Shit real.

It's been real interesting lately, I mean to be fair.. I find alot of things interesting, even if I don't pay it any mind if that makes sense.. But the things I do pay mind to have been really making its presence felt in my life.

First things first, I really believe someone (I believe its my uncle may his soul continue to rest in peace) is watching over me. I always thought this, but continuous visible proof keeps popping up.

Secondly, certain things have been playing themselves out.. In a way that makes me feel Mother Universe is by my side. cosigning the choices I made in the past and present based off intuition and strategic planning while pacing myself leaping over hurdles, clearly they're the right choices. I'm being patient, more patient than I let on..
"Though you see when you're wrong, you know you can't always see when you're right.. You're right." —Mr. Joel knew what the fuck he was talking about.

Just listen to Vienna by Billy Joel.. If you're feeling any type of way about life and your choices, beginning to end this is a perfect song. Really listen to the words, and feel free to look up the meaning of Vienna, what Billy Joel was referring to while you at it.

Shit is deep. God I love music.
Anywho,
Idk why we as humans, the half of us who aren't in denial.. Still doubt things and people we know we're right about what we feel or think, despite the fact we don't see it. Why is it only after we see do we believe? Even the eyes play tricks on us. What determines the reality of things|people is how we process it after we see, we're processing what we see as real.. Even if its not like that (everything isn't always what it seems) but what about when it is everything it seems, what about if we haven't seen it yet, but we feel it? Is that not real? We don't see our soul.. But we know its there.. I feel mine, don't you feel yours? You can't see certain things before they play out but we feel it coming, good or bad. What we feel is real, what we see is just a reflection of what we feel.. And that's as real as it gets. That's why perception varies, because feelings do. That's why reality is perception and no matter what, we're right. Either way you put it.

The signs are guiding you, whether you choose to follow them is on you. The signs aren't always clear nor are they always delive(red) through our prefer(red) messenger but we shouldn't disregard the message. The signs we called for upon ourselves. People ask for signs all the time, but never see them.. Why? They don't think it's real. Even if they feel it is, their eyes tells them it's not and they gotta see to believe it; yet when they see it they still don't believe it.. "Too good to be true", "this not the sign I'm looking for".. It's not, but it's the sign you needed. All in waiting for the right sign you missing them because you can't recognize them beyond what you perceive to be real... It's way over your head and you missed it, you were aiming too low and never thought twice about looking up despite that nagging suspicion in your gut telling you to do so.

All I see is signs. Everything, and I mean every thing is a fucking sign to me. I just connect these mental dots with all the signs I see in things, people, conversations, locations, animals, everything. Everything connect. Stop concerning yourself with others and their connections and focus on your own. Make sure you in tuned and well connected with yourself so you don't miss the signs, so you don't miss your opportunity to realize everything you ever dreamed of.. Because it is real. Shit is fucking real. Real is what you make it. Real is how you feel. And despite the fact that you may not see it.. YET. Doesn't mean it's never going to be real. It will. As long as you FEEEL it is.

As long as you know who you are and what you stand for, where you from and where you going.. All while smelling the flowers right in front of your face as you enjoy a beautiful day, you will be fine. You don't have to worry so much. You don't HAVE to stress, that misconception that you have to stress things you want to get them is so annoying. Its not needed to succeed. Stress is a choice, stress is negativity. Stress is not needed. Motivation is. That's positivity in motion. Keeps you going, stress slows you down. I don't stress. Thankfully I've stopped indulging in that a long time ago.. Yeah, I may get overwhelmed, but in times like that I just pull out my reminders and I feel so much better. Reminding me what I know is real, what I feel is real disregarding that with eyes open I can't see it all yet.. But with eyes shut, I see it all. And that's enough to keep me going.

Shit just gonna get realer.

"The soul is remarkable. It knows and feels everything you've yet to physically encounter." — @aliensauce [via twitter]

Venting?

Testing.. 1, 2 testing.
Can anybody hearrrrr meeee???
(No but you can read lol)
A lot of things have been secretly irking me. Not to the point where I'm consumed with these things but irked because it keeps getting brought up.

I hate explaining myself to people. I am aware that kinda sounds like a contradiction, but I explain points, views, experiences, thoughts even.. I don't explain me. I don't give people the run down on why I do whatever it is I chose to do.
Why? Because one, its none of your fucking business and two, whether or not I actually decide to put you on to what I'm doing.. Doesn't mean you have a say, just means you're meant to know because it may involve you or whatever. I'm going to do what I want regardless. Three. It's too much to say, I don't do anything for no reason. There's a purpose for everything.. And I feel I have to move accordingly to ensure the plan stays on track. it's just ... I just rather avoid it. I'm doing me. And that's all you need to know.

