Fuck up.

Sometimes I feel like a complete fuck up, 

Then I tell myself to shut the fuck up.. 

You're really a genius.. Don't forget. 

Yeah I know, I know ... 

But how can you not feel like shit every now and then, when you know who you could be is just within arms reach, and the only reason you can't reach.. Is because of who you are today. 

You're not there yet... What the fuck? 

I gotta be fucking up. 

Tell me how I'm not... 

-not your time.. Every thing take time.. 

You're young.. Blah blah. 

I get it. I swear that I get it. 

The 30 day challenge introduced me to another writer, great voice..I read her blogs.. This particular one though.. Was dead on. (http://t.co/Ocgzwe6xUH) we live completely different lives, we're two different people.. But she and her friends (mentioned in post) gets it. 

You really do compare how what should be vs what is, and of course no matter how good what is maybe, we'll feel what should be is better. 

It's hard sometimes, when you know what you're truly capable of, but you feel so crippled. It's frustrating.. Sure you appreciate everything around you, and you certainly appreciate who you are, who you're becoming... But when you truly know who you're meant to be.. It's mindfucking at times.. I'm a thinker.. I can't help it. I need to slow down, I wish I could. 

My mind moving too fast... My actions are feeling crippled so my efforts are just continuing to build endurance. It's my only hope to ever keep up with my thought process...

All these ideas, I gotta be extremely flexible.. In more ways than one. I have to be able to flex as my mind ticks.. 

People around me tell me they're proud of me for (whatever it is in particular they're proud of) and I say thanks, appreciate that.. then I think, even though I don't. Not trying to sound like a ungrateful bitch. But I just feel like I'm doing what I have to do.. Not really what I want to do, but I just gotta get shit done. (I think I said this before. Hm.) 

I'm 22.. To many, I'm a baby.. They expect me to want to be pampe(red) and fed.. Unwilling to do for me.. I'm young.. I just want to play all day.. Life is one big joke to me. (And it is, one of the most serious hilarious jokes ever told. But that's for another day) 

But I'm serious.. I do joke and kid. But I expect so much more for myself, and honestly, I'm acting like I don't deserve it.. I keep rejecting things like I'm not smart enough to realize the benefits of opportunity. Fucking up, acting stupid. I'm still stubborn. One day I will shed that shit off for good.. I guess it is cause I'm young.. But young and dumb aren't synonymous. That's where many get confused. They think because they were dumb at my age, I just have to be. Well guess who's wrong? You. Guess who just corrected another one of theirs? Me .. I had someone tell me I need guidance I laughed, told him he was probably right..

I guide myself, to allow someone to take over.. Like a blind person, only the top seeing eye dog can guide me. I'm Stevie wonder to the bullshit. [nodisrespecttoStevie]

Thank god for herbal meditation. 

I swear just as I'm about to lose my cool, I blow some steam, close my eyes and breathe. 

I remind myself of where I'm going, and how everything I'm encountering on this journey is needed for where I end up. As long as I don't stop.. I'll get there. 

Fucks up and all. 

As long as I don't stop.

I just won't stop.

Patience.

Practice patience Cristina, practice patience..  But it takes patience to practice, and I can't help, but feel anxious, I'm putting in the work.. Still don't have all the answers.. So I gotta wait. I hate to wait. No really.

I despise waiting.. 

But in life we're always waiting for something .. Even when we don't want too.. But apparently we can't control that. Tragic.. 

But I've been learning patience, fussing and fighting.. But I'm still in class. I know I have to master it. For the most part, considering it all.. I'm more patient than I lead myself to believe. Of course, only through retrospect do you see how patient you truly were. I think of past situations in my life, and I'm usually the more calm patient person of it, no matter who's involved. 

So patient, it has come across quite often as me not caring.. Why? Because I don't rush what's not in my control and take care of what I can... Because I decide to make use of the time I gotta wait, to get other shit done.. I didn't forget but until its ready I'm gonna grab a few stones [RIP birds]

I practice the patience in getting through the day knowing I'm not where I'm supposed to be, and getting there is a journey on its own.. But, realistically, I'm anxious, I don't want to wait.. I know what I want, I want it now. 

