I'm fake sick. Mental recap.

Boo hoo, sad story. (drake voice)

I managed to stay sick free for the entire year so I guess I can't complain. I was feeling horrible yesterday and it snowed (I think thats the real reason I got sick.) I popped a pill and drank some tea.. it's working.. For the most part.

Christmas was real nice. I finally had the conversation I've been wanting to have with my mother for years and it went pretty good, I'd say.. Did she fully comprehend what I was saying? I hope so. Only time will tell if she truly heard me out.

New Year's Eve is approaching. And I tryna get as much done as possible before then. I'm on several deadlines I gotta meet. I'm tryna be more punctual. Especially on things I set myself. I tend to get distracted which is why alot of stuff never gets finished. That has to stop.

My funds aren't what I'd like them to be. But I'm making the best of it.. The new year should definitely raise my financial stock. Lord knows I have alot of things to do, and money will make it alot easier. But that soon come. I'm not really as stressed out about money as I used to be. Thank god for that.

Shit may not be happening right on schedule, but shit I'ma make it happen one way or another. I'm not trying to play anymore. I don't have time for that. I always say playtime is over.. But it really is. Idk about everybody else, I'm not concerned with everybody else. I'm not on anyones time. I'm focused on me, working on MY time and I already feel I'm behind schedule. Regardless who feels I'm "ahead" of the game or right where I'm supposed to be. I won't rest until my soul is truly at peace at where I am. And to get there, I have to truly give it my all.

And I'm at a point in my life, why not give it my all? Everything else, I half ass .. Half the time I got it right, I probably guessed. Drake wasn't lying. So when I half assed shit I did more than a decent job, imagine if I give it my ALL .. My ALL nigga? Do you know what that is? No because come to think about it... I never gave anything my all in my entire life. No person, place or thing. I always preserved a piece of me. Idk why, maybe I felt I didn't need to give it my all.. Some of me was enough. Maybe I felt like I wouldn't get all of me back if I threw it all in, so I kept a chunk of me sac(red), hidden deep in a box. Or maybe, I was just sca(red) if I gave it my all and still failed I wouldn't be able to handle that type of mental beat down I'd hand myself.. So my reasoning for failing would be, but I didn't give it my all in the first place .. which spark other curious thoughts. Whatever the reason(s) I now feel I'm strong enough mentally to dive head first .. If I fail, fuck it. I tried. If I succeed .. Yippie for me. And that applies to alot of aspects in my life. I can't complain about the results of my work ethic ( in any aspect ) if I'm not giving it my all. That's like complaining about how slow you're going, but you're barely tapping the gas pedal.. Doesn't make any sense.

Not only was I hesitant to give my all .. At first I couldn't determine what to give my all too.. That's key as well. You can give your all but if you're giving it to the wrong person, place or thing.. You will never get back what you put out.

Now, that I figu(red) who I truly am (for the most part, I'm still evolving) I know what I want to invest my time and my all in. Now I just have to lay the foundations and go for it. Sounds simple right? I wish it were. Lol let me get some sleep. I gotta work in the am. Blah.

Reflection time ..

I always try to check in with myself frequently, make sure I'm not getting ahead of myself and I'm fully aware of what's going on around me and in my mind. I take this shit seriously lol too many lost souls wandering the streets, I'm pretty sure that's a result of not checking in. Funny, alot of people are so quick to give out reality checks to others but haven't cashed in any for themselves.

Anywho, the end of the year is approaching and we survived what was rumo(red) to be the end of the world. I do believe it was the end, it was the end of the bullshit. And as a new era is approaching .. I gotta reflect in depth.

Now I lay at night and reflect on my day .. I do this everyday faithfully. Always good to replay the daily events, but when you glance back on an overview of your life within certain time intervals you see more of a difference than you do with your daily reviews. And although there's things I wish I could change, I don't dwell on it. For what was, made today what it is.

This year has certainly taught me alot. Shit, I went through alot, way more than I'll ever speak on. There were nights I really cried (yes, I know I couldn't believe it either) with no clue as to what the next day held .. But here I am. Still standing. And even more hopeful than I have ever been in my entire life. I have an idea of what the future holds because I know what I want out of life .. But to the extent as to how I'll receive it, is beyond me. And it took me some time but I finally understand that it's okay.

