Images of women; II - Women Becoming.

We're half way through 2013 .. 

A lot has changed, alot is changing. 

Especially in the progression of women. Half for the better, half for the worse. 

Lets start with the bad, 

Now in today's society we have two types of females; females that are progressing and females that are destructive. 

The destructive female. 

Any female that isn't working towards building, is destroying. Family, personal, business. As females we have the power to build and create something meaningful not just to those around us, but for us. It makes sense, the sense of fulfillment we get when we finish what we started and see our seeds sprout into beautiful plants, in all aspects. 

Now some females are broken internally. Some aren't aware, some are but are just too hurt to fix it. Either way this is a problem. These type of women indulge in things strictly for themselves, and no one else. Not for positive reasons anyway. They don't contribute to society, all they do is wreck it. Here's why, the men they prey on are left with a distorted view of women after them. The people who extend a hand always gets their hand bitten so they're timid of lending a hand after them. The children who are used as a pawn and a liability are confused to what's real and what's all apart of a scheme. Trust issues all around the board. Views of life and people so fucked up because mommy dearest was a total selfish bitch. 

Destructive women never look back. If they did, they would notice the sight of all the damage they've caused and would change their way of living, leaving her trailblazer past of destruction behind her (she can change, once she's aware). But usually she's not. She's usually finding closure for everything that's occu(red) in her life everywhere except where she needs to look, inside herself. Most walk around with this sense of entitlement due to these emotional reparations they feel they deserve from everyone who encounters them. It's not right. 

Let me be clear, I don't care what's your profession, how you live, how much material possessions you own, how well you take care of your kids. That doesn't mean anything if you're internally destructive. There's plenty of women who are in power and have it all together but themselves. They're still destructive, they hurt everyone around them but themselves. And sure in the end, they suffer the most for their ways but so are alot of lives that shouldn't have been this negatively affected by a woman. Granted we accept what we allow, so we must hold a sense of self accountability when dealing with women of that nature.. But realistically, some women have that effect. The destructive play Damsel in distress very well.. The destructive never seems to be destructive until the time bomb go off. It's a matter of being aware and not ignoring the signs, if there's nothing visible.. There's signs visible. Check for them. 

The worst part of the destructive female is the fact they make it harder for the genuine progressive female in alot of aspects. Fuck the fact that being a female is hard enough already but now we have to dodge these hurt men and constantly prove ourselves to be genuine because of the destructive impostors. And some have never seen genuine so when they do, it's so frightening they assume destruction is the fate of this encounter. I can't blame them, hard to recognize real when you've been surrounded by illusions of it for so long.  

But we're out here. Oh trust we're out here. I include myself in the category of women progressing because I'm far from destructive, in fact I'm the opposite. My trail leaves behind better people even if we've parted ways. I choose to empower  those I'm around instead of tearing them down to build myself up as destructive women tend to do. 

Progressive women are just that. Progressive. In all aspects, they're bettering themselves and others. They look for ways to be a better person, a better contributor to their loved ones and society. They aren't trying to get ahead while pushing others behind them in the process, they aren't stepping on toes but instead trying to step up together with those around them. Nurturing and providing a stable foundation to truly prosper. And today, I couldn't be happier  seeing women progress like this. Empowering our youth through success and still embodying everything a women should be. Still a lady about your movements, while moving like a boss. Bravo.

These women show us, you can have your business and your family. Society has this conception embedded in us that we can't have both. But we can, if we want it. Some want one more than the other, aren't really honest about it. They either yearn for what they lack because they lack it or they chose the wrong thing to pursue and now realize it. Because we can create life, I personally believe women are unstoppable. I mean we bleed for days consecutively every month but yet we live... What can't we really do? Mind over matter ladies. 

We are extremely powerful. Especially today. Society has all these options laid out for us, it's on us to go get it. And realistically.. Because we're females we can get it a little bit faster.. Depending on how you move and your intentions. Keep in mind your intentions can launch you forward or pull you back. Doors will get open for you, you're a female. There's plenty who want to help us get ahead. The doors will be opened, whether you choose to walk through is ultimately on you.. And who you are determines whether you get to stay or it's just a temporary visit. Whether its to stay or just a visit, ensure you take all you can without having to use your hands to take it. But so much you can hold in them, the mind doesn't have a capacity. 