Now. 

Why not now?.. If not now, when? ...

Oh I gotta wait huh? .. 

Time will tell, I know I know.. 

I need the time to be on mine. At all times. 

I mean patience is definitely key in obtaining whatever you want. I'm aware of how life works.. For the most part.. I'm still learning but patience.. Definitely comes in handy..

I don't like to give up, to give up means I still want it.. So if I let go. I don't want it anymore. Whatever I want I make it so I get it, the problem with that.. Depending on what it is that I want, if I wait too long.. I don't want it anymore. Now I'm feeling like it wasn't meant to be.. No way I would have to wait this long if it wasn't just to realize I don't really want this. Because when you really want something, you don't care how long you been waiting.. You anticipated this... This really what you want. If you look up like nah I'm waiting too long, it's time to go. 

You in the wrong place.

Patient in the waiting room.

Think of patients in the waiting room.. If you haven't seen the irony in this scenario yet.. Lol 

Several patients are staring at their phones, reading magazines, others are minglings with other patients complaining about the wait, talking about a bunch of nothing (or those rare conversations with strangers that just blossoms from a simple acknowledgment from both of you) some are getting some work done, might as well since we're here.. 

After registration, you have to wait for the nurse.. 

Wait... 

The nurse checks you in, check your vitals.. the doctor will be with you shortly. 

More waiting. 

The doctor calls your name, gives you the run down, you good or no? 

Give it to me straight doc..

You leave with your held high if you're good, continuning your life as such.. let it be bad, you're feeling lower than dirt...  Ain't no sign of light (depending on your attitude).. you begin to wait for your demise. Even if you'll eventually get better.. You're not better now.

In life's waiting room.. You never know how good you're doing until the "doc" calls you in.. But ironically while you wait affects how good or bad you're doing.. Think of two patients, one is reading a book for deeper understanding of an unknown topic.. The other is sleeping.

Already the difference in how they choose to wait... Expanding your mind vs. Catching up on sleep. Regular battle among many.

The doctor calling Mr. Sleepy but after a third calling, he called the next person.. Mr. Bookworm?.. Now, not only is he more enlightened, he's closer to finishing his book and his wait is now cut short because the one waiting before him, wasn't ready. He was, now he can get on with his day with a little extra time.. 

We all love extra time.

Life is a waiting room, that regularly makes us wait for things and people.. But how we wait, determines if during the wait, did you waste your time.. Even when things are out of your control, you can always control how you react to it.. What you did while you were waiting? .. please dont let it be nothing. We choose how we wait.. choose wisely.. Be patience, but practice too.. Patience takes practice, practice makes perfect. 

Patience allows you to fill in blanks.. Life blanks where we don't know what's going on.. or what's awaiting ahead.. Patience allows you to accept life's way of making you wait.. You're gonna feel pain, suffering, tragedy.. It's truly life. At times where the wait is unbearable.. But patience will tell you, relax... This too shall pass. Sure enough it does, and if we're observant enough of the tragedy at hand, we can assure we don't feel that pain too often.. If at all.

Life man.. 

The people and things that it brings. we won't always see it coming, but we can't deny that it's here... Don't let now catch you off guard.. Now is all we have. End up like Mr. Sleepy now you gotta wait longer.. Now showed up, you was sleeping.

Stay sleep if you want. I like to be awake. 

Awake and aware. 

I'm aware I'm gaining more patience, but that's only cause I've been practicing.. I haven't seen the results I'm looking for yet.. But the fact I don't stop practicing tells me, I'm taking the wait better than I think.

I used to think I was wasting my time, and in some aspects I was right.. But in others I couldn't be more wrong..maybe I had to feel like I was wasting my time to really take my time.. Utilizing of MY time, my time in control.. I can't spin life clocks to what time I need it to be.. Lord knows I wish I could (do I really? Hm).. But I can't. So I gotta take my time, the little I get.. In the sense of what I can control for now and stretch it or shape it for the next time I gotta wait.. The wait is the perfect time to get to work.. You don't have anything else to do but wait.. Might as well do something progressive in the meantime.. 