I hate that people feel they have to be involved in every single aspect of your life and as soon as they aren't, they become emotional.. And claim you're changing or trying to be something you're not. How do you know all that I am? Shit I'm still not even sure and I know my thoughts. You don't. Why is that people feel the need to push their insecurities on you, the ones that get defensive that you're pushing them to the back burner as they say.. Why would you automatically make this about you? Why isn't your first thought damn she really trying to make shit happen, even if you don't know.. Clearly if I'm "too busy" you shouldn't think I'm trying to blow you off, what does that say about what you think of me? What does that say of you, who tolerates a person like that around you? Why can't I be trying to get my life in a order that makes me happy? Why as someone who claims to care, not see I'm not happy where I'm at, not see all that I want, and not want me to go get that for myself? I don't get that.
You must not know me as well as you claim.

And this is why people get cut off, first of all. You don't know anybody better than they know themselves. I hate that saying. You may know them well, but trust unless they're living in denial you don't know them better than them. And the fucking audacity of you, to think you have these almighty spidey senses that allows you to know someone better than themselves is just crazy; ironically people who have this "I know the REAL you" type always underestimates the true potential of whoever it is. And that's because they put a limit. And there is none. They put their own limit on you, based on what they've seen, and what they think of you. They created your maximum potential in their eyes. And nine times out of ten, you already hit that potential. Ain't getting no bigger than that... Don't you even fucking try it. The moment you do, get ready to be accused of changing, and getting a big head.. You so full of yourself.. You being anything they didn't imagine for you, let alone themselves, is hard to digest.. And these people are so fucking bitter .. They have bitter oozing from their pores.. Taste buds bitter so that bitter taste as they have to digest you growing out of the box they felt they custom made for you is so hard to swallow.. They tend to act like a child drinking that horrible medicine during a cold... Before all the cool flavors came out (sigh these generations so lucky). tantrums and shows, no sense of self control at this point. They dig their own grave every time.. When you're negative only one way to go.. And that's down. And I'll cut those links before I sink too.

And why is everything always negative first .. Before positive thoughts. You hear something bad happened, you think the worst. And then, oh god forbid (does the cross across chest) and pray for better. Why if someone seems like they genuinely wants to be better in life, people think they're full of shit? Why everybody gotta be faking it? Just cause you are? Just because you wake up and have to paint a smile on your face because painting is way easier than facing your problems.. Well guess what, not everyone wants to pretend, some people happiness shows as soon as they start making that effort to be better. People are so consumed with trying to give off the illusion that they're happy that they're fucking miserable. They're rotting in this hell trap they're corne(red) themselves into and they just have to smile when the lights are on.

Well I'm not one of those people. I don't give a fuck what people assume of me, so much to the point I don't bother to correct their assumptions of me. Like I said I don't have to explain myself to anyone. You don't like how I move, bye. No love lost. Don't even think about coming back.. Have a nice life though. :) I've been told I'm cruel. But seriously, it's life. I don't have time to sit here and try to convince you of who I am and why the way I live is right, I'm not.. It's right for me. I'm gonna do what I have to do to make myself happy. That's why I consult with me. That's why not too many people know me, know me. Most of what they know is hearsay.. I intend to keep it that way.

People don't care, they just care to know. So I just don't care to tell them.. I'm either gonna get advice I don't need nor asked for or more questions... Or even worse, both.


Please no questions. I know what I'm doing.

Visuals pt. 2

I remember my first meeting with her..

Once I started officially smoking weed, i was introduced to this secret world of everything marijuana related.. Like shit you never even thought of, because you never got high. But it's like once you're high you find someone who has thought of whatever you're thinking. Anywho, I was talking to a friend and discussing ways to get in tuned. My friend suggested her .. told me get high before seeing her. Funny thing is I knew her but I never knew of her doing this.. Ha, Nobody knows nobody.

I get high and go to meet her.
Admiring her office..
— I heard you the woman to come to when shit get real
"so I've heard, what can I help you with"

We sized each other up a little bit, in a respectable manner, but we're females nonetheless. She offers me a seat on her cream puff couch, and tells me to get comfortable. I take her up on her offer I'm high anyway. She's beautiful, I give her that. Graceful even. She has this calm thing going, as if she's not even trying.. Like she doesn't have to. Any effort would make her appear over the top. Lucky her, she could probably get any man she wanted.. I wonde(red) if she had one.. What kinda guys she was into, if we had the same taste.. I wonde(red) what she thought of me.
"Talk to me" — what you wanna know?
"Whatever you want to tell me"

And that's how it began, I would just tell her things, ask her things.. observe, watch her reactions.. Sometimes I would yank her leg but she always knew, always a step ahead that one. Nonetheless, I grew. Speaking to her, I got bigger and better. The possibilities seemed endless.