As women we do have to take advantage of everything that makes us women in the most positive and progressive manner.. For the betterment of you as a whole. A better you is not only beneficial to you but everyone around you. People feed off a strong woman. A sure woman. A good woman. It's the way of the world.

As a woman, your daily objective should be on what you're becoming, your route there.. And keeping an eye on who you are during this process. Making sure you glance back, not to dwell but to make sure you didn't leave anything behind. Stepping forward with pride and a smile. Because the woman you're becoming, is everything you want to be. That's how it should be. Right? 

Right. 

Get with it or stay lost.

Understand.

Many don't. They only understand what they want to, what they're willing to accept. Anything outside of their comprehension level is just disregarded. Most don't even bother to wrap their minds around things they can't .. Excuse me, refuse to understand. 

Can't is a state of mind.

Comprehension is a dying trait.. It's not embedded enough. Such a shame since its key in communication. It all starts with reading and in the words of a good friend of mine, motherfuckers can't read. Sure you can read words, but do you read what they're saying, what they mean.. Many don't. They don't see past the print and in turn they lose out on the message. 

I've been reading since first grade, books and people. I was so ahead of my class I was helping other kids with their reading skills, I understand words and people very well. I've always had a high level of comprehension. 

Many don't realize that, due to my advanced level of understanding on just about any and everything is the reason I get along so well with people despite me being reserved and slightly antisocial (I'm getting better at that) I get it. Alot of things aren't hard to understand, we just complicate things by trying to add other variables that aren't relevant to the problem nor solution. I understand that. I understand that so well I help others remove these unnecessary variables and understand the equation at hand. Just cause you don't like the answer doesn't make it any less right. Just because you don't understand why, doesn't mean it's wrong. Remember that. 

I understand that many don't understand.. And they are more that don't understand then those that do. I get that. Too many closed minds, not enough open ones. Cool. But what I hate (I know hate is a strong word but I stand by my choice of word) is when my understanding ability is underestimated. 

Understand this; you can never assume what one is capable of understanding and failing to understand this is a big NO NO. (To me at least) to make that choice for me, like I'm inadequate to comprehend a situation is extremely insulting. To assume, only makes an Ass of you, not me. And in that same note, it turns me all the way off.. Idc who you are. Many don't understand that. They can't understand why I get so furious when I'm lied to, like I can't understand the truth. When my choice is made for me, like I can't understand my options. Like I don't know what's best for me. 

I do understand this, many who make these choices and create these lies in fear of being misunderstood are selfish. They understand the downside to the choices and the truth.. And they won't take the chance to have you pick what they fear most.. Which is funny because in my opinion.. That fear, those actions following that fear are the reason many leave.. The main reason I leave, obviously you're in this for yourself.. You're making decisions for me and not realizing that your lack of understanding me is hurting you more than anything. 

I was at this bar the other night, and I was talking to this guy.. He was cool, nice conversation, life, relationships etc..he stopped me and said .. You really the truth, many don't realize that in relationships, understanding is just as important as everything else. And it's funny cause I just assumed that was normal, I assumed everyone understood that. And they don't. And to hear him say that, made me realize that's the problem with not only relationships.. But life in general. Most altercations and fall outs are through misunderstandings.. So how can this be avoided? I mean shouldn't that be our concern? To gain understanding through life and expanding our understanding tank? I sure think so. 

But lets be real for a second, most misunderstandings stem from miscommunication.. Because we assume the other doesn't "get it"/understand alot of things are left unsaid. In fear of getting our emotions misunderstood, we choose silence. Leaving the other to come to an understanding of their own. Usually very deluded and vague due to original confusion mixed with silence which we associate with not caring more often than not. And I mean, can you blame them? Often, we don't do our part in providing clarity.. Which is key in understanding. Hard to confuse anything when it's provided in its clearest form. But sometimes, things aren't even as clear to us, so how can we truly provide clarity? We're confused our damn selves. I understand. It's hard sometimes. 

But the effort in trying to understand and the effort in trying to be understood is more than enough. I say that, once effort is being shown, effort from the other side is put forth. It all depends on how bad do you want to understand or be understood. 

Once you understand that, there's not many things you won't understand. 

Shit real.

I just wanna be successful like the song says.. 

The game needs change and I'm the motherfucking cashier. — And I've done my calculations and I know exactly how much change it needs. 

