Visuals pt. 3

I rushed through the door..

"Vanity is my favorite sin.. Where I got that from?" — Devils advocate, of course. "Quick one aren't you?" 

She laughs.. 

She didn't even look up, she was rolling up. She was either always rolling up or smoking .. Always something to drink whether its water, wine or vodka. I take a seat, get comfortable. No need for introductions we already hit the point where hellos and small talk aren't needed.

— were you watching it last night? "No I just thought about that line" — is that what you want to speak on? .. I thought about it. "As a matter of fact I do" — well what about vanity? "Do you think it's sin?" — sin is perception. I roll my eyes, "Oh god" — god is perception as well. "Please don't start" we laugh .. — I think the sin comes from within, so depending on who.. Determines sin, but I don't think vanity itself is a sin. If anything it should be more of a virtue. "Same shit I was thinking" — why do you feel it's a virtue? "I mean the definition of vanity is excessive pride or admiration for ones appearance or accomplishments, worth but why wouldn't you take pride and alot of it in how you appear or your accomplishments, why wouldn't you feel you're worth much?" — many people prefer humble over vanity. "I'm humble when others comment on me and my work but I'm vain when it comes to me.. I know what I'm meant to be, I know my worth." — as you should. It's a great balance to have, humble and vanity. Many feel they can't be both, it's a tug a war .. Don't want to believe in themselves too much in fear of coming off as vain (which is always used in a negative tone) so they call it humble. But it's not humble. It's fear.. And some are just too vain, but there's no substance behind their vanity .. Just emptiness so their vanity is often frowned upon" 

I sat there letting everything fully register, the THC definitely made it easier. I realized I had the balance all along, I realized that my humbleness was the reason I haven't gotten as far as I should, and my vanity was the reason everything I did actually accomplished turned out amazing. What I love most about coming to see her, she never rushed a response after silence.. She let me figure things out mentally and speak when I'm ready. 

"People think I'm physically vain" — really? "Yeah they assume I am based on how they perceive me, it's wack actually" — I can imagine, for strangers to assume you're full of yourself and be certain of this without ever really attempting to get to know you is ironically vain of them. Although they're right about you in the wrong way. "Exactly! They assume my vanity is due to my physical appearance, when in all reality my vanity is a result of who I am, internally." — it's hard for people to see past the physical. "That's the problem with people today" — too many insecure souls sca(red) to dig a little deeper in others, the beauty in the physical intimidates those who put so much value on it, they can't see past it. They assume all of who you are stems from what you see when you look in the mirror. "But in that sense, its true .. only I look in the mirror a little different than others, when I look at me I don't see a face, I see my dreams, goals, future. My soul shining. That's my reflection" — and that's why you're special. You're one of the rare ones who acknowledge that the skin we're in is just that, skin.. Your facial features aren't how you define who you are, you let your soul define you. And at your age in this era, that is amazing. In a time where appearances are everything. You could careless how you look, you determine how you look by what you do, what you've done. "Damn.. You see my soul too huh?" — I be knowing. 

We smoked another blunt over some wine and discussed my plans. She was one of the few people I felt comfortable with talking about my future. She never tried to discourage me, I never felt she wasn't genuinely concerned or uninterested. She gave me even more great advice, that I promised to follow.. she knows I'm stubborn. 

But before I left she said something I'll never forget..

— don't let them humble you, humble yourself when you feel needed but ALWAYS be vain in your craft.. Never let them speak of you in vain.. You're the one. Everything you plan on being will come as long as you keep your humble-vanity balance. Only you can keep it. Don't let any outsiders adjust your balance. They don't know you like you. 

It hit me like sneaky liquor.

That's when I knew. 

Day 3.

3. The last person you kissed...

I'm smirking as the memory replays in my mind. 

We were walking, he was drunk and my bladder was full. 

We're making small talk when he stops in the middle of the block and says, gimme a kiss. 

I sta(red) for a few seconds..

"Stop playing, give me a kiss" 

He's so handsome, and his drunken state made him even more appealing. His aggressive nature made me melt as his hand around my waist pulled me closer to him.. I kissed him. His lips are so soft and it was nice.. Neat, a few lust taps before I said 'lets go'. I had to use the bathroom and I'm not one for PDA despite the fact that it was late and not a soul in sight. 

I love kissing. I won't kiss just anybody, I'm not sca(red) to turn my face if I don't want to kiss you. Lip locking, tongue kissing, lip biting and lip sucking. Alot of smirking in between, It's very easy for me to get carried away when I'm in that intimate zone.. I like kissing him. We kissed some more throughout the night, with more intensity and the same thought that crosses my mind like clockwork when I'm about to kiss a man popped up.. 'Why does he want to kiss me? My lips are so thin'. Lol every man I ever locked lips with always urged it, and their lips were always perfectly full... Fuller than mine, but they never seem to care that I barely have lips.. Kisses after kisses like its never enough. 

Kissing is just beautiful, it's like the transmission of intimate emotion. Anything you could possibly think of to say about how you feel towards someone will never beat the kiss. The kiss you plant on someone that says all your lips could never even begin to speak. You don't need to speak, the kiss spoke for you. 

I think of how I was kissed and what his kiss told me.. I liked it. I wouldn't say it was fireworks like the 4th of July but it was more of an electrical shock through my body as my lips touched his. His soft rough kisses with the intensity fueled by his desire for me had me on fire.. 