I asked her, why was she so open about her smoking and her unorthodox method of psycho-cyphing as she calls it. She smiled, she likes questions like that (I would later realize this and abuse that due to my inquisitive nature)

"Why do you think marijuana is illegal?
— idk, it's a "drug" (finger air quotes) I suppose.
"No because its exposes you to the truth, the true you and everyone around you, that scares people.. And what scares people becomes illegal"
– you think so?
"Yeah, I feel you can be aware of things to an extent but when your eyes get glossy, ironically everything seems clearer. You're more in tuned, with you and everyone around you. If you're paranoid, you're running from something and the truth of what you're running from surrounds you; and the marijuana makes you aware of this.. I've noticed this over time throughout many individuals, including myself. Alcohol forces you to speak the truth, weed forces you to see the truth. People try so hard to keep up this mirage but alcohol makes them tell on themselves, weed makes them show themselves.. That's why I like to use those variables in my sessions.. My only goal is to help you. People are offended at the thought of someone helping them sort out their thoughts and feelings, like they can't control their own emotions or life.. I try to ease that. Make them feel more comfortable. Allow them to show themselves without fear of me abusing it like others in their past have"
— don't you ever get addicts?
"Moderation, honey.. That's the key to life."

That always stuck with me... Maybe that's her signature speech to reel in new cilents but I was sold. I really felt this comfort of safety and stability, feeling free to speak my mind and not FEEL judged was awesome.. I mean of course, she probably judged me, isn't that her job? To judge whether I'm sane or not but she never made me feel that way, that's all I needed.

"I mean yeah, it all depends on who you are" ..
— what you mean?
"You know if you need the courage to run from something or into something.. That's why people use these substances, to gather up courage.. some don't need it, some feel they do. But we don't need it, like alot of things. Our minds just make us feel we do.. It all depends on who you are.. And who you want to be... Who do you want to be?"
— well I want to be better.
".. Well then you better run into it than from it. Overcoming it makes you better, running from battles keep you the same." — shouldn't we be the same?
"Oh heavens no.. We're born different, we grow different, trying to stay the same is stunting your growth. You're born to be better. That's why we're allowed to groww"
She's standing up sprouting her arms like she's a plant, I'm assuming this is what she's doing.. Only logical reasoning for her spontaneous outburst (this would soon be the norm). I laugh, and ask her all the ways I can grow.. I've been feeling like a cocoon lately.. And I'm pretty sure my wings are ready. She likes my analogy and passes me the blunt.

"Why did you come talk to me?"
— idk.. I felt maybe you know what you're talking about, I inhale..
"Who makes that decision?"
— exhales.. Me, duh.
"Exactly."
— elaborate.
"You know you better than anyone, you knew to come to me, because it would help you grow.. May not have been consciously.. But deep down you knew. That's with everything.. You just have to trust yourself and act with you instead of against you"
—woah.. (I exhale and pass off.. I don't want her to think I'm steaming.. First impressions you know?) what do you mean act with me, how can I act against me? If what I feel I do is in my best interest? (I was confused and intrigued at the same time.. I never thought of how my actions worked against me but I loved that she brought it up, I wanted her to keep talking)
"Your actions will either benefit you [now, or later..] or hurt you [now or later..] you have to be in tuned with you, because you TRULY know which is which. Only you will know when a situation will benefit you in the long run if not at the moment, or when a situation will hurt you down the line if not right now. You have to always weigh out these options. You always have to know you, how YOU adapt to things and people, you always have to account for that. You may not be responsible for others actions and life's circumstances; but you gotta be able to acknowledge it and roll with the punches. Bob and weave. Feel me?"

And I did. I really felt her. As she was speaking, everything was clicking. Like puzzle pieces I didn't even know was laying around up there, just popped up and fell in place.
I literally saw that happening in my mind.

—Either this some really good weed or you're really fucking good at what you do.
She laughs "its a little bit a both"

The bell went off.

I mean that was first encounter.. Wouldn't you go back?

Use.

What's the use of.. Being used, useful, useless .. Depending on the context it's being used in, varies.

"If you can't be used, you're useless"

hmm so if you can be used, you're useful.. But here's the thing, that can turn really bad really quick. People don't like to feel used, and often you start out as useful.. Get taken advantage of, transition into used and pretty soon, you're useless. And what happens to the useless? it's gets tossed in the trash. It's the cycle that can be broken, but more often .. It's not.