I don't have to know exactly how things are gonna turn out, just knowing they're going to turn into a reality is enough for me now.

I remember being really stressed, frustrated and couldn't understand what the fuck was I doing wrong, I was voicing my concerns with one of my realest friends and as I pou(red) my soul to her (which I do quite often) "I think it's my attitude, I try to get everything I want, exactly how I want. And if I can't have it how I want it, I don't want it." I went to check my horoscope (yes, I do believe in astrology, shit has proven its accuracy and zodiac isn't what it used to be..bullshit) and its like the people who wrote my horoscope was eavesdropping and answe(red) my concerns. "You have your mind set on things working out a certain way, so if what you want presents itself in another form, you'll neglect it. open up your mind and allow something even better than you can imagined to come into your life" I paraphrased it, there was more, but boy did it make my jaw drop.

I thought about it, and came to the conclusion that I had to change that aspect of myself. I wouldn't say I'm a perfectionist (I don't like to label myself for personal reasons) but I like for things to be structu(red) to my liking. I'm very understanding to others but rarely am I ever understanding of things not working for me exactly how I want it. Once I finally grasped that I can't control every single aspect of my life, I learned to truly go with the flow. Instead of just going with the flow I created somehow someway, I learned how to adjust my sails as I flowed with the natural order of things.

It's not easy. Lord knows it took me some time, heavy dedication. But it was worth it, I wanted to change. And it worked. It really worked. Things started looking up or maybe I just got ti(red) of feeling down. Either way, I'm happy I took that route. I can now say as the year ends.. I have nothing but great feelings for the new year.. I made a two year list and I already crossed two of the main things on that list before this year ended. I can only imagine what the next year alone awaits.

Everything I ever wanted is slowly becoming a reality in my life, of course not in the EXACT way I wanted it, but my horoscope was not lying about better things than I imagined falling together. And I couldn't be more happier.. I mean I could, but right now is what matters and I'm happy.

Of course, I still get upset every now and then. And I still struggle with keeping my mind free of constricted thinking of certain things, but I don't give up. It does get easier, if I get mad it never last long. I realized letting go is the easiest way to get over something. No need to harbor anything negative or negative causing things|thoughts|people in my life.

I'm still not where I need to be, but I don't worry about that .. Where I'm at now, is gonna get me there. That I have no doubt in. The seeds I've planted, the ones I'm planting are going to blossom beautifully, I have no doubt in that as well. I've told myself doubt is not apart of my vocabulary unless NO in front of it on my Gwen stefani shit. In the past I've doubted myself plenty of times.. I know why I doubted, and I know why I don't anymore.

The beauty of self-reflection.
You can answer your own questions if you dig deep enough.

They'll ask me how I did it and who I did it for ..

The only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. Not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. Otherwise you begin excusing yourself. You must see the writing as emerging like a long scroll of ink from the index finger of your left hand; you must see your right hand erasing it —Margaret Atwood

Déjà vu, or dreams come true?

Since I can remember my dreams always meant something to me, especially how real it can feel. I try to replay them as many times in my head until I either figure out what they meant, or I permanently stamped them into my mind for further observation.

Now, as many dreams as I tried to hold on to, many do get lost or forgotten til I'm reminded by some random clue in my everyday life. Which gets me to thinking ..

What's déjà vu?

Definition says feeling of having experienced a situation already.

- doesn't say where you experienced it.

It's believed you experience déjà vu because of past lives we lived.

It's also believed that if you say déjà vu while experiencing it, whatever was going to happen, isn't because you now alte(red) events by saying déjà vu.

But what if déjà vu .. Is just dreams come true?

Now maybe this is just me, Idk .. My grandma is a bruja. But I've had wild regular ass dreams that seem odd in the first place ... To actually fucking happening and I get that déjà vu feeling .. And it'll click, I had a dream about this.
I keep alot of this shit to myself anyway.. But I always keep it documented within myself. Tooo many dreams have come true either exactly how the dream went or better than the dream.