Cause I'm the one to paint a vivid picture no HD.. Yeah, I want it all, That's why I strive for it. Diss me and you'll never hear a reply for it, Any awards show or party I'll get fly for it, I know what's coming I just hope I'm alive for it.

He be knowing. He really do. And it relates so much more with each listen.. Time is evident of that message. And I read it like like a contract with my name on it. I know what's coming to me.. I'm just preparing myself for what I can and as I progress I'll be able to prepare even more .. 

Shit is real though. As always, and things are definitely on the up.. Or I just refuse to look down.. But I'm rising, I feel it. I just act accordingly. 

And life change for me every single week,

So it's good, but I know this ain't the peak though. 

Shit real though.

One.

We're all looking for the one. 

What for, it varies. 

In search of the One, isn't really much of a search for me.. I feel he'll find me when needed, and if he has found me.. He'll step up when needed. I just keep my eyes, ears and soul open. I feel I come across the one for the night, the one for some time.. The one who teaches me a lesson, and the one who is everything but a blessing. I don't sweat it. I don't belittle those "one" they serve their purpose as needed.

I thought I found the one. The actual, One. The one who when pressed up against me we became one instead of two, as the other ones have created in the past. I don't want to be two. I want to be one.

See I'm not looking for a partner. I'm looking for my reflection. The one who when I look up at him he's me in the flesh, our souls connecting making us one.. The reflection in him makes me better which in turn makes him better simultaneously. I love Mirrors by Justin Timberlake so much, he truly knows the essence of 'the one'. That song says it all.

Back to the one though, how do you know when you've found the one? For me, I feel like the connection is well rounded: mental, sexual, spiritual. The one for me is one who I can be me and more. I feel connected and in tuned with his emotions, thoughts.. His touch sparks a fire through out my body that he's the only one who can put it out, and started it up again. I've felt it before. But what determines if he's really the one.. Is how long that feeling lasts.. Like I said some are the one for the night, or some time. It varies. Some aren't the one at all.. They aren't a factor. I don't even bother with those. Once you know yourself, you know who's definitely not the one off first meeting alone.

The recent one I thought was the one.. Let me be completely honest, I still think he might be the one.. But our timing must be wrong if he is, and if he isn't. Time will show me that. I held his hand.. For a long time. And my palms were not sweaty. They were dry as hell. I didn't even realize, one, we were holding hands that long and two, that my palms were fucking dry. I have alot of moisture in my body lol so my palms sweat at the randomest (don't care if that's not a word) times and I hate holding hands because of this. But I let him hold mine. And it threw me for a loop... I already had a nagging suspicion that he could greatly be the one to complete me, and then he pulls this shit on me. Lol I was a little open, confused.. But open. And then a series of events shortly after, confused the shit out of me and closed me up.

I'm far from bitter, I don't let the actions of men turn me off from searching for my one. I don't feel the need to scream all men ain't shit, I don't ever feel the need to "switch teams" my one is out there in the flesh of a man. A real man. And I'm patient enough in this aspect of my life because you can't rush that.. I certainly won't force that. As I become better and greater than I was the day before I know my one is on the same journey.. And our paths will continue to cross (if they haven't already, will cross) when the time is right. And when that day comes, I'll be more than ready to give myself to him as he will to me, and become the one we're meant to be. 

In the meantime.. I'll deal with the ones for some time.. The ones who come into my life, to fill whatever needs I have that they feel they can fulfill. But I'm the one that only deals with one. I'm the one who has no problem cutting off one to begin something with someone else. Because I'm the one looking for one, not two, not three, nothing of that multiple nature.

It's funny though, I deal with one at a time, but I know how to refrain from giving my all to that one if I'm not sure if that one is the actual one. Not everyone is understanding of that. Some don't understand that what I need more often than not isn't in form of a "serious relationship" (too much pressure put on that) but just a serious companion with flexibility. And it seems so hard to find, probably because most assume they know what you want based on what everyone else wants, and that's why I haven't found the one or the one hasn't figu(red) out I'm truly the one for him.. Yet.

Hmm.. 

Time.

Time reveals all, no? But I don't got the time to wait ..  I don't have much of a choice.. So in the mean time I have to make the most of my time, spend it wisely and be aware of my time. 

There's earth time - 24 hours in a day.

There's our time - our lifetime. 

