Ego

Ego relates to self-esteem but it comes from within, how important you feel you are. Just because you feel important doesn't mean you are .. Remember that. And by that I mean, just because you view yourself as important.. Everyone you encounter may not feel that way. That's fine too. That's what your ego will tell you, you feel you're important and that's all that matters.

Everyone has an ego, some bigger than others .. Men's ego comes equipped with their balls. Even the humblest man has an ego. An ego that will make him appear standoffish if his ego is offended. But a man is "supposed" to have an ego. Men so sure of themselves and what they do, who they are. Amazing. Borderline assholes sometimes, but god do we respect them.

Women. We're weak. Dumb .. Emotional. We need men to wise us up and help us, provide for us. All we know is love and care. Nothing else. This was the mindset for many years and years. The term Damsel in distress came about. Women who are weak lying in a ditch or train tracks waiting for a man to come save them just as the train arrives.. Saving the day. What a fucking hero.. Good for his ego, saving women and shit. Some women were really in distress and some got hip to game .. The smarter women realized that playing dumb and weak could get them farther in life if they played their cards right .. Some didn't want to be outcasted for being smarter or stronger than they may have appea(red) to be so they stood silent.

And some had the ego of a man. And those women were the ones who changed the world. But that was then..

Today, most women are very egotistical.. So much to prove, to ourselves and men. Still a mans world we just got our own drawer in their nightstand, our section in their bathrooms.. Making our presence felt. But that's neither here nor there..

A woman with the ego of a man is more of a curse than a gift. I know this all too well. I've been blessed with this curse. I say blessed because my man like ego has prevented me from making some mistakes; but a curse in the sense it has prevented me from progressing in certain things.. Even with certain people. Men included. It's crazy, I'm prideful like a motherfucker. My backbone is made of steel or so it seems.

Crazy shit is Idk how shit supposed to work.. How can I use it to my advantage more often than having it as disadvantage. I feel alot of my hard headed ways stem from my ego. Clearly. Only logical explanation. I'm constantly asking myself, who the fuck you think you are? (in regards to situations where clearly ego chose to navigate me through) and my ego responds bitch, I'm Cristina. Lol and I shrug it off.

But due to my ego, I really carry myself differently than other females around my age range 18-25. Like I previously stated (probably multiple times) I don't compare myself to people.. But I do notice during observations the similarities and differences between I and those I'm observing. A lot of females don't have morals, and the wrong ego. We're at the age where our priorities include providing for ourselves.. maybe children, educating ourselves and building our foundation for the rest of our lives. But it seems a good half are just looking for come-ups. plotting grand schemes to catch a ball player, a rapper, a king pin drug lord, doctors.. any man with a large income. Playing damsel in distress, and nothing strokes a mans ego than throwing on a cape and saving a damsel in distress.. And these women hoping they can catch them a man who provide, give them everything they need, and yes! They don't care that they have to depend ONLY on their new found man to live, shit thanks to his pockets they gonna live it upp.. This what they been waiting for, this what they been training for.. Now they gotta get pregnant to seal the deal. Again, I don't judge but for me, and my ego. That shit don't rock.

It's hard for me to dumb myself down for others. I hate that people assume I'm stupid until I speak, and then it's like oh shit.. You're not an airhead, wowzers. -_- that shit used to really bother my ego.
Now, not so much.. I now know I don't have to prove my intelligence to anyone and anyone with intellect won't write me off as dumb based on my gender and appearance. It's hard for me to play damsel in distress, really hard.. I don't even mean acting.. I mean even in danger, I don't cry out for help.. Til this day, Idk why I'm so hung up on trying to do everything myself. That ego man. I could be drowning and instead of screaming for help, I'll try to regulate my breathing and swim to shore. And I can't get rid of the ego.. Can I? No seriously can I? Can I live with no ego? How would life be? Would it be easier or would I feel like I fell right into a modern day twilight zone?

Imagine me, playing damsel in distress.. Playing the game with the wrong ego behind me, stringing men along for my convenience, scamming them while stroking their ego to get ahead, prospering off their hard work and skipping through life with my thumb in my mouth. Telling myself, its all good im entitled to allll their shit. Yeah.. One, that's definitely bad karma. Two, my man ego won't allow me to leech off a nigga, act weaker than I am .. playing dumb for his ego is disrespect to my ego.. Like we not equals, I'm too prideful for that. You don't need a man to live, if anything a man need you to grow. You can hold your own til your king come claim his throne. (Ego talk) sure if I took that route I'd be where I want to be in no time.. But that's not quite the journey I have in mind. That route just don't sit well .. Mind, ego and soul agree.

I mean I fuck with my ego, he's been good to me when he wants.. He doesn't allow me to settle or tolerate any bullshit I know I'm really not with. Doesn't allow fake or phony to prosper around me. But he holds me back from certain things I know for a fact, without an ego.. I'd dive head first.. idk if its for my own good or for his sake .. Imagine that? My ego sca(red) of being bruised? Nah he's got a few scars, but it seems that no matter how few and far in between he gets bruised he still the same him. Can him and my mind coexist peacefully.. They tend to go at it sometimes.. It's weird. But I guess it's what makes me, me.

Eh just a thought.