I can't wait to kiss him again. 

Day 2.

2. That time you got too drunk but now you remember ..  

Let me see... A time when I got too drunk..... Oh I remember now. How could I forget? But I did. 

I forgot my limit.. I forgot that I had four cups of some homemade cocktail in a red cup. I forgot how quick they sneak up, I forgot all the cheap strong liquor used for the punch, but it was pure juice on my tastebuds and I just threw it back like water. I forgot how numb my lips were .. I forgot I told myself no shots, but I had no recollection of that as we screamed "on 3!" For multiple shots. I forgot that I fell and bounced up quicker than a round ball. I do remember having fun at santucci's .. our church, we called it church cause every Saturday we were there faithfully, while using Sunday as the day to recover. And at church I forgot I was drinking, I got drunk some more. 

I forgot how I got home though.. I forgot that I waited 45 minutes for the cab to show up and I forgot how cold it was (which both was the norm for upstate). I forgot that I gave the cabbie a piece of my mind slurring each word as it left my numbed lips. I just wanted to get home. I forgot how I got in my apartment, probably my keys or with my roommates, I forgot how drunk they were. I was so drunk I tuned them out.. We probably rambled our usual drunken conversations but I forgot. 

I forgot the drunk texts I sent out that I didn't really mean but I was in another world, apparently an alternate universe. I forgot sitting on the bathroom floor with half my outfit on, hair tied up and my arms resting on the toilet seat.. I forgot that I threw up... A few times. I forgot what I had to eat until the remaining contents mixed wit the liquor my belly didnt want anymore in the toilet water reminded me. 

I forgot how I fell asleep. 

And it took me some hours, some days after I woke up the following day and a good look at my phone to fully remember. Lets just say, I never got that drunk again. I may have forgot but the pictures and memories that flooded back after won't let me forget. 

Day 1.

1. I had my first crush when ... 

He was a young Dominican tan thang. Lol smooth I swear.. I was in first grade, I always knew a smooth soul off rip. We kissed by the cubbies he pushed my curls out my face and I leaned in. I mean he was heading that way anyway, you don't just stand this close, caress my hair while looking in my eyes and not kiss me? I mean til this day I have yet to be in that zone and not kiss. Anyway. He was so cute. He was missing a tooth but his grin is fresh in my mind. I never knew his last name. Didn't really matter in first grade. I moved at the end of the year and switched schools.. I was crushed.. I always wonde(red) what he grew up to be. Whenever I'm in Harlem and I pass that school I wonder if I could recognize him if I saw him... Shit, all he gotta do is probably grin.

He certainly wasn't the last crush .. I'm the crush queen. Seriously. I crush on people for the weirdest reasons and I really won't say it or make it known, why? It rarely lasts. I think the thrill of the crush for me is that I think they don't want me. I swear they're out of my league.. Like they're too perfect, why would they even consider me as flawed as I am.. 

So when they want me back.. It can either be lustful, which means it was mutual we just weren't aware. Or it can be wrong, you were so into me you painted this picture you didn't want me to see initially and now that you know I'm on you, it's okay for me to see it .. But I don't like what I see... I end up feeling deceived. And I leave. 

But a crush .. A true crush for me is when I don't stand a chance. There's some forbidden unknown reason as to why I can't be with you but yet, your presence makes me blush.. That thrill of wishful thinking the crush is knowing it won't happen. The essence of a crush, when your heart is squishy and your butterflies are flittering in your gut; all while your face is poker championship game ready. 

John legend*. I'd say he's my current crush cause just the memory of his face makes me blush. He's so smart. Fineeeeee as a motherfucker. Think of John legend 6ft with a beard, athletic build light brown eyes... Smooth talker. For years I'd see him and we'd just sta(red) until we walked passed each other. I swear until I passed him my heart wouldn't beat. That's how it felt I took initiative years later.. We were hitting it off, the more I spoke to him, the more intrigued I became.. Then I backed out like a punk and lost all contact.. I haven't even bothe(red) trying to reach out, his fine ass probably deeply involved. He's literally a catch, I know some girl pressed up where I slipped up. But he's still my crush and it crushes me that our paths haven't crossed again.. And if we do and that crush feeling still there well... We'll see. 

August.

4 months left of 2013. 

The heat turning up .. August usually the hottest month in the city. And I plan on making it hotter. Last month was productive. This month will be more than that. I laid out a new timeline for myself. Deadlines that extend into 2014 but for the rest of this year, I'm working. Really working. And as I knock down each deadline, all the deadlines will play into each other quite nicely.. I'll have no problem meeting all of them. A lovely domino effect.

I want to enjoy the rest of my summer and prepare for fall.. Time is coming. Shit is real. 

I'm also gonna do a 30 day writing challenge for the month. A writer I follow is behind it. And I liked the topics, its always good to exercise my writing skills. So that should be fun. 

I'm pretty amped. I am way more organized and I just keep getting better and more wiser by the day. I know where I go wrong and am making it right without feeling the need to completely stop. Certain setbacks don't even feel as such, if anything they feel like its all apart of the plan, life's plan. I'm just trying to ensure that my plan coexists peacefully with life's plans. Aware of the signs, aware of the time. Ironically I don't need to look at the clock to know what time is.

AugLust ... A smoking hot month ahead.