I do believe in reincarnation. I've had flashbacks and its not my life I'm viewing. Gotta be someone I once was. That's how I separate dreams. The ones from my life and the past lives that make guest appearances every now and then. The ones about my life, the people in it, the places I'm at. I pay close attention to.. Your dreams are your subconscious speaking to you anyway, and you become what you think about.. Imagine the subconscious side? That's a stronger force. Those gut feelings are apart of that subconscious as well. People often ignore their instinct and clearly, you know what's best for you. Your mind, body and soul has proven itself time and time again. Just listen.

And next time someone says déjà vu .. . Tell 'em, nope. A dream came true.

The Crayola effect.

8, 16, 24, 48, 64, 96, & 120 packs of crayons available today. So many shades of colors and people still stick to black and white .. And sometimes gray.

Let's compare this to life.

Lets say we all start out with 8 pack of crayons .. And each of those crayons depicts how broad our experiences are .. 8 being minimum, children aren't exposed to much anyway .. Like an 8pack of crayons.

So you got your basic colors and this is what you know.
Red is red. Blue is blue.
But as you expand your horizons you are exposed to different reds, red violet orange red, .. Blue evolves into blue green, blue violet, Indigo ..
You moving up in the crayon world you got the 48pack now.. You know you got more options, and hell you're gonna use them (good for you!) you feeling the colors, using them, knowing when to pull them out and making sure they're sharp. Pretty soon you're speeding up the crayon charts maneuvering swiftly with the 120pack .. Nobody fucking with you. You familiar with colors people still don't know exist and that's just your weekend choices. You out here lending out colors, showing others who just got it, how to blend them. Pretty cool huh? Possibilities must feel endless right? Everyone should wanna fuck with the 120 pack because who doesn't like options?

Some are content with whatever pack of crayons they're at, 48 may seem too much, the 16pack is fine with them .. 120?? Woo not in this life time.
That's fine too.
People should be content with whatever their hearts desire. Some feel all those crayons are just plain greedy while others won't be satisfied until they get that pack. It's all on you.

But let me not stray .. I have a point here. Two actually, but let me finish the first.

A person who has been exposed to the larger quantities of crayons will always be able to get more in depth than those with the knowledge of just an 8pack crayons .. Is the person with the most knowledge of crayons the better person? No, but that person has broken out of a box that many wouldn't have. In life some people don't branch out farther than the 64 pack and that's because it comes with a built in sharpener. (Who doesn't want a built in sharpener??) They are comfortable with the colors they know and don't feel the need to add to the collection. Or... they aren't even aware these colors exist. So they stand strongly by what they know.

When people around you playing with 48packs and you on 24, you might get defensive .. Who's this assshole, doubling up.. 2 good 4 24pack huh?.. Now you're questioning your pack .. All of sudden it looks raggedy, run down, you notice brown's paper is peeling. You're feeling like shit. Why? You too can move up in the crayon world, you can expand ya color pallets .. Regardless of what you're told or taught, you're not restricted to the colors you're used too.


Granted.

I'm using this crayola analogy, because they come in variety and they're kept in a box. Something we humans tend to do. Our box is our mind. We rarely break out our box til we're exposed to "new colors".

Closed minded people would judge everyone they know based on crayons they've been exposed too. They stay within their box. This is all they know.
Open minded people would understand that all crayons are different but serve their purpose in different packs, they may stay in one box, but they've explo(red) several on their journey through crayola world. Lol

Please remember crayon is a metaphor for mentalities/experiences(which alters mentalities, but whatever). I don't wanna lose you. (I'm really talking to myself lol)

Your entire life you been exposed to 16 pack of crayons .. Every person you know fits each crayon in your 16 pack .. Every crayon you meet, you'll feel fits your crayon box criteria .. But what if they weren't in your box? What if no matter how you tried to sort it, that crayon just doesn't fit.
They must be wrong?
Right.
Wrong.
But, of course that's what you'll tell yourself because you don't know any better. Your first thought isn't maybe this crayon belongs in another box, shit you don't even know about any other box; the first thought is what's wrong with this crayon that it doesn't fit? You'll find ways to alter it and force it to fit, instead of accepting it for what it is.