Make that wait worthwhile.. 

All while perfecting your craft with practice and the patience to keep you going.

Shit real. 

In a Perfect World..

Lord knows....

Everything would run smoothly, and I can wake and bake every morning with fresh bud from my garden Mary.. And its no problem or hassle. The Perfect weather in a perfect world? It would never be toooo cold, or too hot.. Always just right. I'll never have to smell cigarettes ever again.. I could create everything my mind thinks of a reality as fast as I can think it. That would be cool.

In a perfect world, conversations won't ever be misled by vague indirect assumption fueled responses. Every word would be clear, offense would not exist because we all understand. Fear is a myth, no such thing as a lie.. In a perfect world. I would get my way all the time.. I love getting my way. Who doesn't? 

Appearances won't determine how smart people think you are, nor gender.. In my perfect world. Comprehension and common sense would go hand in hand. Everyone would be taken as serious as they take themselves. Respect and support will be common.. Hate at an all time low in my perfect world.. Great memories are common but aren't taken for granted..people as well

Sigh, in a perfect world.

Perfect is subjective (like basically everything is).. I think of my perfect world.. And how great it will be, I just have to create it, for me.

And I am..

Perfecting the details as I go along. 

Morals.

"You don't know what your morals are until you test them" I heard that somewhere, can't remember but it stuck with me.

I never been one to vocalize my morals, I couldn't even write out what I feel are ALL my morals, but I do know.. I have a very specific set of them. I realized how embedded they were in me, as each of them were tested. Ironically. 

I think about morals, how we all have them, and how they define us as people. I also think how morals are only as good as those who abide by them. So if you and I share a different set of morals, neither of us are wrong. We're living how we believe we should. People are more judging than understanding, we feel everyone should be like us, live like us.. But everyone is not us. We're all different. 

I'm very stubborn, I don't bend my morals for anyone.. For anything. Even in cases where it would be beneficial to tweak said moral for whatever reason, I don't. I just don't budge. 

Am I really stern or just a fool? 

I wonder that sometimes, I wonder this when I'm being tested, morals and all and I'm just like nope. Nope. I won't do it. Even if it leaves me in the dark.. Which it has in the past. But the thing about that is, I never stay in the dark too long anyway.. Maybe that's why I don't mind being left in the dark. The dark doesn't scare me. 

In times of desperation and struggle.. Morals can go out the window, I've witnessed this on many occasions. I, myself had an experience with that as well.. But when the dust settles, and reality is facing you.. Your morals are back, but the choices you made while they were gone, are still there. Now you feel like shit.. Or the shit hits the fan and you feel worse than shit.. You wonder where your mind was at, why your logic was clouded and who the fuck told your morals they had the day off? 

Was it worth it? Was belittling your character worth it? It never is. If you have to compromise who you are, what you believe in or stand for to move along in life, you devalue yourself, even if you did it for yourself.. You still have to deal with the consequences, whether its mental, physical, spiritual. Whatever. Either way, it's not worth it. 

People will try to convince you that your morals aren't that serious, that bending your "rules" is fine.. Nothing but a thing. You must keep in mind, their morals may differ from yours. Anything you don't feel comfortable doing, you shouldn't. Especially if you have a choice.

I live in NY, and out here morals are just as questionable as the presence of father figures around town.. Now morals are subjective, I can't belittle someone's morals because I don't favor them, it's their morals. But a lot of morals that the youth around me has and aren't shy about vocalizing, are very questionable, to me.

I don't observe to judge, I observe to understand. So I try to understand why certain morals exist now more than ever. I observe my surroundings, and my surroundings vary.. I like to explore different settings. And I notice a lot. I understand why some move the way they do, sca(red) of being hurt or used so they do the hurting and using.. I don't think that's the right way to go about it. But again, I can't tell others how to live. Those whose morals are based on preying on the hurt and weak... Smh. Then you have those that by any means they gonna get it how they live it. And depending on how they get it, it's not always the right way, to me ... But it's right to them. So who am I to say otherwise. 

