Shit real.

I realized why I don't consider going back to school, life is my school. I honestly learn more outside of a classroom than inside one. And as I live my life, I am consistently learning new things and receiving reassurance from outsiders that I'm not as crazy (negative tone) as I think I am. And they don't even know it. 

It's truly an amazing feeling to know you're appreciated and valued by your friends.. To hear from their own mouths, seeing that look in their eyes, purely genuine just makes my heart melt and my eyes tear up every time. Seriously. I value my friends, I don't call many my friends.. So for my friends to vocalize how much I mean to them as a person, let alone a friend is just amazing. On top of that, to know people take what I say and really reflect on it even after I've said it is just so fucking ill to me. To spend time, thinking and breaking down what I've said in your mind and applying it to yourself is way more than what I can ask for. I've been feeling really special lately.. I mean I always think I'm special but I've been feeling this a little more intense due to the fact that other people have been making me feel this way... Usually it's just me. Lol but anyway.. 

I feeel good though. Like really good. Life isn't exactly a walk in the park, more like a jog with a heavy tire on my shoulders but I'm not letting that stop me. I do feel good and I refuse to let certain things upset my vibe. Everything will and has been taking care of itself, one way or another.. Sooner than later. I just keep calm, stay blissful and focused. I just have to remember to remember certain things.. Continue to push myself further.. Cause it don't stop. I won't stop. Little by little I see things playing out in my favor.. I just don't want to force it but I can force myself to stay alert and moving. Maneuvering through life with my head on straight. No distractions. 

Later on today, I'm gonna be in my very first poetry slam. 25 participants, 3 rounds. I am excited, I hope I win but if I don't I'm just gonna be happy to have been apart of it. I'm anxious though. :) 

Oh hey.

So I was looking at my views, and I'm surprised alot of views are scatte(red) throughout the world .. Even when just one person from another country views my blog, I'm ecstatic. That's so cool to me. I'm from the USA, New York City if I'm being specific. I don't know if any of you readers were wondering.. It's really ill to me how people in countries I can't wait to visit, somehow some way stumbled on my page.. I wonder if its translated.. Hmmm 

Anywho I was thinking, if anybody ever had a question about a post, wanted some form of advice or wanted further elaboration on anything, they have no way to contact me and not everyone who reads this blog has a blogger account to leave a comment. If you ever wanted to reach out to me about something. Feel free to email me;

iMelodramatic2@gmail.com

I'll do my best to respond in a timely fashion and be as helpful as I can. 

^_^ 

Crazy.

Sometimes I feel like I am. I mean what is crazy? Mentally deranged or extremely enthusiastic.. Which is pretty funny to me, how it means two complete different things. English man.. Lol. I feel I'm crazy in a positive way, not in the negative tone most use when they are confused by how different you are from them.. I'll share thoughts, make a comment, crack a joke and 80% of time I'll get called crazy in the process. And I'm always serious. Lol 

I'm controlled crazy. If anyone tries to call me crazy and I know it's in a negative tone I'll deny it. But I am crazy. And I'm in control of my crazy. So how crazy am I? Enough to know I have to keep it tamed majority of time. Sometimes I count to 10 as many times as I need to when I feel like doing anything that will come off as crazy. I know that I'm crazy because I don't need anger to fuel it. It's kinda scary, I'm always so calm but my thoughts oh lord. 

One time I was in a cyph and I was sitting on a bed, a friend of mine was sitting underneath me (the bed was high enough) I'm dangling my legs and I thought it'd be hilarious if I kicked the shit out of him.. He wouldn't have saw it coming and everyone would be so stunned. The thought alone cracked me the fuck up. Calm down, I didn't kick him. My self control said 'bitch, chill he's not gonna find this funny with a bloody face.' Even I thought the thought was crazy, humorous (I have a sick sense of humor) but crazy nonetheless.. But it crossed my mind anyway. I used to do dumb shit as a kid like pretend to cry for my mom in the supermarket.. Yet I went alone. That's crazy.. I mean it's fun for me but people don't do that everyday. I'm still secretly dying to pretend to catch a seizure or heart attack in public but my restraint won't let me. :(  

I don't show my crazy too often, because I already kinda scare people with my unique personality.. Like I said before I don't think people can handle me, in my entirety.. They can barely handle what I give them, imagine I show crazy Crissy? Ha! They wouldn't know what to do like a geek losing his virginity. I really don't play though, I joke around alot but I don't play... My mind always concocting these outlandish ideas and half I act on, the other half too crazy. I save those for when the world becomes ready. 

Sometimes, you have to get crazy for people to take you seriously. I'm calm, cool collective.. But I can switch to the crazy, wild, assertive combo at the flick of a switch.. Or as soon as I feel funny shit going down. I never been a push over. And I've maste(red) the art of knowing how much crazy to give. You can't go over board, or Bellevue you go. You gotta do it in doses, strong enough to leave an effect, not enough to kill. It's a thin line between standing your ground and looking like a fool, ranting and raving about nothing. The fact that I'm so calm scares some.. They never know what I'm up too or they sense that my calm like aura is a result of strong self discipline.. Self discipline that I've taught myself due to my fear of losing control of my crazy. That won't ever be a pretty sight. Ever.