Now, a crayon exposed to 120pack will see a crayon from 64pack and know it belongs there. Won't try to alter it or fix it, just help it finds it's place back in its rightful box. Also, being exposed to different shades of crayons you know there's more than one shade of green, and understand the difference in each shade of green. While a crayon only in the 8pack knows one type of green, so no matter the shade.. To them, green is green.

Now, that may be true depending on what it's being applied to but in this case it isn't. Everyone is truly different. Even if we're in the same pack, no two colors are the same ..

Serve the same purpose, our mark is just different. The shade we leave is whatever we make it to be. Yet these boxes confine us to this reality that all we are is what we know. And we're way more than what we know. We think we know, but in reality we don't know shit. Everyday is a learning experience. And as you're exposed to different experiences(colors), you'll see it's okay to come out your box, you may find you're a better fit elsewhere or you may find that you were in the right box all along, just now you gained a better understanding of the other boxes around you in the process.

Which brings me to my second point ( I know I talk too much, that's why I talk to myself) let's talk about Red from 24pack ..
She explo(red) and found out she's not only red but she's Razzmatazz.. She glowing too, so many nights she tossed and turned wondering where were these deep red flashes coming from in her dreams.. Just to find out she Razzmatazz. Shes accepted among the red area of the 96pack, red orange giving her props, brick red giving her high fives and he head honcho around that end. You go home, back to your 24pack .. Everybody looking at you funny. Red? That you? Oh nah guess what guys? I'm Razzmatazz now......
Razzmatazz ???
*everybody laughs and now you're embarrassed*
They're cracking jokes and you don't understand, you had it all figu(red) out just a few minutes ago and now you feel like a fool. Who am I kiddin? Razzmatazz pshh.. I'll be plain old red forever. :(
*cues worlds tiniest violins*

Wrong. Razzmatazz was right all along. The signs were there and what she was feeling was accurate. Her doubts only came after her encounter with her boxmates, they couldn't see her past red. why would they? they never been outside the box.. But nonetheless, she was born a red, she would grow up to be Razzmatazz thus the red shades flashes in her dream .. But she never knew how to identify who she was because she was in the wrong box. The box was right for them, but for Razzmatazz it wasn't. But everyone assumed it was, who were they to question anything? They thought they knew it all. So imagine them accepting Razzmatazz as one of their own when they're used to her being red? And Razzmatazz is just too different for their box. They won't. They'll try to break her down and mold her into what they want, for her to fit in that box again, which is awkward for everybody. If she moves on to another box, she's a traitor. If she stays, she's betraying herself. What does she do?

Everyone at some point will betray you, you can't control that. but you can control betraying yourself. You owe yourself that much, to never let yourself down. Even if all the crayons are looking at you shady.. Fuck that. Stand by your color and if you wanna leave your box, you can. People will judge you by the box you came from, the box you're in, the shade of your tip and which crayons you're coloring with (yes that is a SATC reference)... But as long as you're comfortable with your shade. Can't nobody tell you shit. Not even brown.

Ramblations.

RT @philoquotes: Whatever one of us blames in another, each one will find in his own heart. ~ Seneca


In simpler terms, whatever you think someone is capable of, you are too. If you're not capable of it, why would someone else be? .. It wouldn't cross your mind at all.


It's weird. Ima try to explain this, I really gotta get this out lol.

The keyword in the quote being IN ANOTHER, deeper than actions, these are specific qualities in your soul. If you can see something in someone else, you have to had seen it in yourself. Real recognize real.. Sound familiar?


I always say ( I always say, that. too. Lol same conversations different people. Shit becomes repetitive. I digress) how people like to accuse others of things, they know damn well if they were on that side, that's what they'll be doing. The worst people are the ones in denial about it. They'll act like they would never even think of whatever they just randomly suggested. It's like if we're not capable of something, it doesn't exist at first thought. Think about it.

The mind is a powerful thing. There is plenty we are capable of, good* and bad*. The only thing missing is the urge. Thats when shit get real. Urge, like hunger only grows.. Even after many attempts to ignore.

Serial killers, rapists, addicts, just to name a few extremes. The urge may vary upon several variables, but it's there nonetheless.