I can say, that I am very aware of all the 'options' I can take advantage of, people as well.. But my morals, my character doesn't move like that. It really doesn't sit right with me. I've been called stupid on many occasions, "girl, the way you look, how people treat you.. You can have anything and everything you want, like that *snaps*" and it's like, really? You think so? Cause I don't. I don't like deceiving, I don't like to pretend. And although I'm VERY aware many like to deceive and pretend, it doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't change how I move, except how I avoid those types. 

"It doesn't matter how you get it, it's what you do with it.. That defines you" (Gavin from 666 park ave. loveee that show, even though I'm late) 

I really thought about it, does it really matter how you get it if you got it? If you know what to do with it, how you got it doesn't matter?... I really thought about it and picked it apart .. I guess it depends on what it is, no? It varies. Certain cases it might not matter how you got it, what you did with it matte(red) more. But some cases, how you got it is more important than what you did with it.. Especially if you're not too proud of how you got it, or not too proud of what you did with it... 

This where morals come in, that deciding factor. 

When considering 'IT'; You think of how to get it, and what to do with it. And you come up with your own way to go about it.. It should usually be something you're proud of. I don't believe in being ashamed in anything you do, if you know what you're doing. If you're doing what you want.. What's there to be ashamed of?  No matter how bad you want something, I'm pretty sure you can go about it your way without compromising your morals, it may take longer... The shortcuts are tempting and some moral bending, but the peace of mind in getting what you want, and staying true to yourself is euphoric. At least I like to think so.

I feel in todays era, my generation specifically many don't care how they come up as long as they do. That's fine.. For them, but for me the come up is just as important as me being up. When my story is told, I don't want to be ashamed of anything, and I don't want any holes poked in my story. I live my life to my standards, I do what I feel is right for me. No one else. Who I am, how I choose to live allows me to move with a little ease.. I know my intentions. Although my circumstances aren't what I want them to be, I don't feel the need to compromise who I am to get where I need to go. 

Moral of the story; stay true to yours. Their yours for a reason. Everything ain't for everybody.. Know yourself.  

Demons.

Do you ever think if you're a fucked up person? Or if you just do fucked up shit? Or do you just fuck up? All of the above? Or none applies? And if it does, who's truly responsible? 

You.

I mean if everything comes back around, and the good that comes to you happens from the good you do.. You pay for every bad you do? No? Any thing unfortunate that happens to you, gotta be result of some bad you did.. I guess the degree of your bad truly shows when it comes back.. Because its usually never what you think it is. You don't think, oh this is happening because of that specific time I did this when I knew I shouldn't (sin).. You practically repressed that memory, because now here you are, going through it and you're questioning all the reasons why this is happening, why do you deserve this, you're such a good person ... Like you've never done bad. And who's gonna remind you of it if no one knows of all the bad you've done? The only person who knows, you.

Lets talk about the bad, bad is subjective right? But we can all agree what we feel is bad, is bad to us. You can sit there and find all these different forms of justifications to prove why it's okay.. but if you consider it bad, you're wrong. And in acting through the wrong consciously, sub consciously the vibes are sent.. We're going to pay for that wrong one way or another... When it comes back around. 

That's just how I see it. 

Maybe because my zodiac sign is Gemini I've always had a fascination with twins, two whole halves .. Weird but so fucking intriguing. A set whether identical or not. In movies, I used to think the angel and devil were twins.. They always were minis of whoever body they were in. And somehow they completed this person.. I was too young to fully grasp what their roles signified.. But I caught on later on. 

We all have that angel and devil in us, they appear on our shoulders as if its a scale (mental note: scale.) and our mind decides the balance. 

You're given opportunity, a turn.. A space to move. You're gonna think several things .. Those are your choices, if you sort it, you place the choices you can do with this opportunity in two piles.. Your saint pile and your sinner pile. The good, the bad. The bad may sound good and the good may sound bad. Sometimes the sinner wins and sometimes the saint has its way.. 

If you're aware of how you move you won't have to think that far back.. As you go along you notice your repetitive nature in choices and life circumstances. 