I don't like to use people, I will always try to be of use to them as they're being of use to me. Now, realistically that's not always possible but I make sure I can be of use somewhere down the line just to make me feel better. Sometimes, you aren't aware you're using someone until they lash out.. Why do they let it bottle up? Because people like feeling useful. It gives a sense of satisfaction, "I'm good for something" but no one likes to be exploited. And some would rather keep being used to feed that craving of relevance.. Everyone wants to feel relevant. Its only until they see that their services are no longer requi(red) that they lash out.. And by then they're screaming from the inside of the trash can.

Lets talk about the users. The world is full of them, they'll use and use 'til they can't use you anymore; toss you in the trash and keep it pushing. Often users get farther in life than those who aren't users. The users have a special eye for the weak and willing. They know how to make others be of use to them.. Never mind that they aren't useful themselves. All they do is take away from someone, and that's useless to me. Because if you can't give back what you're receiving in some way, shape or form.. You're fucking useless. Especially if you make no attempt. Users may seem to get the long end of a stick but in reality they don't, "by diluting others you can only end in diluting yourself." Word to Earl Nightingale. Swindlers as I like to call them really hurt themselves by misusing the help from others. Karma always gets justice for those who were done wrong. Believe that.

But how can you tread that line .. Useful.. To used and avoiding useless? Every scenario varies, but I do advise that you always be alert. You can always tell when you're being taken advantage of, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. Whether you want to believe this person is capable of using you or not. You get those feelings, you gotta check the signs, and act accordingly.

You accept what you allow. And if you don't choose to tolerate being used, you won't. You'll nip that in the bud as soon as you start feeling some sort of way, if you choose to tolerate it, then you can't really complain. Complaining and not taking action to change what you're complaining about is pretty dumb.. Being useful is also knowing how to make others useful to you while you're being of use to them. Equal exchange. No one gets taken for granted. No one feels used. Everyone is happy. And even better everyone is progressing.

Being used leaves you in the dust and someone else progresses. Make sure that in being of use, you're not losing yourself in the process. You're not putting your life and priorities on hold to accommodate someone's needs especially if they didn't even consider your needs before they asked you to be of use. And don't be volunteering your services if you know damn well that constricts what you got going on, sometimes as bad as we want to be of use, we're useless at the time. We have shit that has to be attended to. And that's a problem for people who are people pleasers.. They want to help everybody but themselves. They're useful for everybody but them. That's ass backwards. To me.

Me, I'm useful when I wanna be .. Useless when I don't want to be bothe(red), do I get used? Eh .. I highly doubt it anymore. I have in the past, and I cut those strings with the quickness. Once you're aware, you should act on it. Don't try to purposely blind yourself, so you don't have to confront the problem. Don't be pussy. Don't get used and don't be a user.

Interesting.

“Letting a writer into your life is like letting a jackal into the living room, then asking whether it plans on ripping open one particular sofa cushion. Maybe, and maybe not, but a mess is going to be made no matter what. This should theoretically be a big negative on the list of reasons to date someone: the possibility that all of your intimate exchanges are being silently cataloged and will later reappear in a context beyond your control, where the unreliable interpretation will transform into historical fact.”
— Michael Thomsen

True but at the same time, to be with someone who can articulate their emotions with the perfect wording is amazing. And once it's over you can see how you've affected this writers life, by how he or she speaks of it. I guess it pretty much depends on the person. But how someone speaks of you on paper says enough.. They don't even have to say your name and you'll know if its you.

Images of women; Women w|o Men.

A woman without a man means two things in today's society:
She's a lesbian.
She's damaged goods & no man wants her.

- I think it's pretty humorous to me that if you're an 'attractive' woman with everything going for herself and you don't have a man; there's something wrong with you. Like you're mentally unstable or super psychotic. And that may be the case with some women but not all.

Some women realistically just doesn't have the time it takes to invest in a healthy relationship, some rather compatibility over convenience (which we all should), some are just really focused on bettering themselves.

Why does it throw people off when a woman is without a man? In today's society, honestly .. We don't really need a man. We can make our own money, build our own shit, make ourselves cum(sex toys) and even have a baby (sperm bank) without the presence of a real man. Yet, we're looked at as if we're incomplete if we have no man.

Granted back in the day, you couldn't see a woman without a man by her side. In fact, some parts of the world today; a woman can't be out in public unless accompanied by a man. A mans role is very dominant in a woman's life, but it isn't requi(red) in today's society.