To satisfy an urge, as any history will prove (wo)man will go to great lengths to do so. Ever got an urge for a healthy slice of homemade strawberry cheesecake with the whip cream mountain surrounded by sliced strawberries laid just right, Hershey's chocolate crust *kisses fingers* lol any urge can get that specific ask anyone in any categories I mentioned above.

Now, when you get what you've been craving for ..you're either satisfied or you're not.

Subconsciously we think people we come across are just like us, even if they don't appear to be on the outside. If we're not satisfied with something we don't think other people would be either. If we would do something, our first thought is so would (s)he.

My first thought is that.

Whatever I think of, I think anyone is capable of the same thing. I mean why not? How would I even know? Until they act on it .. Exactly. You know how many things crossed my mind but I never acted on it? Alot, alot. Some thoughts are meant to be just thoughts .. Some people may not feel that way. Who are we to say?
You don't know what someone is capable of, until they get that urge to act on it. So now, if people don't act on an urge, people think it's not there. Ehhhh. Self-control is a beautiful thing, due to the advanced nature of today's civilization.. Majority of Humans tend to act uncivilized by nature (Man, it's so hard not to act reckless.) self control comes in handy when trying to refrain from giving in to your natural animalistic urge to wild out. (Home training .. Starts as a child. "You better calm your ass down before I calm you down" *flashback*)

Certain situations calls for certain types of behaviors. But again, until someone is pushed to their limit, or their back is against a brick wall with no where to move, we'll never see what they're capable of. So when you do believe someone is capable of something .. Are you stereotyping their appearance or do you see that quality in you too?

A person who never did wrong, would see no wrong in anyone else.
Think about it.

Which gets me to thinking again,
How fucked up are some people?

How fucked up am I?
What am I really capable of, I think anyone is capable of anything .. I can't exclude myself. Certain things I didn't think I was capable of, I happened to be just the opposite of that.
But then again, I have a very great sense of self-control. Seriously, my refrain reflexes are on point. I would hate to lose all self control in a situation I'm trying to keep all control .. I really doubt that would end well. You never really know ...
That's the most interesting part of it all.




*- good and bad are subjected to reader's view of right and wrong.

Just a thought.

What's worse?

Never feeling anything at all or feeling but having it fade as quickly as it came?
Leaving you yearning for a feeling that can out last previous emotions.

Who's to say what's worse?
In my opinion, it's worse to feel and fade than to never feel at all ..

When you don't feel you don't know what you're missing ..
But feeling and fading ....

It's like tasting something good and never being able to taste it again .. Or tasting something horrible and the taste doesn't leave a bitter after taste.

It has its advantages and disadvantages like most things in life. But whichever one outweighs the other varies on the person.

What's my point? I don't have one. I mean if you found one that's great. But I'm just rambling as usual ..


Don't pay me any mind.

Just a thought.

The Strangest Secret.

"This is Earl Nightingale and I would like to tell you about the strangest secret in the world".....

His voice is pretty weird, but his message is amazing. It's not a validation but rather a reassurance of things you may have felt but couldn't describe .. Or maybe that's just how I felt.

If you can listen, truly listen to that and not have a change of attitude afterwards ... This is not for you. You are the 95% who like to ignore the truth. I swear I can always tell who listen to it by how their lives are structu(red). Listen to people when they talk. You can tell how they view life by how they speak of their own. It's indeed the strangest secret.

I think it's amazing to me how a message like this can be around for decades (1956) yet still only 5% succeed in life. Since I've made this message apart of my life, I've tried to pass it on to any and every one willing to listen. Majority of those get the message; the few that didn't just only confirmed what I already knew about them but didn't want to admit. They're failures before they even got a chance to try. I've realized in life that failure is a state of mind, just as success is. Just as everything in life is, if you want to get technical. Conformity is also a state of mind. A very dangerous state of mind as Mr. Nightingale explains in depth .. That's the problem with people today.

“The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it’s conformity.” — Rollo May

Conformity. Acting like everyone else because everyone else is doing it.
Clones. Easier to blend in. Easier to live life by standards set by the majority party. Because in all reality people don't truly wanna live, they're just getting comfortable as they await death. If people really wanted to live, they would. Less miserable souls wandering the streets and more happy beings bursting with joy lighting up the pavements when they pass on by. Because living, is doing what makes you feel alive; not what turns your face stale as if life is a bitter old apple you just took a big bite of. People often do what they think is right rather than what feels right. That may work in some cases, but even in my 21 years of living I can already tell you that with life itself. That's not gonna work.