See, some things go by earth time.. The world revolves around earth time, different time zones.. But time nonetheless. You gotta be at work by this time, you take a break at another time, you clock out at your designated time. You have an appt. by this time, you have an order being shipped by this date at this time. You have a date for this time, you have to make a call at that time.. and so on. Time is just something we humans created to ease our hypertension anxiety of infinity, forever is a long time .. Forever has no time. Forever doesn't exist .. Time doesn't exist. 

In our lifetime, there's things we won't ever fully understand until its meant for us to get it.. We have to let time run its course. As bad as we want an answer to a question about a person or a situation, we have to wait. We can't force it. We can't try to make our own understanding of it because we're not fully equipped with everything needed to make that conclusion .. The biggest factor, time .. Takes its time in revealing everything when needed. I don't mean 24 hour time, I mean life time. 

Because life doesn't run on a clock. Life doesn't have a curfew when to show up with everything you need. Life takes its time and sometimes that bitch is molasses slow. She's funny like that, forcing us to practice patience and constantly reminding us we don't have to rush, all in due time. Yet we as humans feel the need to rush and scramble to try to make sense of everything as we go along. And as bad as we want to make sense of everything. Life doesn't make sense.. Until we're done. Hindsight is 20/20, everything is clearer in the rear view. As we're speeding through life on man made time we are so confused and our vision is blur(red) .. With emotions, and half finished puzzles .. Scrambling to figure out the messages before time is up. But in reality, time is only up when you die.. Or when you decide that enough of your time has been spent on a particular situation or person .. But even then, life has a way of completing puzzles for us despite us walking away from it. 

Take movies and books for example.. The ending sums up the entire story.. By the end, there's clarity.. There's the light at the end of the tunnel. Only at the end is this revealed. The end of the story. We all have stories with a variety of things and people, you may have stopped reading them but doesn't mean the story is over.. You just got frustrated with confusion and let it go. Maybe you felt too much time was spent and not enough clarity for your liking.. Perfectly understandable. 

But let me tell you this, life will finish that story for you.. Because life has its own time that may not be as fast as your speed but life will catch up and show you what you were missing, show you what you couldn't see back then. And then, you're able to finish that story.. Close that book. And continue with your life.. And most times when life shows you what time it's on, you tend to slow down ... No need to rush when you know life is moving. 

And trust I know it's so hard to be patient, me and patience go at it almost every day but I keep cool.. I know she means best, my anxious nature makes it hard.. But I'm learning as time goes on. But time will reveal everything, time goes on.. And the end is when you die. Keep that in mind and you'll move differently. 

Now that's not an excuse to slack off and lose your sense of urgency, because  in this sense.. Time is out of your control. But with things that you have control of, the timing included with that control.. you must act on it and seize the opportunity. But have no fear.. Life got you.

Your life will reveal in its own time every purpose of every situation and person that enters and exits your life. It's always a reason, it's always a lesson. Always a blessing, even if its in a disguise that makes you sad or want to cry. It's life.

Patience is all that's needed with life time. And in your lifetime patience will definitely benefit you more than it will hurt you. In the mean time, use your time wisely and efficiently.. And with time that's not in your control, just make your wait useful and productive so you don't realize how long you have to wait. Life time doesn't have a clock you can stare at... So the wait feels like an eternity. 

Just be patient.

Shit real.

And it keeps getting realer. 

I just go with the flow.. I don't try to go against the current .. Just floating to my destination. 

I've learned and almost maste(red) how to let things go mentally .. Physically walking away from a person or situation is easy.. Walking away mentally, not so much. Especially for someone like me, who spends alot of time analyzing and decoding shit. But I'm getting better.. Because after all, it's MIND OVER MATTER. 

A lot of shit doesn't matter, and I refuse to pay it any mind. Even the things and people that once matte(red), I don't mind them once they don't matter any more. If you're not with me, you're against me. And those against me, will never prosper against me. Nor do they matter. Remind myself of that constantly. 

People want to be relevant, but only you can make them that way. That's why focusing on you and the realization of your goals and plans eliminates all that shit. People tend to feel a way when they realize they don't matter to you any more, but in reality they make it that way.

I only put as much effort into any situation or relationship as I see being put towards me. 50/50 is my game. Anything less is bullshit. I don't have time for leeches or crabs, I'm just working my way out this bucket. And if I have to drop people or leave situations behind me in the process, so be it. I refuse to let anything, any one slow up my progress. 

Shit is real. 

I'm excited, anxious.. So many different things are blossoming into something so beautiful, I'm just watering them and nurturing it like I would a garden. 