You gotta dig real deep and find who is calling the shots, we all have more than one voice, they just all sound the same cause they sounds like us, they are us... It's weird. Basically, try screaming in your mind.... You can't.. You start to speak. The tone in your mind stays the same you can speed up how fast you think but the tone stays the same. So you gotta distinguish the language. (I really talk to myself alot.) 

I'm a very bright person, in many senses... But just as bright as I am, I'm just as dark. I'm not evil, but my dark side is definitely demonic.. But it's funny, we've all got demons.. Who you think suggests the bad thrill we guiltily indulge in? But I just have one. More than enough for me.

A demon also means forceful, fierce or skillful performer in a specified activity. And I see why, the demon is the aggressor while the angel is passive. But when passive can't get shit done, the aggressor isn't waiting for shit to come around... The aggressor go and get it, even if by force. 

Why is that bad? Of course after phrasing it like that, it doesn't seem so bad.. But rarely is it ever phrased like that, if ever. It's bad because whatever we're 'not supposed to do' is forbidden, labeled taboo by us or by outsiders.. So the demons come to play .. In a way to shake us up and get us going.. The angel keeps us calm, but sometimes we have to panic, we gotta be alert and level headed while in motion, and demons like to move fast. 

Some get carried away, some run from it. But either one is equally bad. 

Getting carried away is like a drug.. We all want that thrill, and sometimes that thrill is better than we've imagined, we don't want to let go.. We dive deeper into the thrill and become dependent to the point where we go to extreme lengths to avoid going without it. No matter what the thrill is, that dependency isn't healthy. You dig yourself so deep, you can't even breathe, you suffocate and adapt to this air that without we feel like a drug addict, going through withdrawals, mind all fucked up, it's reflecting in your life. You don't even see it. You're too busy holding on to that thrill ... And running isn't any better. You live your life in fear of .. You really. You can't run from you, but you so sca(red) to see that you just keep running. Running because you sca(red) of your demons.. You sca(red) to see who you really are, what you really want.. And that's scary, not even the angel can make you feel complete, shit you probably don't feel the angel exist if you sca(red) to acknowledge the demon. Why live life like that? 

Some people are naturally evil, they can't help it. Are they bad people, to the core, maybe .. Yeah... But somebody gotta play that role, and that's what's in them. We would love the world to be pure and we would love for all of us to be pure and genuine, in a sense we are .. Just not everyone is as accepting when it doesn't resonate with what they consider pure and genuine.

That's hypocritical of society.. But whatever.

I don't think I'm a fucked up person, nor do I do fucked up shit.. Sometimes I just fuck up. I always bounce back like round ball.. The difference between my demon and my angel, is that the demon holds the rage and fire, the urgency and sometimes diabolical thoughts.. The angel holds the patience and calm cool aura.. Positive thoughts come from her. But I need both of them to get through. One without the other makes me feel empty. As if I can't be completely good or completely bad, I have to have a balance.. Idk if its for my sanity, deeper psychological reasons or I'm just genuinely programmed like this. 

So when unfortunate things happen to me, I pout a little but I suck it up and keep working, I might grumble a bit.. But I know this is just the price I have to pay for something bad I've done.. Once time is served I can receive my blessings from the good I've done. We pay for everything in some way shape or form.. We may never know how or when we're gonna pay for it, but as long as you're aware you're gonna pay.. The unfortunate things life throw our way doesn't seem to stress us as much as it would if we reacted like we're too pure to receive such injustice. 

It's life... Sometimes we pay for things that aren't even for us.. But we still have to push it through.. Grow through it and be conscious of how we move. Things are put in front of us for a few reasons, to see how you gonna act, or how everyone else around you gonna act, or sometimes both. You go through a lot of things in life. It doesn't stop, I've noticed that. And even the bad.. Reveals good.. Just like how good reveal bad.. You see how they're both needed. Certain things you won't see when you're up, you gotta come down to see it and vice versa.. Even if you go through the same things, it never happens the same way twice. My demon taught me that. 

I don't play victim. I can't. I'm accountable for the bad just as much as the good in my life, the only difference is I don't really include others in my bad.. I'll share my good, never my bad.. It's my bad not yours. You're paying for your own shit. You don't need mine. But the good, I mean who doesn't want to feel good? That's why I guess I embrace my bad, real tight even when it hurts.. the good always feel so much better.