“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.” — George Bernard Shaw

I love everything about the quote above, especially because I was once that person .. Blaming my circumstances, using that a crutch because I couldn't stand up on my own two and accept my circumstances, were the cause of me. Didn't do me any good, so I tossed the crutch .. Ain't limp since. I try to help people change their mind frame, because as Mr. Nightingale told us; we become what we think about.
We think about what we become.
It's a never ending cycle.

The same reason we aren't supposed to invest so much time and thought into fear but rather invest it in something more positive, more desirable. Of course, it's easier said than done .. But if you really focus on it .. Eventually it'll be done and you will be amazed at why you didn't change your mind frame sooner. Some people are so stuck in their ways, they don't see it .. But that's because they don't want too. If they want to change, they would be open to change. Right? But to admit that, would mean admitting that one was closed minded to begin with, and lord knows no one wants to admit that willingly.

But this is a great inspirational taping, and I will forever spread the knowledge and belief I have for that particular message. You become what you think about.
I'm sure I'll be more convincing once I become all I ever thought of .. I'm getting there.

"What you think today and tomorrow, the next month, the next year, will mold your life and determine your future. You’re guided by your mind."

Why So Serious?

In my best Joker impression .. RiP Heath Ledger. 

I really don't get it. Nothing is ever personal unless you take it that way .. and if you decide to take it personal, how is that my fault? Why must I get the cold shoulder because you're taking things more personally than originally intended? I can't understand. 

I know I'm a difficult person to deal with, this I am aware of .. I tend to withdraw from society from time to time, its never intentionally .. certainly never personal. I just like to focus on me, I never feel people care that much to begin with. I just move on my own time and I don't feel the need to inform people of my every move .. that's usually what brings distractions. Lord knows I don't need those.

Idk if it's because I understand people need their space that I don't mind when people distant themselves from me, But whenever I do pop up again like shit is regular (because I feel it is), I get cold stares and snide remarks. I guess that's inconsiderate on my behalf .. but my intentions are never to hurt people or make them question my character or motive. Now that I think about this, I think I may have a similar post on this topic (I'll check when I'm done here) But, I guess it will never change. I am progressing as a person but maybe certain qualities are as advanced as they'll be. Accepting that isolated loving part of me is apart of ACCEPTING ME AS A WHOLE. People tend to love alot of your qualities but the few they don't like, they use against you the most. I can't help who I am. 

Can a young bitch live man? you can't tell people lighten up without them taking it even more personally that you didn't take their original statement as serious as they took it in the first place .. and so on ... it's really a hard battle to win. You argue your side you're wrong .. you let it go, you don't care. which one causes less stress? ... exactly.

Why so serious? 

Inspi(red)

I'm here, I'm not all the way settled in. But this is my apartment. I'm still as excited as I was when I first walked through the door, It hasn't even been a week, everything isn't kosher just yet. Yet, I couldn't be more happier. This is exactly what I needed to start off my new year right. 2013 will be very prosperous, no matter what obstacles are thrown my way, I will not be phased. I told myself over and over what I needed to really get my dreams off the ground and now I got it. I have to take full advantage and as my life seems to be finally getting easier (or I'm getting better at taking control of my life) I can't continue to let opportunities pass me by. I'm constantly inspi(red) by everything and everyone I see on a daily basis, the time to do something with it is now. 

I broke down what I need to do, what I want to do and time frames for both. My mind working 100mph and I need to be as organized as possible .. when your attention span matches the one of a curious squirrel, Organization is key. I have so many ideas, but timing is crucial. which is why I choose to take my time and make sure the blueprints are perfected. I'm almost there, and New blue prints are being created everyday .. I really can't wait til We (my cousin and I) are done decorating the apartment. Once that's complete we'll be ready to go. Everyday that passes just proves that this was the right decision. I really have no idea what awaits me, all I know its gonna be bigger than I imagine. and my imagination is already far out. 

Remain; Positive, Focus and smoking. lol 

No one can give you better advice than yourself. ~ Cicero