Shit real.

It's been real interesting lately, I mean to be fair.. I find alot of things interesting, even if I don't pay it any mind if that makes sense.. But the things I do pay mind to have been really making its presence felt in my life.

First things first, I really believe someone (I believe its my uncle may his soul continue to rest in peace) is watching over me. I always thought this, but continuous visible proof keeps popping up.

Secondly, certain things have been playing themselves out.. In a way that makes me feel Mother Universe is by my side. cosigning the choices I made in the past and present based off intuition and strategic planning while pacing myself leaping over hurdles, clearly they're the right choices. I'm being patient, more patient than I let on..
"Though you see when you're wrong, you know you can't always see when you're right.. You're right." —Mr. Joel knew what the fuck he was talking about.

Just listen to Vienna by Billy Joel.. If you're feeling any type of way about life and your choices, beginning to end this is a perfect song. Really listen to the words, and feel free to look up the meaning of Vienna, what Billy Joel was referring to while you at it.

Shit is deep. God I love music.
Anywho,
Idk why we as humans, the half of us who aren't in denial.. Still doubt things and people we know we're right about what we feel or think, despite the fact we don't see it. Why is it only after we see do we believe? Even the eyes play tricks on us. What determines the reality of things|people is how we process it after we see, we're processing what we see as real.. Even if its not like that (everything isn't always what it seems) but what about when it is everything it seems, what about if we haven't seen it yet, but we feel it? Is that not real? We don't see our soul.. But we know its there.. I feel mine, don't you feel yours? You can't see certain things before they play out but we feel it coming, good or bad. What we feel is real, what we see is just a reflection of what we feel.. And that's as real as it gets. That's why perception varies, because feelings do. That's why reality is perception and no matter what, we're right. Either way you put it.

The signs are guiding you, whether you choose to follow them is on you. The signs aren't always clear nor are they always delive(red) through our prefer(red) messenger but we shouldn't disregard the message. The signs we called for upon ourselves. People ask for signs all the time, but never see them.. Why? They don't think it's real. Even if they feel it is, their eyes tells them it's not and they gotta see to believe it; yet when they see it they still don't believe it.. "Too good to be true", "this not the sign I'm looking for".. It's not, but it's the sign you needed. All in waiting for the right sign you missing them because you can't recognize them beyond what you perceive to be real... It's way over your head and you missed it, you were aiming too low and never thought twice about looking up despite that nagging suspicion in your gut telling you to do so.

All I see is signs. Everything, and I mean every thing is a fucking sign to me. I just connect these mental dots with all the signs I see in things, people, conversations, locations, animals, everything. Everything connect. Stop concerning yourself with others and their connections and focus on your own. Make sure you in tuned and well connected with yourself so you don't miss the signs, so you don't miss your opportunity to realize everything you ever dreamed of.. Because it is real. Shit is fucking real. Real is what you make it. Real is how you feel. And despite the fact that you may not see it.. YET. Doesn't mean it's never going to be real. It will. As long as you FEEEL it is.

As long as you know who you are and what you stand for, where you from and where you going.. All while smelling the flowers right in front of your face as you enjoy a beautiful day, you will be fine. You don't have to worry so much. You don't HAVE to stress, that misconception that you have to stress things you want to get them is so annoying. Its not needed to succeed. Stress is a choice, stress is negativity. Stress is not needed. Motivation is. That's positivity in motion. Keeps you going, stress slows you down. I don't stress. Thankfully I've stopped indulging in that a long time ago.. Yeah, I may get overwhelmed, but in times like that I just pull out my reminders and I feel so much better. Reminding me what I know is real, what I feel is real disregarding that with eyes open I can't see it all yet.. But with eyes shut, I see it all. And that's enough to keep me going.

Shit just gonna get realer.

"The soul is remarkable. It knows and feels everything you've yet to physically encounter." — @aliensauce [via twitter]

Venting?

Testing.. 1, 2 testing.
Can anybody hearrrrr meeee???
(No but you can read lol)
A lot of things have been secretly irking me. Not to the point where I'm consumed with these things but irked because it keeps getting brought up.