Time reveals all. 

Want.

I want it all. Half was never the agreement. 

Me? I want everything .. It won't take me long. 

I know what I want out of life, I know what I want for myself, I know what and who I want to be surrounded with.

Want - verb [ desire to possess or do (something) ]  

Want is a desire .. Some desires are stronger than others. When you want to do something, depending on how bad you want to do.. You get it done. If you want a pair of shoes bad enough you will do everything in your power to obtain them.. If you want to be a doctor, you study your ass off, skip plenty of sleep and earn all types of grants and scholarships for medical school. If you want a sandwich you take your ass in that kitchen to make the sandwich and if you're lacking anything for the sandwich; your hungry ass is gonna go to the store to get whatever's missing, or the nearest deli for a sandwich because you're hungry and you just gotta have a sandwich. 

It's a want. 

Regardless of what the want is. If you want it bad enough you're gonna go get it. If you don't, you didn't want it that bad. Be honest. You don't have to want the same things as bad as the next person. Our wants varies. But be true to yourself. Figure out what you really want, in allllll aspects. Like every single aspect of your life. And once you do that, go get it. What the fuck would you be waiting for? The hardest part is figuring out what it is that you want.. 

You think obtaining it is hard? You don't want it that bad.. You want something so bad when obtaining it is your only concern. You're not concerned with the difficulty of obtaining that want, because all you want is that want and nothing is gonna stop you. No mountain, obstacle or hurdle gonna slow you down. You want it, you gonna go get it. How bad do you want it? Huh? How bad? 

Bad enough to make it yours? 

That applies with people as well, persistence applied to a person is almost always successful.. I know plenty of men (for example) who were on their spouse until she "gave in". He wanted her, and stopped at nothing to get her.. It happens all the time. Especially with men. They want a female, they will move mountains to get her.. If they want her that bad. If he doesn't.. He walks around her and over to the one who truly caught his eye. That desire .. That want is so strong, it won't leave until its satisfied. 

Alot of men say they want me, but very few show me they want me .. So the ones that don't show that they want me, never get me. I don't think they want me that bad.. If they did, the effort would show. 

People say they want a lot of things, they may say they want others .. But their actions in pursuit of that want or lack thereof, shows how intense that want was in the first place.. If they never get it, they didn't want it that bad. It was a front, they thought they wanted it.. But they didn't. If they get it, they truly wanted it. Especially with the more complex wants. It's life. 

Pay attention.

I want it all.. And I know I will get ALL of it, I just organize my wants in order from greatest desire to least and just knock them down as I go along. I'm always gonna do what I want to do, I'm always gonna go after what I want.. Even if its out of reach, I'm not above going the extra mile to fulfill a desire. I want it that bad. I'll get mines. Will you get yours? Do you even know what's yours? What (who) you want to be yours? If you know and haven't got it, go get it. By any means..

Ain't that what you want? 

Saint&Sinner.

We're all sinners .. Alot of us play like we're saints. Some of us are pure.. Those sins didn't stain. But I'm both. 

I'm both a saint and a sinner. 

I could never stop sinning, because quite frankly.. What I don't consider a sin, maybe alot of others do. My sins are mine to live with, so I ask not forgiveness (Shirley). I'm rebellious, and some of my actions may get frowned upon but the sinner in me doesn't give a flying fuck. We're gonna do what we want. And who doesn't like it, it's their problem. Not mine. I never throw stones, I just get stoned.   

I'm a saint in the sense, my intentions are pure.. They're not tainted by my sins or wrong doings life may have put me through.. I still believe in the good of things and people. I do things without my hand out waiting for a return, I genuinely want to see people prosper.. My heart is still intact, pure, whole and pumping vigorously. My purity is the perfect balance for my sinful ways.

I'm not the purest, I'm not the dirtiest. I wash my hands every now and then, but I don't mind getting my hands dirty. Sometimes, you gotta get dirty to get shit done. The balance is knowing when to get clean, and when to get down and dirty. It may not work for everyone but it works for me. I've seen the cleanest and the dirtiest souls and I know where they fault and where they prosper.. I know my soul and I'm honest enough to know I'm in between. Right on the borderline. Sometimes I lean towards one side more than the other, but I never leave that border line. It's a balance. 

Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future.. When you're both you acknowledge your past, look forward to the future and aware of the present. 