Especially with how the image of a man is today. Due to the lack of father figures in the last few generations and the increase in this absence as time went on.. Most men today have no clue on how to be a man. Alot of men have bitch tendencies. Now, I said father figure. Just because your actual father wasn't around doesn't mean you went without experiencing a father figure in someone else. Father is one who raised you, not who made you. And most REAL men if they didn't have a father, definitely had a father figure. They saw what a real man supposed to be. And the bitch men were too bitter to allow the father role to be filled by someone else. So they never really had an idea of what a real man is. So they grew with this hate in their heart and lashed it out on the women in their lives leaving a trail of scorned and batte(red) women usually with a child or two, if a son doomed to his same fate, if a daughter even worse. So I don't have statistics but I'd 45% of men are Real men at this rate ... But that can always change. Men can always better themselves and be a real man. But that's on them.

That being said, as a woman who knows what she wants out of life and refuses to be destroyed at the hands of a boy who's trapped in a man's body.. If you studied the male species as they cross your path whether directly or indirectly, why wouldn't you know what you don't choose to tolerate? Why would things catch you off guard if you really knew this man to begin with? Why couldn't you recognize those familiar traits early on? Traits of a man vs a boy, don't let the body fool you. Tap into that soul girl. Alot of men look good, got his own thing going on.. you feeling his vibe, but how mature is he when it matters? Alot of women fear being alone because society has tainted the image of women without men, so they settle with illusions of a man. The bitch nigga.

I feel as women we do get excited with visuals.. We love diamonds, pearls, the sparkles, glitter. So a man that's giving off the illusion that's extremely appealing to your liking.. your emotions go into overload and you ready to bare his child, cause aint no way you using a condom with him.. you wanna feeeel him, huh? Lmfao some will be satisfied with just the illusion.

Some, like myself.. Likes to dig a little deeper.. To see if his illusion is a reflection of his delusion or just a reflection of his soul. That's when I'm truly sold. Honestly., I am very aware of how deceiving the illusion is, but the soul doesn't lie. And I can't be content with a man by my side if we're not connected on all levels. And especially the soul.. If I tap into it and see I don't like your core, you as good as gone. It doesn't matter what you look like, what you have, what you can do for me..if we can't get in tuned .. It's not gonna work.

Now. That's me, that's why I'm not in a relationship at this point in time. I feel it's more than sex and convenience, and how beneficial it might be for either party. It's a waste of time to me. I can't put that effort towards something I don't see going anywhere. And I don't feel the need to just to avoid being alone. It's not that serious. You do need YOU time between 'relationships' to make sure you good. Like really good. Now, I won't lie sometimes I get lonely.. I have needs too. :( but not just anyone is good enough.. And I've done the whole friends with benefit type relationships in the past which is still kinda single, I guess. Lol. But I do go through periods of 'celibacy' .. If anything I feel when I get laid, its by accident lmfao that's not the point. The point is despite the fact that I could be involved with someone, I choose not to. I like to figure out how men I'm attracted to tick, so I can always know what time it is.. And if we're in different time zones.. I let go. I don't force things, I'm not desperate. I have my own shit I have going on and majority of my mind is there .. So for me to devote time and effort, we have to be on the same time. And I won't let you slow me down nor will I slow you down either.

I feel as women, we set the standards. Men do what we allow. And you gotta ask yourself what does what I allow from him say about me? I set standards for myself so I expect the same from a man but I lead by example. The mirror effect. Your man is a real man when he helps you grow, bettering you because you do the same, you set the standard.. If its in fact the opposite, you're with a boy. And that's not gonna work unless you a little girl. In that case, y'all gonna be kids forever. As a woman, a real woman you should be able to stand strong without a man, if you can't when a man do come around .. He's your crutch. Do you want a crutch? Or do you want to stand just as tall as him?

A real man isn't intimidated by a woman who can do without a man. Only a bitch man will feel threatened by your ability to hold your own without the assistance of a man. He feels threatened because he feels that's his outlet to control you. Men who want to control women who can't do for themselves because the more these men do, the more indebted these women become. And these women who become these.. slaves for these type of men, the fear of being alone keeps them from running away. From breaking free from those chains these men have such a tight grip on, the fear doesn't allow them to recognize this isn't healthy. He isn't a man. I am slowly dying on the inside. Instead fear screams you're washed, nobody wants you, you're gonna die alone. The next man gonna do the same exact thing why start over? ... It's fucking tragic. And I hope these women leave before its too late. But again that's on them.