I hate explaining myself to people. I am aware that kinda sounds like a contradiction, but I explain points, views, experiences, thoughts even.. I don't explain me. I don't give people the run down on why I do whatever it is I chose to do.
Why? Because one, its none of your fucking business and two, whether or not I actually decide to put you on to what I'm doing.. Doesn't mean you have a say, just means you're meant to know because it may involve you or whatever. I'm going to do what I want regardless. Three. It's too much to say, I don't do anything for no reason. There's a purpose for everything.. And I feel I have to move accordingly to ensure the plan stays on track. it's just ... I just rather avoid it. I'm doing me. And that's all you need to know.

I hate that people feel they have to be involved in every single aspect of your life and as soon as they aren't, they become emotional.. And claim you're changing or trying to be something you're not. How do you know all that I am? Shit I'm still not even sure and I know my thoughts. You don't. Why is that people feel the need to push their insecurities on you, the ones that get defensive that you're pushing them to the back burner as they say.. Why would you automatically make this about you? Why isn't your first thought damn she really trying to make shit happen, even if you don't know.. Clearly if I'm "too busy" you shouldn't think I'm trying to blow you off, what does that say about what you think of me? What does that say of you, who tolerates a person like that around you? Why can't I be trying to get my life in a order that makes me happy? Why as someone who claims to care, not see I'm not happy where I'm at, not see all that I want, and not want me to go get that for myself? I don't get that.
You must not know me as well as you claim.

And this is why people get cut off, first of all. You don't know anybody better than they know themselves. I hate that saying. You may know them well, but trust unless they're living in denial you don't know them better than them. And the fucking audacity of you, to think you have these almighty spidey senses that allows you to know someone better than themselves is just crazy; ironically people who have this "I know the REAL you" type always underestimates the true potential of whoever it is. And that's because they put a limit. And there is none. They put their own limit on you, based on what they've seen, and what they think of you. They created your maximum potential in their eyes. And nine times out of ten, you already hit that potential. Ain't getting no bigger than that... Don't you even fucking try it. The moment you do, get ready to be accused of changing, and getting a big head.. You so full of yourself.. You being anything they didn't imagine for you, let alone themselves, is hard to digest.. And these people are so fucking bitter .. They have bitter oozing from their pores.. Taste buds bitter so that bitter taste as they have to digest you growing out of the box they felt they custom made for you is so hard to swallow.. They tend to act like a child drinking that horrible medicine during a cold... Before all the cool flavors came out (sigh these generations so lucky). tantrums and shows, no sense of self control at this point. They dig their own grave every time.. When you're negative only one way to go.. And that's down. And I'll cut those links before I sink too.

And why is everything always negative first .. Before positive thoughts. You hear something bad happened, you think the worst. And then, oh god forbid (does the cross across chest) and pray for better. Why if someone seems like they genuinely wants to be better in life, people think they're full of shit? Why everybody gotta be faking it? Just cause you are? Just because you wake up and have to paint a smile on your face because painting is way easier than facing your problems.. Well guess what, not everyone wants to pretend, some people happiness shows as soon as they start making that effort to be better. People are so consumed with trying to give off the illusion that they're happy that they're fucking miserable. They're rotting in this hell trap they're corne(red) themselves into and they just have to smile when the lights are on.

Well I'm not one of those people. I don't give a fuck what people assume of me, so much to the point I don't bother to correct their assumptions of me. Like I said I don't have to explain myself to anyone. You don't like how I move, bye. No love lost. Don't even think about coming back.. Have a nice life though. :) I've been told I'm cruel. But seriously, it's life. I don't have time to sit here and try to convince you of who I am and why the way I live is right, I'm not.. It's right for me. I'm gonna do what I have to do to make myself happy. That's why I consult with me. That's why not too many people know me, know me. Most of what they know is hearsay.. I intend to keep it that way.

People don't care, they just care to know. So I just don't care to tell them.. I'm either gonna get advice I don't need nor asked for or more questions... Or even worse, both.


Please no questions. I know what I'm doing.

Visuals pt. 2

I remember my first meeting with her..

Once I started officially smoking weed, i was introduced to this secret world of everything marijuana related.. Like shit you never even thought of, because you never got high. But it's like once you're high you find someone who has thought of whatever you're thinking. Anywho, I was talking to a friend and discussing ways to get in tuned. My friend suggested her .. told me get high before seeing her. Funny thing is I knew her but I never knew of her doing this.. Ha, Nobody knows nobody.