Best of both worlds if you ask me. 

Car.

I had a dream a while back, I was driving a car, I was moving fast but my steering wheel was kinda jammed, I really had to use force to turn it and my seat was so uncomfortable, I was going straight ahead so I kept trying to adjust my seat but still not lose grip on the steering wheel itself, because as soon as i would let go of it, it became looser than octomom post labor. And I think the road was rocky... Needless to say it was very uncomfortable.

So when I awoke, I laid there recapping the dream and started my analysis.. I need about an hour of silence in the morning. I don't care who's around. I don't want to talk. I just woke up, I need to think, remember and analyze. Dreams life. Everything. Anyway.. I thought of what the dream was trying to tell me. This is what I got. 

My life is my car, I'm not comfortable in my seat; I'm not comfortable with my position in life. The steering wheel is tight and hard to turn when I hold on, but as soon as I let go its loose; I'm afraid if I let go of the wheel (control of my life) I'll lose complete control. But I was holding on too tight.. Cause the road was rocky; the path I'm on isn't smooth and I fear I may lose control if I don't keep a tight grip. Okay cool. I thought about my life more in depth that morning, that dream provided clarity in a weird way.. 

The car analogy was genius.

I love cars. I want to own 7. One for everyday of the week. Idc if that's unpractical to anyone.. It's not your money I'll be spending. Cars are beautiful  I love the exterior as much as the interior. I'm the friend that has to explain to my friends how to spot cars.. They just think they're pretty.. I know how to spot em. I observe and feel out the interior of any car I sit in, I adjust the seat every time. 

The feeling of watching how smooth a car rides is a different feeling from being in the car.. Your admiration is caused by the fact you're watching it move from close to far or from afar coming towards you.. Your enjoyment of the moment as you're speeding past time when you're in that driver, passenger seat, shit even from the back seat depending on the passengers with you. That's life. But you will never get to see yourself ride .. You will always see yourself driving, or enjoying your ride if you choose to allow someone else to drive your life car. So whenever people tell you about yourself, they're telling you the ride.. How smooth or unstable your driving is, how you glide, or speed past life is seen by those who aren't in the car with you. Even if you're not driving, it's your car. From afar you can't identity the driver nor the passengers. 

Be careful you let in your car, and be extra careful with who you let drive if you choose not to drive for yourself, sometimes we need a break.. We can either pull over and rest or let someone take the wheel for a bit.. You should be able to actually rest if you're not at the wheel.. if you can't rest, you have the wrong driver. If you can't trust that who you chose to drive your car while you rest on your trip won't crash your car.. pull over. Kick them out. Or put them in the back seat. 

That's what the backseat is for .. pure enjoyment of the drive. The driver is in control and the passenger is there assisting by staying alert, playing with the radio and just keeping the driver company.. until you switch to allow the driver to rest. after all you're in their car. You can't let someone drive your car for too long though, they'll begin to think its theirs. Who you allow in your car is very crucial. As I stated above, the people outside the car no matter what you think of your drive.. Will never know your drive from the inside. Only how smooth you ride down this road of life. So who you're riding with at some point will have to ride for you. Can they do it? Can you trust any of the passengers (no kids included in this analysis) to drive your car if you become ti(red) or sick or unstable that you can't drive, because you can't stop. Someone has to take over. And depending on where on the road of life you're on.. You'll have nobody but your passengers. Can you trust them? If not. Drop them where they need to be and keep it moving. There's no free rides and you can't allow anyone to drive your life into a brick wall. 

You also can't allow people to tell you how to drive. You know where you're going, you know the speed you need to be steady at so you can make it to your destination in one piece. Everyone has their own car, different body, motors, interior, exterior, etc. You have to drive your car accordingly. You can't expect a Volvo to hit Bugatti speed. You gotta get a good grip of your car, once you build it. You can always obtain a new car when you're ready, either way you have to drive it accordingly. I can't stress that enough. The reason we have a car is because we're going somewhere and we have to get there, by any means.. We have to reach our destination.. If you crash your car or allow someone to crash it for you, you either die in the crash or spend a tremendous amount of time trying to get back on the road .. You must avoid crashes at all cost. If the crash doesn't kill you, it delays you. Either way you're fucked. You don't want to be fucked that way, I'm sure of it. 

