Cold.

The change of weather been on my mind  all day. 

Maybe because I really felt the shift from perfect warm weather to the cold breeze.

Got me thinking of how cold I was.. And how long I feel it takes to warm me up .. And how close you can get but I can still be cold. Too cold to touch. And how I only can open up when that fire is lit, and lighting it is another story.. 

Then I think how sad it is to be cold, I never realized it before. I was so caught up in me, I didn't bother to notice how the cold rubs off on others.. Theres none colder than me. Why was I cold? Maybe I thought I was too cool .. I say was, but I still feel I have cold ways about me. I'm real distant and I like people at a distant on more levels than just physical distance.. Maybe it's for precautionary purposes, but can you blame me? I mean if you knew what I've seen.. I doubt it. 

It's a cold world out here. 

Gets you thinking of what I've seen no? I know and I still wonder what others have seen.. And how what they've seen in some way shaped who they are today. And it's all makes sense in a weird way. If you know, which most of us might never... But if you pick up on the vibes and signs of people, the quicker you do the quicker you can decide to turn cold or warm up. 

I always think I can't fully shake off my coldness off cause I am cool. so cool it comes off as cold to some but I just be chilling.. I'm not easily excited. I don't like to pretend either to ease people's insecurities nerves.

People love warming up to me, I think some just wanna feel cold because no matter how cold I could be towards them, they refuse to let go. Some people remind me of my little brothers dog, Precious. She constantly shows me "love" and I always reject her, she never lets that stop her.. She continues to pry and force herself into my personal space and she's always smiling lmao it's crazy. And it's not that I hate her, I don't. But I really dislike for my attention to be demanded and forced into your focus. Leave me alone. Wtf. She's mad annoying. And I know alot of people like that. Now that probably makes me sound extremely cold. (Gee what a bitch, the poor dog just wants love) Understand, I have a different way of accepting and giving love and attention.. My own way. On my own time. 

If you can't accept me, I become cold. Go away. Those who decide to linger around hoping they can mold me into what they want are only wasting their time.. I can't be anything other than me. And you don't decide who that is. You don't get a say. That's that. Cold shoulder always valid in these cases.

But in the cold case of my life, I'm guilty of being selfish.. I am cold and disconnected but when I want to feel warmth then I soften up, then I don't mind.. 'Ooh now you don't mind? Now you want to be bothe(red)? Fuck outta here. Who you think you are?' Lol yeah I know. It's hypocritical of me. But I just know I need more me time than most. And the fact that many don't understand that proves that I'm right. If they did, my coldness wouldn't be an issue.. It wouldn't be called coldness then, it'll be called "wanting to be left alone" .. Sigh, in a perfect world.

But in the real world, the world cold, but we don't have to be. We feel we do because we're trying to blend in with our surroundings for our protection, don't want to stand out too soon depending on the scene.. Or maybe that's just me. In a cold world, there's such thing as bad attention.. Can't warm up to everybody. Some will burn you out. 

I'm cold, but my body so warm.. It's really weird. Maybe one day the warmth of my skin will sink into my soul.. And I'll be warm permanently.. And not live life like a fireplace... I mean sure it's fun igniting fires but what happens if the fire needs fuel and there's no valid fuel around then what? Back to the old cold? I don't like to feel cold. My cold ways may say otherwise. I never mean no harm, but the icy stares and cold shoulders I've been hit with on a few occasions told me I never wanna grow old and cold. I've seen the cold elderly version of what could be.. And I don't like it. 

I like warmth. I like the feeling but too much of it makes me too hot.. And too hot makes me feel bothe(red) and smothe(red).. I'm fake complex, I need a balance. Blah.

As the days progress, I'll be right behind it... As long as I'm aware no? I know everything in due time and eventually I'll be completely warm all over, when it's meant to happen.. I just have to continue working on me along with everything else. Stay alert of the progressing process as well. 

Shit real.

Reality Check-in.

Woke up this morning and felt the change of weather.. It's cold. But I'm still hot. 

The plotting that I've been doing is more than ready. The actions I've been taking can be taken further. I know what I need to move forward, I'm just in the process of eliminating my setbacks so they no longer hold me back. It's always something, but all that tells me is that what I'm aiming for, will be that much more worth it once I get it. 

Life is a game, but I'm playing for keeps. 

My stubbornness and manly pride are still a factor, although I'm really working on it.. Old habits die hard. But they will die or atleast become more of an asset than a setback.. 

I just continue to analyze myself and my moves, also those around me gotta keep an eye on my surroundings. 

Always remind myself.... Be aware, those few times I wasn't aware haunt me and I'll be damned if I ever put myself in a position where I'm not comfortable with my surroundings because I wasn't aware.

Shit real.

Act accordingly. 

The Bubble theory.

Bubbles. Air bubbles. Life bubbles. 

If you blow a bubble too fast, it pops. If you blow it slow enough, you can control how big and solid you want your bubble to be. Like glassblowing. You take your time. And your bubble never pops. It can break, but it doesn't pop. The difference is longevity. Your bubble popping is alarming, quick, sudden. If your glass bubble starts to break, you can feel when it's breaking. Because its glass it takes a little longer to crack depending on the impact. It's solid.