I get high and go to meet her.
Admiring her office..
— I heard you the woman to come to when shit get real
"so I've heard, what can I help you with"

We sized each other up a little bit, in a respectable manner, but we're females nonetheless. She offers me a seat on her cream puff couch, and tells me to get comfortable. I take her up on her offer I'm high anyway. She's beautiful, I give her that. Graceful even. She has this calm thing going, as if she's not even trying.. Like she doesn't have to. Any effort would make her appear over the top. Lucky her, she could probably get any man she wanted.. I wonde(red) if she had one.. What kinda guys she was into, if we had the same taste.. I wonde(red) what she thought of me.
"Talk to me" — what you wanna know?
"Whatever you want to tell me"

And that's how it began, I would just tell her things, ask her things.. observe, watch her reactions.. Sometimes I would yank her leg but she always knew, always a step ahead that one. Nonetheless, I grew. Speaking to her, I got bigger and better. The possibilities seemed endless.

I asked her, why was she so open about her smoking and her unorthodox method of psycho-cyphing as she calls it. She smiled, she likes questions like that (I would later realize this and abuse that due to my inquisitive nature)

"Why do you think marijuana is illegal?
— idk, it's a "drug" (finger air quotes) I suppose.
"No because its exposes you to the truth, the true you and everyone around you, that scares people.. And what scares people becomes illegal"
– you think so?
"Yeah, I feel you can be aware of things to an extent but when your eyes get glossy, ironically everything seems clearer. You're more in tuned, with you and everyone around you. If you're paranoid, you're running from something and the truth of what you're running from surrounds you; and the marijuana makes you aware of this.. I've noticed this over time throughout many individuals, including myself. Alcohol forces you to speak the truth, weed forces you to see the truth. People try so hard to keep up this mirage but alcohol makes them tell on themselves, weed makes them show themselves.. That's why I like to use those variables in my sessions.. My only goal is to help you. People are offended at the thought of someone helping them sort out their thoughts and feelings, like they can't control their own emotions or life.. I try to ease that. Make them feel more comfortable. Allow them to show themselves without fear of me abusing it like others in their past have"
— don't you ever get addicts?
"Moderation, honey.. That's the key to life."

That always stuck with me... Maybe that's her signature speech to reel in new cilents but I was sold. I really felt this comfort of safety and stability, feeling free to speak my mind and not FEEL judged was awesome.. I mean of course, she probably judged me, isn't that her job? To judge whether I'm sane or not but she never made me feel that way, that's all I needed.

"I mean yeah, it all depends on who you are" ..
— what you mean?
"You know if you need the courage to run from something or into something.. That's why people use these substances, to gather up courage.. some don't need it, some feel they do. But we don't need it, like alot of things. Our minds just make us feel we do.. It all depends on who you are.. And who you want to be... Who do you want to be?"
— well I want to be better.
".. Well then you better run into it than from it. Overcoming it makes you better, running from battles keep you the same." — shouldn't we be the same?
"Oh heavens no.. We're born different, we grow different, trying to stay the same is stunting your growth. You're born to be better. That's why we're allowed to groww"
She's standing up sprouting her arms like she's a plant, I'm assuming this is what she's doing.. Only logical reasoning for her spontaneous outburst (this would soon be the norm). I laugh, and ask her all the ways I can grow.. I've been feeling like a cocoon lately.. And I'm pretty sure my wings are ready. She likes my analogy and passes me the blunt.

"Why did you come talk to me?"
— idk.. I felt maybe you know what you're talking about, I inhale..
"Who makes that decision?"
— exhales.. Me, duh.
"Exactly."
— elaborate.
"You know you better than anyone, you knew to come to me, because it would help you grow.. May not have been consciously.. But deep down you knew. That's with everything.. You just have to trust yourself and act with you instead of against you"
—woah.. (I exhale and pass off.. I don't want her to think I'm steaming.. First impressions you know?) what do you mean act with me, how can I act against me? If what I feel I do is in my best interest? (I was confused and intrigued at the same time.. I never thought of how my actions worked against me but I loved that she brought it up, I wanted her to keep talking)
"Your actions will either benefit you [now, or later..] or hurt you [now or later..] you have to be in tuned with you, because you TRULY know which is which. Only you will know when a situation will benefit you in the long run if not at the moment, or when a situation will hurt you down the line if not right now. You have to always weigh out these options. You always have to know you, how YOU adapt to things and people, you always have to account for that. You may not be responsible for others actions and life's circumstances; but you gotta be able to acknowledge it and roll with the punches. Bob and weave. Feel me?"

