Maybe because I really felt the shift from perfect warm weather to the cold breeze.
Got me thinking of how cold I was.. And how long I feel it takes to warm me up .. And how close you can get but I can still be cold. Too cold to touch. And how I only can open up when that fire is lit, and lighting it is another story..
Then I think how sad it is to be cold, I never realized it before. I was so caught up in me, I didn't bother to notice how the cold rubs off on others.. Theres none colder than me. Why was I cold? Maybe I thought I was too cool .. I say was, but I still feel I have cold ways about me. I'm real distant and I like people at a distant on more levels than just physical distance.. Maybe it's for precautionary purposes, but can you blame me? I mean if you knew what I've seen.. I doubt it.
It's a cold world out here.
Gets you thinking of what I've seen no? I know and I still wonder what others have seen.. And how what they've seen in some way shaped who they are today. And it's all makes sense in a weird way. If you know, which most of us might never... But if you pick up on the vibes and signs of people, the quicker you do the quicker you can decide to turn cold or warm up.
I always think I can't fully shake off my coldness off cause I am cool. so cool it comes off as cold to some but I just be chilling.. I'm not easily excited. I don't like to pretend either to ease people's insecurities nerves.
People love warming up to me, I think some just wanna feel cold because no matter how cold I could be towards them, they refuse to let go. Some people remind me of my little brothers dog, Precious. She constantly shows me "love" and I always reject her, she never lets that stop her.. She continues to pry and force herself into my personal space and she's always smiling lmao it's crazy. And it's not that I hate her, I don't. But I really dislike for my attention to be demanded and forced into your focus. Leave me alone. Wtf. She's mad annoying. And I know alot of people like that. Now that probably makes me sound extremely cold. (Gee what a bitch, the poor dog just wants love) Understand, I have a different way of accepting and giving love and attention.. My own way. On my own time.
If you can't accept me, I become cold. Go away. Those who decide to linger around hoping they can mold me into what they want are only wasting their time.. I can't be anything other than me. And you don't decide who that is. You don't get a say. That's that. Cold shoulder always valid in these cases.
But in the cold case of my life, I'm guilty of being selfish.. I am cold and disconnected but when I want to feel warmth then I soften up, then I don't mind.. 'Ooh now you don't mind? Now you want to be bothe(red)? Fuck outta here. Who you think you are?' Lol yeah I know. It's hypocritical of me. But I just know I need more me time than most. And the fact that many don't understand that proves that I'm right. If they did, my coldness wouldn't be an issue.. It wouldn't be called coldness then, it'll be called "wanting to be left alone" .. Sigh, in a perfect world.
But in the real world, the world cold, but we don't have to be. We feel we do because we're trying to blend in with our surroundings for our protection, don't want to stand out too soon depending on the scene.. Or maybe that's just me. In a cold world, there's such thing as bad attention.. Can't warm up to everybody. Some will burn you out.
I'm cold, but my body so warm.. It's really weird. Maybe one day the warmth of my skin will sink into my soul.. And I'll be warm permanently.. And not live life like a fireplace... I mean sure it's fun igniting fires but what happens if the fire needs fuel and there's no valid fuel around then what? Back to the old cold? I don't like to feel cold. My cold ways may say otherwise. I never mean no harm, but the icy stares and cold shoulders I've been hit with on a few occasions told me I never wanna grow old and cold. I've seen the cold elderly version of what could be.. And I don't like it.
I like warmth. I like the feeling but too much of it makes me too hot.. And too hot makes me feel bothe(red) and smothe(red).. I'm fake complex, I need a balance. Blah.
As the days progress, I'll be right behind it... As long as I'm aware no? I know everything in due time and eventually I'll be completely warm all over, when it's meant to happen.. I just have to continue working on me along with everything else. Stay alert of the progressing process as well.
Shit real.
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