Avoiding crashes is very easy if you know how to drive and know where you're going, people think they know how to drive, but they learned how to drive by watching other people drive, never really driving themselves until its time to go; so they keep looking over at other cars and how they move and when they can get a glimpse of how the driver on their left side drives they imitate it. Often end up crashing because instead of the road, their eyes were focused on the next car. 

* Granted, sometimes you get hit by other drivers, but the impact of the other car is determined by how you were moving. You might get into a few accidents on the road of life, but how you bounce back from that will be ultimately on you, even if the accident wasn't your fault.

Keep your eyes on the road, aware of the signs ahead and ensure that your trust is well rested on the passengers with you. Never let anyone borrow your car. You should be in your car at all times. Always aware of where you're at and where you're going even if you doze off for a few. You're still on that ride. After all it's your ride. Your life.

I don't mind being in the back seat, of others cars.. Unless I feel I'm better in the passenger seat, I'd never steer you wrong, I'll be alert and aware of signs you may miss and my music taste is amazing of course. Lol I don't always feel the need to sit up front but where I see fit, I'll sit up front. Especially if its empty or your passenger isn't as valuable so you move me up front. I'll never ask to sit up front if you don't want me there and the seat is filled. I don't tell people how to arrange seats in their car. You know your role in one's life by how they seat you in their car, the passenger seat the best seat besides the driver. You share the same view, you're both of help to get to the destination. The back seat isn't bad because you're still in the car, but your view a little different. Your role is good company and if needed, assistance to drive. If the driver of a car I'm in or any of the passengers rub me the wrong way at anytime I'll get out. I don't have to be here, I'm here for the ride.. A ride I'm asked to be apart of or we just happened to be heading to the same place, down the same road. But at any moment it can change, I have my own car.. My own passengers to attend to as well. I won't take the ride if I know I'm not wanted, if I know I'm not trusted to take the wheel, if I know I don't want to take the wheel. I won't be uncomfortable on any ride, in any seat. I'll always try to get comfortable. If not, I get a new car or I get out depending if I'm the driver or the passenger in the scenario. 

I will always drive my own car. I trust my passengers, but I like to be in control of everything pertaining to me.. My car is most definitely one of them. Even when I'm resting I feel I can't completely rest until I get to my destination, I have a few .. I can rest when I get there before I head to the other destinations on the list. But I am learning how not to grip so tightly, I'm learning how to truly keep calm and find a balance. Focused but at ease. I appear that way on the outside, I get complimented on my drive all the time. But inside I'm chaotic. I'm tryna find the balance while maintaining my speed and smooth turns when I hit corners. I make it look easy, apparently. But I got this ..

 I'm learning through driving, I'm getting better and quicker every day. Can't ask someone to drive because I'm sca(red) of the hills ahead.. Only when I truly need to, I mean trulyyyyy need will I ask someone to drive. And that'll be just to recharge and get back to the mission. But trust, anyone I allow to drive won't crash because they value my life as much as theirs .. They wouldn't even be in my car, I don't need gas money, my car doesn't need much gas. Hybrid baby ;) Lol I just need to know you down for the ride.. Not dying to ride. Certain places we may pass, Sticking your head out the sun roof, screaming at the top of your lungs. No. You're really here for the ride. If my car break down you can help fix a flat.. If my vision gets blurry and I miss a sign, you caught it. I doze off, you willing and ready to take over cause you know where we're going and you know stopping not apart of the plan. 

The ride is really all we have, once we get to our destination, it's over. We spend more time traveling to it than we do actually there, depending on where you're going and how long you plan to be there. You have to make your ride enjoyable.. You have to be in good company. You have to make it to your destination, if not the ride was a waste of time. 

We don't waste time over here. You might put the pedal to the metal when you get excited about your destination but remember to know when to slow it down, and pick up speed again.. And whatever you do, don't put your car in park until you're in the parking lot of your destination.

Cues The Ride by Drake feat. The weeknd.

Midnight thoughts.

Idk ..

Idk how I'm supposed to feel, but I feel a plethora of emotions.. So many different things going on, so much I'm trying to do. I just want to make sense of it all. Don't wanna speak too soon, don't want to address it too late. It's crazy, life is crazy.. Love it though.. All I have in a sense. I'm feeling godly like as well. I really feel my aura is growing as well as glowing and I'm making my proper moves taking my time and doing what I need to do as far as handling things that are in my control... Still tryna to gain more control of things, but I'm pacing myself. Don't want to overwhelm myself by trying to do too much as I have in the past, I'm taking my time. 