And I did. I really felt her. As she was speaking, everything was clicking. Like puzzle pieces I didn't even know was laying around up there, just popped up and fell in place.
I literally saw that happening in my mind.

—Either this some really good weed or you're really fucking good at what you do.
She laughs "its a little bit a both"

The bell went off.

I mean that was first encounter.. Wouldn't you go back?

Use.

What's the use of.. Being used, useful, useless .. Depending on the context it's being used in, varies.

"If you can't be used, you're useless"

hmm so if you can be used, you're useful.. But here's the thing, that can turn really bad really quick. People don't like to feel used, and often you start out as useful.. Get taken advantage of, transition into used and pretty soon, you're useless. And what happens to the useless? it's gets tossed in the trash. It's the cycle that can be broken, but more often .. It's not.

I don't like to use people, I will always try to be of use to them as they're being of use to me. Now, realistically that's not always possible but I make sure I can be of use somewhere down the line just to make me feel better. Sometimes, you aren't aware you're using someone until they lash out.. Why do they let it bottle up? Because people like feeling useful. It gives a sense of satisfaction, "I'm good for something" but no one likes to be exploited. And some would rather keep being used to feed that craving of relevance.. Everyone wants to feel relevant. Its only until they see that their services are no longer requi(red) that they lash out.. And by then they're screaming from the inside of the trash can.

Lets talk about the users. The world is full of them, they'll use and use 'til they can't use you anymore; toss you in the trash and keep it pushing. Often users get farther in life than those who aren't users. The users have a special eye for the weak and willing. They know how to make others be of use to them.. Never mind that they aren't useful themselves. All they do is take away from someone, and that's useless to me. Because if you can't give back what you're receiving in some way, shape or form.. You're fucking useless. Especially if you make no attempt. Users may seem to get the long end of a stick but in reality they don't, "by diluting others you can only end in diluting yourself." Word to Earl Nightingale. Swindlers as I like to call them really hurt themselves by misusing the help from others. Karma always gets justice for those who were done wrong. Believe that.

But how can you tread that line .. Useful.. To used and avoiding useless? Every scenario varies, but I do advise that you always be alert. You can always tell when you're being taken advantage of, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. Whether you want to believe this person is capable of using you or not. You get those feelings, you gotta check the signs, and act accordingly.

You accept what you allow. And if you don't choose to tolerate being used, you won't. You'll nip that in the bud as soon as you start feeling some sort of way, if you choose to tolerate it, then you can't really complain. Complaining and not taking action to change what you're complaining about is pretty dumb.. Being useful is also knowing how to make others useful to you while you're being of use to them. Equal exchange. No one gets taken for granted. No one feels used. Everyone is happy. And even better everyone is progressing.

Being used leaves you in the dust and someone else progresses. Make sure that in being of use, you're not losing yourself in the process. You're not putting your life and priorities on hold to accommodate someone's needs especially if they didn't even consider your needs before they asked you to be of use. And don't be volunteering your services if you know damn well that constricts what you got going on, sometimes as bad as we want to be of use, we're useless at the time. We have shit that has to be attended to. And that's a problem for people who are people pleasers.. They want to help everybody but themselves. They're useful for everybody but them. That's ass backwards. To me.

Me, I'm useful when I wanna be .. Useless when I don't want to be bothe(red), do I get used? Eh .. I highly doubt it anymore. I have in the past, and I cut those strings with the quickness. Once you're aware, you should act on it. Don't try to purposely blind yourself, so you don't have to confront the problem. Don't be pussy. Don't get used and don't be a user.

Interesting.

“Letting a writer into your life is like letting a jackal into the living room, then asking whether it plans on ripping open one particular sofa cushion. Maybe, and maybe not, but a mess is going to be made no matter what. This should theoretically be a big negative on the list of reasons to date someone: the possibility that all of your intimate exchanges are being silently cataloged and will later reappear in a context beyond your control, where the unreliable interpretation will transform into historical fact.”
— Michael Thomsen

True but at the same time, to be with someone who can articulate their emotions with the perfect wording is amazing. And once it's over you can see how you've affected this writers life, by how he or she speaks of it. I guess it pretty much depends on the person. But how someone speaks of you on paper says enough.. They don't even have to say your name and you'll know if its you.