I'm passionate as fuck though, and as I get older I'm learning its okay to show my crazy when it matters.. Especially when it comes to proving a point. I'll go to extreme lengths to prove a point.. call me crazy. I mean after all, that's just what they call you when they can't understand you. And I'm constantly misunderstood.. Thank god I understand myself. Results of talking to myself.. I've gotten caught plenty of times muttering to myself.. But I get me so well, why wouldn't I speak to me? I think the craziest people are those that don't speak to themselves. 

It's crazy, I'm up.. Thinking of everything I normally think about and I don't like to share these thoughts because people will look at me like I'm completely crazy or a complete genius but in reality, what's the difference .. Semantics. Those who get called crazy and never see the inside of a white padded rooms are the same ones getting called geniuses after they've left their mark. Only after they've left their mark. Before they were just crazy... Funny. 

Everybody calling me crazy now.. But it'll be soon before long until they all see, they're the crazy ones, for even doubting me in the first place.. But I forgive them in advance, I'm crazy like that. 

Edge.

You ever put yourself on the edge? The very edge? .. visually think of standing at the edge of the platform, as you await the train, or the rooftop edge of a building with 64 floors? either way its an edge. the height beneath your feet in either edge can harm you, one just way more extreme. 

How often do you do this, putting yourself on the edge.. if often at all? 

Do you prefer higher edges? Or lower safer ones? Does it even matter? 

Is it for the feeling, a thrill, a rush of fear and uncertainty? Or just to see if you can keep your balance, or your sanity (metaphorically)? Depending on the circumstances, of course.. It will vary. 

I asked myself these questions, I fully believe our life is what we make it.. Our problems are often self created, because we VIEW it as a problem.. We've all heard more than once that something we viewed as a problem wasn't really that serious (usually followed by THERE'S KIDS STARVING IN AFRICA, WE ALL GOT PROBLEMS) blah blah. But it's true we all do have problems; we can't control what crosses our path, but how we handle it, is on us... So back to the edge. 

I think about how I handle things and I realized, I push the envelope alot. I do it subconsciously.. I'm gonna try to explain it best way I can, I put myself on the edge when I don't have to.. And I don't know exactly why.. With situations and people. I don't know, testing limits gives me a sick thrill, not only am I testing limits with people and situations but also myself, how I react to situations and people.. Especially now more than ever. Being that I'm only getting older and everything is a new experience all around. Not to mention, I'm probably being tested to, if not by you.. then a higher power, either way I gotta be on edge, sharp knife edge. It's actually more comfortable to me on the edge.. Something about playing it safe that makes me uncomfortable.. Maybe because playing it safe, never gets you anywhere. 

I don't push people's limit to taunt them or clown them or anything of that matter.. shit in some scenarios I may look like the clown, jokes on me for pushing the wrong envelope. It's life, it's possible. (I think that's gonna be my new motto lol) I only push others and situations for my own sick pleasure. It's funny, as much as I want to know everything. The unknown gives me a thrill... Well discovering the unknown. Peeling and picking past the paste that seals whatever envelope falls in my lap that I may find interesting. 

My little sister told me, I put people on edge, and it always looks like I get a kick out of it.. I asked her how do I exactly put people on edge? "How you talk, you bring up things people don't normally want to discuss with such ease.. It makes them edgy, nervous." Thought that was interesting, yet my edge doesn't make me so nervous.. if anything it keeps me at ease.. More often than not. Something about light dose of chaos that keeps my nerves calm. It's weird, I know.

Does putting myself on the edge work in my favor? .. Depends on why I'm at the edge.. I think more often than not, it's to see if I could keep my balance.. To test my sanity by testing my faith I guess.. The wrong wind on that edge, and it's a wrap for me. But even knowing that, I still stand on that edge, posture like an eagle.. I know when not to put myself on the edge, fake play it safe .. But that comes with being intuitive. Knowing when my balance is off.. Knowing when to fall back. Relax and let mother universe play her role. 

I'm always on edge mentally though, I guess that's why I subconsciously provoke others and myself.. Maybe so I don't feel alone on the edge, I like to stand and stare up.. Instead of down, I mean I occasionally look down just to remind myself how high up I am, but looking up.. That's the thrill. That's the fun part.. No matter how high up you are, it gets higher. So why not sit at the edge and put things into perspective while maintaining your balance? Great practice don't you think? 

Mental.

That's all it comes down to. 

Your mental state .. Your mentality. 

Fuck your looks,

Fuck your circumstances,

Fuck everything that's not mental. 

People can argue with you about how much looks matter, or how people are just placed in these amazing|horrible circumstances but all that is bullshit. It comes down to your mind frame ultimately. Your mind frame is what separates you or groups you with others. 

Your mind frame is everything you are; how you view things, how you view them determines how you feel, and how you feel determines how you act. Your mind frame is what pushes you forward or holds you back. And your mind frame is the only thing that allows you or prevents you from seeing that. Real shit. 