I am thankful I'm not one of those women who lives in fear, fear of how society may view me.. Especially fearing being alone. And it's probably because I know I won't be alone my whole life. C'mon now. I'm awesome, who wouldn't love me? (Ego talk) lmao ^-^ no but seriously, it's okay to be without a man, use that time no matter how long or short it might be to better you, better your life and the right guy will cross your path when the time is right. Being alone isn't the worst thing in the world. Feeling alone when you're with someone is way worse.

In my opinion.

The Journey.

April 7, 2013 - notes entry.

I was told "you don't pass IT, you go THROUGH IT."
Going through it isn't always easy. For me, it's hard. Sometimes extremely hard.
I'm in training.
My limits and boundaries are being tested. I keep pushing myself and even harder when the idea of stopping crosses my mind. I'm disciplining myself. I've always had a problem with authority so discipline isn't my strong suit. But like everything else, I can teach discipline to myself.

I know me better than anyone walking on this earth and I've done enough soul searching to know this. I also know what I want now is something I will get. No doubt.

For this desire is perhaps the strongest of all my desires. If anything. This desire is what fuels and keeps my other desires alive .. While burning every doubt in my mind lurking to bring me down. A fire so ignited. I will burst into flames soon enough. And as the ashes of my doubts burn with the flames of my desire .. I will rise. I will rise up out the ashes like the Phoenix that I am.

Nothing can block what destiny has paved for me. No one can stop me for I see the path destiny has created. I can't see the entire path, but as I continue traveling down my own road.. I will create the rest of the path. That's not a problem for me. My problem is to keep it moving. I can't stop. I won't stop. Word to Chris and little neefy (lmao). To stop, halts everything I've already set in motion with my mind and actions. Even if I don't feel I'm going anywhere as of yet.. I'm still going to keep moving.

I compare it to working out. You don't always see the results when you're starting out but you definitely don't see any once you stop. And I use that analogy and apply it to my life.

I can't see the end, but I'm not there yet. I'm here. Somewhere between the beginning and in the middle without really even beginning. But that's okay. I won't stop moving. I won't stop living. I won't stop creating. Coming up with different ways to express me and what I have to offer to the world. Not just for me, but for everyone to enjoy. Because the joy in others brings me such joy on top of the joy of creating. It's amazing.

And I will expand to a higher plateau, when the time calls for it. As long as I don't stop moving. Keep going. On my way to euphoria touching souls and minds as I progress .. Reminding others as well as myself to remain positive and ignore negativity.

For positivity is truly the only way to live. I believe in this, I breathe this. Every negative thought gets attacked by two positive thoughts to cancel it out. As long as I believe it. I will achieve it. And I don't need anyone to believe in me, I do. That's more than enough. Soon they'll understand. Word to hovito.

Tulip.

I feel like I'm on Molly. But I'm not. The high from the blunts and this happy high I've been feeling all day combined makes me feel like I'm on Molly. (I tried it before..the real Molly not the potential tampe(red) edition, I'll share that story one day. Lol It's fake interesting) .. My cheekbones hurt from smiling all day. My face is hot. I feel like I'm floating. Everything surreal.

I write poems.. Lusty poems, to say the least. And I've been drawing out some blueprints for things I can do with these poems.. And blueprints on how to make the first set of blueprints happen. And I'm not one to speak before things happen, so I keep quiet but trust I'm focused. I wanted to perform at an open mic really bad. I'm not a public speaker.. I never really like speaking in front of crowds..
All that attention makes me feel weird..

Anywho, I felt I needed to do this for the following reasons;
-I can grab a different audience through visual and sound.. Not everyone's a reader.
-They can hear it how I wrote it.
- I can finally shake this shy shit I have. Which is annoying.
-I can promote my website, meet cool people and see others through their own crafts.
-I want to feel comfortable speaking in front of crowds, I'll have to present plenty of things in front of crowds soon enough, I might as well familiarize myself with it.

My cousin and I got up and said. Today. And I looked up open mics for the night, due to times and location, I chose a small spot on bleecker. Yippie museum cafe, pretty cool. The open mic was held downstairs.. I'm nervous. I've been nervous since I got off the phone with an employee from the place for confirmation. There's a few people there, mostly guys, mostly rappers.
"you rap?" — No, I write poetry.

I sign up.. I tell him I don't want to go second.. Ford, was the host, cool guy. Even made the spotlight lavender for me. ^_^ he places me fourth..fifth maybe? A little in the middle. Perfect. I go upstairs to "use the restroom" I was already nervous as shit.. Needed Mary to calm me down.

