I want them to know, depending on how comfortable I am with them .. Its not phony or fake, its just a piece of you.. some people aren't deserving of all of you.. Let them prove to be worthy, or atleast inquire more from you. As bad as I want to think everyone is good .. Doesn't mean they use their "good". Some people strive off their "bad" and I'm not with nothing. Malicious and ill intent wishing ass motherfuckers can stay all the way away from me. I don't even entertain that type of mentality.
I feel like life is like a mattress. And when you're fully comfortable, you have the best sleep every night. If the mattress is bullshit and giving you back pains, you can throw it out and get another one. That easy. The same way it's easy to change your life if you're not satisfied. When you're completely satisfied with your life "mattress" your "dreams" are your real life and you sleep great literally.
I wanna sleep great, shit I'm gonna sleep great.
Shit that keep me up at night now will be the reason I sleep great ironically.
Lol life is so funny.
Anyway, I like to be comfortable.
I never get too comfortable.
But comfortable, I like to be nonetheless.
With life I am no where near comfortable i keep readjusting my seat but have no fear, the future is near. Or here.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy Fuckin' New Year.
Hello 2013 .. I just want you to know I will be grabbing you by the horns and riding you out til the very end. Positivity and prosperity is all I'm aiming for. Everything else will take care of itself.
I'm happy. I really feel joy and it feels so good. I'm so anxious to see how this year unfolds.. All the stories that get told. I just have such good vibes about everything. I intend to keep it that way. So much is changing and for the better it's overwhelming, but I have no complaints. Just gonna put my mind into overdrive .. Deadlines must be met and are getting met every day. So much to do, I'm just gonna enjoy it all. And document every step of the way.
Happy fucking New year !
I'm happy. I really feel joy and it feels so good. I'm so anxious to see how this year unfolds.. All the stories that get told. I just have such good vibes about everything. I intend to keep it that way. So much is changing and for the better it's overwhelming, but I have no complaints. Just gonna put my mind into overdrive .. Deadlines must be met and are getting met every day. So much to do, I'm just gonna enjoy it all. And document every step of the way.
Happy fucking New year !
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)