Everyone lives in a bubble, we can all intertwine bubbles when we're together. But for the most part we all have our own bubble. 

What and who we allow in our bubble, defines us. It's the air we breathe.. It's our atmosphere in a sense. It's all in our bubble, it consumes us. No matter what you allow in your bubble you should never let anything cloud your vision, cloudy bubbles are no good. 

You always have be aware of what's going on outside your bubble as well ..  Outside of your bubble is the real world, who doesn't give a fuck about your bubble. And if you're not too aware, you might fuck around and get your bubble popped. Depending on your bubble.. It can pop or crack hard on impact. 

Either way, you're gonna feel it.

Build your bubble, filter it so you don't have chaotic shit distracting you from what's going on outside your bubble. Your bubble shouldn't stress you, your bubble is your escape.

You ever been in a bubble? 

Like one of those fake "bubbles" and you crawl in and run around like a hamster in a round cage. Lol sound isn't as clear, depending on the color of the bubble you may not see outside the bubble. 

Imagine you're in a bubble..

You're trapped in the bubble, can't see where you're going, you're bound to stop. If the bubble is a solid color you can't see whats outside the bubble, so you have to rely on sound to get around. And everything that sound good isn't always good. You gotta be able to see what's going on, sound doesn't always match the visual.

Your bubble is a product of you. You determine if your bubble is clear enough to be alert on the outside but sound reduced so what's going on inside your bubble isn't too disturbed. You can't have the sound of the real world drown out your bubble conversations. You just gotta be aware, if your bubble solid.. You can adjust the volume from the outside when needed. If your bubble thin, everything getting through, how can you focus? Won't be long til that bubble pops.

All bubbles eventually pop or break. The amazing thing about bubbles is you can always blow another one. Enjoy your bubble while you're in it, and when it's time to get a new bubble.. Just make it better. Bubbles are needed to grow.. What we fill our bubbles with, determines whether we grow or slowly commit suicide if we fill our bubbles with poisonous vapor.

Poisonous thoughts and people, negative actions all consume our bubbles and darkens it, clouds our vision of everything. What could be, where you're going, how alert you are. You drown and feel stuck in your bubble and it consumes you to the point you can't move. Why would you want to go through that? Some people don't even realize that is exactly what's happening, they can't see what's going on and all they hear is chaos. Their bubble soon pop. 

[if a negative bubble is dark and cloudy.. How clear would a positive bubble be?]

A good bubble popping is a great reality check. Some times that's exactly what we need. A new bubble. But depending on how your bubble pops, determines if you can actually see why your bubble needed popping. You wasn't paying attention and needed a wake up call is usually the reason. Don't blame anyone else for your bubble popping, no one can pop your bubble.. And if you allow them to do so, they must've hit a sore spot. So good, good for you. You needed that. Toughen that up. It's really that simple. 

The world is a crazy place, so much going on.. Our bubble keeps us sane in a sense, some take it too far to the delusional extent, but I won't go there..  Just make sure your bubble is clear and focused, it's okay to get comfortable in your bubble just be aware of traffic.. Many will try to pop your bubble and blow you one with their vision .. Tell them to blow these. Lol (grow up, Cristina) your bubble gotta be blown by you. After all... You spend alot of time there. 

Bubbles. Lol 

Shit real.

The signs just remind me of how real shit is. 

I swear if I could speak on everything I see and hear, I would get thrown into a mental asylum. I'm not crazy though. I really be knowing. As long as shit adds up, I won't ever doubt my intuition. Things aren't going as smoothly as I would like, but again... I feel this is a reminder of how patient I need to be. It's annoying I won't lie.. But I get it. I know why I need to be patient. Lord knows I get it. But it's getting to the point where I can't think of anything else.. I can't focus on anything going on in "real life" because my mind is entirely consumed with this vision.. 

And the fact that I could get it done so easily if circumstances were different is slightly frustrating. Only slightly because I could probably make it easier for myself but the easy route won't do me as good in the long run. And I'm more of a long term type of individual.. 

I'm not stressed though which is great. I mean I know I get frustrated from time to time but that's just cause my anxiety gets the best of me. I know everything will fall into place perfectly but waiting for it to fall is taking longer than I hope. Of course I'm keeping myself preoccupied in the meantime. Making sure I'm on point with every aspect of myself and hobbies.. Lord knows. 

Shit real though. 

As always. 

I'm just remaining calm and positive. I know my intentions and my plans, I also know it will become reality sooner than I think.. I just gotta keep calm. 

Keep calm and think good thoughts.

September.

A new month .. Change of seasons. 

As the summer comes to an end, I just want to ensure I apply everything I've learned into my life.. This month I have a few things that will fall into place..

Fall is approaching, and I'm excited. Shit is real. So much to come .. And I love the season itself. Fall is so perfect. Perfect season to grind and make shit happen.. 

Shit will happen.

Gotta make sure I act accordingly.

Chess, never checkers.

Remember to remember.

Sleep if you want, I'll wake you up when September ends.