As I'm rolling.. I realize everything going on downstairs can be heard upstairs.. Everybody up here eating and mingling gonna hear me.. Lmao aww man. I get my cousin we head outside to get some 'fresh air'.. Yeah. And I feel anxious, nervous but hype as shit. Finally. I'm gonna read something I wrote to a room full of strangers.. No one is biased because they don't know me. This is their first time hearing this. I was so open. I wonde(red) what they thought of me when they first saw me, and what they thought of me after. Lol I know I'll never know but it's just a thought.

The crowd is nice, energetic, young. Good performances, then I'm up next.

I walk on stage and the lights are being adjusted, a co host is asking me about my poetry and how he does poetry events Small talk.
He hands me the mic ..

He said I saw a tulip and it reminded me of you ..
Pace yourself.. The light is bright but great thing is I can only see shadows, no faces. I can feel vibes. This is cool. I have never done anything like that in my life. Class presentations were rushed except for in college .. But then again I wasn't speaking about how my pussy is being mistaken for Mother Nature and the seven seas. Anyway .. I hear the comments, certain parts they weren't expecting. I had to pause they got so loud. I noticed people coming down stairs.. Guess they like what they were hearing.

I read two poems, Tulip and Psychic..
I said I have another one if you wanna hear it .. And everyone was like Yess, woo, go head girl. Lmaoo it was so cool. They really fucked with it, they were mostly silent hanging on my every word.. I'm still smiling. It's crazy. I finally did it. I felt such a rush. I stumbled twice, but I rolled through it.. I was in a zone where I had full control and none at all. Weirdly amazing. I literally had a standing ovation, watching the footage my cousin got.. I can't stop blushing their response to my performance made me feel so good, I've been dying to see how it would be. And I did. I wanna continue going to random ones.. Spread word through mouth. This was way overdue, and I did it.
This is really the beginning.

If you want to read Tulip, or any other of my poems; LustyinLavender.com

"I am not responsible for any erections I may have caused so yeah don't come to me with that"

lmfaoo I really ended it like that. Ego definitely had to get a word out.

*FunFact; I wrote Tulip sitting under the dryer at the hair salon .. I was doing this writing exercise, where the first word that comes to my mind.. I'll write a poem about it. Thus Tulip.

Visuals; pt. 1.

Let me take you somewhere real quick...

There's a chaise lounge couch in the middle of the room. Beige creamy soft leather. Puffy. Comfortable as fuck. Laying on my back.. I dangle my feet over the arm rest, glancing at my toes as they wiggle. Wheres my chauffeur, by Essie glad I chose this color. Feeling real greekish.. They laid on these same couches with their togas, I have a toga on too.. except today we call them maxi dresses.

"Idk" — what don't you know?
"That's the thing, I don't know"

as I crush up the weed, preparing to break down my issues. I glance around the room as I pass her the weed. The library in the corner filled with the most interesting books ever if you get close enough.. Next to her desk that she barely sits at. "Only for show" she says.. Her mini fridge underneath it stocked with munchies..water, drinks, heavy stuff and the non alcoholic. The two large windows behind her, always behind her.. Giving her an angelic or godly glow. maybe she does this purposely, I think. Drapes heavy.. Great fabric, goes great with the decor. Her office, or sanctuary as we like to call it is so huge, yet we stay in the middle of the room. "Can't fuck with the zen in here, must be cente(red) at all times" she says..

I watch her roll, she has a customized room tray cart, wheels for extra convenience..
"I don't know how I feel" — yes you do. You just don't know how to interpret them.
Fuck. She has this way of making things seem simpler than I processed, so simple.. I feel dumb. I know those aren't her intentions.
We've had this conversation before.
She lights the blunt.
She asks me a few vague questions that by now I know aren't so vague, always something else she's really asking. But I don't mind. I know this works for the better. I answer. Honestly. She likes that.

She's very good at making you feel like you can say no wrong.

She passes the blunt. I inhale, while she dissects what I've given her.. When I exhale, I ask her.. You ever felt this way? I always ask that. I fell off my bike at 7 I cried and it stung, I was hurt, sad.. You ever felt that? Stupid shit like that.. But she answers. Whether she has or hasn't. She's not so open, "it's not about me, we're here for you" but she definitely shares pieces of her here and there, I've been piecing her together like a mental scrapbook with all the information she gives me .. She has no clue, or does she? She's relatable, I tell you that much. Any time we're stuck at a road block (what we call being at an emotional red light) she pulls out a story from the treasure chest of her soul and it hits home. Every fucking time.

I stare at her walls, a few pictures, some quotes clearly she holds dear to her heart. A bunch of framed paperwork that all say the same thing, she's more than qualified.