I really believe in everything I want to do. And I really believe in it so much.. No one can stray me off course. A few people claim they believe in me, but I don't believe it. Its one thing to root for me, but to truly believe in me, means helping me, guiding me towards that in anyway you can.. thats what it means to me to truly believe in someone. I don't expect anyone to help me achieve this. That's why I'm moving on my own time at my own pace. It'll be soon before long when it pays off. I am enjoying this. 

I mean I'm barely getting started but I can't belittle the fact that I am making things happen, I'm doing more than I was this time last year. 

Progress baby, progress. 

I'm proud of myself.. I could've been broken by several things that have been tossed my way in the last year.. But it barely left a crack. I'm stronger than I realize. And I have my desires to thank for that. They've been awoken and they not taking anything I've allowed to silence them in the past. 

And I couldn't be happier, cause quite frankly I was sick of that shit. Sick of the panic attacks and fake smiles, sick of crying in the shower and not knowing why, sick of being average when I know I'm far from it. Sick of the box I created for myself because I was terrified of my potential. I was sick of being sick. 

Today, right this moment.. I'm healthy as hell. I am happy. I really come a long way, despite the fact that I have a longer road ahead I'm just happy that I'm in the mental state where I won't stop, and if I do it's just to sniff the flowers. It's crazy. I'm crying. Happy tears, for once Lol my body feels so weird. I'm just amazed at how honest I am without even trying. I really know who I am. I know me so well, I really have no limits. 

Shit is real. 

I am at a point where I can see this shit coming like I have binoculars (drake voice) I am a prophet.. I'm always right even when I don't want to be. Scary. But fuck atleast I know. And the more you know, the more you grow .. I'm all about that. I'm really unstoppable. 

I let people sleep on me .. Deep sleep. But once I ring that alarm, I'll keep them up for nights at a time wondering how the fuck I did it, how the fuck I'm still doing it and why the fuck hasn't anyone stopped me. Lmaoo it's crazy, its gonna be so true. They been sleeping on me so long, I even tucked them in, even pressed the snooze button a few times. But it's for the best. I'll play under the radar, but I will always be over your head.

July.

Shit real. As always. 

Lucky 7. 

Half of the year gone. 

Alot has happened, alot is happening. 

Not exactly how I imagined it .. But somehow it's working. And I'm just working with it. You know. 

I wonder what this month holds, I'm excited. I have a good feeling, some mixed ones as well but definitely more positive vibes than anything.

I feel like I live in two worlds. The real world. And my dream world. And it exists at the same time. Everything I do, all I think of, is ways to make my dream world my real world. And before, I used to focus so much on my real world and dream world seemed so far.. Dwelling on the misfortunes of life and letting it stray me from putting in work to dream world. Distractions, I tell you. Smh but I shook that off and really have been applying myself towards the progression of my dreams for sometime now. Patience is annoying but helpful.

Now real world, shit ain't so good, definitely could be better.. But instead of stressing over what could be or what should be.. I'm focused on dream world, anything is possible as long as you apply yourself. I excel at any task when I apply myself. My dream is a task, it's not real yet. So my MAIN CONCERN is to realize this dream by making the proper moves. Anything not helping me progress my dream is none of my concern. 

*there's a fine line between delusional and determined. As I've said before.. The reason I know I'm determined is because when I'm focused on dream world, I'm not pretending I'm already there.. I'm focused on the steps and paths that lead to it.

I often catch myself trying to do too much at once, no one ever knows this because I never say it. I bend over backwards behind closed doors, in my mind I think I can pull it off but real world on a different time than me. I always tell people nothing when asked what I'm doing, but it's always a lie.. I'm always doing something. But whatever I'm doing won't mean as much to you because you don't know my purpose for it and I don't go around screaming my purpose.. If you're meant to know. You'll see it soon enough. 

Time. Flies. But I slowed mine down.. In a different sense. I'm just so eager about something I wanna hurry up and show it off but I have to wait.. Take my time.. Do it right. Taking it slow, making sure I stomp when I step all at the same time. Slow strut like I'm walking to the altar (fab voice) lol in a sense, I am. 

It's alot going on mentally, I wouldn't have it any other way.

All my questions are slowly getting answe(red) .. :) 

Patience ... 

No lie. July, I'll take a little heat .. Just don't burn me.