Reflection time ..

I always try to check in with myself frequently, make sure I'm not getting ahead of myself and I'm fully aware of what's going on around me and in my mind. I take this shit seriously lol too many lost souls wandering the streets, I'm pretty sure that's a result of not checking in. Funny, alot of people are so quick to give out reality checks to others but haven't cashed in any for themselves.

Anywho, the end of the year is approaching and we survived what was rumo(red) to be the end of the world. I do believe it was the end, it was the end of the bullshit. And as a new era is approaching .. I gotta reflect in depth.

Now I lay at night and reflect on my day .. I do this everyday faithfully. Always good to replay the daily events, but when you glance back on an overview of your life within certain time intervals you see more of a difference than you do with your daily reviews. And although there's things I wish I could change, I don't dwell on it. For what was, made today what it is.

This year has certainly taught me alot. Shit, I went through alot, way more than I'll ever speak on. There were nights I really cried (yes, I know I couldn't believe it either) with no clue as to what the next day held .. But here I am. Still standing. And even more hopeful than I have ever been in my entire life. I have an idea of what the future holds because I know what I want out of life .. But to the extent as to how I'll receive it, is beyond me. And it took me some time but I finally understand that it's okay.

I don't have to know exactly how things are gonna turn out, just knowing they're going to turn into a reality is enough for me now.

I remember being really stressed, frustrated and couldn't understand what the fuck was I doing wrong, I was voicing my concerns with one of my realest friends and as I pou(red) my soul to her (which I do quite often) "I think it's my attitude, I try to get everything I want, exactly how I want. And if I can't have it how I want it, I don't want it." I went to check my horoscope (yes, I do believe in astrology, shit has proven its accuracy and zodiac isn't what it used to be..bullshit) and its like the people who wrote my horoscope was eavesdropping and answe(red) my concerns. "You have your mind set on things working out a certain way, so if what you want presents itself in another form, you'll neglect it. open up your mind and allow something even better than you can imagined to come into your life" I paraphrased it, there was more, but boy did it make my jaw drop.

I thought about it, and came to the conclusion that I had to change that aspect of myself. I wouldn't say I'm a perfectionist (I don't like to label myself for personal reasons) but I like for things to be structu(red) to my liking. I'm very understanding to others but rarely am I ever understanding of things not working for me exactly how I want it. Once I finally grasped that I can't control every single aspect of my life, I learned to truly go with the flow. Instead of just going with the flow I created somehow someway, I learned how to adjust my sails as I flowed with the natural order of things.

It's not easy. Lord knows it took me some time, heavy dedication. But it was worth it, I wanted to change. And it worked. It really worked. Things started looking up or maybe I just got ti(red) of feeling down. Either way, I'm happy I took that route. I can now say as the year ends.. I have nothing but great feelings for the new year.. I made a two year list and I already crossed two of the main things on that list before this year ended. I can only imagine what the next year alone awaits.

Everything I ever wanted is slowly becoming a reality in my life, of course not in the EXACT way I wanted it, but my horoscope was not lying about better things than I imagined falling together. And I couldn't be more happier.. I mean I could, but right now is what matters and I'm happy.

Of course, I still get upset every now and then. And I still struggle with keeping my mind free of constricted thinking of certain things, but I don't give up. It does get easier, if I get mad it never last long. I realized letting go is the easiest way to get over something. No need to harbor anything negative or negative causing things|thoughts|people in my life.

I'm still not where I need to be, but I don't worry about that .. Where I'm at now, is gonna get me there. That I have no doubt in. The seeds I've planted, the ones I'm planting are going to blossom beautifully, I have no doubt in that as well. I've told myself doubt is not apart of my vocabulary unless NO in front of it on my Gwen stefani shit. In the past I've doubted myself plenty of times.. I know why I doubted, and I know why I don't anymore.

The beauty of self-reflection.
You can answer your own questions if you dig deep enough.