Why So Serious?

In my best Joker impression .. RiP Heath Ledger. 

I really don't get it. Nothing is ever personal unless you take it that way .. and if you decide to take it personal, how is that my fault? Why must I get the cold shoulder because you're taking things more personally than originally intended? I can't understand. 

I know I'm a difficult person to deal with, this I am aware of .. I tend to withdraw from society from time to time, its never intentionally .. certainly never personal. I just like to focus on me, I never feel people care that much to begin with. I just move on my own time and I don't feel the need to inform people of my every move .. that's usually what brings distractions. Lord knows I don't need those.

Idk if it's because I understand people need their space that I don't mind when people distant themselves from me, But whenever I do pop up again like shit is regular (because I feel it is), I get cold stares and snide remarks. I guess that's inconsiderate on my behalf .. but my intentions are never to hurt people or make them question my character or motive. Now that I think about this, I think I may have a similar post on this topic (I'll check when I'm done here) But, I guess it will never change. I am progressing as a person but maybe certain qualities are as advanced as they'll be. Accepting that isolated loving part of me is apart of ACCEPTING ME AS A WHOLE. People tend to love alot of your qualities but the few they don't like, they use against you the most. I can't help who I am. 

Can a young bitch live man? you can't tell people lighten up without them taking it even more personally that you didn't take their original statement as serious as they took it in the first place .. and so on ... it's really a hard battle to win. You argue your side you're wrong .. you let it go, you don't care. which one causes less stress? ... exactly.

Why so serious? 

Sigh

This was not a good weekend for me. I tend to talk about my problems once I have them figu(red) out .. So I'll post what's wrong when I make it right.

I'm hearing voices, I think I'm schizophrenic.

*Rick Ross voice* I don't actually think I'm schizophrenic .. I do have several "sides" to me, which I will take the time out to break it down.


The Stubborn me: the reason I'm so driven is cause I really don't give a fuck what other people have to say, on what I should do, what I do or how I do something. I like to do things on my own, make my own mistakes. If I fall I bounce right back. I never ever been a follower, It just doesn't sit right w| me .. I'm a firm believer in accepting all responsibilities for your actions. People always want to blame others for their actions because they listened to others advice on how to act. Well if you do what you want and shit don't work you can only blame yourself, cause when you listen to others and things fail, you sit there and think .."damn I should've never listened to so and so" 


The "Selfish" me: I put my happiness before others. Sometimes making others happy makes me very happy. But in the end I always put my best interest first. I don't want to settle for anything less then the best of anything .. I want the finest things for myself .. and that includes the best people around me. I have goals and only I can reach them so I will stop at nothing and some people call me selfish .. If that's selfish .. so be it.


The Sensitive me: Alot of people wouldn't call me sensitive .. in fact they would probably call me a bitch, but that's because I don't show this side often. I love watching romance movies and reading love stories .. A little piece of me wishes Fairy Tale endings existed and tears at sad endings in movies. My heart aches when I see homeless people and animals. But I don't show my sensitive side because emotions get you hurt, so I preserve mine. The sensitive in me is the most of a girly girl I'll ever be. Guys I'm interested in see more of a girly sensitive side, but rarely cause I like to keep a poker face. lol It might seem silly to some, might make sense to others, but this way works best for me.


The Bitch in me: Everyonee knows this side of me very welll .. I get called a bitch or coldhearted cause I know how the real world works, I have this realist mentality that doesn't take bullshit from anyone. Whenever I say what I'm thinking .. I don't censor my thoughts, I don't try to hurt anyone's feelings .. But I say what I mean and I mean what I say. You can take it how you want, If you don't understand what I'm saying, I'll be happy to elaborate but don't get upset cause of how I feel or what I think of a situation .. that's one of the dumbest shit I ever heard, getting mad at someone for their opinion. I don't take many things personal and I don't give a fuck who feels some type of way. You can't be nice .. people walk all over nice, I don't like people walking over me.


The Guy in Me: According to my roommate I'ma boy .. According to most my guys friends, I'm one of them. I like Video Games, I watch ESPN (not all day), I love sports. Music wise .. Oh man we can go on all day. I get wasted like they do and I'm a chill person .. I can take a joke and I'm not sca(red) to be myself, I guess I'm going to always be a tomboy at heart. At a young age I always felt more comfortable w| guys, w| girls .. Everything was a competition, who's the prettiest, who had the most guys, how we dressed and all this other bullshit I never ca(red) about. w| guys I can just hang out in sweats and a bun on top of my head and they don't give a fuck except who rolling up this time. They come to me all the time asking girl advice and I'm guilty of giving them lines to get into girls draws. but Hey, they fell for it. When it's time to go out, and I look like a "girl" (thats what they tell me) they get all over protective of me.. like the older brothers I feel they are, and sometimes it's annoying but I love my guys I know they have their best interest at heart and I wouldn't change that, I love the fact that people want the best for me.


*All these little pieces of me combined is who I am .. I mean there's more depth to it, but Its a nice little insight. I wouldn't change who I am for the world. I love who I am and who I'm becoming. 

Just me and my .. music.