"Idk if anything will ever be enough" — that's normal. We all want more.
"Yeah? You ever felt that way?" — felt? Girl I feel it everyday.. I wake up wanting more. "Really? You're so accomplished.. What more could you want?" — there's always more. It's ultimately on you to decide when enough is enough.

There she go again avoiding certain questions that would shift the focus on her. I respect it though.. After all this isn't an interview.

This is an overview, as she likes to call it.
Politicking on life overviews with all her undertone questions and provocative statements. I think she likes to provoke me, into finishing her sentences. She knows I know, she just like to bring it out of me.. She knows I won't bring it out myself.

I tell her I feel crazy, again. "Oh what is crazy? What is normal" as she twirls in her throne (she has a gold dusted black leather office chair).. and inhales pure potent. I wish we were close enough to share weed connects. She doesn't even allow us to bring weed, she supplies it. Roll up, beverages, finger foods. Her dream sanctuary, she always said, "if I had a place like this to come to when I couldn't figure it all out.. Shit."
She exhales.

Whenever she ends a sentence with shit.. I always wonder what shit she's talking about. Always wonder what she's been through, how she got here.. How she remained sane through it all without someone like her to help her? Or did she have someone like her by her side before she was, who she is now? I wonder.

She knows me. She knows where I come from, where I'm at.. Where I wanna go. She's watched, watching me grow. Guiding light in the tunnel of darkness the world casts on some of us. I look up at her. I'm high. She's become god (the sun really shining, her glow today is impeccable). She's high too, I can always tell in her eyes and speech. She really gets down in your soul when she's high. It's really amazing.

The blunt is out. But the conversation still going.. We discuss what's going on, I ask her advice on guys.. She always laugh but doesn't hesitate to give me a pointer or two. I ask her how is everything on her end, as usual.. I feel it's in utter vain to speak to someone and never ask how are they doing. She tells me everything is good.. She's in a happy place and she's there to stay. And of course that's all she said. My reply was "when I get there can I sleep on your couch?" We laugh, —your happy place will give you your own couch, you won't need mine.

Funny, I don't need her couch.. But I need her. I tried not seeing her for a while you know, to see if she really was worth the money being spent for her services.. To see if I'm "better" to see if I even need to speak to her... I went a few months without checking in, I never felt so lost. Exactly like running away from home and it's raining and gloomy everyday you're a runaway.. I went back.

She's so different. I can literally speak on anything and leave with an elevated version of what I brought to her. "It's not putting it on a pedestal, it's bringing it up to the light." — like any bill $20 and higher I reply. "See you do get it, idk why you play so dumb, you might be smarter than me" I laugh, she looks serious but that's one of her funniest jokes to me.

We zone in and out of conversation to appreciate what songs play on her iPod dock, she loves music just as much as I do. We discuss music and the generations molded by it, we eat brownies (the special kind), she makes her infamous lemonade twister and digs deeper into my mind.. And as soon as I'm damn near faded the bell goes off.

"See you soon" — you know where to find me. Take care. Always a pleasure.

"Ditto"

May.

Mother may I,

Mother universe may I prosper now?
May I, as the youth of today say.. turn up?

I ask may .. I know I can. But it seems when I don't ask mother universe for her blessings she tends to blow me in different directions.. Maybe I'm too anxious internally and I need to keep calm. Maybe I'm not doing enough in certain aspects.. Whatever it is, another month is here, one more month til June. I got the entire month to figure it out. All while in motion. Can't stop, won't stop.

In June, there's two dates that are important. My birthday (June 10) and a personal deadline (June ??) I gave myself for something.

So May will really be the deal maker or breaker. I'm patient for the things that are outta my control, I reallllyyyyyy don't stress it if I can't control it. Its really a stress reliever not worrying about things of that nature. Mother universe taking her time aligning shit up for me, can't rush her.. She's almost done, I feel. We'll see...

They say ask and you shall receive. And again, I ask .. Mother may I, excuse me.. may you guide me along the prosperous route in anything I choose to indulge in? I think I can handle it. May you also continue to set reminders in my path so I don't stray off course or stumble into potholes I may not see with emotional eyes. And lastly, I don't want to ask for much, may you bless my surroundings with beautiful weather.. Nothing lifts my spirits and keeps me going more than a beautiful day.. A beautiful spring day.

A new month, a new season settling in.. Plenty of space and opportunity on this giant green earth to do what you gotta do, what you want to do. Don't think it's ever too late to do anything .. Did you ever think, maybe you were too early? ..it's possible. Like everything else. Just ask mother universe for her blessings as you play on her grounds.