I have alte(red) my mindset to better work for me, sure it took time but its evolved (still evolving) nonetheless. Not to mention, I wasn't closed minded to begin with. So I'm assuming its twice as hard for close minded individuals.. But again, it's mind over matter. 

Everything in life is as hard or as easy as you make it mentally. It's crazy, you could be sca(red) as fuck about something .. And psyche yourself out. But when it goes down, you laugh at the fact it wasn't nearly as scary as YOU MADE IT OUT TO BE IN YOUR MIND. funny isn't it? We've all had those moments. Or when you're mentally preparing yourself for something, and you take over, no doubts, just pure action. Your mentality allowed you to do so. You can do anything you put your mind to, and if you don't believe that. You're a fool. Literally, ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO, fully put your mind to, YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT. 

A positive mentality knows it has no limit, no boundaries.. And is pushed everyday. Sees the beauty in everything and is yearning to expand. A negative mentality is always, negative. cages itself in, too weak to see the strength in the mind, the power that lies inside you, some weak individuals feel the power but are frightened by this. Don't know what to do with it, don't know how to handle it.

Mentally, alot of people aren't sharp.. They're not on point. They believe life circumstances are the reasons for the way their life is turning out when in reality, it's them. Mentally, they have not fully grasped the simple idea that YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE. Mentally they're still blaming others for what they lack, when in reality they haven't made the most of what they have to get more.. Mentally, they're playing checkers, jumping all around the board.. When in reality, it's chess.. Strategic moves and critical thinking. It's always chess. But mentally people can barely play checkers, let alone chess. 

We supposedly use 10% of our brains which is fucking pathetic if you ask me.. How is it we as humans have advanced everything else around us except for the percentage amount of brain cells we use? That's crazy to me. I try to exercise my mind quite frequently, pushing myself mentally, to figure things out. Anything that keeps my mind flowing. Just to keep it sharp. One thing I will never do is take my mind for granted. Sure sometimes, i wish I could turn my mind off for a second but my mentality is what keeps me going. It is the very core of my mind frame that knows how vital it is to keep my mind spinning, to make sure I'm always on point mentally. My mind frame is the type that takes something from everything my eyes or ears capture, makes shit works and find out why things aren't working.. Isn't phased by obstacles or things not working out in its favor, knows what it's worth and won't stop til it gets everything it deserves. That's my mindset. Once I set my mind on something, there's not anything anyone can do about it. Except me, I can do something about it. And I do what I always do, continue to expand it. 

Everyone should have their own mindset. A mindset that works for them specifically, not someone else's mindset they just happened to admire and hope to emulate their wonderful life by adapting to their mind frame. That will never work for you the way it works for someone else. Your life is custom for you, so should your mindset; your own set of morals, goals, thoughts, views etc. and your mindset should help you progress as a person instead of holding you back, if your mindset is holding you back from prospering.. Change your mindset. It's okay. It's yours. If it's not working in your favor, change it.. Alter it so that it does. Be honest with yourself. Some are sca(red) of being honest with themselves because they fear to face that reality of realizing your mind frame is the reason you're not prospering. And it's okay.. It is okay if it's your mindset holding you back, as long as you change it when you realize that's your biggest setback.. Ignoring it for the sake of being stubborn and not wanting to change is just dumb. You're smarter than that. I mean, if your mindset the ONLY thing holding you back? Don't play yourself, change it for the better.. you'll only hurt yourself more than you've already have continuing with this fucked up mindset. The beauty of the mind is we can change it just by altering our thoughts... It is that easy, if you want it to be. 

I don't argue. Arguing with people is just battle of the mindsets, the more you try to force your point, the more the opposing mind rejects it, closing up in the process. Never try to force an opinion or a point.. State your case and let the people decide. Giving people that mental space to figure out and fully register what you've said is key in getting a point across especially when dealing with people with strong mindsets. Just because its a strong mindset doesn't mean it's right. People tend to feel if they stick strongly by what they know, it makes what they know right, and it doesn't. 

There's a way to stick to what you know, but also be accepting of new information; not necessarily changing your opinion or view, but accepting that there's more than one way to look at something. That's the proper mindset. The ability to separate what you know, from what you've learned, from what you feel is very vital.. Well at least my mind seems to think so. You can get so much farther once you've realized that ability. You can articulate your views, debate opinions in a respectable manner and learn something new in the process. And that's just beautiful. That's your mind in motion. And if you're like me who makes every conversation count for something no matter how minuscule the conversation is, your mind grows from it. 

That's all it's really about. Growing. Our bodies will age, our circumstances will change, but never let your mind stay the same. I've witnessed people grow old and life has taken its toll on them, their circumstances changed (not always for the better) but their minds didn't. Because their minds stay the same, they never got nowhere.. Nowhere near where they wanted to be. All because they were so stuck in their ways, their mental ways. See the mind more powerful than one thinks, if you don't know how powerful your mind is, your mind has full power over you.

Who's in control, you or your mind? Who's stronger, you or your mind? 

I wish you the strength to control your mind if you have no strength or control over it. 

Get your mind right, while there's time left.