Cycle.

I hate to sound repetitive, unless I'm tryna remember something. Those are alarms.. 

But I noticed not only do certain things sound repetitive, they feel and seem repetitive as well. These cycles of repetition in certain aspects do not stop repeating themselves, unless their broken. It doesn't even have to sound the same.. But it always feels the same. The circumstances may differ, the people and dialogue as well.. But the repetitive feeling cycle is the same... Something is wrong. Right? Depending on the feeling. 

I was analyzing myself as I had my body on autopilot, I thought about how different circumstances are now yet, the same repetitive feelings in certain aspects are reoccurring, I know what stage I'm in.. I'm familiar with this feeling. I know what's next.. But as I decoded this particular cycle, I drifted towards the other cycles in my life.. How content am I with these cycles, which ones I need to break and which I need to reinforce and make sure I continue to repeat?.... 

Then I realized, there's also cycles I need to start. I've been gradually doing so, but there's more things that I would like to repeat and get into a decent cycle. 

It's all in the motion. Take enough baby steps, eventually you're walking. 

See the thing about cycles they always come back around, so as long as the good outweighs the bad, I can deal with the bad with much better ease. For every up there's a down, if the up is worth the down.. Suck it up until it goes back around. It's simple.  

I'm very calm.. Even at times when I should "over react" .. But I keep note of everything and in reinforcing the more positive cycles, the ones that seem to trouble me will be a thing of the past soon enough. One thing I took from Russell Simmons was "treat the inevitable highs and lows with the same calm manner". I'm already calm, but mastering how to remain calm during the lows has really kept me sane in situations where I would've lost my mind. If I didn't over react before, I definitely don't over react now.

It's funny bc my calm character definitely allows me to foresee certain things, and that's always beneficial. 

I just keep calm and stick to the plan. 

The cycle continues, and as one ends, another begins..  The never ending circle of life. 

Shit real.

Spooky.

Hey October.. 2 months left of 2013. 

Shit is real. 

The leaves are falling..

Certainly going to be a very interesting month.. Set my monthly goals and even got a head start yesterday which is always good.

It's always a spooky feeling that comes over me in those moments, I finally realize what certain vibes meant, after I've felt them and acted without knowing mentally why; pure instinctual action. Like my mind doesn't question my body, cause my body knows why.. My mind hasn't gotten the written memo, my body got the vibe memo. It's weird. But I really pick up vibes, I never ignore them.. they don't lie, they often say more than the verbal conversation between people. 

I realize everyday how much of who I am, is really who I've always been.. I just understand myself better as I go along. I know why I do what I do, I know why I don't do what I don't. Even if I'm not consciously aware at the moment, It all comes to me in due time. I never been one to fight how I feel, I may not always vocalize it as its happening.. I like to vocalize my emotions once I make sense of them, but in my actions, I act on it. I will always show how I feel.. How you interpret it is none of my business, not my concern. I don't act on my vibes for a response, if I don't like the vibes, I'll get ghost. No seriously, ghost.. I won't say I'm leaving. I never told anyone I was leaving.. I don't like to announce my departure, I just fade into the background without making a sound.. Some people won't let you leave, not cause they want you there, but because they don't want to get left.. So they'll try to sway you into staying, while they plot their escape.. I don't have time for that. 

I don't have time for alot of things and people, so I remain secluded in a sense. Some I don't have time for because they just aren't worth the time, some because the time they deserve, I can't provide.. I'm on a different time than many of those around me, some understand, some don't. Those that don't will soon enough and if not. Not really my problem. 

As much as I would love to believe everyone is about their word, it's just not realistic.. But vibes, oh sweet old reliable vibes, will never lie to you. Even if your mind can't grasp what's going on just yet, let your body guide you. You truly know. You'll make sense of it later. People will say one thing, body language say something else, which do you trust? The body doesn't lie ... Just know that. 

Spooky shit going on, but I'm keeping calm as always.. Listening to my vibes as well as others.. Actions reveal all. 

Shit real.

I can't wait for Halloween, btw. ^_^