I love music, no I really .. Love music. No matter the genre, if I like a song, I like it. The beat especially. If the lyrics are REAL .. I am in love. I love when I hear music and I feel. No matter the feeling, whether it be good, bad, I love it. I am always in auto pilot. Music makes me feel alive. Some songs give me goosebumps, some bring tears to my eyes, while others make my heart warm .. and if the song is EXTRA real .. I feel everything at once, it's a beautiful feeling. I can listen to music all day. I listen so hard .. I learn word for word of any song after like 3 listens. I take music very serious. I love Rap and Hip Hop .. R&B, Pop anything that makes me feel something. When I'm sad, I listen to music, It uplifts me. I relate to all songs, if I experienced it, Don't wanna experience it, or wanna experience it. There's a song for those three categories .. I feel some people listen to music because of WHO is on it .. I listen to music because of WHAT is being said. I'm listening to music as we speakk .. Ashes to Ashes by Rick Ross .. Trill shit. lol 
Not feeling too good, but my music is helping me out. bout to pop a advil pm and drink some ginger ale. Mother nature came to visit me .. smh


Daily Quote:
Music is my hot sex - CSS

Just a thought.

I try my hardest not to judge people, and to look at things from both sides of the fence. I am aware everyone views life differently and have their own perception of right and wrong. 

But I feel certain things aren't acceptable no matter how you look at. There is an unwritten code of conduct that people should follow. I feel 'Be True to Yourself' is at the top of the list. I can not even begin to explain how much I hate when a person tries to portray something they are not. Lying about what they do, what they have and even who their with. Somewhere in their small minds they believe everything they say while proof of otherwise is clearly visible. 

I am all about self-improvement and doing things to better yourself, if you don't like your appearance or how you handle certain things, then by all means change it. But to lie, and hide behind this mask as if you're this one person when you're truly someone else is truly disturbing. I tend to stay away from people like that. I can't not deal w| liars and frauds. I know a handful of people who lie about the littlest things to impress people who can careless. The attention seekers who lie about lifestyles and make every little simple situation a complex one are truly annoying.

I've dealt w| people like that in my past, and I always felt bad .. but at the same time I felt fake, knowing I didn't want to be around this person because the lies were too much but not wanting to be a super bitch and hurt their feelings so I just avoided them from time to time. People like this are everywhere, in school, at home, even at work .. People like that are so self-absorbed and usually have this level of unhappiness w| themselves so they fabricate another life which seems more appealing. There's no helping them. Telling them "about themselves" only results in wasted breaths and pointless arguments. My advice to anyone dealing w| someone like that, just cut off all ties. Trust me you're better off. But that's just me .. and this is just a thought. 


Daily Quote:
Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain

... reunited.

Hey, it's been a long time, like usual .. and I won't say I haven't updated because I don't have time .. because that is far from true. I have all the time in the world. Things just been hectic .. I want to do to much but don't know where to start. I need order, some type of self organization where life isn't as chaotic as I make it. Sure a little chaos is fine every now and then, but I have been stressing the littlest things and forgetting .. I'm still a teenager ( I'll be 20 in June ) the year is almost over and I can't say it's been good to me, I'm glad it's over. I'm not hoping that 2011 will be a better year, I'm going to make it a better year. For awhile now I've been looking at life as if the glass is half empty, instead of half full. That is all about to change somewhere in between finals, packing to come home for the winter break and realizing I'm going to be 20 hit me. I'm not happy, I have been waiting for things to happen, everything I accomplished was because of the few times I actually stood up and did something about it. So since clearly hard work pays off, I'm going to work harder .. instead of hardly working. I have little things I want to make apart of my regular routine since I feel I've been leading a boring life (my standard definition of boring). One of  them being blogging more, I know I know, I always write that same line after months of hiatus. But I like expressing myself and I can't keep a diary for shit, I need somewhere to have my thoughts recorded. plus I don't have many followers so I don't even think people will read this .. but whoever is reading this ..*kudos to you .. welcome to my mind : )* - I'll feel dumb if no one ever reads it. lol anywhoo back to the point, I guess you can say I had a revelation .. I'm like a phoenix,I got hot and burned to death so my re-birth is soon to come. hehe : ) welcome me back blogger, I'll be here more often. 


Nightly Quote to sleep on:
Happiness is not a possession to be prized, it is a quality of thought, a state of mind. -  Daphine Du Maurier 

laptop blues ..

before i left school someone dropped my laptop (that person is still unknown) and the screen is bleeding in the right hand corner. sometimes the screen shakes making it very hard to use. andd to top it off some buttons are gone. -_____- and i have online classes so it makes it veryy hard.
i'm buying a new one soon. i realllyyy want a macbook. but i might have to settle for something a lil more in my price range. i have alot i need to get. so yeah i'm pissed. but i'll be okay .. lol

help ? .. never mind.

well i've been home for about a month now. still no job -_- it's kinda frustrating because there's alot of things i want and need .. and i'm not trying to depend on my mother forever (not like she'll let me) but anyways, i'm sitting here thinking bout my life .. (my birthday was on Thursday) and it's weird. when i was a little kid i swore by 19 i'll have my own apartment a car and just having the time of my lifee .. now let me check .. own apartment ? nope. own car ? not yet. having the time of my life ? not today. so that makes me think well if nothing comes out as planned, or as i thought. imagine 10 years from now ? where will i be ? will i be a socialite therapist w| a killer body a closet to die for and everything else i wanna be ? or will i be just another woulda coulda .. i feel i need to change how i orbit. i tend to be a slacker, i'm smart i know what i'm capable of .. i just tend to be extra lazy .. and that's not gonna get me anywhere. so *shrugs* change is good no ? well i'm starting to do little things to change my habit .. baby steps .. baby steps. lol

hey there

`god it's been awhile .. it's been crazy .. so much has happened. but i'm back. i plannn on really seriously updating more often .. just thoughts and shit. i re-read everything i've written on here and i surprise myself sometimes. i'm really fake smart.


well i'll have a topic for later on today : )